Friday, June 6, 2014
There have been a lot of changes in the past several months. Other than my connection with Russell, all the other relationships I've been involved with have ended. Amicably, for good reasons, and all that jazz. Still, for the first time in 13 years, I have one partner, and it feels bloody strange.
Over the past decade and change I've worked diligently to increase my capacity to be emotionally connected to others, to process, to communicate, to be part of something larger than a couple. Right now, there is a void where my poly life usually sits, as though I'm rattling around in my own head and heart, empty nesting with Russell.
When I consider the style of poly I prefer, it's similar to being in a triathlon. I bike, I swim, I run. Being functionally emotionally monogamous at the moment, it's as though I can bike, but running and swimming are off the table. I can still break a sweat, but muscles I normally use are stiff and sore from neglect. Others are being overused, because you can only ride a bike so long before you get saddle-sore... ;)
Dating a bit now, it feels like taking a short training run, or swim. Just enough to be a reminder of what I deeply enjoy doing and feeling, but not enough to really scratch that itch. This isn't a lack in my relationship, with Russell, or with myself. I am happy with what is happening with him, with us, with me. In many ways, this is a positive interlude! Even if I had no partners, the core of who I am doesn't change. Right now, it just feels a bit...overly capacious.