When I see someone I love moving in a direction that looks to be less positive, it feels yucky. It feels scary. It feels uncomfortable and unhappy. And it has almost nothing to do with me directly. These choices are about someone else's journey in life, not my own. Stepping back and watching someone I care for get their heart ripped out and handed to them on a platter, still pulsing and steaming, is one of the hardest things for me to do. I don't like the person that does it to them, and I don't like my partner choosing that path. I fight it every step of the way, and that resistance isn't working all that well.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Center of the universe
This may come as a surprise to some of you. I know it did for me. I am, in fact, not the center of the universe. As you recover from your shock, allow me to elaborate! This sort of hearkens back to the Mama Bear Syndrome mentioned in this post: http://polytripod.blogspot.com/2009/02/waiting.html See, I sort of expect that other partners are going to think about me when they consider other relationships. In specific, I have a pretty strong desire that those other connections be warm, loving and positive. Because it's in my own self-interest.
One thing I am working on is just letting that go. Sounds pretty easy, doesn't it? Just don't worry about it, concern myself with it, be involved, or have any sense of responsibility for how things are going with anyone else's relationships. It's one of the things that drops into my lap on a pretty regular basis, so obviously, I need to get some additional clarity on letting go.
Let's look at the upside: Stepping back and just observing is a great opportunity to learn some of the "What NOT to do!" sort of lessons by proxy. Sure, it isn't as comfortable as watching people in a farther orbit experience things, and applying the learning to my own life, but it's much more impactful.
Several years ago, PG had a kidney stone. For years I'd been preaching about the value of drinking water, but a morning of excruciating pain was far more personally impactful for him than repeated advice from my quarter. He decided that he NEVER EVER wanted to feel that pain again, and started drinking water. He's never had another kidney stone. Some things just mean more when you learn them the hard way. Certainly more than a partner standing in your pathway trying to divert you from a course of action, or a relationship, that you want to explore.
So, I just need to be the center of my own universe, and accept that those around me are in a similar position. That I can keep myself safe, regardless of the storms that may rage about me. Trust that I am my own center, even if someone else I love is struggling, and that I will be okay.