Sunday, February 28, 2010

Cravings


It's been a very busy couple of months, with the culmination of several proto-connections and friendships moving more into relationship territory. At latest count, I am currently dating 6 people, and I'm not quite sure exactly how that happened, except that it all seemed a very good idea at the time! ;) This is approximately double my most ambitious dating pool to date, so uncharted territory.

While things are going pretty smoothly, I find that there is a particular thing that, while I was aware of it previously, is becoming even more obvious: I have specific desires to spend time with people, unique to the individuals, regardless of whatever additional social richness I may be experiencing.

This past week, PG wasn't feeling particularly well, and was a bit less accessible than usual. This coincided with S being VERY busy with work, to the exclusion of most everything and everyone. While I had some really wonderful opportunities to connect with others of emotional import in my life, I still found myself missing PG and S, despite seeing them blow through the shared space on a semi-regular basis.

It's like when you have a particular desire for a specific food item. You can eat other things, and they can taste good (and I am talking REALLY GOOD here!), but it still doesn't seem to dissipate the craving for the original item of desire. I really like what I have going at home, and as fun and exciting as the NRE and explorations with others are, I still deeply desire those mainstay connections in my life.

Once you've gone into the place of looking at people as roles that they can fill in your life, it's easy to start to extend those expectations we've been talking about onto them, to try to fit them into the box that would be most convenient. For example, the connection with Z and T, which started as me presenting myself to them as an interested unicorn, has shifted to accommodate the individuals and personalities involved, and is a more fluid thing that involves Z's child and ours connecting on a friendship level. D recently moved out of the "friend box" and into a more open zone that isn't nearly as solidly defined, and is more emotionally open. JA, who is dating S and I both, was someone that I considered a "near miss" on relationship territory, until her interest in S brought her back into closer orbit again, close enough to grow a more solid connection between all concerned .


Sometimes, we talk about the idea of poly being useful in exploring dynamics that don't fit into existing relationships, being able to meet needs that aren't being addressed in a current connection. At some point, that can begin to look as though you are treating people as cogs in your "Relationship Needs" listing. "I have a spot open for one more bisexual female lover!" instead of, "Wow, I really connect well with this person, and am interested in finding them a unique space in my life.".


So, I crave my individual partners, even when there's so much going on that it makes my head spin, and I want to keep that recognition of what each person is bringing to the table, and how I enjoy spending time and emotion with them. I want to continue to be cognizant of the deep and profound ways that PG and S, in particular, are important to me, because the role of the domestic partner isn't always the flashiest, coolest, or most fun, but that doesn't diminish the impact in the least.
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