Friday, August 14, 2009

Sex and polyamory


The poly discussion group that we host was earlier this week. The topic of discussion was sex and polyamory. There was a lot of interest, big group here, and then we started talking. Guess what? While there is usually a bit of effort on my part to keep the discussion focused on the topic at hand, this month, it was much more challenging! Few people in the room seemed to be comfortable talking about sex directly. Those that were really were, but there was a distinct reluctance to stay on topic, when the topic was sex.


This was fascinating to me. Maybe I was just having an off night facilitating? Perhaps to some degree, but not to the extent that this seemed to be happening. What I was starting to feel about half way through the discussion was that poly people seem to be MUCH more comfortable talking about their relationship dramas, "...and then my metamour pulled my still-beating heart from my chest, turned it into pulp with their bare hands, and laughed maniacally as they ran off into the sunset with MY partner!", and their feelings, "This sense of gratitude that I was experiencing as my partners took turns nursing me through (insert horrible illness here) was amazing!", than their sex lives.


Well sure, that's personal stuff, right? Or is it maybe that, as a group, we're still stuck in a lot of the puritanical tripe that we were brought up with? Maybe, if we talk about enjoying casual sex, group sex, lots of sex, bi/gay/straight sex, kinky sex, we may be lumped in with swingers, and we are NOT swingers! We aren't sluts either. We're better than that. We're into this for the emotions and connections. But what's wrong with sex (however you define THAT term!) being a part of the equation?


Put my money where my mouth is. Here we go! I like sex. A lot. I like many kinds of sex. I like it with women, with men, sometimes more than one of each simultaneously. Toys are fun. I masturbate pretty regularly in addition to all the sex I do have. Sex doesn't detract from my emotional bonds with others, it facilitates it. The more I have, the more I want. It's the ultimate positive feedback system!


Between having a minister for a parent, and having been sexually assaulted as a child, I have needed to work very hard to reclaim my sexual birthright. I refuse to feel shame as I scream my pleasure to the heavens. Repeatedly. I would encourage those within the poly community to also embrace sex-positive thinking. Society pushes many agendas on us that we seek to overcome. Allowing the devaluing of sex, the hiding and secrecy about it, to pervade this community does us no favors.


Embrace sex.




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