Sunday, September 28, 2008

From the outside, looking in...


This weekend I get the opportunity to test my self-management skills. My wife (PF) and her other primary/boyfriend (S) have been having lots of fun doing several activities with a woman they've been dating together (B).

It's been a bit of a transition for me to fully embrace the fact that there will be times where the two of them (PF & S) will develop relationships where I am not included. Well, of course, their own relationship doesn't include me either, but for some reason when the three of them get together and I'm the fourth person in the house (not involved in their activity), it just feels a bit strange.

Oh, and I have been wanting to make a point for several weeks now. Technically, the group of us (PG, PF & S) are not a triad. That would generally imply that S & I have more than a platonic relationship -- which we don't. It's really a "V" centered on PF.

On a related note, I am actually happy that PF and S have found someone that they really get along with! I think it's especially cool for S to be able to flex his poly wings that direction. And I'm glad that PF has the opportunity to connect with female-female energy again.

As for me, I believe I'm getting better at taking a deep breath, focusing on what I'm feeling and finding alternate activities to satisfy myself. And most importantly finding activities that are constructive or fulfilling and not just reflexive or destructive.


Shhh.... said...

Okay, so I know this is a really old post (you may not even read this for all I know), but I really want to ask this question and I hope it doesn't come across wrong, because I'm truly just trying to understand here.

"As for me, I believe I'm getting better at taking a deep breath, focusing on what I'm feeling and finding alternate activities to satisfy myself."

I'm wondering what it is exactly you were feeling. I guess it's just that I've read so much about compersion (maybe that's not even what you're talking about here), but I wonder if that's how I (or any person) would truly feel in these circumstances. Although it hasn't happened for me yet, I could see myself becoming jealous depending on who does what, with whom, and where.

I didn't mean to be so vague or ramble so much, I guess I'm just curious about how you got to the point where you were able to find alternative activities to satisfy yourself without becoming bitter.

METAwhetstone said...

Although what you're quoting is "jealousy/envy management," I did feel at least some intellectual compersion at that time for both of them.

I feel the need to parse compersion into two spheres -- "intellectual" and "emotional." This is because intellectually I can see how beneficial the situation is for them and support them in their fun endeavors. However, I have a much harder time with emotional compersion. To feel a profoundly positive emotion that it linked to their pleasure, is much more difficult for me.

However, as a note, I have experienced emotional compersion only once when I was in the same room as a lover of mine and she was making love to another man. I was not able to achieve that again with her because shortly thereafter we broke up and although we got back together again -- I was always on edge with not knowing where exactly I fit in her world. So, it set up a cycle of worry within me that while most of the time was able to be backgrounded, it was always present to some respect.

With regards to finding alternate activities without becomming bitter, well... that's almost always challenging. Optimally, if I can arrange a like-kind activity such as having my own date, that's the best distraction. Doing the dishes or laundry or something else not as fun just to occupy time generally won't help much. However, if you are the kind of person that is always looking for time to sink into emotionally fulfilling activities or projects, that can be a good choice.

And definitely feel free to ramble. :) You were just fine. *Hug*