Friday, January 22, 2010

An Embarrassment of Riches, or, Polysaturation.

I'm full up. Really. Totally. Completely. It's a good feeling, and one that stretches me. Of course, I kind of like being stretched in good ways, so that's working! ;) If you'd told me that about six months ago, I wouldn't have thought it likely. Granted, I've never really had issues finding interested parties, but interesting, highly-skilled, smart, non-flaky people that put in just like they take out, looking for sustainable long-term connections, well, those are a bit harder to come by! Oh yes! And all local! THAT takes some doing as well!

So, what's a woman to do when surrounded by so many luscious opportunities? Be grateful. That's where I'm starting from. I'm grateful that I have two fantastic men, PG and S, that I love deeply, to live with, be family with, and handle all the niggling necessities of life alongside. I'm grateful that the couple I've been dating, T and Z, moved to this area a few months ago. I'd been getting to know them in bits and pieces online for quite a bit prior to that, and it's created a nice streamlining as I've gotten to know them in person. They are consistently who they present as in all that I've read and heard to this point, and much more in person! I'm grateful for my friend, D, who is moving in the direction of being more than strictly platonic, who is caring and patient, and delightfully insightful in ways that I appreciate deeply.

After all that gratitude comes a bit of panic. How can I possibly do it all? Well, that's the whole point, isn't it? Since these are all adults who can take care of themselves, by and large, I just get to be the best me I can bring to the table (or bed, or couch, or whatever surface seems handy), and when someone needs something from me, they get to ask for it, and I can say yes or no! Since I have a good level of appreciation for my own giving nature, that's a pretty comfortable place to be.

Following panic, there's a bit of euphoria. It's that, "It's a cold winter night, the pantry is full, and you're snuggled up by the fire with a warm beverage, and even warmer company." sort of feeling. It's just multiplied out by a higher factor than the usual settings!

T and Z, and D are a bit more oriented towards the kinked side of the fence, so that creates more opportunities to explore that side of my sexuality than I've had in a while, and consistently with the same people, which I find most rewarding. In addition, each and every one of my partners are very cerebral, touchy feely, and emotionally aware. (sigh of contentment) Let's hear it for bringing one's game up a notch or so!

On the other hand, there's a been a smidge of disgruntlement from some people who had indicated interest in dating in the past, where the timing wasn't right. Sort of a sense that, once I decided that I was open to date, there should have been a "right of first refusal" sort of setting, where they got first shot at it. Since when do I have a obligation to make a declaration of Open Season on putting myself into the dating pool again? Actually, since I largely have been in huntress mode, that just never even occurred to me. Picture the duck, from the really old Looney Tunes cartoons, who tosses himself into the dog's mouth. That's about the size of it. Putting myself out there was a bit risky, but I've found that it generally works well for me, and at worst, someone feels flattered about my interest.

So, I head towards next weekend, when we are hosting a Poly Potluck at our home, with anticipation. Looking toward feeling a deeper sense of community, at having many of my connections, PG's and S's all here at once. T and Z are bringing a visitor along, the first of T's other partner's I'll have the opportunity to meet in the foreseeable future. PG is bringing his newest serious connection along, as well as her Sig O. The kids will be here. The dogs, well, we'll try it out! It'll be a zoo, but it'll be a fun zoo! And at some point, I will pause, look around, and acknowledge that I've got it damn good.


EmilyTbM said...

Sorry if you felt disgruntlement from my side. I felt something, sure, not disgruntlement. Surprise maybe and a feeling of, "it figures" since this is a common pattern in my life. Hard to explain but the short of it is that the feelings have less to do with you and more to do with the situation in general. I'll get over it, I always do.

polyfulcrum said...

Actually, that wasn't directed at you. I can see where you'd be feeling a bit of the whole "When is it going to be my turn to connect?" sort of thing though, and have felt that disappointment myself. I'm glad that you aren't upset with me directly, and am here for you, if you need someone to talk with.

Darcy said...

I had lots of fun at the potluck. Really nice to be able to hang out with all of you. Thanks for the invite! Next time I'll try to remember to bring something that I have the recipe for. :]