Friday, October 16, 2009

Center of the universe

This may come as a surprise to some of you. I know it did for me. I am, in fact, not the center of the universe. As you recover from your shock, allow me to elaborate! This sort of hearkens back to the Mama Bear Syndrome mentioned in this post: See, I sort of expect that other partners are going to think about me when they consider other relationships. In specific, I have a pretty strong desire that those other connections be warm, loving and positive. Because it's in my own self-interest.

When I see someone I love moving in a direction that looks to be less positive, it feels yucky. It feels scary. It feels uncomfortable and unhappy. And it has almost nothing to do with me directly. These choices are about someone else's journey in life, not my own. Stepping back and watching someone I care for get their heart ripped out and handed to them on a platter, still pulsing and steaming, is one of the hardest things for me to do. I don't like the person that does it to them, and I don't like my partner choosing that path. I fight it every step of the way, and that resistance isn't working all that well.

One thing I am working on is just letting that go. Sounds pretty easy, doesn't it? Just don't worry about it, concern myself with it, be involved, or have any sense of responsibility for how things are going with anyone else's relationships. It's one of the things that drops into my lap on a pretty regular basis, so obviously, I need to get some additional clarity on letting go.

Let's look at the upside: Stepping back and just observing is a great opportunity to learn some of the "What NOT to do!" sort of lessons by proxy. Sure, it isn't as comfortable as watching people in a farther orbit experience things, and applying the learning to my own life, but it's much more impactful.

Several years ago, PG had a kidney stone. For years I'd been preaching about the value of drinking water, but a morning of excruciating pain was far more personally impactful for him than repeated advice from my quarter. He decided that he NEVER EVER wanted to feel that pain again, and started drinking water. He's never had another kidney stone. Some things just mean more when you learn them the hard way. Certainly more than a partner standing in your pathway trying to divert you from a course of action, or a relationship, that you want to explore.

So, I just need to be the center of my own universe, and accept that those around me are in a similar position. That I can keep myself safe, regardless of the storms that may rage about me. Trust that I am my own center, even if someone else I love is struggling, and that I will be okay.


Anonymous said...

It's a hard thing to do...just let them go down a path you can see isn't good. I've had to face that I can't always (more often can't than can) make things easier for my men in their other relationship. I feel for you in that.

designergrl said...

OMG, if you were here I'd give you the biggest ole' hug and a really sloppy kiss!!!(Ok I don't kiss sloppily.I'm a fabulous kisser)You were speaking to this moment when I was telling myself I cannot handle this....feeling like everything in my gut is telling me that disaster is ahead for my partner and the Other.And it feels Naive' to tell myself that it does Not affect me.I mean this is the 4th time in 5 years he has gone down this road...and I hope I am wrong.It is just that every time the Other is in town,it feels like doom and gloom.EEEkkk!

I need to remind myself that *I* would not Listen when hy kept telling me what an ass my ex gf was and in how many languages do I need to hear :you are not a priority, you are an option...barely! from my ex gf.I just Knew that I could fix my ex.if I just hold on long enough.

Snort! And I did not face up to this until I was ready.And the thing is *I* am not gonna lose anything....hy is in it for the long haul with me...finally got me to believe it.

I don't want You (or anyone) to have to go thru this...but it's less lonely knowing someone else feels like I do.

Thank you, as always.


polyfulcrum said...

Thanks for the supportive commentary! Outside perspective can be a blessing, or a curse at times, can't it? Well, here's to sticking to my guns and staying firm in recognition that each of us has their own path, and that the path we choose may not always be smooth or pleasant, but it doesn't make it less valuable.

Jade said...

Hi...I am new to your blog (linked over here from multipleloves.blogspot) and am enjoying it very much already.

I too, have had to step back and "allow" my partner to make mistakes that I just KNEW were going to end in heartache for is so so hard to do! But, as you note, sometimes we need to make those mistakes to grow. (It just sucks to be the one on the outside watching.)

Good luck to you and yours!


shonuf4 said...

Sorry to post this in your public forum, but I DID subscribe to your blog! I would like to contact the artist responsible for the Center of the Universe image on this blog for use permission or perhaps to commission an original work. Any help would be most appreciated.

polyfulcrum said...

@shonfu4: I took a few moments to look it up, but wasn't able to track it down thus far. Will be in contact if that changes!

shonuf4 said...

Much appreciation.

Anonymous said...

it's obvious you are not the centre of the universe. I am