Sunday, April 29, 2012

Keep Some Gas in the Tank

One of the often overlooked things, particularly in the early stages of “going poly”, or when one is experiencing a surge of NRE, is that it behooves one to keep a little metaphorical gas in one’s tank when going between partners.

Let’s say you have hot date with amazing partner A.  You are in the ZONE!  On fire!  Makin’ it happen!  You are all things wonderful in the universe for the time you are sharing!  It’s over the top, and just keeps going!  There’s deep, heart-felt conversation, amazing emotional and physical intimacy.  It’s a superlative experience by any measure.

You transition out of the date, drag your weary, yet elated, ass home, fall into bed exhausted, and wonder why partner B seems less than enthused about your mind-blowing experience.   Turns out they are getting the garbage together (usually your task), handling the plumbing issue that reared its ugly head just as you were leaving, the kid has a project due at school the next day, and the dog apparently got into something dead and smelly, which required bathing and an unexpected load of necrotic laundry.

While we all enjoy a good dose of compersion, it would take a saint of amazing proportions to not feel a bit irate at the differences in the events of the evening.   How can one turn this around?

In my experience, it is very helpful when a partner comes in from a date with something left to give.  Perhaps it’s a warm snuggle, kiss, sharing of intimacy, or just cleaning out the litter box.   Something that says, “I love you.  I’m present.” In a way that is recognizable by the receiving partner.  Just to have the ability to handle some small issue, to give some comfort or pleasure without it harshing the mellow of the previous experience.

My gf, J, often goes between her various partners in succession on the weekends, because that’s the best way for everyone to get to spend time together.  I really appreciate that she shows up to spend time with me well- groomed, smelling delightful, and with a smile on her face that is just for me.  Even if she’s tired from a previous engagement, I get something that is about our connection each and every time.
Where it’s gone worst is when partners wear themselves out completely with another partner, then spend a day or so recovering, with an expectation that everyone else is going to pick up the slack.  Don’t do it.  If that means you live on coffee for a day; make it happen.  If it means you cut your date “short” at the previously considered end time, even if it doesn’t feel like you’re completely done; do it.  If it means you satisfy your partner’s needs with something other than a rock hard penis; do it. If it means you put aside your need for alone time because you’ve burned those hours; do it.   Do not sacrifice one partner’s experience of you for a momentary satisfaction.

Be smart about allocating your resources.  Keep something back, if not for others, for yourself.  No one, least of all you, is served well by complete depletion.  Learn to give generously, but remember you still have bills to pay.  Reserves are important.  If a need becomes apparent, be able to rise to the challenge!

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