Being Poly Means Never Saying No. To yourself...

Notice:  Rant warning!

Frankly, this is one of the more irritating takes on poly that I run across! Based on the idea of autonomous hedonistic abandon: There is no one of importance in decision making, outside of yourself, even in situations where multiple partners are impacted by those decisions.   The feelings and needs of others are only considered if it's convenient, and fits with what someone naturally, organically, wants to do themselves.

When someone uses the fact that they are poly to justify impolite, inconsiderate, irresponsible, unkind-to-others behavior, it really grates on me.   "Well, I wanted to do X, so even though our agreement was that X was off the table, I did it anyways.  Stop trying to control me!  That's not poly!  So there!"

Show a bit of SELF control!  Being in relationships involves, well, relating to others.  It's not a solo practice.  If the objective is complete autonomy, get out of the relationship business.   Keep things strictly transactional, so that no one is surprised when you fly off to Hedonism III, instead of showing up for the family vacation.

There are going to be times where saying "no" to yourself involves saying "no" to someone else as well.   That sucks.  I get it.  It'd be nifty keen if we were all independently wealthy, had unlimited time, and there were no conflicts between your partner's schedules and needs.   It'd be groovy if all the practicalities of life spontaneously took care of themselves, and no one had to do laundry instead of taking a free class on sensual massage with the Swedish Bikini Team, where they were the demo model. 

Life ain't like that!  Deal with reality here: Sometimes, saying "no" to yourself in the moment is the best thing you can do to create the opportunity to say "yes" in the future.   Sometimes, you just do without, but in the end, if you are surrounded by those you love, and you respect how you've gotten there, isn't that worth telling yourself no?

Examining Couple Privilege Versus Earned Privilege

Last night we hosted our monthly discussion group and the topic was couple privilege.

If you're not familiar with the term, Aggie at Solopoly writes extensively on the issue - and I'd really recommend bookmarking her site - but generally it refers to the bias, decisions, and restrictions implemented by a married "core" couple in web of polyamorous relationships.

Couple privilege can be found in the negotiated boundaries and expectations set by a married couple as they launch into polyamory. These conditions are designed to protect their marriage and can be perceived as dismissive, demeaning, or even cruel to secondaries who're forced to oblige by the rules to play ball.

Hopefully, over time, the married couple learns to trust themselves, and they will voluntarily release restrictions, drop controls, or, renegotiate conditions in conjunction with the new partners, so that everyone gets a voice.

If not, continued unilateral decisions made by the core couple can be rather harsh. In effect, the secondary and their feelings can find themselves sacrificed on the alter of good intentions ... all in order to preserve the core couple's marriage.

I encountered a phrase last night that I really wanted to explore in more depth. Somebody referred to it as earned privilege.

The problem that I have with the couple privilege argument is that it seeks a level of instant equality that just can't exist for me, and I've written about this before in the context of hierarchical poly.

In my understanding of life, there are inherent privileges extended to my wife. She's got eighteen years of history with me; an enormous emotional investment; financial and property entanglements; domestic chores and obligations; kids ... practically, it's just impossible for me to look at another relationship on the same level as the one I have with my wife. I've got too much skin in the game.

Thus I must acknowledge that there's inherent bias in my decision-making that will err on the side of preserving my marriage. And, honestly, I'm not really apologetic about it. It's my marriage. I dig it. I choose to keep it around. Call it couple privilege or whatever: it's important to me. It's going to affect everything I do.

Now, within the scope of couple privilege discussion, I've got a problem with implied entitlement. There ain't no such thing as "equal" or "fair". A new partner of mine can't waltz in and demand equal time, commitment, attention, and decision-making as my wife. A. That's not going to fly with her; B. It's totally impractical - I've got other commitments;  C. It jeopardizes my marriage.

But to me - and my wife - there is such a thing as sweat equity.

There's a path to earn mutual respect, trust, and joint decision-making in our lives. And that's where I triggered on earned privilege.

I believe that if a new partner can:

• honor my marriage;
• reach out and try to form a relationship/friendship with my wife;
• demonstrate patience and a willingness to find common ground;
• abide by our agreements; 
• talk through problems and implement changes;
• join me and yet enjoy the company of my family;
• participate in both the domestic crap as much as the secondary bliss

... then conditions change. Instead of making unilateral agreements between my wife and I, my secondary partner becomes a part of the discussion. Through her skills, trust, dedication, empathy, and willingness, she's earned a seat at the table. And couple privilege ... erodes. It probably doesn't entirely go away but the conditions change.  It's not just about my wife and I; it's about us.

A silly example but one that kind of has resonance for me was this weekend. My wife and I are out shopping for couches. Pretty common. Husband and wife go out shopping for a new couch. She and I are laying on it, taking pictures, thinking of how it'll work, and I'm getting a quote from the sales guy. This looks like another couple privilege/unilateral decision, right? But then my wife stops me. "Wait a second. Maybe we should ask Dave and Camille what they think before we buy it?"

So there we are, getting ready to shift something big in our own personal space, and Gina wants to check-in with our other partners. Not a unilateral decision but a joint decision, involving all of us. To me, that's earned privilege in action. Dave and Camille didn't get to have a say in that decision simply by virtue of being in our lives, by just being there and inheriting equal say. They've put a lot into us and earned a place at the table.

And the couch is largely symbolic. Along with earned privilege comes more time, activities, shared space, and integration. The relationships get larger and become more meaningful. Then couple privilege erodes. It's an earned privilege. And I think I like that a lot more than the implicit demand for equity from couple privilege opponents.

s1m0n
(Russell)

How to Prioritize?

Prioritization is one of the most complex, tricky, sticky, fraught with danger, with potential to hurt feelings, sorts of things that people (me) seem to struggle with in poly. There are so many roles and people desiring or needing time and attention that it seldom feels as though everything is in optimal balance. By optimal balance, I mean that all sectors of my life are receiving what is necessary to be functioning well, including me!

One of the first thing to go is self-care. In my professional life, I see this fairly often, usually once someone has utterly exhausted all their resources. From the perspective of a completely drained person, it suddenly becomes obvious that caring for and giving to others is impossible if you have nothing left in your own tank. Therefore, the first thing that one must prioritize in any of their relationships or roles is attention to self. Sleep, exercise, good nutrition, and stress management are great places to start!

Once you have self attended to, what comes next? Is it work? Family? Relationships? Self-development above and beyond the basics of self-care? I don't know that I have hard and fast rules on this, but often work comes next, as the basics of food and shelter are quite fundamental. There are times where, based on a high level of need, I will defer a work opportunity for my child, or for a partner in crisis.

As I read through that last paragraph, I realize that I will also defer the occasional work opportunity for pleasure as well! The pleasure of time spent with a partner, in or out of bed, feeding that relationship is not to be overlooked as a necessity of life. Ultimately, what gives us the deepest rewards: avoidance of pain, or the pursuit of pleasure? Let's keep the kink angle out of this, because that can give some real overlap! ;)

Challenges can crop up when you simply don't have the available time, proximity, or perhaps even desire to spend energy when someone else desires it from you. This seems particularly tough with non-domestic partners. When living with someone, you can usually cram a quick "touch-bases" into the day, or have the comfort and satisfaction of sleeping next to them. When it takes committing to commute time and a different location to connect with a partner, that can get less easy and require some concerted effort, especially mixing kids and other partners into the equation.

JA, who S and I are both seeing, is going out of town for some time, and we've been trying to figure out ways to have couple time for each pairing, as well as triad time, before she leaves town. Due to illness, a couple date got bumped off the schedule, and now there are machinations in process to clear the house of the kiddo and other partner to allow a solo date for the one couple, then follow that with a triad date. And that's just the beginning!

So why are we all going through so much effort? Because there are things that we have each asked for, and decided to make a priority to benefit each other, and our group dynamic. Perhaps because some one's feelings might be hurt? Maybe they would feel excluded if spending time together didn't seem as important to the others in the relationship? Being able to help my partners find time and space to nourish their other relationships helps me feel useful. It's not totally altruistic, as I hope that they will find value in doing to same for me, but it's a move in a direction I hope to become totally congruent in over time: Your happiness is important to me, and I will make it a priority to help you in any way I can to reach your goals. What more can any of us ask for from our loves?