tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post5106436159667216434..comments2024-03-28T02:02:33.131-07:00Comments on Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: Ten Reasons Why Polyamory Works for MeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-49386154849937467292009-05-10T01:16:00.000-07:002009-05-10T01:16:00.000-07:00YES!!! what you said PF ~ it's not about sex, or w...YES!!! what you said PF ~ it's not about sex, or what my partner isn't giving me. even without being as much of a "touch" person as you might be, for me, it also IS about having the freedom to give and receive fully. <br /><br />my husband's ideas of friend connections DOES fit well with my own, so that aspect of evolving from monogamy to non-monogamy was easy. i have had many more male friends in my life than female friends and i've usually remained friends with old boyfriends. it wouldn't have even occurred to me to ask a potential partner if my male friendships would be a problem. the question was beyond what i'd imagine... beyond what i'd consider necessary or reasonable to ask, even if i had happened to think of the question ~ which i didn't. for me, it's an "is" thing that friendships are about just that ~ the friend part; not the body parts that determine gender. i'd no more have asked a boyfriend if he'd expect me to end my male friendships than i'd have asked if he'd expect me to stop eating salad, stop loving the skies, stop breathing.<br /><br />considering each of my boyfriends developed from friendship first, i'd have been shocked and appalled if our relationship turned the corner from platonic friends to romantic friends/loves and he then expected me to suddenly dump my male friends ~ many of which had been around, hanging out with us, or at least being people i talked about fondly during the course of growing my new romantic relationship. it's such a natural part of who i am that i wouldn't even think to check or screen to see if male friendships would be "ok" with a new love. even if i'd thought about that, i don't believe it's someone's permission or approval to give me. i already have my own permission and approval about that and that's all i need. if a new love expected to limit my friendships, well... we'd both be shocked. if my male friendships don't work for my new love, i'd be choosing my friends, not the new love. <br /><br />perhaps my style has been overt enough that i've only attracted people who fit well with my views about friendship. and/or maybe i've been naive, lucky, blind, or sheltered, but i have not had first hand experience with anyone asking for or putting gender restrictions on friendships of mine, or on their other loves or spouses, *except* in rare cases where it seemed like actual cases of abuse. in general life, i've known people who've conveyed some jealousy of opposite-gender friendships their loves or spouses had, but they worked through the jealousy and did not ask for or implement limits on a love's friendships. <br /><br />i've mostly thought that the concept of spouse's limiting each other's friendships is a myth about monogamy, the opposite direction, but similar to the myth that being polyamorous means you're open to having sex with anyone. myth or common issue though.....yes. my husband's views connect very well with my views about friendship. very thankfully, gratefully, luckily. that was the easiest aspect of our shift to non-monogamy, it was a non-issue. whew!livingtotearsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-89130371237300428432009-05-07T08:14:00.000-07:002009-05-07T08:14:00.000-07:00It sounds like you've been blessed with a partner ...It sounds like you've been blessed with a partner that dovetails your ideas of connection with friends well! Was that one of the smoother bits of transition when you decided to become poly?<br /><br />It seems like many couples put limitations on who their significant others can be friends with. "You can be friends with any women you'd like, but guys make me nervous."<br /><br />PG and I were together in a mono sense for years before opening things up, and that was fine and good to have the time to fully stabilize the relationship. For that matter, S and I were friends for over a decade before we so much as kissed or snuggled. Obviously, it's doable.<br /><br />The question is: Are there some things that are being missed because of those limitations on friendships? For me, touch is a central part of who I am, so that's a yes. I hadn't realized how much of my personality I'd walled away to try and fit myself into the box of monogamy until I got to stretch a bit. <br /><br />Putting boundaries around who and how we can touch DOES limit the ways we interact with others. Taking that limitation away doesn't necessarily change anything but the possibilities in a given connection. <br /><br />I still have platonic friends, but they are platonic by choice, not because I am someone else's inviolate territory.<br /><br />It's not about the sex, it's not about something your partner isn't giving you. It's about having the freedom to give fully of self, and receive on that level as well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-66810681508041852852009-05-06T22:12:00.000-07:002009-05-06T22:12:00.000-07:00i've been thinking a lot lately about the concept ...i've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of connecting polyamory to the premise that one person cannot meet all my needs. <br /><br />i'd been monogamous for most of my life, and never had a monogamous partner expect that he'd meet all my needs or be everything to me, or expect me to meet all of his. <br /><br />i've never felt limited in developing friendships. it was always clear that i had areas of overlapping interests and activities with the person i was in love with, and also had some of the same and some different areas of interests and activities with friends. platonic friends.<br /><br />my monogamy never prevented that, and never had problems come up around that. clearly, that's just my experience, but i haven't actually had monogamous friends whose partners expected or wanted no other friendships to exist. (i hear that can happen, but luckily, i haven't bumped into that view in real life.)<br /><br />so for me, monogamy never was a case of anyone thinking we'd meet all of each other's needs. we already knew we didn't, wouldn't, and we both believed that no one person ever could meet all of anyone else's needs.<br /><br />lacking the expectation that we'd meet all of each other's needs, it was hard for me to clarify why i wanted to renegotiate from monogamy to non-monogamy. i *already* had other close friendships, with deep emotional connection (i'd never limit my emotions; only my behavior). i *already* had a situation of mutual acceptance and support of either of us developing close friendships with people we might want to have in our life, throughout our life.<br /><br />with those realities, the re-negotiation for me seemed like the only aspect that i was asking to change was sex ~ wishing for the ability and permissions/support to have sex with someone else. it seemed to be all about sex, and yet to me, it didn't *feel* like it was all about sex.<br /><br />it's still hard for me to explain how it could be all about sex and so *not* about sex. <br /><br />more about not wishing for either of us to limit where a friendship with others could go. coincidentally or not, "sex" was the only limit we'd set, by default... by common perception of marriage meaning sexual exclusivity. so in removing friendship limits, sex was the area that changed, even though it wasn't all about sex. and that's so hard to convey well.<br /><br />anyway... i'm not sure how prevalent the perception is that monogamy inherently includes an expectation that partners will meet all of each other's needs. i'd like to think that my experience of monogamy "allowing" and supporting outside friendships to meet diverse needs isn't unusual.<br /><br />i suppose i could do a survey....livingtotearsnoreply@blogger.com