I just want to know.
I mean, I like to be told when a partner has sex with someone else: in a scene, with someone they recently met, or with another partner. I'd just like to be told about it. Kind of up-front and forthcoming.
I like to be told about it because it helps to remove a sensation of anxiety that I have about the unknown. The unknown is scarier! My imagination can twist a situation into something much larger than it was. In listening to vague or ambiguous descriptions of events from a partner, it may sound as if something actually happened - but I'm not exactly sure exactly what happened - so a direct (frank) description of the events really helps to quell the fear. Kind of like:
"Hey, so, at the party, I met up with Artie and we had a 45 minute scene. I was totally naked, there were nipple clamps and a couple of canes. I came five or seventy-two times. No kissing, no fondling, no oral, no penetration. There were snuggles. I left around midnight. I feel good about it and I had a great time!"
See the example? It pretty much describes the situation and puts my fears to bed. It's a summary and hits the important points: who, what, where, when, and how did they feel about it.
I'm not interested in details*. I don't want to pry. Certainly my partner(s) should be afforded a sense of privacy that they needn't report the specifics to me all the time. But being told about their sexual encounters (or even coffee dates!) helps keep anxiety at bay and indirectly describes who is becoming more important in their lives.
s1m0n
(Russell)
* Okay, this is a lie. I am so interested in details. Details concerning my partner having sex with somebody else is very, very hawt. I'd like to know pretty much the whole picture: was there kissing? Fondling? Spanking? Oral? Penetration of any kind? Twosomes? Threesomes? Moresomes? Screaming monkey sex from the ceiling, toys ... Sure. Tell me all about it. I love to hear about it and that is, in fact, very pervy, but it doesn't have to be pervy. It doesn't have to go overboard (unless, um, you're aiming for that...). It can be communicated plainly without it sounding like pillow talk.
5 comments:
Ok, I think in my relationships, the bare minimum that we have to exchange are game changers. New people to consider in the schedule. New or different obligations. However, just because we can, I do gossip with my partners about the sex I have. Along the lines and often more than the level of detail you put in your example.
I wouldn't be comfortable with that as a rule though. The reasons you stated initially about why you want and need that level of detail had me twitched. I wouldn't want my partner to routinely feel anxious if they didn't know what happened. I'd be happier about sharing that level of detail for their sexual gratification, solely for their sexual gratification, with the consent of other partners. I'd seek consent from regular partners anyway. Not one night stand types.
I think your reasons are the same as mine - so that I won't feel anxious about it. But yeah, I do mostly want details, though very occasionally, I don't, and I'll say so, that it would be TMI.
-sin
I'd be kind of worried if one of my partners was unusually curious with someone I was seeing regularly. This may suggest underlying insecurities in our poly relationship that requires attention. Usually they just want to know who it is and will I spend the night, etc.
This is cool!
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