Thursday, October 30, 2008

Recycling old shit, and how to turn it into compost?

There are issues that seem to keep coming up, over and over again, biting you in the ass when you least expect it, or sometimes when you do. Those triggers that grab you where you live, drag you out, kicking and screaming into the face of your own insecurities and pain. You process, you do the work, you think you've got them licked, then they come back again.

How does one, or DOES one, finally, completely eradicate the old shit that keeps resurfacing? Is there a place where it at least becomes useful compost to grow something new from? Actually, I've found some of the least savory experiences in life to be the most formative, the most positive to motivate moving forward. Still, it would seem like there must be a happy medium, where you get the benefits from moving on a new tangent, due to an experience that shook things up, and yet don't have the trigger point pain stabbing you at unexpected moments.

Most of the interesting people I've ever met have had hugely nasty or traumatic things happen to them, usually as a child. Their childhood was shitty. People abused them physically, sexually or otherwise. They experienced major change on a regular basis. Someone very close to them died. In short, there was massive challenge(s) they lived through, and came out the other side stronger than they went in. This has been the case for me, and I wouldn't turn any of those experiences in on a more convenient and safely bland life path, but it sure would be nice to mulch them down a bit more!

So share your insight with me, tell me what's worked for you? How have you moved into stronger space, uncontaminated, but still wiser, for the experiences you've had? How have you turned the shit that life has shoveled at you into the fuel for your future?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Adult Housewarming Party Thoughts


About 80% of the people we invited and were either "yes" or "maybe" responses to the RSVP showed up -- which is a pretty good ratio I'd say. So, we had 20 people in the house at the high water mark (including the hosts).

At first, I wanted to do name tags since about half the people attending the party didn't know anyone in the other half. But, since clothes would be changed or come off completely, I figured that would get problematic very quickly. So, I thought that a white board set up in the entry would at least give people a place to see names and reinforce memory from introductions earlier in the evening. To keep things simple, the mapping key I used was linked circles for co-habiting people and a line between people for any type of connection -- be it anything from friendship to intimate partners.

The invitees were from various spheres in our lives: Former Swinger Connections, Craigslist Connection, OKcupid Connections, LoveTribe Connections, and Polyamory Discussion Group Connections. Together they make a great mix of people who generally seemed to get along pretty darn well! (Some in a more intimate fashion than others...) ;)

The setup: DOWNSTAIRS was the general social and food space. I really enjoyed how we re-configured the kitchen area for the bar and food tables. We were able to comfortably fill the downstairs kitchen/family room area with all of our guests. UPSTAIRS was the sensual spaces and I hung signs renaming each room: Guest bedroom became "The Torture Chamber" (containing the violet wand and B's custom strap-and-buckle chair), S1m0n's room became "The Stud Stable" (containing the Sybian), PolyGestalt and PolyFulcrum's room became "The Gallery of Delights" (as a public play and gathering space), PolyGestalt's office/retreat became "The Love Nest" (the only closed-door private place space for two or three people at a time).

The only odd thing for me was having so many of my actual and potential female connections in the same place at the same time. It was nice to be able to introduce them to each other, but at least a bit mentally awkward to balance enough interaction time between all of them. I mostly just "went with the flow" and roamed around the party making sure that everyone was having a good time.

So, from my impromptu exit polling when people left the party, I'd say that we have a repeatable party on our hands! The only question is: Should we have these every 3 months or every 6 months? Feel free to respond with your votes!

Sunday, October 26, 2008


PF- my perspective

The big poly-oriented housewarming party was last night, and it felt like a good success! We had nice turnout, a variety of experience levels, lots of big piles of scantily clad people, use of special equipment brought in for the evening, interesting conversations, loads of orgasms and new experiences available for the eager to try.

The big experiment in getting things running earlier in the evening seemed to work out well! It was remarked by more than one person how nice it was to not be totally wiped out by the time they'd had some fun and had to drive home. I still had a hard time sleeping, having my mind pretty well buzzed from all the various conversations and adventures for the evening. Oddly enough, I still didn't connect fully with any new male energy. It puzzles me a bit, but since I'm not feeling a lack, I guess I'll just take it as it comes without trying to push an agenda just to do something.

B and S both played a bit with some new people, and it looked like PG was a bit torn by having several interesting people in the same space and time. I did get to enjoy some very fun electrical play with a delightful woman who is involved with a long-time erotic friend of ours. We had a couple of overnight guests, which was nice to wake up to this morning, and there were several people who had puppy 'gasms, which was fun for all concerned. The piles of people were pretty impressive, and I will cherish the mental picture of our bed so totally and completely covered with snuggling sexy geeks!

As per usual, my clothes came off first, and I took the initiative to get the ball rolling, along with some helpful guests who put on a lovely display of flogging. It was a pretty kink-oriented party, which is a bit different than most of the poly gatherings we've been to. Of course, the way the floggers were laid out next to the bondage chair might have had something to do with that... ;)

One of my favorite things was that everyone helped with party prep and clean up both. It really felt like we did it together and contributed fully across the board as a household. The space worked really well for this function, and I am hoping we'll do this again in a few months!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Ramping up!

Polyfulcrum feels enthused-

So tomorrow is the (hopefully) great party we are throwing! In the early days of our relationship, PG and I had some really fun parties, as a matter of fact, my personal favorite involves S, way back in the days before we dated each other. ;) After that, we sort of went through a few years where our party mojo was a little off, then died following the advent of parenting. No one knows what that's like, right?

This is our first major attempt to resurrect the hopping fun days of yore and take it up a whole additional notch with the addition of sexy and poly interactions. Having attended several events in the larger community, and also being able to choose (to some level) the attendees has generally left things feeling pretty good.

Probably the biggest departure that we're making, is to try to get things rolling earlier in the evening. It's a tragic joke, but I am one of those people that crash a bit earlier than most. This has led to some frustration in the past when attending events. There I am falling asleep, or getting grumpy when I still haven't manifested desired connections at 1am or later. There was a rant at OryCon a couple years ago where I was audibly wondering what a woman has to do to get laid before midnight?!?!?!? Truly, it was funny...later. So we're requesting that people start getting more scantily attired by 8pm. We're also separating the space into up and downstairs, with downstairs being more snuggle and platonic social activity, and upstairs being more hedonistic and naked. Hopefully this will provide a nice range of available energy and places that people can feel comfortable throughout their experience of the evening.

Best laid plans... I'm sure that once things get rolling, it's just all going to be based on who is there, and what everyone's up for. At the very least, we'll have cute puppies, fun toys, and a good environment for our guests to enjoy their evening in.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Party at the House!


So, those of you that read this blog, are interested in coming, and have somehow gotten missed on the invitation list for our upcoming party on Saturday, please holler at us! We want to have a great mix of people interested in seriously sexy fun.

On that note: This will be our first real attempt at a larger social event in the new space, and as a larger household. The new puppies add a wrinkle into things, and I'm really hoping that our guests and metamours are willing to help pitch in and take the kids out at various points in time, as well as get some intense socialization in for them!

PG is working hard to get a variety of details lined up for the event, and we're all trying to add a little here and there to help things run smoothly. It sounds like we've been able to borrow some cool toys from metamours and friends (bondage chair, sybian), which could add a nice bit of spice and variety to the proceedings. I just ran over to pick up extra "party hats" and lube, although I am very happy that our guests will be policing their own interactions on the barrier level of things.

S has been sick this week. This sounds like a small thing, but it's the first time he's taken time off work in 5 years or better, so that's kind of big to him. Since he runs at pretty full capacity as it is, a day off really cramps the rest of the week. Hopefully, he'll be fully recovered by Saturday! Since our guest list is somewhat female slanted, we'll need all hands on deck to help out! ;)

For me, I'm trying to fit things in between puppy duties, with varying amounts of success. There are several people that I'll be meeting for the first time at the event, so that can help create a certain level of anticipation/concern about how those interactions might go. I also realized at lunch today that I haven't had sex with any other men besides the ones I live with since S and I started dating. Shocking! lol Who knows? There are some that I find interesting on the guest list, so things may drift in that direction. Perhaps some additional processing time will be needing afterward, but things are good and stable, and we're all looking forward to having some fun!

The main focus is to enjoy the company of our friends and see if any of them hit it off, or have common interests. Cross-mojenate and introduce our household to a larger community of those we enjoy spending time with. Bring on the social circle jerk! ;)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Who is poly?

PF muses:

We (PG, PF, S and our dating partner, B) went to the local poly discussion group last night. It was a larger than usual group, representing several takes on poly, from different stages of development, including some people that had been poly for 20 years or better! As it usually seems, there was a couple there just opening up their relationship, and looking to find community and a way to answer some of their questions and observe some real live poly people in action. ;)

One of the thoughts that came up after looking around the circle and seeing all the various types of people represented was trying to figure out _who_ gets interested in, or involved in polyamory? After some thought, and looking at the variety of polys I've met and talked with, it seems like there are three major types that get into poly.

First, we have the techno-geek. I'm partnered with two of these! Because the geek didn't grow up popular they aren't afraid to branch out as much as others and like the logical aspects of multiple partners fulfilling a myriad of needs.

Secondly, the healer. This would be my type! PG seems to almost exclusively date this type. They see the emotional healing that can be done within poly relationships and enjoy the rich and complex environment that continually evolves.

Thirdly, the artist/actor/dancer/musician. This may also include SCA members, for example. These are the ones that blaze their own trail and like to create their own reality.

There is a lot of overlap between these, and I'm sure something has been missed, but it's a good starting point when seeking out new partners. Where do you find them? Go to your local massage therapy school, latest musical hot spot, or a gamers haven! We're everywhere!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Mother love

Polyfulcrum again:

So I give my mother a call this morning. The usual sort of "it's been a few weeks and I should touch bases" thing. She unloads at me all sorts of emotional blackmail. How do we assure our daughter's safety around our other partners, as you never know who might be a pedophile? Do we have group sex? Don't I want them to be happy with me? Where is God in all of this? Do you really want your daughter to grow up "like that"? You really must get off on doing things that put you at risk of your life falling apart at any time... There's more, but really, it's about the same tone.

I knew when we came out to them that it was going to be a bit rough. They are staunch conservative Christians, minister and wife, and neither of us is likely to budge much in our stance. The good pieces of the conversation were that I really held it together and didn't allow myself to get riled up much, stuck to non-violent methods of communication, mirrored what she was feeling back pretty well, and just generally tried to speak with integrity about my personal positions and stayed honest.

It sucks that the only thing that matters to them is religion. Nothing else counts. Any other factors are irrelevant. This isn't a new position though. It's been that way since I left the church and struck out on my own. I guess I should be pleased that she at least acknowledged, without my prompting, that the people around me seem to be good people. They are.

The family of choice that I enjoy is more real to me than the one of biology I was stuck with. I will continue to live the life that fills me with joy and fits who I am inside.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy Birthday to me!

Polyfulcrum celebrates:

This upcoming weekend is my birthday, #33 to be precise, so I guess I'm officially in my mid-thirties now! I'm very happy that I am able to spend individual time with both S and PG as part of that celebration. Much better to have time to myself and my loves without domestic responsibilities than get a new robe. ;)

S and I went to a quirky little tree house out in the gorge last weekend and we pretty well collapsed. Slept and ate and enjoyed the time together. I think the sleeping was a key feature though. ;) It seems like we've all been pushing so hard in the past couple months in particular that when we were able to stop, it was just a total crash. S was wily enough to set up a massage for me at the beginning of the trip, so put that on top of the hot tub on the deck and I was a happy woman!

This upcoming weekend, PG and I are going to the Seattle area together! We have some things that we are planning to do, and I'm sure there will be quite a bit of that relaxed snuggle and crash sort of stuff going on as well. We're also supposed to have dinner with our friends who are feeling very uncomfortable with our poly selves. Since that's pretty early on in our trip, I am hoping that it doesn't negatively color outlooks, or lead to too much mulling things over.

S is being rather brave. He's handling both kids AND the new puppies while we're gone. Last weekend while he and I were out, PG was at home with our daughter taking care of business. This would point out one of the main advantages of the poly household model. With the exceptions of the few times that all of us head out together as a larger group, there is usually someone available to hold things down on the home front, freeing up others of us to be out and about. We all have more opportunities to participate in a wider variety of activities and trips. There are times when I feel like I take advantage of that, since I am seldom the one that is at home alone while they are out, then I consider all of the additional domestic stuff I handle during an average week, and I get over it! ;)

Sunday, October 12, 2008



Tonight, we added two new additions to the family. Both of them are five-to-six week old puppies from different parents and neither are pure-bred.

BELLA (the light-colored one) is from a litter of puppies whose mom died one month after birthing them; her mom was abandoned at a nearby dog park. We suspect that she has some lab, german shepard and maybe some pit bull mixed into her.

DONNA (the black one) is from a litter of puppies where the father is a 100 pound lab and the mother is a small terrier. She's also the runt of the litter. So... who knows how big she'll get eventually.

And yeah, we like word play. :)

Main Entry: bel·la·don·na
Pronunciation: \ˌbe-lə-ˈdä-nə\
Function: noun
Etymology: Italian, literally, beautiful lady
Date: 1597

1 : an Old World poisonous plant (Atropa belladonna) of the nightshade family having purple or green bell-shaped flowers, glossy black berries, and root and leaves that yield atropine —called also deadly nightshade

2 : a medicinal extract (as atropine) from the belladonna plant

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Being Rejected


A friend I've known since high school just visited our new house for the first and last time. An hour ago, he told me that he and his wife were so uncomfortable with our lifestyle choice that visiting us would be tacit approval of that lifestyle and they would not be visiting our house ever again. They would still remain our friends, but all further gatherings would have to be on neutral ground. They would also be OK with having just PolyFulcrum and myself over to their house, but not with any of our additional connections in tow.

The polite, but somewhat tense conversation touched on their concern over my daughter's life growing up in our house as well as their own sense that we would unwittingly corrupt their own marriage and new child that is due next month. It saddens me that they feel the need to restrict our interactions to such a degree. I fear that will wither our 20 year friendship down to a dry husk of its former self.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Odd poly moments...

Polyfulcrum expounds:

We had a housewarming party this past weekend that consisted largely of PG's family and co-workers and a few friends to leaven things with. It was our first big event in the new space, and I think we're all delighted with the way that was working!

My mother in law brought a blanket over as a gift that has all our names embroidered on it, and the kids, which I thought was extremely sweet and supportive of her. All of PG's sisters were here, and there was an amusing moment while one of them was browsing the bookcases and I'm quite sure saw one of our polyamory books out. Both S and I thought the other had put it away.

Later in the evening G (PG's... whatever they're calling each other these days? sweetie?) and her kids decided to spend the night on the fly. This left her stranded without feminine hygiene products, as we use different varieties. Thus was borne one of the odd poly moments in life: S and I went on a mission to buy feminine hygiene products for G, whom neither of us has a direct relationship with, while PG and G were putting the lot of kids that we all share to bed! I'm not sure why I found that so amusing, but I really did. ;)

On a slightly more toned-down note, I also found myself feeling sad later on. G was a part of my family at one point, and I keep hoping to find that feeling of family coming back following the re-orientation in their relationship. During the overnight and following morning, I wasn't able to resurrect that family vibe, and I don't know if that's going to come back. We were very amicable with each other, friendly, interacted well, and were helpful and appreciative of each other, but it just wasn't the same, and I miss that.