Learning to Fly/Fall

A couple months ago, I was at a poly meet where many newbies were present.  A strong theme was regarding how to keep yourself, and your existing relationship, safe as a person exploring polyamory. One experienced soul said that safety was an illusion, and to just let go of the idea of having a "safe" environment. On the surface, that kind of bothered me.  Part of our job as individuals is addressing our own safety, right?

Watching high trapeze artists, one notices the athleticism, the coordination, the sychronicity, the skin tight outfits, the grace, and, perhaps less obviously, the net.  You see, even with a seasoned professional who has been practicing the art of trapeze for many years in coordination with others, the reality is that someone, someday, is going to fall.  There will be a misplaced hand, a slightly under/over powered maneuver, an off day.  The more complexity, the more people involved in the act, the more likely it is to have a missed connection, the more important the net becomes.   No one really wants to be at the show where a smashed skull is part of the entertainment. No one wants to BE that show!

For me, polyamory is managed risk.  I've tried some pretty freakin' challenging things, and sometimes the hands were there to catch me, and other times, I've fallen on my ass.  I want that net!

But what is a net in polyamory?  It's the skills you learn to support yourself, even when things don't go according to plan, because they won't always.  It's building the tenacity to climb the ladder again, grab the bar, and swing yourself into space in rhythm with other people, knowing that some days, some months, some years, are going to be spent falling over and over, as you attempt to learn a complex sequence together.  It's learning to assess who is going to catch you, and who isn't. It's being honest with yourself about who wants to put the work in, and who isn't going to train hard enough to be capable of the more complex stunts. It's knowing when you need to swing out there on your own, and just practice hanging onto the bar, finding your own rhythm.

The net isn't external.  It's internal.   When your internal net is strong, it's easier to try challenging, but highly rewarding things in your relationships!  You can fly, knowing that, even if you fall, you'll catch yourself.

Emotional Doormat

Being poly doesn't mean being an emotional doormat to your partner's other relationships.

We spend a lot of time in our pod considering how decisions within individual relationships, or as individuals, impact our partners, our metamours, and affect the larger grouping as a whole.  This is largely selfish.  That may sound kind of counter-intuitive, so bear with me.  When my relationship sphere is stable and well-nourished, my life is more relaxed, and I am better fed by my partners.  In taking care to consider the needs of others, as well as myself, I create the best conditions for my own health.

That said, there comes a point where the desire to put others before self becomes destructive. There is such a thing as too much generosity, and giving beyond the point of one's ability is a line to remain cognizant of.

When thinking about giving something that one values to another relationship/partner/metamour, consider for a moment:  Are there are feelings of martyrdom attached to that choice?  Is the offer being made as a preemptive strike to avoid being asked for something you don't want to give?  Would it be difficult to say "no", were a partner to make the suggestion? Will it damage you, or your relationship with a partner to say "yes" to a request?  If those answers aren't clear, don't put that into the pot, or let your partner/metamours know that this involves a, "Make it up to me." scenario.

Recently, there was a night slotted for a date with Russell at a time where the need was high for a shared conversation with Camille, between the two of them, and the three of us.  It could have been pushed off, but that likely would have caused additional discomfort to all involved.  At the same point, I wasn't really jazzed up about missing that date night, since it was following a trip they'd been on together, and I had a need for reconnection.  In the end, I opted to offer up the date night to have that important conversation together, but also made clear requests for additional time and energy to be slotted into our relationship within the next few days to meet my need for reconnective time.   Everyone got what they needed, even though it wasn't an easy balance to strike in the moment.

It's all too easy in poly to inadvertently become an emotional doormat to a partner's other relationships; to cease advocating for self, and just give until drained beyond renewal.   Saying yes generally feels better to most of us than no, particularly when people we love are making those requests.  Putting more on the table is lauded as a virtue, and asking for something "selfish" is often discouraged.  Having needs can be seen as being needy, particularly in one's own mind, but when it comes down to it, the reality of human interactions boils down to, "What's in it for me?", and if that question has an unsatisfactory answer, the relationship isn't sustainable.

Poly 101: Dealing With Emotions

Lately, I've been writing some 101 articles for the blog; you can find them using the poly101 label on the site. In this article, I'm addressing a key idea behind polyamorous relationships.

When I first confronted Polyamory, I remember describing the sensation as "fairies, castles, and unicorns."

There I was having just wrapped up having sex with my friend's wife and he's in bed with his girlfriend. And everybody was okay with it. Wow! It was amazing! I had no idea that this kind of openness existed.

Hell, I'd never dreamed that I could be a part of anything like that.

Shortly thereafter - as the euphoria settled down and reality crept in - I had to start contending with the emotional baggage that accompanies the Polyamorous traveller. The jealousy, fear, joy, and excitement; the resentment from partners of my partners; the outright contempt from others; breakups; anger for not "being allowed" to do whatever the heck I wanted; the compassion and caring that I felt for newbies to the lifestyle; the sympathy and empathy I feel for my partners when I return home to my wife.

Poly really looks cool and fun on the outside. But the truth is Poly is a big-ass poo-bag of complex emotions that forces us to confront stuff that Monogamy attempts to either avoid or suppress, and for which many of us aren't prepared to manage.

In my experience with Polyamorous communities, I'd probably say that a strong majority of polyfolk support expressing, discussing, and resolving emotions. I'd even go so far as to say that discussing and processing emotions is part hobby and part therapy. The Poly tribes that I'm familiar with will go through a process that looks a bit like this:

1. Feeling. Somebody will have an emotional response and that could be deeply internalized or visibly, emotionally, publicly expressed.

2. Processing. The Polyamorous person will turn a critical eye to their feelings and attempt to isolate what triggered the response, and then consider how they're reacting, why they're reacting, and what benefit the reaction is bringing them. They might openly discuss their feelings with a community or partners as a processing activity.

3. Labeling. Eventually, it would seem to me that most of the Polyamorous have a categorical mind. They attempt to affix labels to what they're feeling so they can transform it into something manageable. Giving it a name certainly helps. It also helps in describing their emotional state to others.

4. Managing. Meanwhile, labeling helps identify tactics that could be employed to help contend with the emotion; tricks and tips that could be used right away or over time. Further, there may be an act of negotiation here where partners are asked to give consideration to the emotion and to modify their behaviours as to avoid another trigger.

5. Resolving. Finally, there is a resolution. Now, that resolution may not mean the absence of the emotion - not at all. It may just become the background noise of an ongoing state. It may never be erased. Hopefully though, the Polyamorous person feels heard, that they're doing their best to manage it, and they've developed a new skill in the process.

I've always thought of Polyamory as a lifestyle that interjects critical thinking into relationships and I must tell you that many of my peers laugh at me when I say this so take it as you will. Still, when I watch how the Polyamorous contend with difficult emotions, I'm always amazed by how - instead of just raw, emotional, uncontrolled reaction - they slow down, wait, process their feelings, and walk through a resolution pattern.

When I was in Monogamous relationships, I reacted to emotional stress. Maybe I just had piss-poor relationship skills in general but I really didn't slow down to process and resolve. I got angry. Real angry. I blamed the other person, shouted, cried, threw things, ran away. That's how I was taught to deal with deep emotional stress. That's how I was taught how emotions in romantic relationships resolved themselves:

a. Initial Feelings.
b. Rising Anxiety.
c. Confrontation.
d. Blow-up.
e. Run.
f. Attention.
g. Mutual Reconciliation.
h. Promises ... to never do that again.

I dunno about you guys, but this was the pattern of my first twenty years of romantic engagements. I really can't tell you how I arrived at that or why I did these things, but I can tell you when it ended: when I became Polyamorous.

It's my opinion that those who practice Polyamory do so not just for the sex appeal but to expand their emotional horizons. They're interested in pushing what's accepted, normal, and taboo, in order to explore their own reactions. Dealing with emotions is a big part of polyamorous culture. 

There's a lot of fear and anxiety in seeing somebody you love fall in love with somebody else, and then turning around and accepting that as okay for them, okay for you, and okay for the party they love. It's not easy. It's not anything you'll get right the first, second, or seventh time around - it's an ongoing evolution of honing your emotional muscle and for re-patterning what programming you may have started out with. Polyamory is the journey pushing you on through these emotions, and hopefully inspiring growth and better self-awareness over time.

Russell
(s1m0n)

Who’s the Drama Llama?

  

Some years ago I was talking about the personality type that enjoys conflict and chaos.  They (consciously or unconsciously) sew discord wherever they go, inviting crazy people into their life to generate a storm of turmoil.  I refer to these people as “Drama Magnets”.  These people don’t necessarily generate the conflict themselves, although they might, but they consistently select for people (friends & partners) who bring drama into their life.

I had used “Drama Magnet” for a long time, and had an inventory of personality traits and common causes for this person.  This was important to me because while I like to be helpful,  I don’t want to be a rescuer.  I don’t want to try to fix something when the person doesn’t really want that thing fixed, doesn’t seek out my input, and won’t take an active role in their own self-improvement.  When I identify someone as a “Drama Magnet” I back away slowly and insulate myself from becoming too attached.  Casual friendship is about my limit with such people.

So, I was talking about “Drama Magnets” and someone asked me, “Okay, so who are these people that actually cause all of the drama?”  I began to answer, “Persecuters”, referring to Karpman’s Drama Triangle (Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer), then stopped myself, as there are other categories of drama generation beside that one cycle.  I thought about it and came up with a funny, off-the-cuff answer.

“Drama Llamas!”

While I prefer alliteration, I still thought my creation was fairly witty.  Little did I know that the phrase was already a thing.  I had no idea.  I’ve found references to “Drama Llama” predating 2007, and I am pretty sure I didn't make it up until 2008.

*sigh*

So, there are two people here that I’ve mentioned.  The “Drama Magnet”, a person who seeks chaos in their environment, and the “Drama Llama” who makes the crazy happen.

This article will be about neither.

The reason I went over that was to give an example for what I really wanted to talk about, and the label of “Drama Llama” is a fairly good example to work with.  What I want to write about is our use of labels as a means of attacking people we are in conflict with.

Name calling is one of a child’s first weapons.  After finding out that everyone will have an absolute fit if you hit other people, or throw rocks at someone, you learn that names are much easier to get away with.  Names are better because there is no bruising or bleeding (at least on the outside).  Because of that, you maintain some semblance of deniability.  Unless someone heard you say it, it’s your word against theirs.

“He called me a name!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Uh-huh!”

“Nuh-uh!”

… and so on.  There is a famous rhyme that children learn to attempt to inoculate them from name-calling, I imagine that it is familiar to everyone.

“Sticks and stone may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

… only, they do.  You see, name calling does hurt.  It damages different people in a variety of ways.  It is certainly not as serious as a loaded .45, but it is an activity to be taken more seriously than the above children’s rhyme implies.

I sound like some pinko socialist liberal, don’t I? 

As adults, hopefully, we’ve moved on from the more crass forms of name calling that children indulge in, but please don’t delude yourself into thinking that name calling doesn’t still exist.

“Communist!”

“War Monger!”

“Slut!”

In the BDSM community, there is a version of this as well:

“They aren’t a ‘safe’ player.”

Being called “unsafe” is a serious accusation in a community where safety is a part of their creed.  “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is one of the mantras of the community when it comes to identifying what differentiates WIITWD (What It Is That We Do) from a case of domestic violence.  Side-stepping for a moment the SSC vs. RACK argument (Risk Aware Consensual Kink, if you were curious), as RACK also acknowledges that the issue of relative safety needs to be negotiated, the point here is that if enough people, or the “right” people label you as an “unsafe player”, you’re going to be ostracized from the Leather community.

Any of these names may hurt someone’s feelings, but just as importantly, in a minority community, such labels hurt a person’s reputation.  The smaller the population you are looking at, the greater the severity of the offense.  If there are fewer people in a given community, it is more challenging to find others to connect to who haven’t heard the stories, the whispers, and that gives you an uphill climb, trying to convince people that the stories aren’t true.

Well, what if the stories are true?  Should we not speak up if someone IS an unsafe player?  I come down firmly on the side of saying that you should speak up.  I do, however, have some caveats to that injunction.  First, be certain.  Don’t spread second hand information.  If you didn’t witness it, you don’t know it happened.  Also, don’t go around gossiping needlessly.  If you are taking delight in this, you are probably doing it wrong.  If you are casually sharing information like this at the drop of a hat, you are probably doing it wrong.

So, let’s bring this back to poly.  Small community.  Check.  Reputation matters.  Check.  What is a name that people have hung around their neck?  A stereotype or claim made against them which would make them less appealing or attractive to other members of the community.

Drama Llama.

To me, Drama Magnets are just as bad, but far less commonly considered, so let’s stick with our fuzzy, spitting friend here.  What does this look like in practice?  Are there really people who go around and just start calling people Drama Llamas when they get upset with them?

Sometimes, yes, but not that often.  This idea however leaks out many other ways.

“Oh my God, (name) is a total trainwreck.  All of their relationships end up the same way.  I would never date them.”

“They have no boundaries.  I swear, every time I see them they are with someone new, and they treat them like trash.  It’s no wonder they go through partners like tissue.”

“I used to date (name) and I’m so glad I escaped.  (Other name) wasn’t so lucky, they are still together with (name).  I just hope that someday they can pull their head out, dump that loser, and get on with their life.”

All of these are ways that people in the poly community share information about someone else, with the intention of warning someone away from having a relationship with someone who they consider to be a poor potential partner.  A Drama Llama. 

Again, if this is true, if you have personal experience of this, and if you are telling someone for a reason, not just as idle gossip, then I think that such communication can be justified.  I will reflexively hesitate, however, before engaging such behavior.  I pause, sometimes for a long time, and consider carefully my words, their accuracy, and most importantly, my motivation for why I feel moved to share such information.  This is really slippery stuff.

Besmirching someone’s reputation is an act that causes real harm.  It should never be done lightly.  We should not remain quiet when someone in our community is a genuinely destructive force.  When not handled with care it’s something that sometimes stirs the pot.  It can cause strife and conflict in a situation.  In fact, if that sounds familiar, it should be.

You might be the Drama Llama.

See, this idea of being the “Community Police” is a slippery slope.  I got together with some people recently to discuss some of these ideas.  We sat down for an afternoon of discussion about the idea of how to keep a watchful eye on our community in a proactive way, and how to intercede when needed.  I was left with the feeling that such an endeavor is incredibly delicate.  It’s not that you should never share information, it’s that you need to exercise caution and no small amount of self-awareness when you do so.

One of the stories that I remember from an Anthropology class I took about 20 years ago was the inherent gotcha that shamans faced.  As a “wise” person, who knows about natural forces, spirits, and health, they are sought out as a resource when something goes wrong.  It’s up to them to fix it.  When the problem goes away, the previously afflicted gives gifts of gratitude to the shaman and the community rejoices.  The thing is, if the problem isn’t solved, if the affliction isn’t cured, if the rains don’t come, who does the community blame?  Who knows about these things such that they would be capable of casting such a powerful curse in the first place.

The shaman.

Now, that’s an imperfect metaphor for this situation, but the idea that the protector or “rescuer” can easily become the “persecutor” is common, whether we’re talking about a shaman, a military leader, or a co-dependent who is acting out on the drama triangle.

Before you go around telling people how this person or that person is a massive source of drama, check your facts, and more importantly, check yourself.  Why are you sharing this information?  Did they hurt you?  Did they hurt someone you love?  What benefit will be derived from you saying this right here and right now? 

If you can answer all of those questions satisfactorily, then okay, you are probably on firm ground.  If not, reserve your right to remain silent.  You can’t take back what you’ve said once it leaves your lips.  If you do say something that you later regret, and you go out of your way to publicly apologize and do all you can to make up for your error, there is still irreparable harm done to a reputation. 

Your own.

Somebody is Bound to Get Hurt

This recently came up at one of our polyamory discussion groups:

Can you be in a polyamorous relationship without hurting anyone?

Ironically, the question has recent resonance with me.  It was revealed this week that one of my metamours has actively tried to avoid hurting the three people he's been seeing ... by not telling anyone about his other partners.

It turns out that my partner was having a conversation with another person on OKCupid. The conversation eventually revealed that my partner and this other party were dating the same person. Woops. Surprise.

Well, my partner then texted her boyfriend for an explanation and that both of the girls were going to get together for coffee, and his response was something like, "Great! Glad to see you two meeting up." Not exactly the response she was looking for.

Meanwhile, just two weeks before that, the same guy revealed to his other longer-term partner that he was seeing my partner and it was serious. His significant other didn't realize the depth of their relationship and was shocked by it.

The effect of this was explosive. Partner A didn't realize that his entanglement with Partner B was so intense; Partner C was flabbergasted that Partner B never heard of her; Partner B was astonished that this was never brought up before; Partners A, B, and C ended up on more shaky ground than ever. Expectations and trust were shattered all the way around.

I honestly don't believe that his intention in either case was malicious. He just didn't get around to revealing his dance card with all of his partners. I'd describe his actions more of "an error of omission" than "an attempt to deceive" - he just didn't want to hurt anybody.

In love - regardless of your lifestyle (polyamorous, monogamous, or otherwise) - pain is a natural emotion in love, just the feelings of envy, jealousy, outrage, fear, sadness, or elation. Falling in love exposes our vulnerabilities; falling in love is a gamble between risk and reward; falling in love guarantees pain.

In Poly, as in any relationship model, somebody is bound to get hurt, except with Poly, we're supposed to be learning how to use communication as a way to confront challenges like these and contend with the pain. We're supposed to be confronting these problems head-on rather than attempting to dodge them.

As my metamour found out, hiding the truth (either through active deceit, omission, or cowardice) doesn't erase the truth. It won't buffer the pain. It'll only exacerbate it.

It's my feeling that in Poly there shouldn't be an attempt to deceive or omit. Honest, open, transparent relationships demands that we gather the courage to work through the emotional challenges and deal with the truth: the truth of our emotions, the truth of our commitments, the truth in our relationships. Pain will be a natural consequence of truth, but hopefully we've learned something along the way and the pain helps us grow up to be better partners.

s1m0n
(Russell)

Emotional Economics

Many people, but certainly not all, seem to arrive in polyamory as part of an established couple.  They often have a high degree of entanglement on both practical and emotional levels.  Other relationships that become part of the environment find themselves, at least at first, in the position of being a version of the "latte factor", as a financial adviser once termed it.  The latte factor is the disposable income.  The money that isn't essential for keeping one housed, fed, and clothed with the utilities on.

An established dyad in poly has an emotional household budget, and it's kind of important to make sure those benchmarks are met, otherwise your emotional home (your relationship) goes into foreclosure.   This is one of the aspects of poly that can make it feel very unsettling when a new relationship of high significance, and "cost", enters the picture.  How is the mortgage going to be paid if the money is being directed elsewhere?

There are a variety of ways to manage that situation.  The most common in my experience, is that the existing partners decide to privilege their relationship and not create space in the budget for the new relationship.  The second most common, and also pretty tragic, is that one partner decides they would rather have a mortgage with the new shiny, and exits the existing relationship.

Some people choose instead to keep their relationships smaller across the board (maybe they "rent"?), with less load on any given connection, so it's more simple to make changes to accommodate new partners.

This is looking pretty dire!  Am I saying that there is no room for anything but "latte factor", or all medium-level relationships outside of deeply involved couples in poly?  No, but it does take a LOT of work and active management from all people impacted, in my experience.

Here are a couple possibilities:

1. The existing couple decides to downsize their relationship into a "smaller house", or "refinance" into a lower interest rate.  They opt to invest a bit less intensively in their relationship to free up more resources for an expanding connection.  This isn't always a bad thing, but tricky to manage, to say the least.  A high level of mutual desire for this solution is important, or this will blow up into the first or second options, with a lot of hurt feelings, resentment, and damage for all involved. 
2. A new budget goes into place to shift payments from different accounts with the agreement, cooperation, and collaboration of all involved.  Let's say that existing partner who isn't New Shiny accepts partial payment on the emotional mortgage via shared time, and everyone is on board with that.  Some of the needs there are shifted into a different type of payment, but the lights stay on.  What if New Shiny needs more overnights to feel like their emotional overhead is covered? Perhaps a deal can be struck for co-sleeping, or shifting an existing date to an overnight to pay that bill. 

I'm sure there are many other options that people have designed to fit the needs of their emotional economics within their relationships.  Please let me know what some of your creative solutions have been to "shift the budget" and make space for an additional big relationship!

How to Navigate Rough Patches.

Note:  I wrote this a few weeks ago, and sat on it for a while before posting.  The objective here is to give a glimpse inside of those times when things aren't smooth, easy, or feeling great, and to show that even experienced poly folk have moments of difficulty with their own emotional state.  More importantly, that it's normal and recoverable.  Cut to today, and I'm back to a more usual state of joy and resilience with my relationships and metamours!

______________________________________________________________________
If only we were all enlightened, all the time.  Existing in a place of security, safety, joy, love, and compersion at all points.  Alas, I, at least, am human, with soft spots, baggage, life events, hormones, and interactions that drag things to the surface I would prefer remain neatly tucked away.

Today is one of those days.  Today I feel that having needs is "being needy".  Today I feel as though sharing means I am giving away things that I value out of obligation or fear of being told no, rather than desire.  Today I am tired of making requests. and asking for my needs to be met, because the things that I feel I need in this moment are silly, selfish, unreasonable, and not constructive, and I want them to happen spontaneously, without needing to ask.   Today, I feel like my partners being autonomous individuals, with their own wants and needs that don't always align with my own, is a burden. Today is a rough patch.

The support I have, my partners, friends, community, is all wonderful  No one is "making" me feel this way.      Everyone is acting with integrity and good intentions.  It's just where I am at at this point, for a variety of reasons, very few of which have much to do with my current relationships, and I'm not sure how to navigate my way out of this space I am in.

Being who I am, tossing in the towel and giving up isn't a viable option, nor is making demands that my brain says are illogical, or damaging to my long-term well-being, and that of my partners.  Nonetheless, the desire is there to just lock everything down so I don't have to deal, to avoid dealing with these feelings that I'm very uncomfortable with, and not handle one more single solitary thing that doesn't feel purely good at the moment. Oh!  And I kind of want it to stay that way for a while too.

So what is a reasonable person in an emotionally unreasonable space supposed to do?  Distraction is often touted as a good option, but there really isn't much as compelling to me currently as my own emotional distress.  "Being with your feelings." is another much-recommended tactic to take.  The idea being that, if one is able to observe the feelings and emotions, understanding will be close behind, and with understanding comes the ability to control or direct those feelings in a more useful direction.  Right now, it just sounds like a butt load of work. What about finding a new shiny to break things up? Dating someone to plug a hole, literally, figuratively, or emotionally, is a spectacularly bad idea, even if it would occupy some bandwidth.  So instead, I write, and I try to be around people that love me when they are available to do so, and know that this too shall pass.

What Makes Her Happy?

And please - feel free to swap out the pronoun:

What makes him happy?

Do you know? Are you sure? Have you asked? Are you clear?

What are you doing now to make her happy?

What will you do tomorrow to bring joy and happiness to him?

How are your actions - right now - contributing to her happiness?

How will this decision, this action, this moment ... bring them happiness?

Do you have a path (a plan) to provide "happy" to your partners? Not just now, or tomorrow, or next month, or the next event.

What are you doing, every day, that adds just a little more "happy" to her life?

How can you make joy exponential?

And on the other hand ...

What are you doing, every day, that diminishes her happiness?

What are you saying, every day, that hurts her?

Are you obsessing over what makes you happy?

Are you always find yourself forgetting what makes them happy? Like they're no longer in the forefront of the mind, that your partner's an afterthought?

Is your desire for happiness overshadowing his? Have you come first?

Are your actions envious, jealous, demeaning, careless and cruel?

What makes you happy?

Do you know? Are you sure? Have you thought about it? Are you clear?

Love ... is happiness. You have a role to play.

If you're not providing happiness and joy, why are you there?

Why be a cancer?

Why should anyone accept a cancer in their life?

Seek happy.

Provide happiness.

Be happy.

s1m0n

The Worst Case Scenario

When people are new to poly, they often have a "worst case scenario" that is to be avoided.  Most of the "rules" are designed to try to prevent this thing from happening.  When my previous partner and I originally opened up our relationship, and transitioned to poly, I had that "worst case scenario" in mind.  When I found myself in a counselor's office 8 years later with that tape playing out, it was devastating.  Here's my WCS-

"You are an amazing person, and I hold you in such high regard.  I love you, but I'm not "in love with you", and never have been.  You are not sexually attractive to me, and I no longer wish to be physically intimate with you.  The other relationship I've been in just gives me "more" emotionally and sexually."

This was my first love, a partner I'd been with for 15 years, the person I'd had a child with.  All the positives weren't enough. Someone else was more, and in just about every way I took pride in about myself.

There was a lot of crying.  I had a lot of support through that grieving process, and emerged the other side with strong relationships, and a stronger sense of self.  All of my current relationships have been poly from the get go, and that seems to make a lot of things easier, with less reprogramming to do.

So, when S and I were talking the other day about his new shiny, and just relationships in general, and this WCS baggage reared it's ugly head again, it was tough. One of the things I realized, and was able to finally put into words is that terminology that puts things in terms of relative value is pretty much guaranteed to set me right back into that awful emotional space in the twitch of an eye. "More.  Better. Deeper. Hotter. Most.  Best." and so on.   Don't use it with me.  Ever.

On the other hand, I'm fine with things like, "Intense. Different.  Unique. Important.  Deep. Hot."  I don't pretend that my partners don't have significant relationships, important connections with others, but comparative language is something that is a hard limit for me.

The challenge to deal with my own baggage about WCS stuff continues.  It's one of those processing things that apparently will only be taken in chunks, and will continue to pop up at inconvenient times.  Having had that experience with sexual assault as a child, where it still sometimes surfaces unexpectedly, I can recognize that this emotional trauma is something on par, although in a completely different way.

It stinks that my current partners, and my metamours, are still having to deal with trust issues and hot buttons not of their creation.  My hope is for continued patience on their part, as I keep working through this from my end.

Hi.  I'm Gina.  I've been poly for 11 years now.  The worst has happened, and I'm still standing.

Give an Inch, Earn a Mile

I’ve heard some polyfolk talk about jealousy as a wasted emotion and they go so far as to encourage others to suppress or ignore it. 

Yeah, rationally mastering scary emotions would appear to be a superior strategy. Still, most of us aren’t training to be a space ninja, either. The shit’s real and dismissing jealousy as “irrelevant” or “wasted” – or something that can be controlled through the discipline of honed personal will - doesn’t seem like a concrete plan to deal with it.

Within the scope of jealousy, people you care about really feel threatened; they really feel a loss of control; they really feel hurt; they really feel conflicted.  And in my mind, telling somebody that I care about to stuff all of that crap into a box for another day (or get over it) isn’t useful. It’s avoiding the issue. It’s dismissing them as a person and I think that sucks.

A person feeling jealousy should have the right to feel it, be acknowledged, and ask for a conversation about it from their partners. It’s a natural emotion. It’s messy, complicated, and very unavoidable. Get used to it.

Meanwhile, their partner might ask about what measures they could perform to alleviate the pain. Specifics are important. It’s not fair to play the jealousy card yet force a partner to guess as to what you need to ease your pain.

Then, finally, compromise. It’s unfair to compel any single partner into making all the sacrifices and ultimately there may not be a “fair”, balanced solution that meets everyone’s needs, but there can always be common ground or even incremental steps towards meeting everyone’s expectations.

Jealously is a real emotion. It can’t be easily repressed and it’s really unreasonable to expect it can be ignored. I personally don’t think jealousy ever goes away: if you care about somebody, there’ll always be some level of fear and insecurity surrounding their activities outside of you. Still, the intensity of those feelings can be addressed by jointly acknowledging, specifying, and compromising on controls: maybe an inch is given where a mile is earned; little bits of predictability offered over the course of a relationship can reduce fear and create stronger bonds of trust.

s1m0n

Keep Some Gas in the Tank

One of the often overlooked things, particularly in the early stages of “going poly”, or when one is experiencing a surge of NRE, is that it behooves one to keep a little metaphorical gas in one’s tank when going between partners.

Let’s say you have hot date with amazing partner A.  You are in the ZONE!  On fire!  Makin’ it happen!  You are all things wonderful in the universe for the time you are sharing!  It’s over the top, and just keeps going!  There’s deep, heart-felt conversation, amazing emotional and physical intimacy.  It’s a superlative experience by any measure.

You transition out of the date, drag your weary, yet elated, ass home, fall into bed exhausted, and wonder why partner B seems less than enthused about your mind-blowing experience.   Turns out they are getting the garbage together (usually your task), handling the plumbing issue that reared its ugly head just as you were leaving, the kid has a project due at school the next day, and the dog apparently got into something dead and smelly, which required bathing and an unexpected load of necrotic laundry.

While we all enjoy a good dose of compersion, it would take a saint of amazing proportions to not feel a bit irate at the differences in the events of the evening.   How can one turn this around?

In my experience, it is very helpful when a partner comes in from a date with something left to give.  Perhaps it’s a warm snuggle, kiss, sharing of intimacy, or just cleaning out the litter box.   Something that says, “I love you.  I’m present.” In a way that is recognizable by the receiving partner.  Just to have the ability to handle some small issue, to give some comfort or pleasure without it harshing the mellow of the previous experience.

My gf, J, often goes between her various partners in succession on the weekends, because that’s the best way for everyone to get to spend time together.  I really appreciate that she shows up to spend time with me well- groomed, smelling delightful, and with a smile on her face that is just for me.  Even if she’s tired from a previous engagement, I get something that is about our connection each and every time.

 

Where it’s gone worst is when partners wear themselves out completely with another partner, then spend a day or so recovering, with an expectation that everyone else is going to pick up the slack.  Don’t do it.  If that means you live on coffee for a day; make it happen.  If it means you cut your date “short” at the previously considered end time, even if it doesn’t feel like you’re completely done; do it.  If it means you satisfy your partner’s needs with something other than a rock hard penis; do it. If it means you put aside your need for alone time because you’ve burned those hours; do it.   Do not sacrifice one partner’s experience of you for a momentary satisfaction.

Be smart about allocating your resources.  Keep something back, if not for others, for yourself.  No one, least of all you, is served well by complete depletion.  Learn to give generously, but remember you still have bills to pay.  Reserves are important.  If a need becomes apparent, be able to rise to the challenge!

When are you ready?

With the wedding and family trip over, and D moved in, things are settling into a new trajectory for the household. It's a very positive feel around here for the most part, and will feel even more settled once the kids (our other roommate's daughter is around more in the summer) are back in school.

It seems that this is a time of blossoming opportunities, deepening of existing relationships, and looking towards further personal growth. Since D's moved in, a couple of connections are becoming burgeoning relationships. S and his other partner, A, are spending a bit more time and energy together, and taking steps forward in other ways. I'm being advised, by both S and D, as well as my daughter, that it's time for me to get back in the dating pool and find myself a girlfriend.

Since PG and I split a couple of years ago, I've been having a bit more of a challenge putting myself out there. It got more intense when S and I parted ways with JA last fall, even when considering casual connections. I haven't gone on a date with anyone new in quite some time. Part of that has been a lack of time and energy to do so, but a good chunk is just flat out fear. I've taken more of a battering on an emotional level than I care to admit, and opening myself up again is scary. I've certainly got "enough" going on to feel well-fed and fulfilled, so the motivation to push through that discomfort is a bit sketchy.

In my head, this seems simple enough: Find someone that I'm interested in connecting with, and ask them out. In execution it's looking a lot like me filtering everyone out on some minor basis so that I don't have to risk anything.

Perhaps I'm just not ready yet? I don't have a history of being dumped, so no real experience to draw off of to know when I'm not "broken" anymore by that pain. I think that's why it's called a break up now. Not because you're breaking off a relationship, but because something inside breaks when you lose an important connection. I'm not sure if that's healed, or how much, or even if it needs to be to connect again.

Happiness and optimism are my usual state of being, and that's where I live right now. The present and future hold much joy and promise, and yet I know that there is space for something/one more. How do I get over the hump and stop letting fear hold me back when so much pleasure already exists in my life? Is it just a "fake it 'til you make it" sort of challenge?

Nothing says I have to get it right immediately, or pick another life partner this month, or this year. Even if I go out with someone and it doesn't click, that doesn't need to mean pain or failure. What irks me most about this is feeling limited by my fear, so I am going to choose to move forward with a date or two, and let the cards fall where they may. One great thing about having some epic pain-based experience is that my partner selection skills feel much stronger, so I'm going to trust that to move me forward. At the end of the day, I still have the loving arms of my family to rely on. :)

Shared Time

For years now I've noticed that my happiest poly experiences involve partners who are comfortable with and enjoy sharing time with others important in my life. Yes, I absolutely enjoy and prioritize solo time as well, but someone who really likes to do things together with my child and my other partner(s) has a significant leg up on gaining additional levels of intimacy and access to my heart, among other bits. ;)

One of the things I've been enjoying lately has been watching the new HBO series, Game of Thrones with S, D and S's other partner, A. We'll do some BBQ, talk about things of import in our lives, and snuggle on the couch together while enjoying the complex storyline of the show, along with the T&A often found in such HBO originals! There's a bit of racy energy, but it's more a companionable vibe that is building appreciation of each other as individuals, the ties shared with mutual partners, and that extended family thing that is so deeply satisfying to me.

Some conversations are deeply personal, and the openness and trust shown is intimacy-building for me. While I have many community connections, letting people in closer feels more risky, so being able to take these little steps together, one meal, one episode, one hug, one discussion at a time, eases those fears.

People wonder how to build compersion? This is where it's at for me! Expend the time and energy to get to know your metamours. Start with happy healthy relationships, find something enjoyable for everyone to do together, and enjoy the fallout. Shared time isn't for everyone, but for those of us who like a more extended family or close community model of poly, it's an important building block.

Privilege

Privilege: A right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most.

This word is bandied about pretty regularly in poly circles. Endlessly debated, as though it is a bad thing in all circumstances. I have reached saturation with it. Being so tired of it, here are some of my thoughts regarding this oh-so-loaded word! ;)

Gender, spirituality, level of experience, ethnicity, body size, height, sexuality, marital status, age, introversion/extroversion, disabled, mentally diagnosed in some way, sex positive/negative, employed/unemployed/self-employed, dominant/submissive, kinky/vanilla, poly/mono. The list of things that we are supposedly privileged by is extensive, and seems to grow directly in proportion to how much someone is outside societal norms.

There are a great many of these things that are unchangeable, not chosen. That is the arena in which it seems very reasonable to make some noise about changing and have some righteous indignation about. The ones that are chosen behaviors in some ways? Do your thing, be unapologetic about it, educate others, and be prepared for some resistance.

I'm a person that chooses to be poly. Yes, on many levels I consider that to be more hard-wired than not, but I lived mono for many years quite successfully, and it was a conscious decision on my part to divert from that societally privileged state and be authentically who I am. Yes, I live in the Pacific Northwest, where poly isn't so odd. While an eyebrow may be cocked, and there are potential repercussions, I don't live in fear of being exposed. Some will see that as coming from a position of privilege. I tend to see it more as setting up my life so that it works pretty well, despite opting to do and be many things that are quite a bit outside the box.

No, it wasn't easy. Yes, I've paid significant prices for my choices. People that choose to live inside the boxes have prices they pay for their privilege as well, ones that I am unwilling to pay. The folks that spend inordinate amounts of time whinging about how they, or others that they see, are oppressed by the establishment wouldn't choose to be a part of it if they had a graven invitation.

Yes, it is important for each of us to push for changes that are personally valuable and desired. Just remember that societal norms are a moving target, and acknowledge the progress we've already made, rather than complaining that it isn't yet perfect. The 'edge' of today is the 'old hat' of tomorrow. Transformation on a broader level comes from people doing things that aren't easily accepted, and making them a working example to those who lack their perspective and experiences. Remedying ignorance, not railing about privilege, is really where the fight will be won. When more people know and understand healthy, functioning families that happen to be poly, the fear that excludes us from privileges diminishes.

How can you show someone who you are in a way that expands their mind? Who can you reach out to, in some small way, to dispel an irrational fear? Create a new attitude in each person whose life you touch by being who you are without apology or trepidation. I am privileged to be living my life on my terms, and no individual or societal expectation can change that unless I allow it.

The last 10%

When someone has been injured and they come in to see me for bodywork, it's a process of gradual improvement. There is generally a pretty steady upward curve for the first segment, and then it's down to the last 10%. The final portions of recovery are the parts that take the most time and awareness, and are usually the most frustrating. By the time the injured party is at that point in the process, they feel pretty good most of the time, and it's usually then that an important mistake happens: "You know, I've been wanting to build that retaining wall in the yard. The weather's pretty nice this weekend, so how about we just crank that out?".

The next thing I know, said client is back on the table in a condition that I may have not seen for months! When a system isn't fully healed and stabilized, doing something very strenuous can put things backwards quite a bit. It isn't because that last 10% is such a big piece of the whole, it's because that 10% is the foundation for everything else, and when it goes, everything else goes to pot in sympathy.

So, I've been thinking about this idea in connection to relationship "injuries". When there's been a trauma in a connection, taking the time to do the rehab on it is valuable, and even when things feel highly functional and positive, it may be worth considering that some of the latent injury may take time to become fully stable.

As PG and I have hit the reset button on our relationship, this is something that I want to keep in mind. To not push too hard, too quickly, to back up from something if there's a sense of strain, rather than continuing forward to prove that I can do it (whatever it is), because it may not be the right time to push ahead, because the long-term stability piece is more important to me than getting all the i's dotted, and t's crossed immediately. So, I shall attempt to allow things to find a equilibrium without managing that as actively, and listening to those little twinges before they become full-out spasms.