Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Who sleeps with me?

Please note: Picture is not of us! We have two different beds. ;)

One of the questions that people ask me fairly often concerns "sleeping arrangements". How exactly does that whole thing work? Who "gets me" on a given night? Is there a schedule? Does seniority count? Does the low man on the totem pole get me during my period? Is there a way to earn extra time? Yes, I have actually had people ask. My first response is usually a giggle. Like I'm some amazing prize to be bestowed upon the lucky man?!?! While I have a healthy sense of my own worth, I don't think it's that big a deal.

So you really want to know? I actually wanted a schedule, but both guys said no to that idea. They wanted _me_ to decide. No pressure! So this is the system we came up with: I sleep where I want, generally with an alternating night schedule, unless someone has a different preference. Let's say that S is getting up at ungodly o'clock to teach a class, I would choose to sleep with PG. Perhaps PG has a date and is likely to be out or up late entertaining, I sleep with S.

This has been working pretty well so far. The key policy that keeps it going is that, if someone has a particular need, they are mandated to speak up. There are no allowances for "But I kind of wanted you to sleep with _me_ last night, but you didn't, and now I feel neglected, jealous and/or unimportant." Did you ask? Nope! Do better next time.

I do make efforts to "tuck in" whatever partner isn't in bed with me on a given night, as well as snuggle in the morning when practical to do so. It's a nice way to reconnect, particularly in that half-asleep/half-awake state that creates a nice sense of intimacy and warmth.

You'll notice that this system is highly dependent on all of us being grown up enough to recognize our own needs and use our big boy and big girl words. There isn't a way that everyone is going to get everything they want all the time, but you can get pretty close to it when you follow that general guideline.

As for tonight, I just don't know. I had a migraine last night, so I don't think passing out at 7pm in a particular bed really counts towards the "sleeping together" tally for the week. On the other hand, one of the guys is going to be out a while this evening, so maybe that means a late night out? More information is needed, but in the end it always comes down to personal choice. Maybe a coin toss?


Anonymous said...

I loved this so much I linked it on my Twitter.

Ellie said...

This is incredibly useful. Sleeping arrangements have been a big source of stress in my quad (we're long distance). It is good to see this perspective.

Jayne Dough said...

I could hang with all that, but I'd require 3 beds, not 2. The idea of never sleeping alone, of not having private space pre-carved out for me, makes me shudder.

I am very much an introvert: alone time is mandatory.

I have to confess that sometimes (not generally, but sometimes) it does work better to decide when the time comes rather than to pre-schedule.

polyfulcrum said...

Hi Jayne. Thanks for chiming in!

Yes, I can see where an introvert would prefer 3 separate beds, which we technically have, and sometimes they all get used.

For me, I am an avid skin-contact seeker, so having someone close by pretty much all the time works well for me.

PG has his own bed in his own room, as does S, as well as the "master bedroom", so it leaves us with plenty of options, if alone time is needed.