Traveling While Poly - Part 1

In March, Regina, Camille, and I were able to take two weekend-long trips to Lincoln City, Oregon and Camp Sherman, Oregon. What follows is just an informal reflection on what made the trips work, what some of our strategies were, and our general experiences. This got so long that I've decided to break it into parts.

 

Regina and Camille, posing in front
of an electric car charging station
in Lincoln City, Oregon ...

Early Sunday morning, the sun peaked over the treetops in Camp Sherman and light cascaded through a rustic cabin window, gently illuminating the room. Saturday had been a day for hiking and my legs and back were sore. I stretched out as much as I could but it was difficult with the three of us in the queen-sized bed.

My wife, Regina, turned towards me to snuggle, and she wrapped her arm across my chest and across Camille's arm, my partner, who was already there, both embracing me in the center. Gina's red hair in my left eye; Camille's black curls in my right. I squeezed both them close and could feel them breathe, and sigh - all were at rest and happy.

It was the last day of March, the end of our vacation, and I couldn't be happier.

Russell, Camille, and Regina on the
hiking trail at Camp Sherman ...

When we sleep together, I'll often be sandwiched between the two and I'll alternate spooning or holding them through the night. Shifting between them has become a conscious habit. I'll show one some attention for an hour and show another some attention later in the evening, and move back and forth through the night. Every now and again, we'll alternate depending on the mood or energy with somebody else in the center; sometimes one of us will need more emotional support than the others. And sometimes I'd get up to go to the restroom only to find them snuggled up with one other ... that's when I take up a bookend.

When Traveling While Poly, alternating attention is the first concept that I'd want to explore. I think it's important for me to enjoy the time with both of my partners in a shared space that all of us enjoy, but also for me to share the travel experience with them individually - that there are experiences unique to each of my partners. As for myself, I try to remember that this is a trip:

• We're all enjoying individually;
• My wife and I are enjoying;
• My girlfriend and I are enjoying;
• My wife and my girlfriend are enjoying together;
• We're all enjoying together.

Regina and Camille inspecting tide
pools at a beach near Newport, OR ...

In my thinking, there's a difference between more shared space vs. private space. Shared space are events and times where we're actively doing things together and cultivating a shared experience. It's time we're all spending together. And in my thinking, there's also a time for private space. This would be whether any of us need to step away from the group for a while and be alone and independent, or, any of the dyads (Camille and I, Regina and I, or Camille and Regina) get some one-on-one time alone ... maybe for a walk, a cuddle, or just sitting on the porch together.


This is a conversation that expands a bit on my Playing the Fulcrum blog post from last year, but for me, I operate as a fulcrum while traveling, and it's important for me to be aware of how long that I spend showing attention to one partner or another.

• When driving, I'll move my hand every so often between the two of them; 
• When sitting together, I'll try to sit in a spot where I can reach them both;
• When hiking or touring, I'll spend time to walk with each of them separately, and alternate between them;
• If sleeping together, I'll try to alternate attention between both of them, and get out of the way when they want to snuggle;
• When shopping, we often shop as a group but will splinter in attention and conversation into separate dyads;
• In movies, I try to sit between them and hold them both;
• When finding downtime, trying to find some exclusive time with each of my partners is a good idea; I also try to extend time to both of them to spend time without me if it's desired.

My attention towards my partners shouldn't be interpreted as over-sexualized or aggressive attention but rather loving, affectionate, accepting attention. I'm holding their hands or knees; hugging them; kissing them; wrapping my arm around them. I would think that overtly-sexual attention could be emotionally charged so I don't attempt to push those feelings unless we're in a shared sexual space. I want to enjoy their company - both as individual partners, and, as a group.

I'm also conscious of public consent when giving attention. In public, bystanders could be exposed to my polyamorous lifestyle, and especially while traveling, because there's plenty of opportunities for kids to see us. Let me be clear: there's no shame for me here, but if there's a possibility where young kids could see all three of us kissing or holding hands, I'd rather spare their parents an awkward conversation and try to appear in public as friends.

Regina and Camille unpack a lunch
at a park along the way to Camp
Sherman ... 

One of the take-aways from this round of trips was to actually schedule one-on-one time with each of my partners. Intentional scheduled time didn't happen. Instead, one-on-one private time came around somewhat sporadically.

In our pre-planning for the trip, we talked about a way for each of us to call for private time, but it came a little late. After thinking back on the trip, think it's valuable to have something to look forward to and to set up expectations. Next time, I'd like to mutually schedule what those times would be with each of my partners.

Trips are great but sharing time and attention together is especially important while traveling because nerves are on end and patience can be worn a little thin. We're around each other 100-percent of the time. Too much or too little affection could be misinterpreted by any of us, causing an unanticipated flair-up of emotions. It's an effort to work through these kinds of issues together and find common ground to make the whole trip fun and worthwhile.

What are some of the techniques and strategies your pod's used while traveling to maintain space and balanced attention?

s1m0n
(Russell)

Poly 101: Equality and Equity

Lately, I've been writing some 101 articles for the blog; you can find them using the poly101 label on the site. In this article, I'm addressing a key idea behind polyamorous relationships.

Okay, now, who here believes that life ... is fair?

That's right: fair.

Balanced? Equitable? Egalitarian? Proportionate? Equal?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Like you, I learned somewhere in my teens that life wasn't fair and I adjusted my expectations accordingly. And this is why I'm amused by folks new to Polyamory who come seeking a relationship model that guarantees fairness, and frankly, why I'm even more amused by experienced polypeeps who insist Polyamory is a path to Great Equalization.

Consider the following epic snippets of dramatic dialogue:

"Okay, you can date her because I've got this guy. I'm comfortable with that. It's fair." Hardly. You can't green-light your partner for acquiring another partner only when you've got somebody else to keep you preoccupied. Your fear and insecurity can't become the basis for partner's romantic life.

"You have three extra partners and I have none. That's not fair." Polyamory isn't an excuse to keep a scorecard. One, three, six, or nineteen: just because your wife has lined up more fulfilling extramarital relationships than you isn't really relevant. What's more relevant is how she's meeting your needs.

"I'm in another relationship. You should go out and get another partner, too, just to balance it out." Certainly nobody would use Polyamory as an excuse to distract a principal partner so they can selfishly have more time with a new-shiny? What, no one? Hopefully not. That would be a Red Herring -  avoiding responsibility and accountability towards your existing partners, and that would be bad.

"You slept over with her two nights last week. I should get at least two this week!", or, "You were out four nights last week and I was only out two. That's not fair." Ahh Lex Talionis: eye for eye, tooth for tooth, and very soon, everyone ends up blind and needing dentures. It's nearly impossible to attend to all partners equally and at all times. Sometimes, one person may be in a deficit of time while others ride a surplus; at other times, special occasions, emergencies, the crisis du jour may demand unbalanced time and attention. Counting, I'm afraid, is pointless. Instead, should you mistrust your partner's judgement or feel in a chronic deficit of attention, now's the time to have a very direct conversation about what you need most of the time.

"I've got room for a third partner in my life, but you don't." Sorry, you are not Supreme Cobra Commander. You don't get to make a final judgement on your partner's capacity or capability. Of course, you are entitled to an opinion and might - in fact - express your concern over acquiring more mouths to feed, but you don't get to limit your partner's entanglements because of your sole judgement.

"She always gets laid at play parties. She gets all the attention. I never get laid. I hate going to parties. So I'm not going." Awww. Suck it up, buttercup. Women almost always get more action at parties. They usually have more opportunities for dating, too. It's called supply and demand. Better to consider what you're doing (or not doing) at these parties.

"You see me all the time - we live together. She only gets to see me eight hours in a week!" I've even seen some analytical types go so far as to add up the hours they spend sleeping, eating, engaged in family activities, etc., and then present a spreadsheet of their findings to their partner. You know, you may have committed to bigger things with your primary partner like shared financial obligations, kids, family, chores, cooking and cleaning, laundry, household projects, work. You're not really allowed to skirt your responsibilities - some core commitments you've made to a primary domestic partner - just because your spreadsheet doesn't total up. Sorry, Charlie.

"You live with her - she gets to see you all the time and I only see you eight hours a week!" Consequently, the secondary doesn't get to redefine those obligations and thereby command more time, or, demand a re-alignment of those priorities. The secondary is contending for time and energy already committed to a primary relationship. That should be clearly understood going into the relationship. Many compromises might need to be made on everyone's calendar in order to negotiate for more time.

Polyamory isn't fair.  It's not really about equity or fairness anyway. At times, it'll feel extraordinarily unbalanced.

• There will be moments when you're at your lowest of lows while your partner is riding the euphoric high of NRE; 
• There will be times where you sleep alone and feel lonely; 
• There will be times where your husband is getting more sex than you are :)
• There will be times when flirty attention is lavished upon your wife;
• There will be times where your dates are cancelled for family emergencies; 
• There will be times when your partner has a bigger dating pool than you;
• There will be times where a life event demands more attention be poured into another relationship; 
• There will be nights where you're getting all the attention and your partner languishes;
• There will be times where everyone in a network musters up all of their resources, drop what they're doing, and converge on a single metamour, to simply help them in a moment of crisis. 

Ultimately, fairness and equity are ideals that justify controls, rules, and constraints. The big hurdle is trust. Once everyone within a network realizes that they're not struggling individually for more control but learn to yield control for the benefit of all in the network - in hopes that consideration could be shown to them some day. We trust our partners. We trust that they would make decisions in our best interest. Thus you don't have to ask for what you want or protect it ... it's given, freely. In Polyamory, we're all in this together. It's through honest negotiation, communication, sacrifice, and compromise that we all try to get what we need.

Russell
(s1m0n)

Sushi Factor Revisited!

Once upon a time, I wrote this snippet of fun http://polytripod.blogspot.com/2011/08/sushi-factor.html about some of the wacky hi jinx that may ensue when things that were either off the table, or stated non-preferences in one relationship, are picked up within a new relationship.  Based on an incident from our own experiences, I call it "The Sushi Factor".

What's been amusing is to see how that term has slipped into the vernacular of our local poly community!  Now, when someone is feeling frustrated about their partner picking up dance classes with their New Shiny, after they'd been requesting to do that for years, they grumble about how "This is all just so much Sushi Factor..." and other people understand what they're trying to say.   It can also create a mutually understood starting point on conversation with your partner, when feelings might be running high, or be muddled.

Since writing the original post, I've started taking a slightly different approach on the whole Sushi Factor issue.  Yes, it can be completely galling to see your partner taking actions that you've wanted with someone new, but I'm here to say that it also creates an opportunity to leverage the heck out of the NRE that is driving the change, and get more of what you want with your partner!  The trick is not letting your bruised ego get in the way.  Not always easy for me!  ;)

These days, my approach looks a lot more like, "Hey, I'm really excited that you seem to be into xyz now!   When can we find some time to do that together?".  This seems to be a bit more practically functional, and gets me closer to having more of the things I want in my relationships.  If there's reluctance to schedule xyz with me specifically, THEN we can have a SF conversation, and find out what lies beneath the surface.

Anyone up for some raw fish?

Somebody is Bound to Get Hurt

This recently came up at one of our polyamory discussion groups:

Can you be in a polyamorous relationship without hurting anyone?

Ironically, the question has recent resonance with me.  It was revealed this week that one of my metamours has actively tried to avoid hurting the three people he's been seeing ... by not telling anyone about his other partners.

It turns out that my partner was having a conversation with another person on OKCupid. The conversation eventually revealed that my partner and this other party were dating the same person. Woops. Surprise.

Well, my partner then texted her boyfriend for an explanation and that both of the girls were going to get together for coffee, and his response was something like, "Great! Glad to see you two meeting up." Not exactly the response she was looking for.

Meanwhile, just two weeks before that, the same guy revealed to his other longer-term partner that he was seeing my partner and it was serious. His significant other didn't realize the depth of their relationship and was shocked by it.

The effect of this was explosive. Partner A didn't realize that his entanglement with Partner B was so intense; Partner C was flabbergasted that Partner B never heard of her; Partner B was astonished that this was never brought up before; Partners A, B, and C ended up on more shaky ground than ever. Expectations and trust were shattered all the way around.

I honestly don't believe that his intention in either case was malicious. He just didn't get around to revealing his dance card with all of his partners. I'd describe his actions more of "an error of omission" than "an attempt to deceive" - he just didn't want to hurt anybody.

In love - regardless of your lifestyle (polyamorous, monogamous, or otherwise) - pain is a natural emotion in love, just the feelings of envy, jealousy, outrage, fear, sadness, or elation. Falling in love exposes our vulnerabilities; falling in love is a gamble between risk and reward; falling in love guarantees pain.

In Poly, as in any relationship model, somebody is bound to get hurt, except with Poly, we're supposed to be learning how to use communication as a way to confront challenges like these and contend with the pain. We're supposed to be confronting these problems head-on rather than attempting to dodge them.

As my metamour found out, hiding the truth (either through active deceit, omission, or cowardice) doesn't erase the truth. It won't buffer the pain. It'll only exacerbate it.

It's my feeling that in Poly there shouldn't be an attempt to deceive or omit. Honest, open, transparent relationships demands that we gather the courage to work through the emotional challenges and deal with the truth: the truth of our emotions, the truth of our commitments, the truth in our relationships. Pain will be a natural consequence of truth, but hopefully we've learned something along the way and the pain helps us grow up to be better partners.

s1m0n
(Russell)