Friday, May 1, 2009

Breaking up with a metamour

The past several years have seen several iterations of connection between myself and my partner's partner. We've been friends, lovers, Domme/sub, and care about the same person. One thing that has remained pretty constant has been that I've seen her as family, which isn't something I extend easily or often to anyone.

Over the past year there have been a lot of changes in her personal landscape, and the ways that she approaches relationships have shifted to the point where it doesn't feel like the "poly family" approach is working any longer. It seems apparent that I need to adjust my thinking to accommodate those shifts, and "break-up" with my metamour.

While we don't have a direct relationship with each other at this time, there is a sense of loss around this for me. I guess I am pretty attached to the ideal of sharing a bond with the people I have partners in common with, at least with one that is so close to the inner workings of our lives. She's also someone that I care for and respect, although we differ in many ways.

What does this look like? As far as practical stuff, not much. It's letting go of that sense of openness, of concern, the attempts to bring someone closer, and honor that they are perfectly content to be further away, and not involved in the "friends and family"model of poly by choice.

It's largely semantics, but there is a sense of closure that is important in the way that my emotional resources are spent and reserved. They'll continue to date however they choose, without investment from me in that dynamic.

I'm sad, but hopeful that this will bring a measure of ease that has been absent for quite some time with this person, and with myself.

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