Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Whistling in the dark


There have been a few posts here where I've talked about being an exhibitionist. Continuing to think about the underlying motivators for that particular kink, there are things that have bubbled to the surface that aren't perhaps obvious, so I wanted to share.

When I was a kid, my family was overseas for a while. In a country where I was an extreme minority, there was a lot of attention, constantly. I absolutely hated it. There was no where I could go, nothing I could do that wasn't scrutinized. When I was ten, someone sexually assaulted me for the sheer novelty of fucking someone of my ethnicity. I knew instinctively that it wasn't something that my parents would be able to handle, so I kept it to myself for many years. As an adult, I've worked through the ramifications of those events within myself and with my partners.

There are many women I've met that have experienced some version of the above story. Some of us spiral down into powerlessness and damage, some of us turn the experience around as motivation to become stronger than those who would seek to harm or diminish us. I'd like to think that I'm one of the latter.

It feels good to turn expectations on end and go in an entirely different direction. When I take my clothes off and experience pleasure where others can see me, I am whistling in the dark, defiant, showing that I don't fear appearing naked, am not ashamed of my sexuality, that my body is something I cherish even though it has been turned against me in the past. I court the attention that was previously a burden, but on my own terms, from a position of power and of my own choosing.

When you next see me at an event enjoying myself in the fullness of empowerment that comes with reclaiming pieces of self, take a moment to hug me so that I know you have seen me and appreciate the energy that I am bringing to the space. If you want to join me exploring that dynamic, please do! No one can take my potential away from me, and I celebrate S and PG for being with me on the path to self-discovery.

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