Enjoy What Becomes

It's been a while since I've posted.

Suffice it to say that I've been living the grand poly lifestyle and ran headlong into a nest of sticky wickets. The long of the short story is that horrible mistakes were made, feelings were hurt, and a lot of hard work is being done by everyone to lick their wounds and right all the wrongs. My heart hasn't been in writing about love. It's been a terribly long month and I'm glad it is over.

Reflecting lately as I have on the lifestyle of Polyamory, the more I'm convinced that it's more a journey of self-discovery - more that than a destination, a label, a title, or an orientation. Polyamory is a process.

It is a process of reinvention, continuously re-examining your beliefs and your assumptions, to arrive at something more genuine and more authentic in your relationships. Along the way, through heartbreak, tears, anger, frustration, and fear, you change. You learn about yourself - your limitations, your inadequacies, your strengths, and your capabilities - that (hopefully) will make you a better partner, lover, friend, wife or husband.

After all, caught in a complex web of relationships between n-number of people, how could we ever assume everything can and will remain static? Polyamory through its nature inherently invites change and ensures that the status quo is invariably short-lived. Poly is an awesome catalyst for self-discovery.

And for me, there's been a lot of work this month on self-discovery. I think I'll leave it at that, but I will say that for a long time I've been intensely focused on outcomes - the final destination - in my own Polyamorous relationships. Yet lately, I'm more likely to focus almost entirely on the now. Living the now, enjoying the now, accepting what the now is and what it can offer. Loving everything about what the now can be.

I recently read that Benjamin Franklin asked himself in the morning, "What good shall I do today?" Okay, so lately my spin on Benny has been, "Today, what good can I do for each of my partners?" What can I do, right now, today, to make the most of each bond in my life, and to accept the joy that each of them brings me, instead of focusing on the end-game. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy what becomes. And it's helping.

R

So close, yet so far away...

One of the great things about poly is that, a good chunk of the time, you stay friends with people you've been in relationships with, even after the relationship has shifted to a friendship, or some version of non-romantic.

One of the tough things about poly is that, a good chunk of the time, you stay friends with people you've been in relationships with, even after the relationship has shifted to a friendship, or some version of non-romantic.

There is something bittersweet about hugging and holding someone you still love, yet are no longer with.  It seems much more common in this community than when I was monogamous, to have amicable connections, even close friendships, with people that used to be lovers and partners.  For me, the feelings are often still there, the attraction is still present, but there is some compelling reason that I am choosing not to be in a romantic relationship with them.  It can feel murky, confusing, and yet, still satisfying to wade through.  

This conflicted feeling is usually most intense in the weeks/months immediately following a shift in connection, but in some cases, I find it lasts for years.  It is a value to me to not cut people out of my life when the relationship changes, barring unhealthy dynamics, but that doesn't mean it's always a piece of cake to keep in touch.  At times, it's been necessary to take some period of time completely apart to allow my feelings to cool down before reinitiating a different type of bond.

Giving myself permission to take space when I need it, to ask my existing partners for comfort when I'm feeling melancholy about a change, and to delve into staying connected, even when it isn't completely comfortable, are skills I keep working on.  What do you find most useful in working your way through transitions in relationships?

What are Your Values in Relationships?

I facilitated a polyamorous group discussion the other week and received positive feedback on it, so I wanted to take a few minutes to transform that discussion into a blog post.

First, I asked everyone for an open discussion on values as they pertain to relationships. Relationships in general - it doesn't have to be expressly polyamorous relationships. These are the attributes, characteristics, and things of importance to you when you're engaged in a relationship. Some of the attendees said:

• Transparency

• Honesty

• Growth

• Freedom

• Affection

• Trust

I then asked if everyone could make a list of the top three most important ones to them, for these are the qualities you're looking for in a relationship and what matters most to you, what's important to you.  Take an inventory. I also asked how Polyamory does/doesn't bolster these values.

Then I asked how these values are expressed in their poly relationships? "What do you do every day to express these values?", going off the old idea of treating your partner in the way you'd like to be treated.

Finally, I handed out some homework. I asked everyone to take these ideas and discuss them with their partners after group. Learn what their values are and share yours. 

If you've had a rough patch in your relationships - if expectations haven't been in alignment for you and you're having relationship trouble - talking about your common values may be a good starting point. 

Common, shared values work better than installing rules and restrictions to create expected behaviors and outcomes. Instead, find what you have in common and capitalize on your common belief systems. 

R

Leaving, and Being Left.

I leave my husband to be with someone else.  I leave my partner to be with someone else.  My husband leaves me to be with someone else.  My partner leaves me to be with someone else.  Everyone knows about all about it, and sometimes, it feels fine, and other times it feels crappy.

Recently, I spent most of the day Saturday with my metamour, Camille, and my daughter at a women's self defense class.  Russell dropped us off, and at the end of the day, picked us up.  Sunday, Camille and I spent the afternoon together.  Again, Russell dropped me off, and we joined him later in the day.  He was noticeably a bit subdued that evening, and, when asked, said it felt strange to be leaving us all weekend.  A bit of a downer really.  That's part of how poly is different from monogamy though.

Sure, people come and go in mono relationships too, but they are usually leaving a partner behind to go to work, or some sort of activity that is less overtly personal. Bonding time, sex, intimacy, shared experiences, these things are the currency of relationships, and in poly, there is almost always someone who is being left out, or left behind.

Dealing with leaving someone you love behind, or being left, is part of the skill package we are all working on in our pod.  It's always easier when everyone is feeling well-resourced, and has other options that they find valuable.  It's harder on the weeks where everyone is stretched, and no one is feeling quite like they have "enough".

I'm in relationships with these people because I like being around them, and the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" trope doesn't really work for me, so this is an area I'm consistently working on.  

Dieting and Poly

Don't Date Outside Your Species!

Recently, I was reading through a conversation thread about a person who identified as poly, and often dated people who had previously considered themselves monogamous.  The experience they kept having was that their dating partners would say that the whole poly thing was okay upfront, then, several months down the road, and a lot more emotional investment, try to make the relationship monogamous, or break up with them, saying they just couldn't do the poly thing.

My first thought was to date people who are already demonstrably poly, but I realize that, in many places, the predominance of poly people isn't particularly strong, so one tends to make due with the dating choices that are available.

Here's the deal though:  If someone is monogamous, they aren't going to turn poly for you long-term.

Choosing to date someone that is poly, because you like them, when one is monogamous, and would really prefer to have the poly partner to yourself, is like going on a diet because someone you love asked you to.  Maybe it's healthy for you.  Maybe it's something you think is a good idea.  It just isn't what you really want in the deepest core of your being.

For a while, you can make yourself do it, cheating here and there with fantasies that the person you love is going to fall so deeply for you that they'll realize you are all they want in life, while still making the appropriate statements of openness and support  for their poly nature, and how on board you are with the whole thing.

For a while, you can go through the motions, pushing yourself with the thoughts of how much your partner is going to appreciate what you are doing for them, how much this will mean to them, how much love you will earn.  Maybe you are even realizing some personal benefits and growth in the situation!  Eventually, that well will run dry though, and you're left realizing that this isn't what you really want, and you've been doing it to try and please someone else.

Of course, the same issue happens in the inverse too.  Thinking that someone who identifies as monogamous is going to make the leap to poly for you is a dangerous and cruel self-deception. There is no amount of attention or energy you can give someone who is monogamous (and wants you to be monogamous with them) that will create enough safety, security, intimacy, and love to get them to be fine over the long-haul with the part where you have other loving relationships.

Mono-poly relationships are workable, just not with any real level of "doing it for the other person" present.  If both parties can't honestly say that this is what they want, for themselves, because it is what is best for them, move on before hurting each other deeply.

Acknowledge, Apologize, and Act!

One thing that people new to poly often want is to have the magic formula; that mystical mixture of actions and words that will allow one to make big changes, and transform paradigms without hurting anyone's feelings.  I'm here to tell you that it doesn't exist.

You WILL fuck up.  You WILL make mistakes.  You WILL hurt the feelings of the person/people you love.  What you choose to do with it at that point is often the difference between happy, healthy, growing relationship dynamics, and ones where people are shoving things down each others throats until someone explodes in a shower of death and destruction.

So, let's say you've just missed your mark.  You said you'd do X, and it didn't happen.  Moreover, that impacted at least one other person in your network.  What then?  Sometimes, if it's a biggie, or there is extra emotional energy around that error, it can seem pretty attractive to gloss over it, and just try to move forward.  Just employ the whole, "Here's some flowers!  Aren't they pretty?  Love you!" approach that has been immortalized in popular culture.  At that point, the injured party is just supposed to forgive and forget, and get on with things.  No dog house, no conversation, and, most damaging in my estimation, no change.  I'd recommend against that tactic.

Another option that I've seen is getting defensive about the whole thing.  "Sure, I messed up, but it's not that big a deal, and you've also messed up before too, so get off my case!  Geez....you're so sensitive..."  If someone can't own responsibility for their own action (or inaction) I don't know that they're really ready for prime time.

Complete ignorance is another approach that is utilized to avoid confrontation and conflict following a mistake.  If no one talks about it, doesn't overtly notice it at all, it didn't happen.  This type of stuffing things to the back of the closet usually leads to explosive decompression of All The Things in a much more catastrophic fashion on down the road.

What to do?  How does one fix an oops?  Here's an approach that has worked well for me, both as the offender, and the offended:

Acknowledge
The first step in any healing process is to acknowledge that an error was made.  Whether it was under your control or not, something you did, or failed to do, negatively impacted someone you love.  Say it out loud.  Say it with empathy.  "I know I said I would do X, but I'm not going to be able to hit that mark.  I know X was important to you."  If you can honestly add that it was important to you as well, do that.

If it's something that wasn't your fault, it's okay to say that, but don't allow it to be an excuse.  "Traffic is really snarly.  There's no way I'm going to be there on time for our date.  I'm disappointed about that." is much better than just showing up 45 minutes behind with no acknowledgment.

Apologize
"I'm sorry."  So small a sentence.  So fraught with peril and emotional baggage for many. Both from the giver and the receiver, there is vulnerability.

When I apologize, I'm owning up to a mistake, failure, omission, lack of ability or capacity, poor planning, or inability to predict my own emotional capacity.  I kinda hate that.  So I've practiced.  I practice apologizing with small things that aren't so loaded, so that when the big ones come along, it's less clunky to get the words out, and my partners and I have had opportunities to feel that shared vulnerability together without the world being at risk.

When I am receiving an apology, it can be difficult to listen effectively, to hear what is being shared, without rushing into my own hurt feelings, frustrations, or past damage.  It can be a challenge to stay open to forgiving someone, because it often feels safer to hold that hurt as a reminder to stay closed and protected, rather than being in a space of letting go, and moving forward together, particularly if there's an issue that is ongoing and repeated, rather than a one-off incident.

Action
Now that you've acknowledged what happened, and shared an apology about it, it's time to take action!  Apologies are just words unless there is change, progress, or an agreement on what happens next.

Is there a clear way to avoid repeating the error?  Talk it out, agree upon that course of action, and implement it.

There are times where there isn't a fix in the moment, the opportunity has been missed, so the conversation is about what to do now that the previous plan is out the window? "I know that we missed the movie start time because I was running late.  Let's find another activity together that would feel bonding, relaxing, and enjoyable this evening."

Complex issues usually resolve over time with incremental progress, rather than one grand planning session followed by perfect implementation. There may also be some backsliding at points.  It can be easy to lose sight of forward momentum when an issue still is in development, circumstances are not ideal, or there is ambiguity about the path forward.

On the really deep things, I'd recommend trying to employ a more time lapse approach to viewing an incident.  Chances are excellent that today is still a big step up from 6 months ago, for example, even if it went better last month.  What small refinements can you see that would tip things further in the direction of good?  Share those, and see if you can get buy in from your partners on making that happen!

Mistakes happen.  That's life with imperfect people.  Finding a path forward together in those moments are what spell success or failure in relationships.  Acknowledge, Apologize, and find useful Action to move through it together.  Screw ups are shared experiences that can build immense resilience and tensile strength in your relationships, if you're willing.

Getting Pissed Off at a Metamour ... and Learning from the Experience

Okay, so, everybody gets angry. That's normal.

Crap happens. You deal with it.

In a monogamous relationship, there's this traditional dance, right?

You'd sneer at your wife and she'd make some incensed comment on how you never listen; tensions and voices rise; everyone's hands fly into the air and both of you separate to spend time in opposite sides of the house. Eventually, the cooler head between you prevails. One approaches the other. Conversation, dialog, and empathy allows you to work through the issue, and (hopefully) everyone goes to bed happy.

Um, say - when's the last time the wife ended up on the couch?

Anyway. That's the way it happens in monogamy. But in poly, it gets a little more complicated.

You may end up getting frustrated or worked up about somebody's actions outside of your immediate contact, like a metamour: a partner of one of your partners. The opportunity to talk and work through it just isn't available - you can't get resolution on the problem immediately and you aren't going to bed happy. So you stew, you bottle it up, you try to work through it on your own. And you probably don't get anywhere. It sticks in your craw and it just doesn't go away. That can create a lot of contention.

In my circle, something happened a few weeks ago. My partner rolled her ankle at work and sprained it pretty bad, inhibiting her mobility. It was a pretty bad tumble. She couldn't walk at all let alone drive. She was stuck at home and couldn't go to work for nearly a week.

I tried everything that I could to be around and to be there for my her. Makes sense, right? I mean, this is how I operate: if you love somebody, you want to try to help them in any way you can. Hell, she'd do the same for me. But in poly, you can't surround your lover like you can when you're monogamous. My wife still needed me at home. I needed to work. I couldn't just go camp-out at my partner's place and ignore my family and work obligations. I couldn't be there for her 24x7 and that really ticked me off.

What disappointed me more, though, were the actions of her other partner. I expected him to rise to the occasion and step-up: to arrive early for their time together, look after her, care for her, and spend a little more time than usual making sure she was okay. I expected him to go an extra mile.

When I learned that kind of stuff didn't happen, I was really angry. Now, it was patently unfair to have this expectation: I expected him to do something that I would do. I placed this expectation on him and I never communicated those expectations - it was something that I thought would just "happen". I couldn't speak with him and I never contacted him in the first place. So I sucked it in and didn't say anything about it, and stewed for a couple of days.

I was moody, irritable, and grumpy. Inevitably, it all came out in an emotional burst with her and my wife. It'd be eating me for days. I was unable to help and I didn't know why this guy didn't fill-in to help out when I couldn't. It just made no sense to me. Conversation eventually lead to some explanation: my partner very, very rarely asks for help, even when her chips are down, and this guy was doing exactly what he'd always done for sixteen years - he let her deal with it.  I guess I made too many assumptions.

What came out of this for me is an awareness of how I didn't have this guy's contact information at hand, and if I had, I could have asked for his help. A day later, my partner wisely circulated emergency contact info for all of our pods so that we could all get a hold of each other for emergencies. That was cool.

I also considered that I shouldn't be placing my expectations on the head of unsuspecting victims. That's not fair. I should cut that shit out.

I should try to respect the dynamics that already existed between them which are different from the dynamics between her and I.

Finally, bottling it up wasn't the best thing to do. I should have started by asking questions of my partner and what she needed/wanted, instead of making assumptions.

So crap happens and you deal with it. Today, I feel better prepared for when it happens again to our pod. I guess I learned what not to do.

s1m0n

Tell Me About Your Sex

Okay, okay ... right, well: it's not as pervy as it sounds. Really.

I just want to know.

I mean, I like to be told when a partner has sex with someone else: in a scene, with someone they recently met, or with another partner. I'd just like to be told about it. Kind of up-front and forthcoming.

I like to be told about it because it helps to remove a sensation of anxiety that I have about the unknown. The unknown is scarier! My imagination can twist a situation into something much larger than it was.  In listening to vague or ambiguous descriptions of events from a partner, it may sound as if something actually happened - but I'm not exactly sure exactly what happened - so a direct (frank) description of the events really helps to quell the fear. Kind of like:

"Hey, so, at the party, I met up with Artie and we had a 45 minute scene. I was totally naked, there were nipple clamps and a couple of canes. I came five or seventy-two times. No kissing, no fondling, no oral, no penetration. There were snuggles. I left around midnight. I feel good about it and I had a great time!"

See the example? It pretty much describes the situation and puts my fears to bed. It's a summary and hits the important points: who, what, where, when, and how did they feel about it.

I'm not interested in details*. I don't want to pry. Certainly my partner(s) should be afforded a sense of privacy that they needn't report the specifics to me all the time. But being told about their sexual encounters (or even coffee dates!) helps keep anxiety at bay and indirectly describes who is becoming more important in their lives.

s1m0n
(Russell)

* Okay, this is a lie. I am so interested in details. Details concerning my partner having sex with somebody else is very, very hawt. I'd like to know pretty much the whole picture: was there kissing? Fondling? Spanking? Oral? Penetration of any kind? Twosomes? Threesomes? Moresomes? Screaming monkey sex from the ceiling, toys ... Sure. Tell me all about it. I love to hear about it and that is, in fact, very pervy, but it doesn't have to be pervy. It doesn't have to go overboard (unless, um, you're aiming for that...). It can be communicated plainly without it sounding like pillow talk.

Issues of Character

Over the last several days I've been mulling over issues of character. I tend to focus a lot on character. Actions, ideas, and belief systems seem truer to me than photographs or outward appearances. What I do, say, and believe constantly reinforces who I am. And lately, I guess I've been disappointed.

Inherent in Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person. Great, rah-rah: I'm a big fan of abundance and the lifestyle has brought me much good. I don't think I'd trade it in. Still, I question:

• What kind of husband am I if I'm to leave my wife to be with someone else?
• What kind of boyfriend am I if I can't be everything wonderful in somebody's life?
• What kind of partner am I if I can't be around?
• What kind of husband would find thrill and happiness in seeing his wife find emotional and sexual fulfillment with others?
• What kind of friend am I if I hurt somebody else?
• Am I a terrible partner to somebody if I have to constantly set limits to thereby "balance" the rest of my life?
• Who am I to want every benefit? And who in the fuck am I to ration it for others?
• What kind of guy am I to say "I love you" but can't promise everything?
• Why would I want to be the cause of suffering - even if it's unintentional or indirect, it still is a condition that I'm responsible for?

Like I way saying, I think my actions speak louder than words and these certainly aren't the actions of a Prince Charming. On outward appearances, these are these actions of a selfish, honorless bastard who refuses to make traditional commitments to people he cares about. I feel like a cad; a dick; a scoundrel  a real jerk. Not really somebody who I'd really want to be. Not anybody I'd encourage a friend to date.

In my gut, I feel there aren't easy answers in this. There can't be. Sure I've been up-front, have permission, transparent in what I do, and so on, and my partners may suggest that they're involved with me willingly, but the more I try to rationalize my way out of the paper bag, the more I feel I'm convincing myself that what I'm doing is right. As if there's something noble, important, ethical, intellectually-or-morally-superior, and justified in what I'm doing. I think it's a slippery-slope. If I were to over-rationalize it too much a blindness would set in: a sense of self-righteousness and purpose that extends a license for me to bring harm and pain to others. I'd consider nothing of my actions which allow me to think exploitatively and opportunistically about the Universe. Meanwhile, if I stay where I am now - overly concerned about what damage and harm that I'm doing to my friends and lovers - I might as well resign myself to avoiding the risk of love all together.

It's a tough call and I wish I had an answer. I just don't. At the end of the day, I just feel like I'm letting everyone in my life down, and that sucks.

R

Oddly Comforting...

It's been a challenging year for me.  There have been many changes that are hitting the core roles in  my life, the things I value in my relationships, and one of those shifts has been the relationship that Russell and Camille share.

I wasn't ready.  I didn't want to deal with it.  I had too many other things going on.  It wasn't what I wanted.  It wasn't what I negotiated for.  I didn't want to give up the "shiny" spot in his heart.  I didn't want to have to stretch to accommodate another person in my life.  I was a newlywed, still short of my first anniversary by several months.  I wasn't ready.

Guess what?  Life happens.  Love happens.  Sometimes, the timing just isn't ideal.   It wasn't my choice to make, because Russell isn't my property.  He decides for himself what he wants, and how he wants to spend his time, love, attention, and focus.

I haven't been neglected.  Everyone has taken a great deal of effort to make sure that my voice is heard, that I have input, that I get to help steer.  There have been great moments of love, sharing, intimacy, and joy.  This is not a whine post.  I'm not going to front with you though, it has been a mighty struggle at times, and there are certainly still challenges inherent in having people who want the same big things without being able to figure out fully how to get everyone everything they need at a given moment, much less all they want.

So, I felt some trepidation when their trip to celebrate the anniversary of their relationship rolled around last month.  I still don't do particularly well with overnights apart, or separate trips, even if I recognize intellectually, consent to, and support, that it's an important piece of a close relationship.

Anniversaries are a thing for me, birthdays and holidays too.  Add that level of importance to the usual challenges in being apart, overnight, while they're away, and I was pretty sure that this was going to be a "curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep" sort of gig.

What happened actually surprised me:  I felt oddly comforted.  I'd made it one round of the calendar.  Things are still working.  I am still loved.  No one has abandoned me for greener pastures.  I've done this in every season, and I'm still standing.  WE are still standing.

The future is just variations on a theme.  A theme that will continue to grow and change, but there's at least a path that has been walked chronologically once before together with this partner, this metamour.  For some reason, it took some of the scare out of things for me.

I don't know what comes next. None of us do.  But we made it through the first year, and that is something to be celebrated!  Happy 1st Anniversary, Russell and Camille!

Negotiation (Short Version)

(My goal for this piece is to summarize a longer article on my website. PF suggested this topic for me to tackle, and I did that, and then some. If you want to read the long version, you can find it here.)

People aren't always taught how to ask for what they want. There is a process when it gets complex, and that process is called “negotiation”. This article is going to tackle some of the pitfalls, and get into techniques for what I call “cooperative negotiation”, as opposed to “adversarial negotiation”.

To start, there are three common barriers to effective negotiation. They are, in fact, one of the great secrets to troubleshooting anything involving human behavior in the universe. Seriously? Yep!

Can't/Don't/Won't

Don't

There is a fundamental barrier to negotiation when a person isn't able to accurately identify what it is that they want, or perhaps how badly they want it. There is a lack of self-awareness. Okay, so what do you do about this? Self-knowledge. There are lots of ways to achieve this.

Often the difficulty is based on some damage that exists. The ability can atrophy until you are simply unaware that there are unmet needs inside. They become invisible.

When you start to tackle this, make a list. What do you want? This part of the process could even be a great relationship building activity to do with your partner. They might have insight into things that you want that you aren't able to own or give voice to yet. This would be a great intimacy building exercise, because it would entail making yourself very vulnerable.

Which leads us to the next barrier.

Won't.

An assumption that I make regarding romantic relationships is that there will be a mutual vulnerability leading to an increase in intimacy. For people who have been ill-treated in the past, this can be problematic. The more threatened you feel, or the more strongly you want something, the more vulnerable you feel, and hence, the less likely you are to risk asking. It is therefore much more difficult to ask for what you need in the very situations where you need it the most.

There can be a self-limiting belief that steps in here. This might be a fear of success. This might be a fear of leaving behind old patterning. It can be terrifying for someone to consider what would happen “after”, if they actually had a success in some emotionally loaded area of their life.

Often, in these cases, to hide this fact, their mind will generate a narrative, and they will ask for something, just not the something that they actually need or want. This is often unconscious. There may not be deception externally, it's occurring internally, as a defense mechanism. In these cases, it combines a “Don't” and a “Won't”.

So, how do we tackle this lack of willingness? Encouragement! Model the behavior yourself.

Can't

This one is hard. There are people who are unable to connect with some of these concepts. I know one such couple. It happens. The key is, if a “Won't” stays a “Won't”, then treat it as a “Can't”. This could be a genuine or a malicious misunderstanding. It's time for a “come to Jesus” conversation. Don't use shorthand, don't make assumptions. Draw pictures.

Because this one is hard, it's also probably the simplest. You have a choice. If it's not happening, and you've explored all the other options, then your choice is to fold or go all in. Asking a therapist for an initial consultation on your own, talking about the situation, might be helpful to make the right decision for yourself.

But first, game design theory.

I like making games. There is a theory to games, an underlying architecture and methodology that makes them work. Some of that is math. Some of that is psychology. A part of game design theory is the idea of “Play”. This is larger than just games, and is also addressed in early childhood development, workplace behavior, and, yes, relationships.

“Play”, in the context of games, is the idea that we are suspending the rules of normal society for the purposes of a special “ritual”. This ritual, of “Play”, involves the idea that two or more people are going to engage in an activity (Play) that replaces our normal cultural interactions with an artificial construct (the game) within which other rules will apply for the duration. Further, everyone is agreeing to do this activity of their own free will (“consent”). We also agree that while we are playing, we will be “enemies”. This result, the idea that we might enjoy being “enemies” for this cooperative endeavor is a remarkable aspect of Play from a psychological point of view.

Let's negotiate!

Assumption 1: We like each other.

Assumption 2: We enjoy our partner's enjoyment and having a role in that enjoyment.

Assumption 3: We trust each other and want to share intimacy.

Ground Rule #1: We agree to treat each other and ourselves with kindness.

Ground Rule #2: We are not merely going to respond by rote or habit. We are going to approach this process with as much transparency as possible because we are seeking to deeply understand each other.

Ground Rule #3: We agree that it's okay to asymmetrically want things from one another and to ask for things yet not have them received.

Ground Rule #4: Fundamentally, we are on each other's team. We will work together.

Ground Rule #5: It's okay to be angry, or sad, or to be wrong. This is a safe space where we can share messy feelings, accept them, and we won't punish one another.

Ground Rule #6: My feelings are mine. Your feelings are yours. You are not responsible for mine, even if my feelings are in response to your actions, or vice versa. However, we are always responsible for our actions.

Taken together, this creates an opportunity for something special to happen. We will not mislead or avoid subjects simply because they are uncomfortable. We will find a loving, gentle, honest, and clear way to express ourselves to the best of our ability.

Okay, let's play!

Step 1: Self-knowledge.

This isn't simply about knowledge. This is about having a concept, finding words for that concept, and one more thing. You have to accept that you want it. You need to really be willing to own that. Do not underestimate how difficult that can be.

Step 2: Schedule.

Agree to set aside time to talk (consent). Let them know that you want to bring something up, and you want to have focused, loving attention for the conversation (play the game).

Step 3: Begin.

Tell them what it is that you want. Elucidate. Also, let them know how much you want this. Be clear whether their participation is mandatory or simply preferred. Here are a couple of examples:

“I really need for you to follow through with our agreement about fluid exchange with other partners. I know that there was that one time when it was an accident, but after that it seems like 'accidents' are happening more often. This isn't something that I can get past or compromise on, this is a deal breaker if behavior doesn't change.”

“I would like you to go to that BDSM event, the “leather tastings” with me. There is something big here, I think this might be a huge win for me, but I don't want you to just do it for me. I know you've avoided that ballpark before, so I could go on my own, or with someone else.”

Step 4: Initial response.

Now it's your turn to sit and listen. Allow your partner to give you their honest reactions. Don't address their points until clearly invited to do so. This patience is critical, and here's why. Often people have an initial reaction that is NOT how they will end up feeling/thinking on a given topic, especially when it is emotionally charged. Give your partner time to explore their own feelings.

Step 5: Discussion.

Okay, you've had your say, and they've responded. Now we can ease up on the flow of conversation a bit. As long as emotions are not flaring, allow for a more flexible exchange.

If they say something that seems confusing, remember, ask for clarification. Do not let things pass under the bridge. If you do, you will find that your “agreement” today will turn into huge drama later.

Step 6: Break it down.

This is an entire article in it's own right. On a piece of paper, make two columns. Left side, benefits, right side, detriments. Be thorough. Be accepting. Just because you don't understand how something would feed your relationship doesn't mean it won't to them. There's no telling what feeds people's idea of closeness and intimacy. I love going grocery shopping with my partners.

Indicate how strongly you feel about each. “ABC” works. If you can, further break down each item on your list to the “why”. Here's an example, using the “leather tastings” situation from above.

-----

Learn about BDSM. (B)

• The idea is exciting.
• It feels important.

Try something new/different in the sexual ballpark. (A)

• Feeling a little stagnant.
• Get to see people in hot outfits?

-----

What this allows for is the opportunity to find underlying motivations, bring them to the table, discuss them and possibly find other ways to meet those needs. During this process, you might find that your priorities weren't accurate at first. Perhaps at first you wrote an (A) next to the first item and a (B) next to the second.

Step 7: Put it together.

This can be the most complex step of anything we've talked about in this entire process or you may have a “Why didn't we think of that before” moment.

Get creative. Mix and match ideas. Take a break and do some research. Internet, books, friends.

One solution might be:

1. Schedule more “us” time to be sexual. Stop allowing life to interrupt that. Stop putting it off just because “our relationship is solid”. It won't stay solid if we aren't feeding it.
2. I get to explore kink, even though you aren't interested. You are allowed to control the amount of information you want to hear, but will always be kept abreast of situations around safety. We will work out expectations about safety as I explore together. You won't be dictated to, you get input.
3. I don't schedule time exploring kink at the cost of our shared time. It has to be done outside of that. You don't “lose out” just because I'm exploring that world. You don't get ignored or “left behind”.

You can see how one person's need to explore something new was agreed to and some information was added addressing concerns that had come up in the conversation, specifically fears around safety and missing out on time and availability.

Sometimes you have to go several steps deep to get to the source. Gently tease out the answers, pursuing a deeper understanding. Don't hound them. Don't demand. Be kind. Be curious.

Don't be surprised if sometime, later, you happen to get a swat on the butt. Don't attach hope and then punish them when it doesn't manifest, but stranger things have happened.

Step 8: Make a plan and take action.

If you've decided to do something, do it. Schedule it. There is a reason why the current situation was the way it was. Point out causes and contributing factors as you become aware of them. I know of couples who have an active saboteur present. It's been a child (jealous of time and attention), it's been another partner (creating a crisis to interrupt date time), it's even been one of the partners themselves (heretofore undisclosed issues).

If your plan is thwarted, both of you need to acknowledge that it has been thwarted, identify and agree upon the cause, and make a new plan that takes that cause into account. If different problems continue to arise, get help. This is most often the case when one of you (yes, you!) are the problem. You may very well need a neutral third party to help unpack what's going on.

That's it. I hope that helps.

Poly 101: Dealing With Emotions

Lately, I've been writing some 101 articles for the blog; you can find them using the poly101 label on the site. In this article, I'm addressing a key idea behind polyamorous relationships.

When I first confronted Polyamory, I remember describing the sensation as "fairies, castles, and unicorns."

There I was having just wrapped up having sex with my friend's wife and he's in bed with his girlfriend. And everybody was okay with it. Wow! It was amazing! I had no idea that this kind of openness existed.

Hell, I'd never dreamed that I could be a part of anything like that.

Shortly thereafter - as the euphoria settled down and reality crept in - I had to start contending with the emotional baggage that accompanies the Polyamorous traveller. The jealousy, fear, joy, and excitement; the resentment from partners of my partners; the outright contempt from others; breakups; anger for not "being allowed" to do whatever the heck I wanted; the compassion and caring that I felt for newbies to the lifestyle; the sympathy and empathy I feel for my partners when I return home to my wife.

Poly really looks cool and fun on the outside. But the truth is Poly is a big-ass poo-bag of complex emotions that forces us to confront stuff that Monogamy attempts to either avoid or suppress, and for which many of us aren't prepared to manage.

In my experience with Polyamorous communities, I'd probably say that a strong majority of polyfolk support expressing, discussing, and resolving emotions. I'd even go so far as to say that discussing and processing emotions is part hobby and part therapy. The Poly tribes that I'm familiar with will go through a process that looks a bit like this:

1. Feeling. Somebody will have an emotional response and that could be deeply internalized or visibly, emotionally, publicly expressed.

2. Processing. The Polyamorous person will turn a critical eye to their feelings and attempt to isolate what triggered the response, and then consider how they're reacting, why they're reacting, and what benefit the reaction is bringing them. They might openly discuss their feelings with a community or partners as a processing activity.

3. Labeling. Eventually, it would seem to me that most of the Polyamorous have a categorical mind. They attempt to affix labels to what they're feeling so they can transform it into something manageable. Giving it a name certainly helps. It also helps in describing their emotional state to others.

4. Managing. Meanwhile, labeling helps identify tactics that could be employed to help contend with the emotion; tricks and tips that could be used right away or over time. Further, there may be an act of negotiation here where partners are asked to give consideration to the emotion and to modify their behaviours as to avoid another trigger.

5. Resolving. Finally, there is a resolution. Now, that resolution may not mean the absence of the emotion - not at all. It may just become the background noise of an ongoing state. It may never be erased. Hopefully though, the Polyamorous person feels heard, that they're doing their best to manage it, and they've developed a new skill in the process.

I've always thought of Polyamory as a lifestyle that interjects critical thinking into relationships and I must tell you that many of my peers laugh at me when I say this so take it as you will. Still, when I watch how the Polyamorous contend with difficult emotions, I'm always amazed by how - instead of just raw, emotional, uncontrolled reaction - they slow down, wait, process their feelings, and walk through a resolution pattern.

When I was in Monogamous relationships, I reacted to emotional stress. Maybe I just had piss-poor relationship skills in general but I really didn't slow down to process and resolve. I got angry. Real angry. I blamed the other person, shouted, cried, threw things, ran away. That's how I was taught to deal with deep emotional stress. That's how I was taught how emotions in romantic relationships resolved themselves:

a. Initial Feelings.
b. Rising Anxiety.
c. Confrontation.
d. Blow-up.
e. Run.
f. Attention.
g. Mutual Reconciliation.
h. Promises ... to never do that again.

I dunno about you guys, but this was the pattern of my first twenty years of romantic engagements. I really can't tell you how I arrived at that or why I did these things, but I can tell you when it ended: when I became Polyamorous.

It's my opinion that those who practice Polyamory do so not just for the sex appeal but to expand their emotional horizons. They're interested in pushing what's accepted, normal, and taboo, in order to explore their own reactions. Dealing with emotions is a big part of polyamorous culture. 

There's a lot of fear and anxiety in seeing somebody you love fall in love with somebody else, and then turning around and accepting that as okay for them, okay for you, and okay for the party they love. It's not easy. It's not anything you'll get right the first, second, or seventh time around - it's an ongoing evolution of honing your emotional muscle and for re-patterning what programming you may have started out with. Polyamory is the journey pushing you on through these emotions, and hopefully inspiring growth and better self-awareness over time.

Russell
(s1m0n)

Poly 101: Rules and Expectations

Lately, I've been writing some 101 articles for the blog; you can find them using the poly101 label on the site. In this article, I'm addressing a key idea behind polyamorous relationships.

I'm going to play a little game with you. 

It's a game that tries to weigh your personal feelings surrounding self-direction, freedom, and autonomy. 

I'm about to offer you a set of ten statements. Pause and examine your emotional responses as you read each one. If you want to have some real fun, score yourself. Give yourself 1-10 points per question on this range:

• 10 or 9 Absolutely Agree
• 8 or 7 Strongly Agree
• 6 or 5 Agree
• 4 or 3 Strongly Disagree
• 2 or 1 Absolutely Disagree 

Ready? Okay, answer honestly:

1. My partners should know where I am at all times, and, when to expect me home.

2. I am accountable to all of my partners for all of my sexual and romantic activities. They have a right and vested interest to know who, what, where, when, and why.

3. It is reasonable that all of my partners know my sexual risk factors. I encourage them to inquire about and suggest limits on my sexual activities. 

4. Should I ask, it is unacceptable any of my partners to lie - or otherwise conceal any facts or details - about a date or romantic encounter. The same goes for me.

5. My partners can - at any time - request that I do not engage in specific sexual activities, and I will do my best to honor it.

6. My partners can - at any time - request that I do not date specific people or others, and I will do my best to honor it.

7. My partners can - at any time - request that more energy be paid to their dynamic with me, and I will do my best to honor it.

8. I am an adult. I am accountable for every decision I make. I will not allow any excuse (example: being drunk, horny, in a scene, got carried away, in NRE, in romantic love, etc.) to detract from taking responsibility for my actions at all times.

9. To the greatest extent possible, all of my partners deserve a say in my calendaring and scheduling.

10. I have obligations (family, financial, parental, spousal) that may at times take precedence over my romantic entanglements, and I will act upon them accordingly.

Okay, let's talk about Rules and Expectations for a minute before we tackle these responses.

When an established couple begins their journey into non-monogamy, there is a fear that opening-up will harm their connection. If both of the individuals find value in their connection, it's likely they're going to set some rules for engaging in a non-monogomous lifestyle. 

Rules, in this sense of the word, are a mutually-agreed on set of expectations that attempts to make behavior more predictable. Rules, they believe, will dictate predictable and acceptable behavior, and reduce risks that could introduce biological/emotional problems (STI's, jealousy, anger and hatred, fear, fights, drama, their separation or divorce, etc.).

Rules can be written down and explicitly defined. I've met a member of one poly-pod that tells me that they've a binder of written rules governing the behavior of all in the pod, spanning 18 years! It's a huge-ass binder!

Rules can be broad ideas that aren't codified in writing but are mutually agreed to. I know a six-person poly-pod that adheres to five broad rules and the 5th rule refers to the first: "Don't be stupid."

Rules can also be broad, moral or ethical principles. Something like, "Do no harm" or "Be ethical", or, "We just trust each other".

However it works for you and your pod, rules try to instill a sense of security. They try to give us confidence that everything's not going to go to Hell-in-a-handbag because you're non-monogamous. They attempt to enforce a code of conduct that everyone can agree to. Rules are structure. 

Now let's go back to your results. 

Your score is going to fall within a spectrum (10-100%).

The lower the score the more you likely value autonomy and freedom; the more likely you view rules as instruments of control and not as reasonable mutual expectation; the more likely you'll refuse outside accountability for your actions (expecting your partners to deal with their own emotional responses rather than considering how you contribute to those responses); the more likely you're to view broad descriptions "Ethical" in the same context as "Acceptable" or "Right", which isn't accurate but helps to justify your actions; the more likely you're to shift blame for relationship problems away from you and onto the back of somebody else; the more likely you're to make unilateral decisions as not to be confronted or told no.

The higher the score the more you likely value setting reasonable expectations; the more likely you view rules as tools for negotiating what you want; the more likely you accept outside accountability for your actions and promises; the more likely you're to consider the feelings of your partners when making independent decisions; the more likely you're to view contextual nuances of broad descriptions like "Ethical" (ie: it may have been ethical to provide advance notice on your intention to engage in a threesome, but, advance notice alone doesn't make it "right" if a partner asked you politely not to participate and you refused citing your "ethical and transparent" conduct as a license to do whatever you please); the more likely you're to make more consensus-based decisions with your partners, understanding and accepting that you may be confronted or told no.

Extremes are probably quite rare. The outliers, or people scoring under 15 - in my mind - would be chronically selfish within the context of relationships; people scoring above 85 - in my mind - may be fearful, incapable of making independent decisions, or co-dependent. If you answered honestly, I think it'd be unusual to fall outside the curve.

Now, I think it'd be a mistake to ascribe "good or bad" to your results. You may be a level-headed person who scored in the 30-40 range and prefers a more loosely-defined relationship structure with fewer rules and expectations. No harm, no foul - that's just the way you tick. 

Similarity between partners is probably most desirable. Too significant a variance and there could be ... trouble ... and that's the number I'd encourage you to focus on. A wide spread between your score and your partners' may represent a significant mis-match of expectations governing your actions, sewing seeds of distrust. That said, I think it'd be a valuable conversation between you and a partner who scored closer to 80 or 90 ... that individual perceives rules and expectations differently than you, and may require more structure than what you want to feel secure. 

Finally, I also think it'd be a mistake to suggest that lots of rules or too few rules are "good or bad". Rules are just a means of achieving a sense of security by setting expectations. I would sincerely suggest that rules are what you make of them. I don't think anyone can reasonably say "my way is the right way". Still, finding where you and your partners might fall on this scale could be useful in understanding how rules and expectations help create a sense of security in Polyamory.

Russell
(s1m0n)

PS. Yes, the questions are deliberately phrased in a way to test your value of self over others; are you selfish and fiercely independent, or, selfless and considerate towards others, etc. Ultimately, I think this measure relates to trust (we tend not to trust the selfish and self-interested, we trust people who have our best interest in mind); trust determines the need and extent of rules; rules establish a sense of security. If we're insecure, we're untrusting of the situation, and will seek rules to clarify expectations. If we're secure, we're trusting of the situation, and may relax the need for rules.

PPS. Yes, selfish has a negative connotation. If you've got a suggestion - perhaps "self-serving" or "self-interest" - I'm open to hear it - whatever - but I'm still comfortable with selfish.

Who’s the Drama Llama?

  

Some years ago I was talking about the personality type that enjoys conflict and chaos.  They (consciously or unconsciously) sew discord wherever they go, inviting crazy people into their life to generate a storm of turmoil.  I refer to these people as “Drama Magnets”.  These people don’t necessarily generate the conflict themselves, although they might, but they consistently select for people (friends & partners) who bring drama into their life.

I had used “Drama Magnet” for a long time, and had an inventory of personality traits and common causes for this person.  This was important to me because while I like to be helpful,  I don’t want to be a rescuer.  I don’t want to try to fix something when the person doesn’t really want that thing fixed, doesn’t seek out my input, and won’t take an active role in their own self-improvement.  When I identify someone as a “Drama Magnet” I back away slowly and insulate myself from becoming too attached.  Casual friendship is about my limit with such people.

So, I was talking about “Drama Magnets” and someone asked me, “Okay, so who are these people that actually cause all of the drama?”  I began to answer, “Persecuters”, referring to Karpman’s Drama Triangle (Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer), then stopped myself, as there are other categories of drama generation beside that one cycle.  I thought about it and came up with a funny, off-the-cuff answer.

“Drama Llamas!”

While I prefer alliteration, I still thought my creation was fairly witty.  Little did I know that the phrase was already a thing.  I had no idea.  I’ve found references to “Drama Llama” predating 2007, and I am pretty sure I didn't make it up until 2008.

*sigh*

So, there are two people here that I’ve mentioned.  The “Drama Magnet”, a person who seeks chaos in their environment, and the “Drama Llama” who makes the crazy happen.

This article will be about neither.

The reason I went over that was to give an example for what I really wanted to talk about, and the label of “Drama Llama” is a fairly good example to work with.  What I want to write about is our use of labels as a means of attacking people we are in conflict with.

Name calling is one of a child’s first weapons.  After finding out that everyone will have an absolute fit if you hit other people, or throw rocks at someone, you learn that names are much easier to get away with.  Names are better because there is no bruising or bleeding (at least on the outside).  Because of that, you maintain some semblance of deniability.  Unless someone heard you say it, it’s your word against theirs.

“He called me a name!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Uh-huh!”

“Nuh-uh!”

… and so on.  There is a famous rhyme that children learn to attempt to inoculate them from name-calling, I imagine that it is familiar to everyone.

“Sticks and stone may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

… only, they do.  You see, name calling does hurt.  It damages different people in a variety of ways.  It is certainly not as serious as a loaded .45, but it is an activity to be taken more seriously than the above children’s rhyme implies.

I sound like some pinko socialist liberal, don’t I? 

As adults, hopefully, we’ve moved on from the more crass forms of name calling that children indulge in, but please don’t delude yourself into thinking that name calling doesn’t still exist.

“Communist!”

“War Monger!”

“Slut!”

In the BDSM community, there is a version of this as well:

“They aren’t a ‘safe’ player.”

Being called “unsafe” is a serious accusation in a community where safety is a part of their creed.  “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is one of the mantras of the community when it comes to identifying what differentiates WIITWD (What It Is That We Do) from a case of domestic violence.  Side-stepping for a moment the SSC vs. RACK argument (Risk Aware Consensual Kink, if you were curious), as RACK also acknowledges that the issue of relative safety needs to be negotiated, the point here is that if enough people, or the “right” people label you as an “unsafe player”, you’re going to be ostracized from the Leather community.

Any of these names may hurt someone’s feelings, but just as importantly, in a minority community, such labels hurt a person’s reputation.  The smaller the population you are looking at, the greater the severity of the offense.  If there are fewer people in a given community, it is more challenging to find others to connect to who haven’t heard the stories, the whispers, and that gives you an uphill climb, trying to convince people that the stories aren’t true.

Well, what if the stories are true?  Should we not speak up if someone IS an unsafe player?  I come down firmly on the side of saying that you should speak up.  I do, however, have some caveats to that injunction.  First, be certain.  Don’t spread second hand information.  If you didn’t witness it, you don’t know it happened.  Also, don’t go around gossiping needlessly.  If you are taking delight in this, you are probably doing it wrong.  If you are casually sharing information like this at the drop of a hat, you are probably doing it wrong.

So, let’s bring this back to poly.  Small community.  Check.  Reputation matters.  Check.  What is a name that people have hung around their neck?  A stereotype or claim made against them which would make them less appealing or attractive to other members of the community.

Drama Llama.

To me, Drama Magnets are just as bad, but far less commonly considered, so let’s stick with our fuzzy, spitting friend here.  What does this look like in practice?  Are there really people who go around and just start calling people Drama Llamas when they get upset with them?

Sometimes, yes, but not that often.  This idea however leaks out many other ways.

“Oh my God, (name) is a total trainwreck.  All of their relationships end up the same way.  I would never date them.”

“They have no boundaries.  I swear, every time I see them they are with someone new, and they treat them like trash.  It’s no wonder they go through partners like tissue.”

“I used to date (name) and I’m so glad I escaped.  (Other name) wasn’t so lucky, they are still together with (name).  I just hope that someday they can pull their head out, dump that loser, and get on with their life.”

All of these are ways that people in the poly community share information about someone else, with the intention of warning someone away from having a relationship with someone who they consider to be a poor potential partner.  A Drama Llama. 

Again, if this is true, if you have personal experience of this, and if you are telling someone for a reason, not just as idle gossip, then I think that such communication can be justified.  I will reflexively hesitate, however, before engaging such behavior.  I pause, sometimes for a long time, and consider carefully my words, their accuracy, and most importantly, my motivation for why I feel moved to share such information.  This is really slippery stuff.

Besmirching someone’s reputation is an act that causes real harm.  It should never be done lightly.  We should not remain quiet when someone in our community is a genuinely destructive force.  When not handled with care it’s something that sometimes stirs the pot.  It can cause strife and conflict in a situation.  In fact, if that sounds familiar, it should be.

You might be the Drama Llama.

See, this idea of being the “Community Police” is a slippery slope.  I got together with some people recently to discuss some of these ideas.  We sat down for an afternoon of discussion about the idea of how to keep a watchful eye on our community in a proactive way, and how to intercede when needed.  I was left with the feeling that such an endeavor is incredibly delicate.  It’s not that you should never share information, it’s that you need to exercise caution and no small amount of self-awareness when you do so.

One of the stories that I remember from an Anthropology class I took about 20 years ago was the inherent gotcha that shamans faced.  As a “wise” person, who knows about natural forces, spirits, and health, they are sought out as a resource when something goes wrong.  It’s up to them to fix it.  When the problem goes away, the previously afflicted gives gifts of gratitude to the shaman and the community rejoices.  The thing is, if the problem isn’t solved, if the affliction isn’t cured, if the rains don’t come, who does the community blame?  Who knows about these things such that they would be capable of casting such a powerful curse in the first place.

The shaman.

Now, that’s an imperfect metaphor for this situation, but the idea that the protector or “rescuer” can easily become the “persecutor” is common, whether we’re talking about a shaman, a military leader, or a co-dependent who is acting out on the drama triangle.

Before you go around telling people how this person or that person is a massive source of drama, check your facts, and more importantly, check yourself.  Why are you sharing this information?  Did they hurt you?  Did they hurt someone you love?  What benefit will be derived from you saying this right here and right now? 

If you can answer all of those questions satisfactorily, then okay, you are probably on firm ground.  If not, reserve your right to remain silent.  You can’t take back what you’ve said once it leaves your lips.  If you do say something that you later regret, and you go out of your way to publicly apologize and do all you can to make up for your error, there is still irreparable harm done to a reputation. 

Your own.