Thank you so much to those of you that have gifted us with your supportive words and thoughts! It's one of those times that I just want to get to the other side of, but at the same point, I am seeing a lot of growth in my partner, and that is fantastic!
Yesterday was our anniversary. I started the day crying over processing things that we got into in counseling the day before, and ended the day laughing and feeling close, sharing things together that felt intimate and important, with compassion and caring after having a full house at the discussion group. All in all, I'll take it.
Today is PG's birthday, and I'm going to try to remember that this really isn't about me, it's about him. To love and laugh, to touch and be open. Being open while things are in flux is tough for me, but it's the type of courage I want to develop, staying open when the first impulse is to shut down and protect self. I know people that have successfully navigated these waters, so I know it can be done.
One of the things that has become apparent as we're going through this process is that the relationship that we share has changed quite a bit since we began this journey 15 years ago. Amazing, isn't it? ;) One way or another, this time next year we'll be in new territory. Something pretty entirely different can be scary, even if it's not a whole lot of functional difference, but more of a mental/emotional shift.
I've always been appreciative of my spouse, but now, even as I struggle with the changing landscape, I find myself deeply proud that he is taking the initiative to work his ass off and find congruency between what his head says and what his heart says, to find out who he is, authentically, and to pursue his dreams wherever they lead him. Bring it!
1 comment:
this part of your writing really resonates for me:
" find myself deeply proud that he is taking the initiative to work his ass off and find congruency between what his head says and what his heart says, to find out who he is, authentically, and to pursue his dreams wherever they lead him."
for us... my husband and i committed to a lifetime of supporting each other's dreams and supporting each other's pursuit of happy-ness. even if our happy-nesses grow in different directions that make "us" not feasible as we are now.
i did commit my lifetime, and i intend to keep that commitment. yet the configuration of my being-there-for-him might look different (best friends, not married, living separately...?) if our paths diverge in ways where mutually happy compromise isn't feasible.
we want, intend, and will work our butts off to find ways for our individual happy-ness to enable us to also remain happily married to each other throughout our lifetimes. but support of happy-ness and dreams is the priority.
scary sometimes. but precious to us. in a sense, every day is new decision to remain married. and in a sense, every day is an anniversary. waking up, smiling, and thinking wow.... i *so* love you! and look! in growing as individuals, and in pursuing our individual and combined happy-nesses, we are *still* able to be on a shared path! yay-ness!
so your words smiled me.
wishing happy-ness to each of you wherever your dreams lead. and happy late birthday polygestalt!
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