In keeping with the habits of hobbits, I think I may be a bit of a "sex hobbit". Breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, etc, etc, etc. No, I am not claiming to be a sexual addict of any sort. I am quite capable of setting aside screaming orgasms to attend to work, parental duties, walk the dogs, clean house, or have regular conversation with people, but really, in the grand scheme of things, who would rather be scrubbing toilets when they could be enjoying the many flavors of loving available to them?
So many people try to separate sexuality from polyamory, as though it is dirty to be motivated by sexuality. Well, I think that's bunk! I really enjoy sexual activities, and integrating them with loving, connected relationships is where life is really lived well., in my opinion.
With that as my base, it was a bit surprising to notice that I was having a reluctance response to the idea of "really" having sex with some of my newer connections. As long as pelvic bits weren't contacting each other, I was in the clear, I wasn't really having a relationship with someone, we were just dating, and thinking about things. I wasn't responsible to them for much. At some point, it started to really feel a bit silly. Here we are, having deep intimate conversations, enjoying hot sexy interactions, many of them naked, doing things that most people would consider definitely sexual, but as long as no one strapped on a dildo, or put on a condom, it wasn't for real? What kind of sex-negative programming am I working with here?
Well, there's the whole slutty thing. Some part of me felt pretty righteous about the idea that, while I might be dating 6 people, I was only really having sex with two. Then there's the fear part, where I didn't/don't know if I can keep that many balls in the air at once, so why not take things slow, and see who sticks? Back to feeling silly. Maybe a bit controlling even. Why would I look to withhold myself sexually? To keep the upper hand? To stay safe? No one is trying to use me, or hurt me, or do anything but share pleasure and intimacy with me.
To cut myself a bit of slack, it's not like I've been turning down sexual requests, more like everyone is just being very organic and relaxed about the pacing on things, and I haven't been driving it. Perhaps that's part of it: I'm used to being the "Giver of Permission" on when to have sex, and since no one is asking for immediate advancement to that level, and I haven't been pushing it either, it's feeling a bit rudderless. So, being the sexual hobbit that I am,, and apparently a bit of a control freak, I have put requests on line to take things to that space. To be more truthful, I have plans to do that, have already crossed a Rubicon or two, and the world hasn't fallen apart, and no one's been popping up from the hedges with a sign that says what a huge slut I am.
So, I shall continue forward, embracing my hungers, diverse and voracious as they are, and knowing that it won't be the end of the world if I misstep. I can count on those I share my life with to take care of themselves, and can enjoy the full range of connections available to me.