Friday, July 17, 2009

Controlled burn


As you may have surmised over the past several posts, there are some significant changes taking place in connections outside of the household. Here is something I am seeing right now: Looking at connections with a more objective lens, deconstructing a relationship, determining the cost/benefit of a given connection, deciding if it is worth maintaining, finding a course of action, and negotiating a pathway forward.


Sure, these are also available to people within non-poly relationships, I just see it a little more often in a poly context. The feared emotional explosion that I talked about within the last post has turned into more of a "controlled burn". Both of the involved parties looked at their relationship, found that it wasn't feeding them, and opted to dissolve the relationship, looking instead towards a friendly connection that continues forward in a much less intensive way that isn't interconnected.


I'm heaving a sigh of relief, as not only is my partner feeling much more at peace, but also has plugged back in at home, and I'm not trying to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship. Selfish? Perhaps. I am still grateful for the improved relationship skills we've acquired in the past several years, which are making this possible. To be sure, there is still grieving that will happen, disappointment felt, but it is still within the context of acceptance of what is.


Too often people get stuck in a relationship by wanting it to be something different than it is, projecting that onto the relationship, and not recognizing that the model that is in their head and heart doesn't necessarily mesh with the reality of the relationship that they have. Getting to a point where you can see what it is you have, deciding if that is a relationship you want to be in, and moving forward from there, is a skill that develops over time and with experience.


Self-deception is one of the more insidious disconnects that can stunt personal growth, and the health of any relationship, including the one with yourself. Being able to burn away the clutter to expose the truth of a given connection may be painful, but it can also be liberating, as you realize the underlying strength within yourself, and within your other relationships.
Post a Comment