One of the aspects of poly that I appreciate deeply is that the vast majority of those that self-identify this way are actively seeking to be self-aware and growth oriented. That mindset is something that I find most appealing, although, at times, a bit daunting. Having cycled through a great many changes in the past several months, I find myself at a place of highly desiring stability, which is at odds with my usual bent towards growth.
It's been feeling as though I've been running as rapidly as possible to stay ahead of the wave, and just barely managing that much. Perhaps the next challenge to come along may topple me. Intellectually, I can recognize that in times of intense change there are some amazing discoveries to be made, and that such an event would be a temporary setback at worst. Emotionally, I just want the hits to stop coming. Give me some space to breathe, center, energize, and grow towards being at peace with the changes that have been happening.
How is this impacting me on a poly level? Well, there are some relationships and connections that are growing more slowly than desired, or have been put on hold/changed into something different for the time being. For the most part, I think that is going OK. This may not be optimal, but it's the best I have to offer for the time being.
When I have done weight training, one of the concepts that they cover is the idea of working to total failure. You lift heavy enough, slowly enough, and tax your muscles to the point where you just can't possibly do another repetition. Things that you would normally be able to do, like pick up a couple of grocery bags, are just flat out of the question until you've had a bit of time to recover and regain function in those areas. I'm in emotional muscle fatigue. I can't lift any more, and the things that would normally be simple and easy, joyously undertaken, feel pretty close to impossible.
The thing I'm trying to remember is that, once the recovery period is over, those muscles are stronger and more capable than before. So, for those of you in the trenches with me, I appreciate your patience, and hope that you'll find the waiting worthwhile. Someday, it's going to be my turn to pick you up!