Sunday, June 2, 2013
I wasn't ready. I didn't want to deal with it. I had too many other things going on. It wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I negotiated for. I didn't want to give up the "shiny" spot in his heart. I didn't want to have to stretch to accommodate another person in my life. I was a newlywed, still short of my first anniversary by several months. I wasn't ready.
Guess what? Life happens. Love happens. Sometimes, the timing just isn't ideal. It wasn't my choice to make, because Russell isn't my property. He decides for himself what he wants, and how he wants to spend his time, love, attention, and focus.
I haven't been neglected. Everyone has taken a great deal of effort to make sure that my voice is heard, that I have input, that I get to help steer. There have been great moments of love, sharing, intimacy, and joy. This is not a whine post. I'm not going to front with you though, it has been a mighty struggle at times, and there are certainly still challenges inherent in having people who want the same big things without being able to figure out fully how to get everyone everything they need at a given moment, much less all they want.
So, I felt some trepidation when their trip to celebrate the anniversary of their relationship rolled around last month. I still don't do particularly well with overnights apart, or separate trips, even if I recognize intellectually, consent to, and support, that it's an important piece of a close relationship.
Anniversaries are a thing for me, birthdays and holidays too. Add that level of importance to the usual challenges in being apart, overnight, while they're away, and I was pretty sure that this was going to be a "curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep" sort of gig.
What happened actually surprised me: I felt oddly comforted. I'd made it one round of the calendar. Things are still working. I am still loved. No one has abandoned me for greener pastures. I've done this in every season, and I'm still standing. WE are still standing.
The future is just variations on a theme. A theme that will continue to grow and change, but there's at least a path that has been walked chronologically once before together with this partner, this metamour. For some reason, it took some of the scare out of things for me.
I don't know what comes next. None of us do. But we made it through the first year, and that is something to be celebrated! Happy 1st Anniversary, Russell and Camille!