Saturday, September 6, 2008

Depletion

This word has been coming up a lot over the past few months. For me, depletion has been apparent in my intolerance for having more people in our loop, in my desire to have that be the mindset my partners share with me, in the way I want to sleep, but then wake up early with the feeling that I need to "do something". I've seen it in my lack of consistency with exercise and not being as focused on wellness, for my body, mind or spirit. There has been such a HUGE amount of focus in getting to the point of being moved in and getting the new space set up, that now that I'm here, I really can feel the degree of depletion, and see it in my partners as well.

PG has been particularly affected by all that out-going energy, and I am hoping I do a better job of allowing him space and time to recharge his batteries and find a balance point in his own mind and heart. With that imbalance existing, it had been very deeply and profoundly having an impact on me as well, one that I didn't fully recognize in my hyperfocused state, not to mention our relationship. When my connection with him is off, I am off. We've been coupled for over 14 years now, so there's a lot of overlap in our emotional states that at times I don't fully see. I'm looking forward to the continuing creation of the bond that we share, perhaps being able to recognize and disable the pieces that are so deeply co-dependent, without sacrificing our ability to rely on each other.

S is swimming the waters of poly like the duck that he is (do they echo? ;)), and seems to be enjoying the new space, the routine that is being developed, and exploring his new connection with B. They've had several good dates so far, and the repoire is excellent. He's noticing the poly strength of being able to enjoy connections with people that you wouldn't necessarily be co-habiting partners with.

In the past, I've always been the one with all the outside options, and I'm sure I could manifest that if I wanted to again. At this point, I'm sort of the stay at home partner though, which is a pretty total change of pace for me. I'm not sure if that is fear of adding something that wouldn't fit in our current environment, just being totally full up for partner energy, or just feeling anti-social in general. I've sort of been riding the coat tails of S's new connection, and she's a really interesting and fun woman. Do we click personally? I'm trying to figure that out and decide if I should be there at all, or if I need to just hole up for a while, however long it takes for me to feel like I have something to bring to the table to someone else?

Polyfulcrum
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