Don't tell me I need better boundaries....

One of the things we touch on pretty often in poly is "having good boundaries".  We all have things that work better for us as individuals, and a big part of beginning, and sustaining, a strong relationship, is sharing those with each other, and having that as an innate part of the relationship.  Sometimes, it seems as though people feel that just about anything is renegotiable, can change, will be okay moving forward, as long as we have good boundaries. It's becoming a pet peeve of mine. 

Boundaries are ideas we put into place to protect ourselves, and others, from being walked all over, or having our consent violated in some fashion. They are tools to create an environment where we aren't taking advantage of anyone, and they aren't taking advantage of us.  In my professional life, in parenting, in public spaces, I have a plethora of boundaries. When it comes to my personal life, the relationships I share with people I love, it would be my ideal to have minimal boundaries, not because boundaries are bad, but because they wouldn't be needed. 

I'm a pretty giving sort of person.  I enjoy being in relationships where I can be generous to others, consider their needs and wants along with my own.   If I find myself spending lots of time and energy holding boundaries in a relationship, that isn't being reciprocated.  It's being sucked dry.  It's settling for less that what I need in a given relationship to feel healthy and happy. It's putting up walls against intimacy over and over again to protect myself.

So, I'm working towards the radical ideal of reducing my boundaries by choosing to be in relationships and friendships only with those people who consider my happiness and health with their own.  Because, sometimes the answer isn't to get better boundaries, it's to be connected with happy, healthy, considerate people who grok that the happiness of each individual lends itself to the joyous expression of the whole within poly, and chooses to think and feel in a more expanded context than self. 

Reflections

There's something that I'm wondering about: Do relationships that are connected to your own, either directly, or via a metamour or friend, "reflect" on each other? If one relationship is going well, does that impact those nearby, that aren't directly linked, positively? Does the inverse happen, when a rash of breakups or restructuring seems to sweep through a node of the larger community? If so, how can we be conscious of that trend to mitigate damage, and maximize happy outcomes?

It seems like this might be related to the support system that we cultivate within the poly community. If someone we know and care about it going through a challenging time, we're there to help, to lend a listening ear, to provide a shoulder to cry on, give advice, or whatever is needed. That energy then goes home with us, to our partner(s). What if we haven't taken the time to clean it up? All of a sudden, it gets easy to project what's happening to someone else onto our people.

That very sense of empathy that works in our favor when we're supporting another can lead us to see issues that might not exist within our own relationships, because we put ourselves into someone else's emotional shoes to be a good resource for them.

In the inverse, when our whole circle of acquaintance is healthy and strong, it is easier to feel optimistic and energized about what is going on within our own relationships, because we see positive examples modeled all around us. There is a "full cup" feeling that is apparent when our emotional surroundings are full of support and enthusiasm. This seems like something to cultivate!

Ironically, the very steps we take to support others through tough times, meant to help us all get to the "good stuff", can lead down a much different path, if sufficient conscious attention isn't focused on keeping "my stuff" separate from "their stuff" during difficult times. Have any of you experienced this phenomena? If so, what helped? What didn't?

Specialness

While it may not be a real word, it's an idea that seems to be of concern in poly relationships. The idea being that, while you share your partner(s) with others, it still feels good to have a few things that are symbolic of the relationship that is between you, not inclusive of others.

Here's an example from our household: A couple years ago, I gave some cologne to PG that I REALLY like. A lot. In a way that makes me want to rip his clothes off and have my wicked way with him. It's also been discontinued. I've requested that he reserve that specific cologne for dates with me, because it's special, and in limited supply.

"Oh, but you're controlling your partner, and depriving someone else from enjoying that cologne on him." This is one of those cases where I think that's ridiculous. If I were saying that he couldn't wear any cologne with other people at all, perhaps so. It wouldn't be a deal-breaker- relationship-severing transgression if he decided to wear it elsewhere, but I would feel disappointed and hurt.

Let's take another example: S and I had a date that was extremely special and emotionally resonant early on in our relationship. We've agreed that the particular set of venues involved are ones that we will be keeping between the two of us, as a way to honor our bond and renew it on occasion. In the same fashion, I won't be taking S to the hotel that PG and I honeymooned at. At best, it would be tacky and in poor taste.

While prevailing opinion is split as to whether having things that are "special" enhance a bond, or create an artificial sense of exclusivity within poly relationships, it seems to me that it's just another way to acknowledge that each one of my partners is unique, each relationship is it's own entity, and there can be sacred space created within a larger poly structure that doesn't negatively impact the whole.

Symptom or cause?

When there is an issue going on within the circle of relationships, how do you differentiate between the issues being a symptom of something going on within the relationship(s) or a particular person being the cause of problems? There are many times where an outside connection can bring to light some patterns or weaknesses in the existing relationship(s), but when there is a pattern of issues being connected to a specific person, how does one make the distinction?


Perhaps it has nothing to do with the actual person, and more to do with a difference in style of polyamory, or in communication styles? If relationship expectations are different, why wouldn't there be consistent issues cropping up? Let's say there's an introvert dating an extrovert, well, there are some different types of language that might be needed to bridge that gap, perhaps even with a "translator" person at some points.

Prevailing opinion would lead one to believe that the secondary relationship isn't the problem, it's just the spotlight that brings those issues to the surface. I suppose from the context of "picker problems" this could be true. Even if the metamour in question is a bringer of drama, someone picked them as partner material. Shoot, show me the poly person that's never made a poor pick. As I suspected... ;)

When you've spent time and energy on a direct or indirect connection with someone, there is an investment in them. The desire to "make it work" is huge! So undoing "picker problems" is tough for all concerned. When I see people drifting from things they considered core to accommodate that, that's where a small difference can become a bigger issue.

Having strong personal boundaries is a good place to start. With poly, the difficulty can come where you implicitly trust one partner, but perhaps not the metamour on that same level. How do you maintain a boundary with the metamour without cutting yourself off from the fulcrum partner? I'm working on this diligently, so please bring on the insight!