Conversion

You meet this really great person! They are fantastic in nearly every way, you click on a wide variety of levels, have huge commonalities, they're funny, smart, sexy...and monogamous.

But, but, but... I can show them how fantastic poly is! Sure, they _say_ they're mono, but maybe they'd be open to poly, if they really like me. Maybe we can do mono/poly! Sure, that's it, there's my out! I'll be poly, and they can keep being mono, and we'll have this great wonderful relationship. It'll all work out, if they like me enough to give this a shot.

Um, this is like taking a straight person and making them gay in just this one case. If someone is in a relationship with a poly person just to be with that specific person, chances are really good that there is some level of coercion being felt.

The mono/poly situations I've seen that are working well involve a mono person that is poly in almost every way as far as their approach to relationships, excepting the application of addition people on a personal level. They see the ways that being with a poly partner benefits them personally, and aren't doing it to please anyone.

On the other hand, let's say you meet this great person from the first paragraph, as you are getting to know them (but before you are actually in a relationship with them!) you share that you are polyamorous. They ask what that is, they see the relationships you already have (if you are currently partnered), they seem to show interest on a personally applicable level, as though this is something that they've been wanting, but never thought possible. You may just have something here!

This is about how the relationship with S began. He knew us, knew about our relationship style, and sure, the motivation to be with me was a biggie, but polyamory, as a philosophy or set of ideals, had personal resonance for him. He'd also decided that monogamy wasn't a relationship model that worked for him.

He read, he asked questions, he exposed himself to things that were outside his previous experience, he acknowledged it when he made mistakes, corrected, and moved forward. Yep, I knew there was a learning curve to get through, and while I was willing to support and encourage, there was a lot that he had to do for, and by, himself.

Conversion from mono to poly is possible. Almost all of us made that transition, but the key factor remains personal choice. Going from mono to poly to be with someone specific is like losing weight to please another. The pounds inevitably come back, because the change wasn't motivated for, and by, self. The change must come from the convert, and not the converter.

Mono/poly

There was a post I read in a forum that was vociferous in its defense of mono/poly relationships. Seriously cursing, no punctuation, no caps, no style, sort of argument. It was truly appalling (the poster, not the idea). The basic point of contention was that they had gotten static from other poly people telling them that they were doing poly "wrong", that they were being selfish. Since I've heard this from other poly people, I guess they may have had a point.

We all have the right to do our relationships anyway we see fit. However, the assumption, even among the poly community, is often that in a mono/poly pairing, the mono partner is sacrificing something, perhaps by being in a relationship style that doesn't suit them personally, to stay with the poly partner.

Some of the more functional poly folk I've met are with mono partners. The way this seems to work best is if the mono partner doesn't perceive sexuality as really that much different than any other form of socialization. Emotional connection is seen as an abundant commodity, and their poly partners do an exceptional job of creating a base of trust to work from. They need to be willing to speak up for themselves and have well-defined boundaries, including the capacity to negotiate and form connections with their metamours. In short, all the qualities of any well-functioning poly partner, but choosing to be monogamous themselves.

That the mono partner might change their mind and exercise the option to become poly is also something that seems important to mono/poly pairings. Where knickers get all twisted up is when the idea of choice is taken off the table. Even if it's not exercised, it needs to be there.

Being functionally poly in all directions myself, I don't have a lot of experience to draw off of when it comes to mono/poly. What direct experience I do have comes from spending time where one of my partners wanted to manifest an outside relationship and wasn't able to at that time. Either there were too many other responsibilities to afford the time to connect with someone, or there wasn't a suitable candidate to bring on board. It seems we're all agreed that it's better to be "poly single" than to insert a poorly matched partner, or try to satisfy too many demands on one's attention.

When you are the poly partner in a relationship where your partner is, at least in practical application, mono, guilty feelings may arise about having something in life that one's partner also wants. Another possibility is being in a position where one is looking forward to their partner having a secondary, not only for the positive impact on their growth in life, but also to alleviate pressure on the relationship from being the footloose poly partner while the mono partner is all nose-to-the-grind stone. The amount of concern that a poly partner might feel, the desire to make sure the mono partner is "really okay", can branch into martyrdom or taking on responsibility for the feelings of another.

As the mono partner, it is imperative to develop coping strategies and a strong support network outside of your poly partner to help work through the challenges that are primarily your responsibility. While there are a great many things that are within the purview of the relationship, there are pieces that belong to you, and would be best served with outside input, or structured action that helps you work through your own emotions.

Let's run an example: Let's say your partner is off on a date. You've asked for what you needed as far as support from them, and are still having feelings of anxiety. What do you do? Some strategies that may be helpful include setting up a different social opportunity for yourself, gaming, catching a movie, working on a project, cleaning, journaling, or working. If it's something that you can feel good about, plug it into that space and give yourself some emotional breathing room. Again, these are the same sorts of strategies that poly/poly partners would want to develop, so it can be very useful for mono partners to participate in poly groups, gaining these types of skills that serve their personal needs.

Focus

PF-

A while ago, we found out that our daughter has amblyopia. For those who aren't familiar with the term, it's also known as lazy eye. When one eye sees better than the other from birth, the brain starts to shut off the image from the weaker eye and just uses the input from the stronger eye. To treat this issue, they patch the "good" eye and make the weaker one carry the load, forcing the brain to use the weaker side's input and improve its function.

How many of us have experienced this inability to focus on more than one thing, either within a mono relationship, in our poly relationships, or when in the throes of NRE? The majority of the mono people I know are serially mono. They move from relationship to relationship. When one starts to peeter out, or become less interesting, more domestic, they find it easier to focus on something new, something different, something exciting and romantic! At the loss of having balanced "vision" usually.

Within poly, the challenge becomes finding ways to keep the focus on more than one relationship at a time, especially when one seems more appealing than another; easier or more intense. There are times where one needs to "patch" their vision, and focus on another partner, or a different aspect of life entirely, in the interests of having a fuller vision in your life, a more balanced approach.

When one is focused exclusively on a single relationship or facet of life, depth perception is off, things aren't seen as clearly or as deeply as is possible. When all relationships are strong, and life is in balance, focus is more intense than ever imagined! For those of you with corrected vision, think of the first time you put your glasses on, all of the details that you were totally unaware of, the leaves on the trees and shapes of the clouds. Taking off the rose-colored glasses and opening both eyes to a more focused reality will lead to faster growth and healthier relationships within life and with self.