Giving Up Control To Get What You Want

Today, Camille and Gina were texting directly together.

Camille is going to a dentist appointment tomorrow.

The appointment will involve shots and drills and Novocain, and Camille may have needed to have a little extra support from me tomorrow night when she got back from her appointment. But it wasn't on the calendar. I wasn't planning to be with Camille.

Gina was quick to suggest a schedule shift to accommodate that need. She contacted Camille and checked in with me, and I adjusted the schedule so that I could see Camille tomorrow.

Maybe that doesn't sound all that remarkable to you but here's what I thought was cool about that: we all worked together to accommodate a need.

My partner reached out to my wife and asked for a special consideration and we all compromised. We all made it happen. And I had hardly anything to do with it.

About two months ago, this probably couldn't have happened. I needed to give up control.

Up to that point, I had been a communication filter between my wife, Gina, and my partner, Camille.

My relationship with Camille was getting bigger and Gina needed direct input into it. She needed a way to trust it more. And Camille needed to trust that Gina wasn't going to pull a nuclear option at some point and kill it. They needed to trust each other.

I was relaying concepts and ideas between them through me and neither of them were directly talking to each other with great regularity. That had to change. I needed to get out of the way.

When I got out of the way, both of them were able to talk more directly and openly about our relationship. A framework for trust was established between the two of them. Instead of each of them hearing something filtered through me, they were able to discuss problems and find remedies together.

Getting out of the way was hard for me, and to many guys, giving up control may seem somewhat counterintuitive. If you can't control the conversation or the narrative, how can you guarantee that you'd get what you want? How can you ensure that neither of these two people you love will be offended or hurt because of something was said ... or not said? How can you trust it? I wanted to control it. But this had to happen. I needed to step out of the way.

Looking back, giving up control has been the best thing that had to happen. I had to trust my wife to operate in my interests; I had to trust Camille to want to be a part of my life and negotiate for what she wanted directly with Gina; both of them had to trust each other. Giving up control has allowed the beginning of a pathway for everyone get what they want.

s1m0n
(Russell)

Rule Number 58

In excess of eight months this year, PF and I were dating a fantastic woman. We all had a lot in common and shared a lot of great times.

Towards the end of the relationship, though, she wanted more time that I wasn't able to give her because of my commitments to PF and my work. She wanted something more in her life - something that would endure, around more, and be forward-looking to marriage - and that's not something either one of us could offer. Eventually, she did what was good for her.

I really can't blame her. But that's not going to stop me from over-analyzing it with you.

So here's what I think. The problem for secondaries is neutral buoyancy. They exist in a place where there's probably going to be little forward momentum. This is also a place where asking for too much may be perceived as a "cowboy"-maneuver (you know, a chic coming in and roping herself a new man). If you're seeing a secondary having already a primary relationship, you've already made commitments that preclude the secondary from becoming mondo-awesome - more. That commitment's a known fact, and everybody's in agreement to honor that commitment as to avoid strife and confusion.

So that's a trick: how do you maintain the spark in a vacuum?

In my experience with this, I think I have to come down to the "risk of the single secondary". Yep, this is one of my new rules now. And here it is.

Rule 58: Secondaries should always have a primary of their own.

Ta-da! Why?

Because they're committed to that, too, and they, too, can only offer neutral buoyancy. They have somebody to keep them warm at night when I'm not around; somebody to look forward with; somebody that can look after them; somebody that helps keep them focused on the future.

Woe to those who violate Rule 58 because it's a treading lightly on water thing. The single secondary may want more. They're not otherwise distracted by another relationship or a job. They're pining away somewhere while they know - in their heart - that they're lonely, yet, all of your needs are being pleasantly fulfilled with your primary. That sucks. Yep. A real sticky wicket.

So Rule 58 will figure prominently in my next ride on the merry-go-round. I'm thinking that it's a good rule of thumb for everybody.

What do you think? Do you think secondaries just get the raw end of the emotional stick? If you're a secondary, how do you deal with neutral buoyancy?

s1m0n

Reflections

There's something that I'm wondering about: Do relationships that are connected to your own, either directly, or via a metamour or friend, "reflect" on each other? If one relationship is going well, does that impact those nearby, that aren't directly linked, positively? Does the inverse happen, when a rash of breakups or restructuring seems to sweep through a node of the larger community? If so, how can we be conscious of that trend to mitigate damage, and maximize happy outcomes?

It seems like this might be related to the support system that we cultivate within the poly community. If someone we know and care about it going through a challenging time, we're there to help, to lend a listening ear, to provide a shoulder to cry on, give advice, or whatever is needed. That energy then goes home with us, to our partner(s). What if we haven't taken the time to clean it up? All of a sudden, it gets easy to project what's happening to someone else onto our people.

That very sense of empathy that works in our favor when we're supporting another can lead us to see issues that might not exist within our own relationships, because we put ourselves into someone else's emotional shoes to be a good resource for them.

In the inverse, when our whole circle of acquaintance is healthy and strong, it is easier to feel optimistic and energized about what is going on within our own relationships, because we see positive examples modeled all around us. There is a "full cup" feeling that is apparent when our emotional surroundings are full of support and enthusiasm. This seems like something to cultivate!

Ironically, the very steps we take to support others through tough times, meant to help us all get to the "good stuff", can lead down a much different path, if sufficient conscious attention isn't focused on keeping "my stuff" separate from "their stuff" during difficult times. Have any of you experienced this phenomena? If so, what helped? What didn't?

Waiting

Polyfulcrum muses-

Within PG's circles, in particular, there are several relationships that are struggling, or terminally damaged. He's spending a good amount of time and energy supporting, listening, and just waiting for the dust to settle with others. Being a great example of a friend you'd want to have, he's right there, providing as much as is asked and some that isn't.

The thing is that, since we are so deeply entangled, it isn't just him. As much as it would be convenient to be able to unplug and avoid the feedback that happens when so much upheaval is stirring the nearby waters, it's pretty impossible. Moreover, it's not something I would want to do. And so, I too am waiting. Waiting for the wake to pass, waiting for happy to become a larger part of his extended network, waiting for him to feel full of life and optimism again.

This is possibly one of the parts of poly that I struggle the most with. It falls in with my Mama Bear syndrome, the part where I get protective of my loved ones. When they hurt, I hurt. Therefore, seemingly the best way to avoid hurt myself is to prevent my loved ones from being hurt, or the ones that they care about. As this is obviously impossible, I am left trying to be relaxed and calm, when I would really rather ask him to pull back from those connections to save himself (and me!) the drain that such hard transitions cause.

Obviously, we all try to be sensible when we choose who we date or befriend. There isn't an overwhelming urge to introduce drama into our lives. There are times where the crystal ball isn't working the way it should, and an outside relationship that previously seemed stable and predictable goes south in a hurry, and there you are as a part of the dynamic, albeit on the outside of the main fray.

What then? While there may be a certain amount of desire to allow the person who is hurting, in pain, or angry drift away, that isn't the way that we do things. No fair-weather friends here! So for now I'll keep waiting. Plugging into the system, paying it forward, knowing that there will come a time where I need more than I am giving, and hoping that someone will be there to give it.

Dating by Proxy

PG casually dates a lot more than either PF or I do; how he manages to find the time and personal organization puzzles me. Regardless, he always has a good story or two about lives outside of our little pod, and recently, one story in particular has my ear glued to the wall.

Her name is C and I was first introduced to her at our house party back in October. At the time she was new to poly and had that fresh naivity about poly that I remember when I was first introduced to it. It was cool to see that and be on the other side this time. She was curious, talkative, bright; young, beautiful... dressed in a lacy lingerie she purchased specifically for the party. In talking, I learned her and her husband had been exploring poly for six months. Throughout the night, I didn't see her play, and I didn't see her leave; I wouldn't see her again for another two months. She was charming.

During this time, she's been successful at poly - I understand there's a line to date this girl so I don't even try. So when PG gets an opportunity to see her, I'm intensely curious (the ears perk up) and I try to ask more, dig deeper, and figure out what's going on in her life... I always want to know more, maybe things he didn't even ask. I guess this is dating by proxy (or, at worse, stalking by proxy) because PG's doing all of the legwork and I'm just vamping off the experience. It's part curiousity, part attraction, part tactics (subconsciously I think I'm waiting for the "right" moment to ask her out), and part cowardace, even something that could probably be felt if PG was dating C in a mono relationship but that kind of curiosity carries a whole different perspective when you're poly.

s1m0n

polytripod.blogspot.com

Semantics

Polyfulcrum-

When one is polyamorous and has more than one person of importance in one's life, the issue of what to call everyone comes up. PG has a distinct dislike for hierarchical titles (primary, secondary, tertiary), so I've been trying to come up with alternates that fit well.

The fairly universal mulit-purpose term that is used is "partner". I've been using it myself for quite some time, but it honestly doesn't do it for me. Partner is either too much, too little, or just not right for the people I care for, never mind trying to describe S or PG's other connections!

How does one find words that fit, when the standard definitions don't? "Spouse" works for PG and I on some levels, but our current relationship is far expanded from what most people think of when the term spouse is used.

How about S? Do I call him my "Spice" (plural of spouse)? Nah, he doesn't want to experience anything related to matrimony as he's known it previously, and frankly, I don't care to have that association tacked to our relationship either!

And here we are back at partner again... Too formal and businesslike for my taste, and not evocative of the rich organic flavor that permeates my relationships.

Many poly folk I have talked to have dispensed entirely with trying to describe who anyone is to them, and just introduce the person. I invest in and enjoy my relationships deeply, so claiming that connection still feels important to me. But how?

"Girlfriend" and "boyfriend" are ridiculously juvenile. S and I tried out "paramour" for a while, but due to the utter lack of vocabulary in the populace at large, explaining what that meant to us got a bit old. It's a bit flashy as well.

For those of you reading, if you've developed a term(s) that work well for you in describing your relationships, please do let me know! I'm eager to move beyond "partner", and into the words that lie outside the box.

Poly chicken

PF-

Yes, I'm a big poly chicken! In the beginning stages of a relationship in particular, when S or PG is out with someone new, I am pretty wired at times. Not knowing how things will go, what the other person is like, if the existing structure of relationships will shift around with the new addition, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

So, what's a loving, non-controlling, yet a bit anxious poly partner to do? Well, I choose the path of most support and least resistance and try to set myself up with a date with another love! Ha! Take that nervous energy! Or, worst case scenario, I clean. Yeah, if you get back from a date and I'm ironing, this is a _bad_ sign...

I also ask for things like checking-in if the date looks to be going in a direction that wasn't anticipated in advance (like if instead of snuggling, it looks like condoms will be used, or out overnight instead of in for the evening), knowing a bit about the other person and their situation, what the plans are for the date, snuggling before and/or afterwards, and trying to get some intimacy time in to reconnect within a day or so.

I'm guessing that some would see those as control strategies, and I suppose they are. Self-control strategies. I wish I could say that I am totally relaxed and blase about new people, but that wouldn't be truthful. What I can say is that with a little time, consistency and repetition, that anxiety level goes way down, and I can do a much better job shoving my partners out the door to romp elsewhere. Cluck-cluck eventually leads to fuck-fuck. ;)