Am I Queer?

In a recent discussion thread, the question was posited as to whether being poly oriented was enough to make one queer? To be honest, the whole concept of "queer" has largely passed me by. While I have many friends that self-identify queer, my partners tend towards using bi, straight, or mostly gay as descriptors, and that's the pool I've been swimming in. The question about poly in relation to queer got me thinking more about it though, and perhaps is setting me in the direction of a shift in self-labeling.

I'm not straight. I'm not gay. While being distinctly female, my more dominant take on life is often perceived as "masculine". I've been told by multiple people that I "Fuck like a man.", whatever that means! Being around 6 foot tall, I'm not the cute pocket-sized woman that blends in easily. My hair is vividly colored and short, maybe even a little butch at times. Clothes range from athletic for work, to slutty for play. None of my partners are conforming, although some may look it on the surface. I'm comfortable around people of any gender (or none) and orientation, but favor those who aren't particularly binary/straight/mono for social connections. Does any of this make me queer, or is queer something that must be claimed?

Is queer a political/social/sociological movement? This is probably where I haven't gotten on board the train thus far. On top of the energy that I put into parenting, my relationships, my business, and the local poly community, it just seems a bit daunting to don another hat that requires defending against the masses. Queer has always seemed an activist term to me. Something that requires being part of a movement. Perhaps I'm overstating? What if I get to just _be_ queer?

Part of me has a squick at the word itself. It seems designed to draw a line of "otherness" around those who claim it, and I tend towards seeing myself as someone who is on the farther reaches of a continuum, rather than on a completely separate scale. Poly, kinky and bi don't feel as distinct emotionally to me. How do others who identify with queer see it?

Food for thought. No conclusions at this time. More mulling required.

Privilege

Privilege: A right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most.

This word is bandied about pretty regularly in poly circles. Endlessly debated, as though it is a bad thing in all circumstances. I have reached saturation with it. Being so tired of it, here are some of my thoughts regarding this oh-so-loaded word! ;)

Gender, spirituality, level of experience, ethnicity, body size, height, sexuality, marital status, age, introversion/extroversion, disabled, mentally diagnosed in some way, sex positive/negative, employed/unemployed/self-employed, dominant/submissive, kinky/vanilla, poly/mono. The list of things that we are supposedly privileged by is extensive, and seems to grow directly in proportion to how much someone is outside societal norms.

There are a great many of these things that are unchangeable, not chosen. That is the arena in which it seems very reasonable to make some noise about changing and have some righteous indignation about. The ones that are chosen behaviors in some ways? Do your thing, be unapologetic about it, educate others, and be prepared for some resistance.

I'm a person that chooses to be poly. Yes, on many levels I consider that to be more hard-wired than not, but I lived mono for many years quite successfully, and it was a conscious decision on my part to divert from that societally privileged state and be authentically who I am. Yes, I live in the Pacific Northwest, where poly isn't so odd. While an eyebrow may be cocked, and there are potential repercussions, I don't live in fear of being exposed. Some will see that as coming from a position of privilege. I tend to see it more as setting up my life so that it works pretty well, despite opting to do and be many things that are quite a bit outside the box.

No, it wasn't easy. Yes, I've paid significant prices for my choices. People that choose to live inside the boxes have prices they pay for their privilege as well, ones that I am unwilling to pay. The folks that spend inordinate amounts of time whinging about how they, or others that they see, are oppressed by the establishment wouldn't choose to be a part of it if they had a graven invitation.

Yes, it is important for each of us to push for changes that are personally valuable and desired. Just remember that societal norms are a moving target, and acknowledge the progress we've already made, rather than complaining that it isn't yet perfect. The 'edge' of today is the 'old hat' of tomorrow. Transformation on a broader level comes from people doing things that aren't easily accepted, and making them a working example to those who lack their perspective and experiences. Remedying ignorance, not railing about privilege, is really where the fight will be won. When more people know and understand healthy, functioning families that happen to be poly, the fear that excludes us from privileges diminishes.

How can you show someone who you are in a way that expands their mind? Who can you reach out to, in some small way, to dispel an irrational fear? Create a new attitude in each person whose life you touch by being who you are without apology or trepidation. I am privileged to be living my life on my terms, and no individual or societal expectation can change that unless I allow it.