Make Giving Your Kink

When introducing myself in discussion groups, I will often say that I’ve got no issues. It’s kind of a joke and it earns a good chuckle. My life’s pretty great. I figure my problems are pretty inconsequential as compared to the problems others.  The bottom line is that I’ve really got nothing to bitch about.

This week’s been fairly hard on my friends and extended family.  Parenting negotiations between my wife and her ex-husband introduced significant emotional challenges early in the week; missed expectations rattled a few of my friend’s relationships and sent them into a tailspin of anxiety following a party last weekend; another learned of an MS diagnosis; another friend had not one car break down on her but two – and just on the eve of starting a new job - while another struggles another week unemployed.

In the thick of problems and desires, it may be hard for us to really listen to our partners and lovers are telling us. Events like these … they’re like an explosion. Our senses are overwhelmed. We seek cover. There’s a ringing in our ears.

·      Sometimes it’s the drone of a conversation that we’ve been having for months that hasn’t found a resolution;

·      Sometimes it’s a long hurt that’s turned defensive;

·      Sometimes it’s heartbreak or the ache of lost love;

·      Sometimes it’s missed expectations and frustration over not getting what we want;

·      Sometimes it’s our own anxiety and fear about who we are, the kind of people we want to be, and the commitments we’re willing to make.

In the thick of our problems and desires, that’s the time for our greatest compassion. To pause, breathe, listen, and give. Give. Give in the form of your time, your energy, your patience, your forgiveness, your mentoring, your effort, your assets, your attention, your kindness, your love and caring, your check-in, your stable hand.

It’s tough. We’re hurt, too, but if you can, in a moment of crisis: pause, breathe, listen, and give.

Giving won’t solve everybody’s problem. You can’t and won’t heal all of the damage caused by the bombs that detonated in their lives. It won’t fix anything. Rather, at that moment, giving will erect a bridge to cross from fear, anxiety, and isolation, to a paved path of community, safety, and acceptance.

s1m0n

Harlot Nouveau!

A month or so back there was a big flap over a police officer in Canada who stated that a woman who was raped was at least partly at fault, due to her clothing choices. This spurred a huge outpouring of outrage with the "If you dress like that, you're asking for bad things to happen to you." concept. The Slut Walk was born!

Women and men all over organized in their skimpiest of outfits and walked the streets in support of the right to wear whatever (or not!) they chose without fearing victimization by predatory elements, and that law enforcement should do just that, enforce the laws protecting citizenry, without regard to attire.

I live in an area of the country that is quite progressive. Public nudity in Portland is perfectly legal, as long as there is no lewd behavior involved. I like that, even if I don't hop on my bike and join the World Naked Bike Ride. ;)

S and I frequent a public hot tub and wellness cooperative that is clothing optional. When we first began dating, the idea of being nude in public was actually pretty daunting for him. At this point, there's a sense of disappointment involved with needing clothes. One of the key features that we're both interested in with looking at getting a hot tub at the house is to have the clothing optional option without having to truck over to Portland, and sharing that with our friends and partners.

At work, my look is quite sporty. Easy-moving fabrics, short sleeves, capri length pants. It's important to be able to stretch and move without challenge. Function above form. When I'm at business events, it's more formal and dressy. Sometimes heels and hosiery are employed. Often skirts and dresses are part of the scene. Then there is what gets worn when I'm going out on for dates and social events. Once described as "Harlot Nouveau", it usually features quite an expanse of leg, some cleavage, and colors and fabrics that aren't part of everyday wear.

When I am dressed up, I feel powerful, sexy, alluring, flirty, dangerous. Look at me or not, like it or not, it's what I'm up to at that moment in time. Some of my partners enjoy it, some are neutral. Any way you slice it, it's part of what's enjoyable for me in dating: dressing the part.

Recently, my kinky male roommate, who likes to do some cross dressing, asked me to go shopping with him. We have no relationship with each other, so I've got to assume there is some level of, "I like your look, and want to shop with you!" going on. That, or I'm really a fashion disaster that he's attempting to redirect. ;)

Poly Myers-Briggs.

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Poly meets Kink!

There is a noticeable tendency towards poly folk also identifying with some sort of additional type of "alternative lifestyle". One of the more commonly seen ones is kink/bdsm. It's been something that I've gradually delved into myself over the past several years, and find to be an element of my relationships that enhances the overall structures.

There can be a point of concern when the egalitarian poly outlook bumps up against the Dominance/submission element within a relationship that is both poly and kinky. S and I are both pretty switchy, so we just sort of pass the baton around on a physical level, and keep the relationship dynamics piece pretty neutral. D and I, on the other hand, have a pretty strong element of D/s in addition to sadomasochism, and poly.

This has all been going rather swimmingly, with only a few minor twitches where shifting from a role of Dominance/submission into being a self-advocating partner seemed a bit clunky for either D or I. In fact, the smoothness of those transitions led me to a place of feeling quite comfortable deepening that dynamic, so I recently "collared" D as my submissive. That wasn't something lightly undertaken by either of us, and one of the key conversations surrounding that choice was how/what differences might be seen within our poly framework by me stepping more fully into a role of Dominance, and he into one of submission to me.

What it boiled down to for us was that D/s doesn't replace agency and self-determination. I can be in charge, and still require D to participate fully in the relationship dynamic as a responsible partner. Part of his submission to me involves looking towards the well-being of the relationship as a whole. Submission isn't a license to put all the responsibility for making things go on my shoulders. For me, being at the wheel doesn't mean that a navigator isn't useful in getting to mutually agreed-upon destinations, or that I get to ignore it when my navigator lets me know that the road ahead is likely to be bumpy, it just means I get to pick the route that seems best, and if I flub things up, it's incumbent on me to get things back onto a useful track.

Poly and kink can coexist quite comfortably, as long as no one is abdicating responsibility towards themselves, or to the relationship as a whole. If something were to come up that was a significant sticking point, D and I agreed to have the poly model as the fallback position for conflict resolution. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy the reality of an eager, responsive sub that is choosing to be at my disposal as required, and all the responsibilities and satisfactions that go along with that, as well as valuing a loved poly partner!