Scar Tissue

A couple years ago, I was going down the back steps to hop into the hot tub when I missed a step completely, and ended up falling heavily, albeit weirdly, on the front of my ankle.  Not to be overly graphic, but the cement patio scraped a section of skin about two inches around completely off, so deeply the tendons were visible at spots.  Not only did it really hurt, I was concerned about infection, and worried about working, because in my day job, I do therapeutic massage with my feet.

So, I cleaned it up the best I could, applied some antibiotic ointment, one of those big fabric bandages, and hoped for the best.  The next couple weeks in particular were a struggle to bend, extend, and push with that area of my body during work.  It took significant force of will to just do the bare minimums, and I didn't do anything at the gym, or walking, if I could help it.

Eventually, the skin began to regrow, knit together, and form a lump of scar tissue on the top of my ankle, and that became the new struggle: to keep the scar flexible as it healed, so that I didn't lose range of motion.  This is where my job became an asset to me.  Since I move my feet in more different directions in an hour than most people do in a day, the scar tissue healed well, bulky, but flexible. It is stronger than the original skin, but also takes up more space.  It used to be angry and red, but now, two years later, its mostly blends in with the paleness that is the norm for my body.

Things changed in my poly life last year.  There was the loss of a significant relationship, a major shift in my connection with my metamours, and substantial change in the way my parenting landscape works.  It felt like my whole emotional life was a gaping wound, showing my internal weaknesses, and vulnerability.  I couldn't get away from all the ways I failed myself, failed others, even if I could logically see that much of what happened was unavoidable. So, I took a big step back from community, from connection, from dating, from risk.  I holed up, and tried to keep those wounds from getting infected.  Wrapped the pain up tightly, and waited to heal.

The biggest challenge was that those hurts didn't heal up nice and neat.  They kept breaking open, and for a long time that confused me.  I was doing self-care.  I had a supportive and loving partner.  Why weren't things getting better faster?  Then it occurred to me:  The scar was getting stiff, because I wasn't using those areas of my heart that had been damaged.  I'd shut things down in a bid to protect myself, but every time I tried to move forward in some fashion, I hadn't built the flexibility to do that without pulling those wounds open.

So, I started to stretch again.  Cautiously, carefully, and consciously.  I went on a few dates, and for several months, I had limited ability to connect with anyone on a deeper level, so I'd usually flame out pretty quickly, and then take another breather before I tried again.

Eventually, I met a fellow, M, who was newer to the area, and part of a live-in quad, doing the type of poly I like to do, with an extended family feel. We connected well, and formed a solid connection. I met M's wife, and other her partner, and his wife and child.  That was all good, yet hard too, because it felt a lot like what I had, and lost, but this time, I didn't back up.  I kept stretching those wounds, and reaching out towards the people, the bonds, and the environments that feed me the most, and things started to feel a little easier.  I was moving in the direction of being a bit more fully ME again.

Over time, the desire to write, to use my voice again, has been growing.  After having things blow apart, I didn't find much value in sharing my thoughts.  It felt hypocritical to think I had anything of value to contribute.  That's started to change, so I've begun writing. Some of that content you're not likely to see anytime soon, as it's still too raw for public consumption. Perhaps someday in the medium term.  For now, some of what you'll read here is easy, and some will be more challenging. Bear with me... This post is a step in that process.

The drive to create something broadly useful within the community has reasserted itself, so I restarted the Poly Discussion Group, began a Face Book group to support that, and also moderate another poly forum. This time though, I've asked for more help, more input from the people around me to build additional structure, to contribute in ways that don't leave me feeling like this is all my ball to push uphill alone. The first meeting after taking a year off was last weekend, and it was wonderful!  Even better has been the follow through afterwards.  I'm excited and optimistic about the possibilities!

Last week M was out of town, and I got to spend some extra time with my metamour.  That stretched something in me a bit.  To have someone deliberately choose to spend their time and energy with me, even in the absence of our shared partner, because I am comforting and enjoyable to be with.  I've also gotten to spend extra time in other contexts with the other people in their household over the past couple weeks, and have deeply appreciated the extension of energy and acceptance.  Feeling like I have something to offer, to others, and to myself, is my happy place.

Choosing not to do something that feeds me because I am afraid it will be taken away is a horrid reason to stop reaching.  Yes, take time to close gaping wounds, and remain aware that the scars formed will take stretching, and management on an ongoing basis.  That's what baggage is, and whether it impedes the path forward, or gets unpacked, is up to each of us. Right now, life isn't all sunshine and puppies, but it is something I can work with,  finding the depth of resolve that drives me, and creating anew, even with these scars.

On Being Transparent

In my opinion, Polyamory just doesn't happen. It's a journey, not a condition. Nobody is perfect at being poly and it's much bigger than applying a self-affixing label.

That's why I guess I'm skeptical of people who - with a flip of a switch - suddenly say, "Oh Jesus, wow, I'm Poly!" as if they had a V8 moment and (cue Emeril) BAM! They're poly. I just don't think it happens that way. Being poly takes a lot of practice.

So I guess this is a story about my practice.

My initial run at non-monogamy was under the auspices of the default model. That's to say I was married and cheating, and that was anything but ethical, moral, or transparent. I wasn't supposed to be seeing anyone else. I didn't reveal what I was doing to my spouse because that wasn't how the cheating game was played.

So, when I came around to dabble in Polyamory, I had a lot of built-in behaviors that erred towards concealment, avoidance, and lying. I had a lot of de-programming to do.

I'm not sure if I can speak for other men but I'd be willing to bet that there's a tendency to lean more this way, particularly for those brand new to the polyamorous experience and transitioning from monogamy. There's something in you that wants to gravitate towards the cheating game.

• Maybe it felt awkward to share the details of your time with another lover;
• maybe you wanted to spare your partner hurt feelings; 
• maybe you felt your choices would be scrutinized;
• maybe some of the things you did or places you went hit a little too close to home, or could have rubbed her the wrong way;
• maybe you just felt weird about talking openly with your spouse.

Whatever. For me, it was a little of all of these things. They created some pretty bad habits.

Before I'd go on a date with somebody else, I wouldn't volunteer information to my wife on where I was going to go or do. And when I returned, I'd be hesitant to give a full accounting back to my wife.

Over the years, I've mellowed. I thought about the way that I'd want to be treated, and that's not how I'd like to be treated in those circumstances with any of my partners. These days:

• I tend to schedule with my partners in advance. Weeks or sometimes months in advance. And as you know, we share calendars through Google so we can all see our time and availability.

• Regardless, when I'm chatting with my partners in the morning, I tell my partners when I'm going to see someone. It could be a regular, established partner or somebody new, but even though it's on the calendar, I want to be clear about what's on my agenda for the day.

• If a regular partner, a lot of that person is already known and we're likely to be frisky and have sex. If it's a new person or a new date, or if I'm intending to go to a party where adult play might be involved, then I'll try to clarify what I expect will happen.

• I'll usually open up to a conversation at the point with "do you have any questions or requests?" At this point I'm trying to extend an opportunity. If any one of my partners has a particular squick, or, are just feeling a tad insecure about my activities, now's the chance to talk about expectations, boundaries ... actions that I can take that'll make them feel a little more comfortable.

• And sometimes - and you're probably thinking this - conditions change. Expectations run-afoul. The agreements that I have with my partners are to make the best choices I can then follow up with a conversation at the earliest opportunity. 

• I try to be back on time, at the time that I promised or said I'd be back, and again, if conditions change, I'm expected to call or text just to let folks know I'm okay. A good example are check-ins for arrivals and departures - I'll often text my partners to let them know when I'm back at home, or, arrived at a party, or, left a date. That way they're not hung up on what's going on.

• Then afterwards, especially if it was a new date or situation, I'll open up another dialog with my partners. How are you feeling? Here's a little of what happened - do you need to know more? Any questions for me?

Some might read what I'm doing here and shudder.

Like, OMG:TMI, or, dude, you're so pussy-whipped, or, Jesus, are you some kind of control freak to expect this out of everyone else in your life?!

Shuh.

I guess I feel that what I do here is, at foremost, trying to give a voice to my partners, and that my activities don't occur in a vacuum. They've got a say and input into what's going on. I'm also extending an opportunity to ask questions in an effort to curb jealousy, envy, or any other negative emotion through communication. I'm also trying to be transparent so that they understand where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling. Finally, I'm trying to build and reinforce trust between me and all of my partners.

Personally, I don't feel controlled or controlling. I try not to meddle too deeply into the affairs of my partners or challenge their personal autonomy. I do want to be a factor in their lives and have some insight into their feelings, their activities, and their shifting emotional landscape; I don't want to be taken by surprise.

Anyway, that's a little of what I've learned, that transparency goes a long way in being Polyamorous, and opens the doors to new possibilities and understandings about yourself and your partners. It's one more step to being truly genuine and honest, and that's the way I try to approach it.

Russell

Half Year of Shifting

Wow. So... it's been a long time since I've posted to this blog. Miss me? :)

I haven't been in a poly-philosophical place lately and continue to not be there. But I thought the readership would appreciate a glimpse into the background of what's going on in our household -- or at least for me anyway.

The following significant events have happened around me in the last six months:

* The woman who was my Heart Keeper relationship had her husband move out after their divorce finalized.

* A few weeks later, I lost my fluid-bond status with my Heart Keeper. She got into a relationship with a guy that PF and S were nervous about and that flared drama a couple months earlier.

* I went on a week's vacation during the 4th of July week with our poly family and it felt uncomfortable. I began the process of re-thinking a lot of things in my life.

* My Heart Keeper's relationship with new guy deepened even further as he assumed a more central role in her life as her fluid-bonded partner. I felt pushed more to the periphery. When I asked for equal time, it was firmly, instantly denied.

* Made the difficult decision to transition my Heart Keeper relationship from Lovers to Friends -- in the hope that we might be able to salvage emotional intimacy even if we had less physical intimacy.

* Continued my thought process about how uncomfortable I've been in this cohabiting poly situation. PF and I went through couples counseling for a few sessions and then decided to separate at the end of August.

* As a part of my life re-evaluation, I sought closure about my biological father. He was an abusive alcoholic and even though my mom left with me when I was 3 years old, his absence was a significant factor in my life. So, I created a ceremony to give voice to those feelings as well as symbolically bond with what elements of him I could.

* Two weeks ago I finally accepted the fact that my Heart Keeper relationship was really over. Our transition to friends just did not feel good to me at all. Although the intent was to forge a comfortable closeness, I felt even less important to her than ever. I said goodbye to her ex-husband, children and her. The toughest Sunday I've had in a long time -- ripping four people out of my life. I loved them all in different ways.

* Almost a week ago, my oldest half-sister on my father's side died. Reminding me how little time remains for me to develop connections with my siblings on my father's side. We only re-connected 10 years ago.

----

So, here I am now. Today. Writing the first blog post I've written here in a long time. Still consider myself poly, but seriously doubting that I want to have this flavor of cohabiting polyamory. I feel a bit of an outcast for having those thoughts. After all, it feels like when you become polyamorous you sign a virtual contract to make it work no matter what. Once people have formed poly relationships, the footprint grows and changing course becomes more difficult. Once you add in more financial ties like shared expenses and housing, that footprint can feel like a suffocating snarl of responsibilities.

Where am I with my marriage? Well, we've actually had some good, connective discussions in the last week. So, things look more positive than they have in months. But things are still complicated. Both my wife and I have done things that have violated our trust in each other. And I'm still smarting from the hammer fall of a lot of recent pain.

I also don't want to slip down the destructive trail of demonizing my fellow housemates. They're both good people, doing the best they can.

Sorting through chaos

Things have been tough lately. One of my processes that I'm moving forward with is sorting through the crap that I own and selling/tossing as much as I can. Feels a lot like it did one year ago during my Summer of Chaos right before merging our two families together into this house. I did a lot of sorting/selling/tossing then too. Interesting that there's so much I missed the first time around.

Anyways... I got rid of about 75% of my button collection. Most of them from the 80's when I would geekily wear one or more on my jacket in high school. But I had to keep at least the three pictured; they resonate with me right now.

Finding What We Want

I own four leather-bound journals. They're nice: parchment paper and a ribbon page mark along the spine. I spared no expense. I bought the journals in a tumultuous part of my life with the expectation of writing something in them, and I wanted the presentation to mean something. At the time, I had an urge to write. I think I wanted to apologize.

Look, when I'm dead, someone - somewhere - is going to want an explanation. They're going to want to know who I was, where I lived, how I lived, and why I made the choices that I made. Better yet, they're going to want to know what I stood for. I thought the journals could help.

Everybody in my family tells me that I look a lot like my grandfather. Well, my grandfather died when I was 12 so I barely had a chance to know him. And as an adult, I've had questions: I wanted an explanation - who he was, what choices he made, what he stood for. If I'm so much like him, it stands to reason that knowing my grandfather could be an "Idiot's Guide" to me. Could have been useful. Still, nobody had much of anything. Just memories.

Some choose to live in a space outside of themselves: looking in and watching. Kind of like watching television or the warped reflection of life on the rippling surface of a pond. Journals are like that. Instead of living in the moment, you become the archivist of the past; they give you an opportunity to critical debate what you see. What you have, what you don't have... what you could have; where you went; what potential was wasted in the time you had.

A little journaling is healthy. Insightfulness about yourself might spur corrective action. We can learn from our mistakes, take change seriously and make better choices. Yet, too much could be distracting and risking obsessive behavior: re-writing our past to make it more presentable to the future audience; conveniently repackaging facts; absently forgetting what you've got. It is too easy: instead of the journal reflecting on the goodness of life, the journal runs the risk of lamenting the life you don't lead, or, serving as a fantasy to distract us from the life - the good life - we've got.

The journal keeps us from finding what we want by obscuring what we've already got.

Maybe that's why my grandfather never left me any explanations or apologies. No trace but the ethereal of memory. Maybe he was too busy living the life he had and appreciating it for what it was, and I'm supposed to sort it out on my own.

s1m0n

The Invitation

So, here I am transfixed in wonder. I'm in awe over connecting with so many great people in my life right now. Every word is appreciated and every touch important to me. If I've talked or emailed with you in the last two weeks, I bid you a special thanks.

I'm coping with a relationship transition and a realization that I need to improve a few things about myself. As I smooth out each emotional flutter, my world progressively stabilizes and the way forward becomes more relaxed. I believe I'm getting better at preserving my open heart through troubled waters.

One of my friends shared something recently that resonated with me. I invite your heart to dwell on the words below...

SOURCE: http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/prose/oriah_mountain_dreamer/invitation/

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Breaking up with a metamour

The past several years have seen several iterations of connection between myself and my partner's partner. We've been friends, lovers, Domme/sub, and care about the same person. One thing that has remained pretty constant has been that I've seen her as family, which isn't something I extend easily or often to anyone.

Over the past year there have been a lot of changes in her personal landscape, and the ways that she approaches relationships have shifted to the point where it doesn't feel like the "poly family" approach is working any longer. It seems apparent that I need to adjust my thinking to accommodate those shifts, and "break-up" with my metamour.

While we don't have a direct relationship with each other at this time, there is a sense of loss around this for me. I guess I am pretty attached to the ideal of sharing a bond with the people I have partners in common with, at least with one that is so close to the inner workings of our lives. She's also someone that I care for and respect, although we differ in many ways.

What does this look like? As far as practical stuff, not much. It's letting go of that sense of openness, of concern, the attempts to bring someone closer, and honor that they are perfectly content to be further away, and not involved in the "friends and family"model of poly by choice.

It's largely semantics, but there is a sense of closure that is important in the way that my emotional resources are spent and reserved. They'll continue to date however they choose, without investment from me in that dynamic.

I'm sad, but hopeful that this will bring a measure of ease that has been absent for quite some time with this person, and with myself.