Saturday, December 22, 2012

Learning to Ask

Camille is guest-blogging for us today. Yay!

If you follow this blog you probably already know about the "The Scheduling Conundrum" and Google Calendar.
The process of calendaring and talking and negotiating has been a big boon for me.  I can be a crazy spontaneous girl, but I really appreciate knowing when I can rely on private time with S, together time with S & PF and other social group time.  

When I'm on my own and feeling disconnected or isolated, my calendar is a great comfort to me.  Being able to say, "I miss you a lot, but I get to see you tomorrow and I will be ok..." is really good for me.

Lately things are going well, PF has been amazing, including me in social time and activities, offering times and events that aren't on the calendar in advance and being pro-active in checking in and communicating with me. 

Time for her and I to talk together and connect makes things so much easier, it helps to feel like we are both working together rather than being unintentionally opposing forces.  It helps to know that when she is feeling strained or is dealing with a something that is uncomfortable for her that she will write or text me and let me know where she is and whats on her plate.  I also like that she will send me a text every now and then and just say "Hey, how is your day going?".

So here is my rough spot... 

I find it really difficult to ask for what I want in this situation, especially when the thing I want is more time with S.

I feel really greedy asking for time that isn't already on the calendar, I feel excessively needy that I constantly want more.  I am not used to feeling this way.  Its a painful struggle getting over this feeling.  As though having previously unplanned wants and needs is asking for too much.  That admitting that I am  having a rough day or expecting to have a rough night and could use some comfort is being too demanding.  Or that asking for more is somehow to the detriment of my metamour.   

This is not something developed from experiences in this relationship, actually the two (count them two, because I'm that messed up about advocating for myself in this situation) times I've made a request for unscheduled time have been not only discussed and accommodated, they have been freely and happy given.  This openness and sharing is available even without my asking... on a day when I was having a difficult time at work and was feeling out of sorts PF contacted me and invited me over to spend time at their place after work, so I wouldn't be alone and grumpy.  Things like this make me feel so lucky, so incredibly blessed.

So how do I reconcile this... 

With my partner and metamour there are clear pathways of communication and sincere interest in each other's comfort and happiness.  When something does come up we find a way to make sure that everyone is taken care of, so everyone has their needs met and no one is left feeling forgotten or taken advantage of.

And yet, in myself... its incredibly hard to speak up. To say, thank you for all of this... but I want more.  I know its old baggage, I know this feeling of dread is from some old hurt that I haven't gotten completely past.  But how do I get beyond it?  

How do I learn to ask... without feeling like Oliver Twist with a bowl in my hands?


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