Friday, August 31, 2012
Being the Squeaky Wheel
The past several months, I've been in a very strange and new place- being the squeaky wheel in my relationships, particularly the one that S and I share. There have been some big changes in my life, things that I knew were going to be triggering, and pull up a lot of past baggage. This transition has been bumping up against everyone in my network going through a breakup, NRE, or both, in the same time frame.
What's going on? Well, I've opted to do a more fully shared parenting plan with my ex, and, after several months of negotiation, he's moved close by to make that workable. This changes many of the ways that time are being spent within my relationships, parenting, and professional life, and brings a higher level of contact and negotiation with him into my world. It also changes one of my main roles in life, as a Mom, into something I'm unsure of.
In order to try and maintain a sense of safety, I've been striving for a level of predictability within all the other aspects of my life. It's been looking a lot like requiring (gulp) a lot more structure within my relationships. I am shutting down in the moment, running hot and cold, have very little in the way of emotional skin, and am not happy with any of it. I'm tired of historical shit popping up in my current world, tired of breakups, tired of NRE, tired of trying to accommodate so many priorities for so many people. Most of all, I'm tired of my internal landscape being so far from my norm, which is healthy, happy, giving, caring, confident and loving.
What to do? Let go. Let go of the idea of creating a predictable space. Let go of structure. Let go of the past. Let go of the overwhelming responsibilities. Let go of fear. Let go of trying to compete. Let go of screaming to be heard. Trust, and hope that the decisions I've made will work out for all concerned, that the people in my life will choose to consider me, and act in accordance with what I need, if not always with what I want in the moment. Trust and hope that I'm still in here somewhere, and all the rest is irrelevant.
Over the past several years, I've put a lot of myself on the pages here. People have learned from my errors, have agreed, disagreed, rejoiced with me, sorrowed in moments of loss, considered ideas and learned ways to do things differently. It's a mere snapshot of who I am, but it's a real one. If you're following along, and found something useful, I'd like to hear about it now. I need a little lubricant to ease my squeaky wheel, and feeling like this sharing has a larger purpose would be helpful to me.