Saturday, November 28, 2009

Half Year of Shifting

Wow. So... it's been a long time since I've posted to this blog. Miss me? :)

I haven't been in a poly-philosophical place lately and continue to not be there. But I thought the readership would appreciate a glimpse into the background of what's going on in our household -- or at least for me anyway.

The following significant events have happened around me in the last six months:

* The woman who was my Heart Keeper relationship had her husband move out after their divorce finalized.

* A few weeks later, I lost my fluid-bond status with my Heart Keeper. She got into a relationship with a guy that PF and S were nervous about and that flared drama a couple months earlier.

* I went on a week's vacation during the 4th of July week with our poly family and it felt uncomfortable. I began the process of re-thinking a lot of things in my life.

* My Heart Keeper's relationship with new guy deepened even further as he assumed a more central role in her life as her fluid-bonded partner. I felt pushed more to the periphery. When I asked for equal time, it was firmly, instantly denied.

* Made the difficult decision to transition my Heart Keeper relationship from Lovers to Friends -- in the hope that we might be able to salvage emotional intimacy even if we had less physical intimacy.

* Continued my thought process about how uncomfortable I've been in this cohabiting poly situation. PF and I went through couples counseling for a few sessions and then decided to separate at the end of August.

* As a part of my life re-evaluation, I sought closure about my biological father. He was an abusive alcoholic and even though my mom left with me when I was 3 years old, his absence was a significant factor in my life. So, I created a ceremony to give voice to those feelings as well as symbolically bond with what elements of him I could.

* Two weeks ago I finally accepted the fact that my Heart Keeper relationship was really over. Our transition to friends just did not feel good to me at all. Although the intent was to forge a comfortable closeness, I felt even less important to her than ever. I said goodbye to her ex-husband, children and her. The toughest Sunday I've had in a long time -- ripping four people out of my life. I loved them all in different ways.

* Almost a week ago, my oldest half-sister on my father's side died. Reminding me how little time remains for me to develop connections with my siblings on my father's side. We only re-connected 10 years ago.


So, here I am now. Today. Writing the first blog post I've written here in a long time. Still consider myself poly, but seriously doubting that I want to have this flavor of cohabiting polyamory. I feel a bit of an outcast for having those thoughts. After all, it feels like when you become polyamorous you sign a virtual contract to make it work no matter what. Once people have formed poly relationships, the footprint grows and changing course becomes more difficult. Once you add in more financial ties like shared expenses and housing, that footprint can feel like a suffocating snarl of responsibilities.

Where am I with my marriage? Well, we've actually had some good, connective discussions in the last week. So, things look more positive than they have in months. But things are still complicated. Both my wife and I have done things that have violated our trust in each other. And I'm still smarting from the hammer fall of a lot of recent pain.

I also don't want to slip down the destructive trail of demonizing my fellow housemates. They're both good people, doing the best they can.


livingtotears said...

yes, you've been missed!

that's a lot of emotion, change, shifting, for all concerned.

wishing each of you peace, healing, wisdom, a healthy balance of staying true to yourselves while also caring about each other, and glimpses of happyness wherever you each can find or make it along your journeys.

sending hugs to all...

Anita Wagner Illig said...

Lordy, what a lot you and yours have been through this year!

I've known a few poly people who believed they had a higher-than-usual imperative to make their poly life and loves work, but as the saying goes, man plots and the gods laugh. Don't be too hard on yourself. A lot of poly people learn what is right for them in just such a fashion. And hopefully you will come to see the people in question and your time with them to be the life-enriching gift that it was, no matter how long the relationships lasted.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've been going through. And that your family is going through.

Your input has been missed.

I wish all the best for you and the others.

Christy said...

"I greet you from the other side
Of sorrow and despair
With a love so vast and shattered
It will reach you everywhere ..." Leonard Cohen, "Heart With No Companion"

This lifestyle certainly is difficult sometimes. Grieve your loss, and take time to sift thru your feelings. I went thru a very painful betrayal from my husband earlier in the year.

It was the best thing that ever happened to us. We are closer than ever.

Best wishes as you sort thru conflicting emotions.