Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Opening up again

We signed papers to buy the house yesterday! It went really well, and all of us are feeling good about the new space, and the way things are fitting in our triad/household. Two more days and we'll have keys and start moving in!

In a totally different direction, S has been forming a new connection over the past several weeks while I've been getting myself whipped back into shape emotionally. Since he and I started dating, I have been pretty closed to outside people, wanting to leave plenty of space and energy to grow and stabilize that relationship, as well as integrating it into my relationship with PG as well, so it's been over a year since I have been "out" on a physical or emotional level with any non-primaries.

This being S's first time having an open poly relationship, he's been intrigued and curious as to his capacity to function fully with another partner emotionally and what it would be like to balance the needs of more than one other person in a relationship. To be "really truly" poly. We've done a bit of casual friendly social stuff, with an eye to moving forward into something more intense when the timing seemed right and an appropriate partner presented themselves. He and B have been talking for the past couple of months, dating for a month or so, and I've kept myself in the loop, met her, and enjoyed that experience. They have a good repoire and get along well. Last night was another date for them, and after my kiddo was in bed, I asked to join them. PG graciously covered things on the home front and off I went!

After joining them, there was some lovely snuggling and chit chat while watching a movie over at S's place. (Of course, by the end of the week, we'll be in the new combined space, so this was a last hurrah for the old townhouse!) Then I decided that I've spent too much time and energy on fear of late and that I should just reach out and feel potential connection and move forward with that. A really wonderful time was had by all, and I relished being able to show S a side of me he hasn't had access to yet. B is rather pleased by the shift in energy and direction, so it looks like we've got some great possibilities as we advance with this connection!

PG's newest connection was just in contact with me today as well via email. They met at a poly function a month or so ago and have had a couple of friendly dates. They have a more private date set up the weekend after the move, so it's going to be interesting to see all the potential shifts coming up. Fortunately, both of the new people in our pod's life are experienced poly types, with many of the skills that really streamline the process of joining up with existing relationships! This is a very exciting time for all of us on so many levels. For me, the most exciting part is that I'm feeling excited about it again.


Sunday, August 24, 2008

Finding balance

The last major piece of furniture that isn't going with us to the new space was taken away today, so pretty much all the remains is part of the continuing cycle of our lives. There is a lot of change in the air, a lot of shifts taking place, yet I am feeling closer to balance. Last week I visited with my naturopath, who does a lot of energetic work. I asked her to work on continued momentum in a positive direction, and being able to let go of those things that I do not have control over. The move will do what it's going to do. I've done the most I can to assure it is smooth, but I cannot control whether the cleaner gets sick, the moving company shows up, or if any of the other myriad of issues that can arise happens. So let it go. Let. It. Go.

In many ways, that feeling has been prevalent on an emotive level over the past couple months. I cannot control whether or not PG's other partner opts to change the nature of their relationship. I cannot choose how he might feel about that. I cannot see how S's new connection will develop, if I will feel like a good fit in that landscape, if she will be the type of person that will positively contribute to him/us. Anticipating the possibilities has been an exercise in futility for me, and has negatively impacted all of us on some levels. So let it go. Let. It. Go. They will love as they wish. Preparing for the worst hasn't served me well. Doing the best I can to give what is needed has served me well in the past. Go with what works.

On the flipside of things, I think it was good after a fashion to have PG see me so emotionally wrought up, to know that I DO indeed feel helplessness, or jealousy, or pain. Being a woman who has been described by her partner as "eerily stable" is both a blessing and a curse. There are times when I haven't felt like having an emotional response was ok, that I "should" be able to handle myself without leaning on others. Being in a space where I was so upset I couldn't really even fake it stripped away those illusions. I feel more able to show my feelings, to express things without censoring myself as stringently. Oddly enough, I can pretty much trace back the moment that shift happened. PG's other partner called me after their upheaval was largely over. She knew that I'd been struggling with it and wanted to talk with me. After a few moments on the phone, I said that I didn't have anything constructive or positive to contribute to the conversation. She said, "Then don't be positive or constructive." I think that was the first time in my life that someone had ever given me explicit permission to feel whatever I was feeling and express it in whatever fashion seemed best at the time. I blurted, I chastised, I ranted, raved and otherwise just let it all hang loose. Perhaps cathartic, certainly a tactic I'd never really tried before. I hated it. Part of me loved it. I've really wanted to push that rawness away from me. Over the past several weeks though, I've come to realize that parts of that uncensored reality have a place in my life. The parts that serve me and move me in a direction that I want to go with my life, with my loves, with my partners, with my growth. Respect the balance.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Turning the corner

Over the past couple of months there has been some significant changes in the poly landscape around here, mostly having to do with the way that PG's relationship with his other partner works. That has been a tough shift for me to make, and I've been in a space that was angry, scared, defensive, sad, and just generally unpleasant of late. For me, that type of emotional upheaval and distress is out of the ordinary. I'm usually pretty even, logical and willing to work on finding a place of comfort with things, so this has been really tough, both on me and on my partners, especially PG. Honestly, I can't think of a historical precedence for such a long period of feeling upset in the 14+ years of our relationship together.

Let's get to the good part! Over the past few days, it feels like I've turned a corner, found a bit of breathing room, been able to go towards a positive spin again. If I had to track it down, the turning point came on Sunday morning, as we were all knocking about the house after breakfast and decided to watch a little StarGate Atlantis. For some reason, the guys got it in their heads that the theme song in the opening credits sounds like cats, and even more interesting, decided that they wanted to sing along, ala feline mode. To top that off, they recorded themselves doing it, which I will share with the world now, assuming I can figure out how to attach the file!

So here I am, watching and listening as the men who love me day in and day out caterwaul in concert to a geeky show theme and realize that THIS IS MY LIFE! It's not the hard parts that take place in the periphery that I don't control anyways that count, it's the bits that happen right where I can see and feel it that matter. It's about going to a comedy show with PG and having a laugh because the comedian is talking about dry-heaving from too many masturbatory orgasms in a day and I'm likely one of the only WOMEN in the audience that knows that feeling. It's about S bringing by ingredients and a recipie from one of his manly magazines and cooking dinner together. It's about the kids trying to wheedle some money out of us for a fieldtrip and snuggling up on the couch together. It's about knowing that we are all doing our best with what we have to make a beautiful life of love and growth, and knowing that it will always have room for those who can join us on that level. It's about men singing in cat voice on a Sunday morning and that IS normal.

*Note: I'm still working on getting the vocal file uploaded.


Thursday, August 14, 2008

Keys, they hate me!

Yes, I know this isn't terribly poly oriented as a topic, other than it seems to happen when I am doing "poly" sorts of tasks. Last week, for example, as I was dropping off various children to daycamp, my car decides that it isn't going to allow me to turn the key in the ignition. Enter the tow truck, calling S to come and pick me up, and many hundreds of dollars in repair work. All this for a vehicle that we were planning to get rid of a couple months after the move! Well, looks like we're hanging on to it a little longer now, just to get some return on investment...

So today, I'm out and in the vicinity of S's apartment. I know he's out and about for the day working, but decide to be cool and drop him a special note just because. I stop by, use my key on the deadbolt, then the door knob, which promptly eats my key! Won't come out, won't turn, won't open the frickin' door. After much futile pushing, pulling and jiggling, I give it up and head home, after calling S to let him know that my key is stuck in his door and he can't get into his own space. Follow this up a couple hours later with me needing to handle locksmithing issues, as he's stuck over on jobs and well, it's my key anyways. I tell you, I am really looking forward to the keyless entry on the new house!!!

I've done a lot of packing today, especially in the kitchen and in my workspace. It's looking pretty barren, frankly. Still, every box I pack up is one step closer to creating a new space that is more organized, more detrius going by the wayside. All my books are packed, so that makes me more productive. I really don't know what I would do without books. TV isn't really my thing for more than an hour or so in a day. Fortunately, we're in a book-positive household! In the interests of maintaining some sort of budget on that form of entertainment, I am trying to get more books from the library again, although since I tend to prefer series fiction, that can be a bit spotty. I do a lot of re-reading of favorites, so things that I really like I buy to have on hand. Sort of emergency supplies for the mind. I'm looking forward to the new "Ethical Slut" coming out! That book is required reading for anyone that desires access to the inner circle of our poly pod. If you can't hang with most of those basic tenets, then it's not likely we're going to be a good fit for you. Bring on the discussion fodder!


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Little boxes...

As I gaze upon the multitude of boxes that now surrounds me, it brings to mind all of the various compartments that are part of my life, the roles, the people, the feelings. Last night was my 13th anniversary with PG! We spent a big chunk of time talking about how to maintain a sense of uniqueness, of purpose, of place in a shifting landscape. Some of that is easier at times with compartmentalization. When you can put one relationship into a category, say "Mom", and then anything that falls under that heading can go into that box.

It gets a little more complex when you have partners that have some similar strengths or skills. Amusingly, PG is a HUGE massage slut. I'm not telling things out of school here. It's a running joke now that he should just start advertising at the local massage schools to find dating material. At any rate, he's got a history of dating other massage therapists. Being one myself, there are times when that can feel a little off-putting, like they might be "better" than I am at something. What I've gotten to realize is that it's still a unique gift of my time, skills and energy to give bodywork to him, just as it is when either he or S help me out with technical issues.

The other question rolling around is if there are some "boxes" that don't suit what I need. Why am I keeping around that box that has been sitting in the emotional garage for the past 11 years unopened? Is it really necessary to process every little thing you've ever had an issue with, or can you look at the description on the label: Insecurities-Adolescence, and toss that box of issues out?

S is out getting a new bed for the new space today. He's also humoring me by picking up a new couch thingy for the office/library, so that I have a reading space nearby the computers. The end is in sight! Our door is now red. Walk-through is on Friday morning.

I'm off to obtain cake! It's PG's birthday today and there must be cake...


Sunday, August 10, 2008

The home stretch

So the moving sale is over! Barring a few larger furniture items, it's all packing from here on out. I'm very much ready to make the shift in residence, the shift in households. This is very akin to being ridiculously pregnant. You have a due date, you are uncomfortable with your current state (boxes and minimalist surroundings, chaos), and you would just like it to be over already so you can enjoy your new baby! Oh yes, let's not forget the joyousness of labor, the actual moving part! It is coming...

PG has a birthday this week, and our 13th anniversary is the day after that, so those two things will occupy the majority of my personal time this week. PG is also having a couple of overnights with his other sweetie, so I'm working on building a comfort zone around that. S also has a date this week while I'm off on anniversary fun, so it's a busy week for all of us! He also has another date next week that I am invited to...

Personally, I'd rather just suspend outside stuff until after the move, however, timing isn't one of those things that you get to choose for others, so I'm just going to have to deal in the interim. It's one of the more uncomfortable stages of poly for me at the moment though. All the transitions going on induce me to want a very stable predictable landscape on a personal level, so I would rather hang off on bringing new people (or even some of the vintage types!) into things right now. As it stands, it's less than three weeks until we're pretty much in the new space, so I think I am going to choose to try to delay processing things, or thinking too deeply about my feelings for a month or so. Discomfort can be a part of the growth curve, but I am looking to minimize it as much as possible at this point! Bring on the stability!!!


Thursday, August 7, 2008

Doldrums of summer

There are so very many things that I am thinking about these days that it seems as though I seldom have a moment of serenity in my own mind. Little by little, all the various things that need to be accomplished are happening, and yet it seems as though the list continues to grow and change as we get closer to Moving Day. PG and S are both very good about supporting me when my head is about to explode, so I am truly blessed. We've noticed that one of the positives about triad life is that the chances of everyone in the household having a bad day, or needing lots of emotional bolstering are MUCH lower, so that leads to more stability for everyone and less strain on any one partner.

For me, I tend to be pretty mellow and very social, so being a bit less relaxed and a lot less social feeling of late perplexes me, not to mention the rest of the family! We're all looking at the move as a reset point for many things, including some professional stuff, so the three weeks to go seem both close and too far away, depending on which priority tops the list at a given time!

Mostly the kids are doing well with this. The daughter that PG and I share was wigging about it a few months back, but now she's pretty ready and raring to go! Can't wait for her new room, putting things where she wants them to be, living close to different kids, and just generally having more options. S's daughter is having anxiety at this point, I think. She's been a bit more snarly and snarky at times, and I'm sure she's nervous about what the new structure will be like. We've tried for a level of consistency already between houses, but there are some differences in general routines that will be an adjustment, like less television and more interaction, differences in a lot of the little details of life, new school etc. The hope is that once we are in space, have the structure in place, and things are routine and consistent, that a lot of the little conflicts will self-resolve. Other than that, we're prepared to have a bit of a rollercoaster for a while!

PG is talking with another local poly woman whose spouse is moving his sweetie in with them shortly as well. I feel really encouraged that he's building a community resource that can truly be in his shoes, and hopefully provide a good sounding board. Met her briefly at a community event, but didn't get a chance to talk. She seemed really nice, with that sparkle I resonate with. Their first date is on Friday, and S and I are taking the kids for the evening to hang out with his ex gf and her kids. Life is interesting, especially when you aren't feeling particularly social and social opportunities keep coming to you! ;)


Monday, August 4, 2008

Silent Bob?


Yeah, I'm supposed to be the one interested in professionally writing, yet I'm sure it's the other two who will probably consume the most blog-space. I consider myself to still be in my "exploring life" phase instead of my "documenting life" phase. Maybe if they let me blog at work, I'd have the spare time. But since the other two people in this triad are home-office types, they can fit a post into spare moments I usually don't get.

But are you all really interested in my sordid affairs? Really? Honestly?

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Go! Be poly, they said...

Ok, so no one ever actually said that to me. It seems like the entirity of my youth was spent trying to fit into a box that never seemed big enough. From my background as the eldest daughter of an evangelical minister, where many of the impulses I had were labeled as dirty, perverse, misguided or just something to be hidden. Ironically, my current lovestyle as a polyamorous woman is FAR more honest and authentic than in my nuclear family, where honesty was a value held dear as long as it didn't make anyone think too much or face uncomfortable truths, but I digress.

As a teenager, I dated secretly more than one person at a time. It was par for the course. I tried to pretend that 2 or 3 people who had some good qualities, but didn't make great partners, could combine to create one satisfactory boyfriend! When I met my husband, polygestalt, I discovered a person who was totally sufficient in and of himself. He also has a great knack for not trying to change others around him, or to force them to conform to his views. In short, he was open to growing with me. We wed when I was a mere stripling of 19, and I've never regretted that stabilizing force in my life.

So here we are, we're married, happy, in love, poking along in our journey through life, then the idea comes into play of opening things up. Since I was about 6 months pregnant at the time, we opted to research and check things out for a while. Then dove in with both feet! For me, this looked like flying off to Vegas to meet this guy I'd grown close to purely online. Crazy, but it worked. He was my long distance lover for 6 years, and the first time I truly realized that I was very capable of loving and supporting more than one person at a time emotionally. Pivotal!

Polygestalt (hubby) started a significant relationship with G a couple years ago. That has been a very important influence for him, and our first experiences with mixing up families, kids, and local partners. They are sort of shifting things around in their bond currently, so that is something that is working through. Sort of a downsizing? I dunno, but it feels different.

Fast forward to the day that I looked over at the longtime friend of our family, s1m0n, and decided to act on the attraction and flirtation we'd had going for 13 years. "I would so totally do you, if I didn't think it would totally mess you up." or some such variant. He did this blinking thing, deer in the headlights, then got up and kissed me goofy. We've been pretty much inseparable ever since, and the three of us decided to capitalize on the slumping housing market and buy a home together, big enough to accomodate two businesses, our poly triad of three adults, and the two kids we have between us. Move-in is less than a month off, and there is a lot of change in the air. We've tried to anticipate as much as possible in advance, but there are some things that aren't likely to occur to us until we are fully combined.

Want to watch and see what happens? This could get interesting...