Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Styles- limiting factors

Polyfulcrum speaks:

It's become apparent to me over the years that there are so very many forms of communication these days that finding the one that fits for two or more people can be very complex at times, and can limit whether you connect with a specific person. Example: Let's say you meet a lovely new prospective partner at an event, you talk face to face, really enjoy the interaction and decide to try to stay in touch and build on that initial attraction moving forward. Do you use email? Phone? Chat? Blackberry? If your favorite forms of communication don't match up well, it can kill the potential relationship, due to lack of nurturance and contact.

This can also be seen in schedule compatibility. Frankly, at this point, if you aren't schedule compatible, even if I'm really attracted to you, I'm not going to do much with it. It is horribly frustrating to be hashing out a potential date and be looking a month down the road when the stars align perfectly to allow such an event to happen! Where is the sweet spot? The overlap points in schedule, communication styles and motivation HAS to be there to make it happen.

Motivation style is something I see primarily as an issue with other women. Typically, for women the dynamic is skewed to allow us to be passive, or allow the men to come to us, that when we're dating another woman, few of us are comfortable pursuing, or at least making equal efforts, to initiate dates and set things up. If no one is chasing, no one gets anywhere!

Finding that zone where you and one or more other people have enough stylistic commonalities to make a viable relationship start can be a bit daunting. The best I have come up with is to be clear with yourself as to what YOU are willing to do, what steps you are going to take, and what level of effort is outside your capacity to provide. If you don't know what you won't do, you can't convey that clearly to potential dating partners and no one's expectations will be in line with the realities of life.

If we lived in a utopian sort of world where sheerly being attracted to someone would make it a good idea to date them, life would be sweet. However, we live in a world of schedules, roles and responsibilities, where the fact that someone lives 90 minutes away can be a dealbreaker, where not returning phone calls in kind can sour the interest of another, and where one person can't drive the whole boat on their own.

Stylistic differences are an important facet to consider when looking at new people, and are something to put thought into before you dive into a relationship that has a very limited lifespan with no room to grow.


Unknown said...

Thank you for posting this.

KayaPinkie said...

This is very helpful advice, poly or otherwise. I'm definitely going to ponder on what you've wrote here.