Sunday, May 24, 2009

My Patented Five-Step Process


Have you gone to bars and hit on a chic and she slapped you in the face ??!!!

Have women eaten you alive like discarded bloody chum in a sea of empty loneliness?

Do you think the hot babes are all taken? And you've missed your chance?!

Is your budget constricted in this bad economy and you can no longer afford date-rape drugs?!

Hey dude - are you seriously tired of rejection?
Do you want to BAG that babe the right way, every time?!

Listen: it doesn't matter if you're a walking cheese-head with a bad case of acne, chronic halitosis, and a really bad haircut, my incredible - patented! - five-step process can help you get LAID!


Men, are you ready to take control of your lives? To really show a woman a good time?! Just listen to this schmuck from Arlington, Texas, who followed my patented Five-Step Process:

"Uh, I was 38 years old and living with my widowed mother. I spent more on my truck than my education. No woman would ever come home with me. But, er, after the... the Five Step Process... I've had two very fine women in my life. At once! And I've moved out and left the trailer for my mom. Wow, I never thought it'd be possible! Thank you, Dr. Simon!"

YES, I can help you - YOU - YOU!! - find the peace and happiness that you've needed, that you've searched for, that you've craved!

GET LAID! GET SCREWED! BAG 'EM and TAG 'EM, baby, yeah!

OKAY OKAY OKAY !!! Are you ready for the revolutionary, totally astounding, AMAZING FIVE STEPS that will completely change your life?!?!?! Okay, here they are!!

... But WAIT! There's more! If you act now, then we will include - totally FREE OF CHARGE - a ULTRA-SUPER POLY-CHAMOIS - great for those post-coital poly-saturated moments!

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OKAY OKAY! Are you ready?! Are you ready for the BIG AMAZING TOP FIVE PATENTED PROCESS?! Are you ready to totally change your life?!?!?!

1. Communicate. Listen More, Talk Less. It's Not All About You!

WOW okay the first one and, by itself, IT'S ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS you must remember, and you can't, I said - you CAN'T - just ignore the rest! You have to embrace this idea that women want to be TALKED WITH and not TALKED AT! BONUS BONUS BONUS! You can use your BIG BOY WORDS! So okay here you go, here's the next TOTALLY AMAZING tip!

2. Show appreciation. Remember Important Dates. And Unimportant Ones!

OH WOW >> Here's a big one you MUST remember! << You must show her that she's actually WANTED and NEEDED and APPRECIATED in your world! It's not the Nike's that gets you noticed, buddy! It's not the Rolex! It's not the BMW! Listen, bonehead: it's showing up at the door with flowers once in a while when she's been making your dinner! It's being on-time - maybe even EARLY EARLY EARLY to events that are meaningful to here! It's remembering the last moment she told you she cared.

Now.. NOW that you're armed with two out of three, you think you've got it all? You think you're ready? You're confident, psyched - ready for the BIG GAME?! No WAY, poser! You're just skimming the surface! Listen to this hipster from Seattle, WA!!

"Like, woh, dude: the moment - and, like, I mean the moment - that I shut up, started listening to her and, like, what she wanted, and actually showed up on time to meet her and her family for lunch, well, chwah - that was a game-changer, man. A game-changer. It's changed my life forever. Chwah."

3. Snuggle. Be Affectionate. Touch. Eye Contact. Good Body Language!

OH MAN, if you really want to learn how to impress a lady, you gotta know how to touch her! And not... TOUCH her, like, GROPE the woman, NO, we're talking - CARESS! We're talking - SOFT! We're talking considerate of BOUNDARIES! Take you're sweet time, brother: don't run to the finish-line before you had a chance to lap a couple of times! That's why there's the SCENIC route, my friend! Take it slow. Calm. Pace yourself! Be gentle, and let every touch MEAN something. Then after that, you'll be at the races - and she'll be BEHIND THE WHEEL, man, I mean, "behind" the WHEEL! Giggidy-giggidy-goo!

4. Initiate. Don't Sit Back and Wait. Make the First Move. Be a Man!

Hey, and that one's the freebie. Listen: you're not going to get anywhere unless you KNOW where you're going! And you've got to be the one to take the first step. There she is, across the room. You're over here, she's over there, and nothing is happening. NOTHING! Well, what do you EXPECT is going to happen?!?! If a whole lot of NOTHING is going on between you two, well, a whole lot of nothin' is GOIN' ON! Listen - LISTEN - LISTEN!! - to this true-believer in sunny San Diego, CA!

"For a long time, I would just sit in a corner, drink Corona. I'd watch my friends score. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I wanted. And I didn't know how to ask for it. But then my amigo, Dr. Simon - I listened to him. He made a difference in my thinking. I was able to see, you know, the way. The chicas wouldn't be coming to me. I had to go to the chicas. Once I was able to show them that I was assertive, I got a date. I was happy. Really happy. Gracias, Senior Simon."

NOW... NOW... NOW!

We're at the end, my friend! The very last piece of advice from your pal, your mentor, your key to the free world.... Dr. Simon! ARE YOU READY?! CAN YOU HANDLE IT?! OKAY OKAY OKAY... HERE IT IS!!!!!!


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5. Basic Hygiene. Brush Teeth. Wash Hair. Be Presentable. Smell Nice!

No, really. Clean up. She'll appreciate it and will even want to be close to you. She may even invite you to meet some of her friends, and - well - you know where THAT could go! Yah, baby, yah! Two's fine, but three's a party!

Make sure to subscribe to my online newsletter! Just click here! HERE! HERE !!!


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SelinaRussell said...

You have a wicked and creative mind. Unfortunately Me thinks that anyone who is likely to be reading your blog will have already bought the 5 Step Programme.
I'd a 6th or 7th
6. Do or be doing something in your life. People who've never left their hometown are somewhat dull.
7. Try speaking something other than American/Australian...and English doesn't count.

Anonymous said...

I like them both! Thanks, Angulimalo!

Anonymous said...

Have you thought of creating a YouTube video of this ad? Hilarious!

Darcy said...

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