Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Stretching again


So being poly isn't about casual sex, right? It's about connections with people on a heart level, which I have fully embraced. What I'm trying to figure out is if that precludes sexuality of a more recreational nature?

Back in the day, we started our open relationship in the swing community, where becoming emotionally invested in others was pretty highly discouraged. It was fairly common for us to go out and sew a few wild oats, playing with others. As we worked through how we felt about opening things up, PG and I figured out that a higher level of emotion shared with playmates felt better, so we sort of migrated to poly, although I continued to play casual when I was with my long distance lover, C.

When S and I started dating, I went totally cold-turkey on casual sex. Part of that was NRE, since I didn't have any desire to play outside my own little circle of comfort. Part of that was that S was coming from a harsh mono background, and time to solidify the relationship without outside confusion was desired. Part of that was becoming "more poly", I had more interest in being around emotionally resonant people than casual contacts.

This past weekend S and I went out and played, casual. We'd talked it over in advance, and while we were there. I figured this would be fun!

S was fine, I was weirded out. It felt like a step backwards in some ways. The longer I sit with the feeling, the more I think that there are still some vestiges of the puritanical upbringing I experienced creeping in. I mean, seriously: I live with two men, we all have outside connections, I LOVE having sex in public pretty regularly, and a little casual sex is what it takes to make me feel slutty in an undesired way? Ridiculous!

There is no moral reason that I should feel icky about enjoying some casual fun, done safely. Pleasure is good, as long as no one is being hurt by it. S watched me be sexual with another man for the first time and has obviously been still interested in being with me, so I didn't lose anything on that front. PG is fine with that too, and enjoys a relaxed romp himself on occasion. No relationships were damaged in the enjoyment of random willing participants. I am no less polyamorous for also enjoying outside talent every so often.

Continuing the percolation cycle... I'll keep you posted!

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