On Being Transparent

In my opinion, Polyamory just doesn't happen. It's a journey, not a condition. Nobody is perfect at being poly and it's much bigger than applying a self-affixing label.

That's why I guess I'm skeptical of people who - with a flip of a switch - suddenly say, "Oh Jesus, wow, I'm Poly!" as if they had a V8 moment and (cue Emeril) BAM! They're poly. I just don't think it happens that way. Being poly takes a lot of practice.

So I guess this is a story about my practice.

My initial run at non-monogamy was under the auspices of the default model. That's to say I was married and cheating, and that was anything but ethical, moral, or transparent. I wasn't supposed to be seeing anyone else. I didn't reveal what I was doing to my spouse because that wasn't how the cheating game was played.

So, when I came around to dabble in Polyamory, I had a lot of built-in behaviors that erred towards concealment, avoidance, and lying. I had a lot of de-programming to do.

I'm not sure if I can speak for other men but I'd be willing to bet that there's a tendency to lean more this way, particularly for those brand new to the polyamorous experience and transitioning from monogamy. There's something in you that wants to gravitate towards the cheating game.

• Maybe it felt awkward to share the details of your time with another lover;
• maybe you wanted to spare your partner hurt feelings; 
• maybe you felt your choices would be scrutinized;
• maybe some of the things you did or places you went hit a little too close to home, or could have rubbed her the wrong way;
• maybe you just felt weird about talking openly with your spouse.

Whatever. For me, it was a little of all of these things. They created some pretty bad habits.

Before I'd go on a date with somebody else, I wouldn't volunteer information to my wife on where I was going to go or do. And when I returned, I'd be hesitant to give a full accounting back to my wife.

Over the years, I've mellowed. I thought about the way that I'd want to be treated, and that's not how I'd like to be treated in those circumstances with any of my partners. These days:

• I tend to schedule with my partners in advance. Weeks or sometimes months in advance. And as you know, we share calendars through Google so we can all see our time and availability.

• Regardless, when I'm chatting with my partners in the morning, I tell my partners when I'm going to see someone. It could be a regular, established partner or somebody new, but even though it's on the calendar, I want to be clear about what's on my agenda for the day.

• If a regular partner, a lot of that person is already known and we're likely to be frisky and have sex. If it's a new person or a new date, or if I'm intending to go to a party where adult play might be involved, then I'll try to clarify what I expect will happen.

• I'll usually open up to a conversation at the point with "do you have any questions or requests?" At this point I'm trying to extend an opportunity. If any one of my partners has a particular squick, or, are just feeling a tad insecure about my activities, now's the chance to talk about expectations, boundaries ... actions that I can take that'll make them feel a little more comfortable.

• And sometimes - and you're probably thinking this - conditions change. Expectations run-afoul. The agreements that I have with my partners are to make the best choices I can then follow up with a conversation at the earliest opportunity. 

• I try to be back on time, at the time that I promised or said I'd be back, and again, if conditions change, I'm expected to call or text just to let folks know I'm okay. A good example are check-ins for arrivals and departures - I'll often text my partners to let them know when I'm back at home, or, arrived at a party, or, left a date. That way they're not hung up on what's going on.

• Then afterwards, especially if it was a new date or situation, I'll open up another dialog with my partners. How are you feeling? Here's a little of what happened - do you need to know more? Any questions for me?

Some might read what I'm doing here and shudder.

Like, OMG:TMI, or, dude, you're so pussy-whipped, or, Jesus, are you some kind of control freak to expect this out of everyone else in your life?!

Shuh.

I guess I feel that what I do here is, at foremost, trying to give a voice to my partners, and that my activities don't occur in a vacuum. They've got a say and input into what's going on. I'm also extending an opportunity to ask questions in an effort to curb jealousy, envy, or any other negative emotion through communication. I'm also trying to be transparent so that they understand where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling. Finally, I'm trying to build and reinforce trust between me and all of my partners.

Personally, I don't feel controlled or controlling. I try not to meddle too deeply into the affairs of my partners or challenge their personal autonomy. I do want to be a factor in their lives and have some insight into their feelings, their activities, and their shifting emotional landscape; I don't want to be taken by surprise.

Anyway, that's a little of what I've learned, that transparency goes a long way in being Polyamorous, and opens the doors to new possibilities and understandings about yourself and your partners. It's one more step to being truly genuine and honest, and that's the way I try to approach it.

Russell

Being Poly Means Never Saying No. To yourself...

Notice:  Rant warning!

Frankly, this is one of the more irritating takes on poly that I run across! Based on the idea of autonomous hedonistic abandon: There is no one of importance in decision making, outside of yourself, even in situations where multiple partners are impacted by those decisions.   The feelings and needs of others are only considered if it's convenient, and fits with what someone naturally, organically, wants to do themselves.

When someone uses the fact that they are poly to justify impolite, inconsiderate, irresponsible, unkind-to-others behavior, it really grates on me.   "Well, I wanted to do X, so even though our agreement was that X was off the table, I did it anyways.  Stop trying to control me!  That's not poly!  So there!"

Show a bit of SELF control!  Being in relationships involves, well, relating to others.  It's not a solo practice.  If the objective is complete autonomy, get out of the relationship business.   Keep things strictly transactional, so that no one is surprised when you fly off to Hedonism III, instead of showing up for the family vacation.

There are going to be times where saying "no" to yourself involves saying "no" to someone else as well.   That sucks.  I get it.  It'd be nifty keen if we were all independently wealthy, had unlimited time, and there were no conflicts between your partner's schedules and needs.   It'd be groovy if all the practicalities of life spontaneously took care of themselves, and no one had to do laundry instead of taking a free class on sensual massage with the Swedish Bikini Team, where they were the demo model. 

Life ain't like that!  Deal with reality here: Sometimes, saying "no" to yourself in the moment is the best thing you can do to create the opportunity to say "yes" in the future.   Sometimes, you just do without, but in the end, if you are surrounded by those you love, and you respect how you've gotten there, isn't that worth telling yourself no?

Trust.

It's such a short word, but trust is a very large concept.  It's important to have it with others, it's important to feel comfortable giving it to others.  In relationships, it's absolutely essential for me to feel trusting, and to be trust-worthy.

Something I've noticed with those newer to poly is that there is an assumption that the trust they have built in their relationship with each other over time also translates directly out to any new relationships they are forming. This has proved a bit problematic, as the people in those new budding poly relationships that are changing from previously monogamous to polyamorous are usually oblivious that this expectation is present.

It might not be going to ground zero on the trust factor when moving from mono to poly in your original dyad, but poly is a different dynamic, with different skills needed, different negotiations to have, different agreements to develop, and a different kind of trust to earn.

Yep, I said earn. People can talk about giving trust all they like, but every time I've "given" someone my trust, it's because their words and actions are congruent enough over time that trust is built.  The longer this goes on, the more consistent and congruent they are, the more I trust them.

So, you've been in a monogamous marriage/relationship for the past 5-10 years.  You've been through thick and thin together.  You've seen each other sick, crying, vulnerable, happy, joyous, frustrated, focused.  There have been vacations together, children born and raised, pets picked together, bills paid, debts accrued and discharged, mutually impacting decisions made.  Why doesn't the trust you've earned there just transfer into your poly life together?  Because this is something different enough that it gets its own category of trust-earning, and that trust folder is currently empty, if you're lucky, or filled with things like, "I've met someone that I really think is shiny, and I'd like us to consider polyamory!".

To move from mono to poly, there is a change in existing agreements, which resets the clock after a fashion.  The good news is that you *get* to start over.  The bad news is that you *have* to start over.  If you treat your long-term partnership as though you've got those 5-10 years of historical trust to buoy you up in this new endeavor, it's likely to bite you in the ass. Sure, it doesn't disappear, but this new category needs to be filled with positive shared experience to earn the trust in poly.

How does one accomplish this?  Pretty much the same ways you accrued trust within your mono dyad.  Do what you say you're going to do. Don't do things you haven't negotiated for.  Show up when you say you'll be there.  Don't go MIA without notice. Take care of your responsibilities.  Ask, rather than assume, if you need help with something.  Communicate clearly and consistently without a hidden agenda.  Don't make up stories in your head about what's going on with your partner and their new connection(s), instead, ask for information.   Ask for what you want/need before it becomes a problem in your relationship.

If your objective is to create an environment that nourishes your vintage relationships, as well as your new poly ones, it's well-worth the investment to build your poly trust bank up.  Trust is simple, but not always easy, to earn.