Sunday, August 24, 2008

Finding balance

The last major piece of furniture that isn't going with us to the new space was taken away today, so pretty much all the remains is part of the continuing cycle of our lives. There is a lot of change in the air, a lot of shifts taking place, yet I am feeling closer to balance. Last week I visited with my naturopath, who does a lot of energetic work. I asked her to work on continued momentum in a positive direction, and being able to let go of those things that I do not have control over. The move will do what it's going to do. I've done the most I can to assure it is smooth, but I cannot control whether the cleaner gets sick, the moving company shows up, or if any of the other myriad of issues that can arise happens. So let it go. Let. It. Go.

In many ways, that feeling has been prevalent on an emotive level over the past couple months. I cannot control whether or not PG's other partner opts to change the nature of their relationship. I cannot choose how he might feel about that. I cannot see how S's new connection will develop, if I will feel like a good fit in that landscape, if she will be the type of person that will positively contribute to him/us. Anticipating the possibilities has been an exercise in futility for me, and has negatively impacted all of us on some levels. So let it go. Let. It. Go. They will love as they wish. Preparing for the worst hasn't served me well. Doing the best I can to give what is needed has served me well in the past. Go with what works.

On the flipside of things, I think it was good after a fashion to have PG see me so emotionally wrought up, to know that I DO indeed feel helplessness, or jealousy, or pain. Being a woman who has been described by her partner as "eerily stable" is both a blessing and a curse. There are times when I haven't felt like having an emotional response was ok, that I "should" be able to handle myself without leaning on others. Being in a space where I was so upset I couldn't really even fake it stripped away those illusions. I feel more able to show my feelings, to express things without censoring myself as stringently. Oddly enough, I can pretty much trace back the moment that shift happened. PG's other partner called me after their upheaval was largely over. She knew that I'd been struggling with it and wanted to talk with me. After a few moments on the phone, I said that I didn't have anything constructive or positive to contribute to the conversation. She said, "Then don't be positive or constructive." I think that was the first time in my life that someone had ever given me explicit permission to feel whatever I was feeling and express it in whatever fashion seemed best at the time. I blurted, I chastised, I ranted, raved and otherwise just let it all hang loose. Perhaps cathartic, certainly a tactic I'd never really tried before. I hated it. Part of me loved it. I've really wanted to push that rawness away from me. Over the past several weeks though, I've come to realize that parts of that uncensored reality have a place in my life. The parts that serve me and move me in a direction that I want to go with my life, with my loves, with my partners, with my growth. Respect the balance.


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