Sunday, May 3, 2009

Ten Reasons Why Polyamory Works for Me


A brief treatment on ten reasons why polyamory works for me.

1. I'm a workaholic. 

Anyone who knows me would probably say work is my passion and it's difficult to distinguish between when I'm working, playing, or just hanging out. I run my own business, I teach, and I'm just immersed in what I do, so I don't have a tremendous amount of time. Polyamory allows me to, well, timeshare, so that my partner's needs are met and she doesn't feel otherwise totally neglected. I enjoy that kind of flexibility and, I would imagine, so would anyone else with a similar preoccupation or passion - that they don't need to devote themselves to either career or relationships but can balance the needs between them.

2. I'm an extroverted and flirty person.

No, really: I am. I like being the center of attention and I like hanging out with women so I naturally gravitate to polyamory. There's almost a license to flirt in this lifestyle. I can't imagine going to a casual social event with a monogamous wife and then chatting up or just friendly-frisking another woman... I mean, I dared touch fire thus she'd chain me to a rock and my liver would be torn from my body and fed to the vultures. Luckily, not only does PolyFulcrum let me touch fire, she _hands_ me the fire. She says, "Here, juggle the fire", "Play with the fire", "Burn with the fire". That kind of encouragement is extraordinary and really represents an insight into my personality and a permissiveness that only comes with total confidence in our relationship. That's pretty cool.

3. I'm convinced that not one person can satisfy all needs.

I've been down the serial monogamy road and I've married and I've cheated a couple of times. It was always that game of hiding your feelings or concealing your true nature to avoid scandal and disappointment. Cheating, by its sheer connotation, defies our base nature: we're not naturally monogamous but are culturally conditioned for monogamy. If we're to believe that one person satisfies all needs, then we presume that our needs are fixed in time and we never evolve or grow as a person. That's shameful. What's worse if we try to deny it, or, hide that base nature to present a face of moral self-righteousness to others. I openly admit to my base nature - I think that's brave; I think the cowardly conceal their true selves behind curtain of religion, social norms, and monogamy to spin perception. They lie - boldly - to themselves and others, and I think the hidden truth of their own proclivities eats them... painfully.     

4. I'm community-oriented.

I feel more at home when I'm surrounded my others that I know; not in crowds, mind you, but with friends and people that I can trust. I like participating in events and cooking for others. I like having 30+ people in my house talking, engaging, and laughing, and being who they are without compromise. I like discussions, challenges to thoughts and perceptions, open debate on what really matters. I am very motivated my people around me and I'm inspired by the daily heroism of my friends that would otherwise go unnoticed by media. My interconnections are meaningful to me.

5. I'm a critical thinker.

I've always questioned assumption and the mondo-awesome big ones surround the nature of thought itself: how society has shaped perception and values. I'm sooo into questioning authority and I really have enjoyed how polyamory has allowed me to step outside of the box and evaluate my socially-engineered preconceptions. I feel polyamory has liberated my thought to a new level - that I can transcend (mentally) above what is "expected" or "required" and critically examine, "What is right for me" or "What is right for them" without judgment or opinion. Polyamory allows me to perceive life more critically, more objectively, than I would ever had imagined. 

6. I like to push my boundaries.

I like to question authority and I like to question myself. There is a natural sense of unease when attending a 200+ person event and everyone is getting naked for sex and masturbation, whereas there's an equal queasiness when sitting down with your partner alone to talk about your feelings. I love - just love! - feeling that sensation, the twinge of something sour in your gut with anxiety and fear making your heart pump faster, and you hear that ringing in your ears, and you're flushed, and you're excited, fighting back the response to run away. I love feeling that, controlling it, and containing it. It directly applies to my love life and my ability to tolerate change in my career/workplace. Polyamory provides a training ground for testing yourself and training for important tasks yet to do in your life.

7. I'm into sci-fi, role-playing, and I'm a geek.

I always have been although one of my ex-wives tried to convince me that there were undesirable qualities in these passions, and I tried to change myself from my base nature. It's taken some doing for me to come "back" into these passions and try to find a good place for them now, but these things are at my core nature. I guess my central set of friends (PolyGestalt being one of them) had always known that. Meanwhile, like I mentioned earlier, these things are really prevalent in the poly community - it just seems like a natural fit! I can't deny who I am, Captain! And I don't have to ... not anymore!

8. I trust my friends and like reinforcing friendships.

My best friends are lovers. They always have been and why should that stop simply because I fell in love with someone? I appreciate the way that polyamory looks at friendship and sexuality as simply an extension and not a race to a finish-line like traditional relationship systems.  It's not about "bases" and "scoring" when it comes to polyamory. I really appreciate the long-term approach without assumption or precondition or expectations.

9. I enjoy to create relationships on my own terms.

I do like the idea of being able to create the idea of a "relationship" in my own terms and my own sense of expression, and that I don't need to follow a mold. When I can refer to my girlfriend's husband's girlfriend in a sentence, this is somehow liberating for me. I can look at people through a lens of relationships instead of a lens of ownership - who is owned by whom - which seems blatantly diminishing of the person. I see people for who they really are and not within the context of their manufactured legal and social presentation. 

10. The parties rock.

Truly, I have so been to the wrong parties in my life. I've been hanging out with the wrong crowd. These poly people... they host the right parties. People talk, flirt, relate openly through touch, critically analyze problems and talk about them, and often get naked, hit themselves with leather implements, and enjoy each other's company in a very natural and very exciting way - sure does put a spin on Saturday evening options. "Hey hun: dinner and a movie, or, dinner, snuggle, and play with James, Jennie, Jackie, and Jake?" Forget the mega pixels: polyamory is living in high definition, baby, yeah! 

s1m0n 

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