Defining Marriage From the Inside Out.

About a month ago we had a camera crew parked out here for three days, documenting our lives together, asking questions about how things worked, what was easy, difficult, and lots of general queries that boiled down to, "Why?".

One of the points that came up repeatedly was about being poly AND married.  Why, in a non-monogamous landscape, where we have been poly from Day 1 of our relationship, did S and I choose to get married?  There are a lot of practical reasons.  Things like financial advantages, legal protections, labels that are easily understood by society at large and usable by my daughter, all played a part in the decision to marry legally.

The practical reasons aren't at the heart of the matter though.  I like being married.  My parents and grandparents are still together.  My first marriage was a happy and satisfying one for many years.  Where many people have negative connotations to the legal and social bonds that marriage brings, or see it as a purely antiquated patriarchal system, I've seen it as a positive, stable base to grow from, in tandem with someone I love.

When I got married the first time, one of the facets I appreciated deeply was the ability to choose my family.  Family of origin is a bit hit or miss.  Where I had a largely positive childhood, my inability to believe in Jesus has been an alienating factor since I was an adolescent.  I never quite fit, and the appeal of being able to choose my family in a legally binding way has been deep.

As my views on relationships have changed, so to have my views on marriage in general.  When S and I married, our vows were a bit non-standard, and in keeping with those views.   S's other partner, A, made the cake for our wedding celebration.  My other partner, PBD, was a witness, and, other than S's parents and the officiant, the only others invited to the actual ceremony were close community friends that I consider part of my extended family.   It was as poly as we could make it without adding more actual people to the marriage.   The reception was open to community members, and my former spouse and in-laws attended.

That part is just the ceremony though.  What about the marriage?  How is that different?  Why bother? When I look at S, in addition to the deep love and desire that is strong in our bond, I see someone who wants to entwine their life with mine, to do long-term planning together, to push and reach for things in tandem, to have a level of responsibility and commitment to each other that includes choosing to curtail  personal freedoms at times, in deference to the long-term goals we share, while still keeping growth and individual responsibility as a priority.  We're clear that non-monogamy is an innate part of our relationship, and that physical and emotional intimacy with others is our norm, and that one of our shared goals is the building of extended family and community together.

In short, we've defined our marriage from the inside out, not the outside in.  We steer what our marriage means to us, rather than going along with the societal norm in all things.  Is it still recognizable as a marriage in the semi-traditional sense?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  It IS what we've chosen to share with each other. Over time, it will likely shift and change, as any relationship does with time and shared experience.   Our marriage will be different 20 years from now than it is today.  We will be different as individuals, as a couple, as an extended family, and as part of the community.  I think we'll still define it as a marriage with each other, however we choose to continue to create that together.

Our Vows

I promise to give you the best of myself

and to ask of you no more than you can give.
I promise to accept you the way you are.
I fell in love with you for the qualities, abilities,

and outlook on life that you have.
I won't try to reshape you in a different image.
I promise to respect you as a person

with your own interests, desires, and needs,
and to realize that those are sometimes different,

but no less important than my own.
I promise to keep myself open to you,

to let you see through the window of my personal world

into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.
I promise to grow along with you,

to be willing to face change as we both change
in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.
And finally, I promise to love you in good times and in bad,

with all I have to give
and all I feel inside in the only way I know how...

completely and always.

When are you ready?

With the wedding and family trip over, and D moved in, things are settling into a new trajectory for the household. It's a very positive feel around here for the most part, and will feel even more settled once the kids (our other roommate's daughter is around more in the summer) are back in school.

It seems that this is a time of blossoming opportunities, deepening of existing relationships, and looking towards further personal growth. Since D's moved in, a couple of connections are becoming burgeoning relationships. S and his other partner, A, are spending a bit more time and energy together, and taking steps forward in other ways. I'm being advised, by both S and D, as well as my daughter, that it's time for me to get back in the dating pool and find myself a girlfriend.

Since PG and I split a couple of years ago, I've been having a bit more of a challenge putting myself out there. It got more intense when S and I parted ways with JA last fall, even when considering casual connections. I haven't gone on a date with anyone new in quite some time. Part of that has been a lack of time and energy to do so, but a good chunk is just flat out fear. I've taken more of a battering on an emotional level than I care to admit, and opening myself up again is scary. I've certainly got "enough" going on to feel well-fed and fulfilled, so the motivation to push through that discomfort is a bit sketchy.

In my head, this seems simple enough: Find someone that I'm interested in connecting with, and ask them out. In execution it's looking a lot like me filtering everyone out on some minor basis so that I don't have to risk anything.

Perhaps I'm just not ready yet? I don't have a history of being dumped, so no real experience to draw off of to know when I'm not "broken" anymore by that pain. I think that's why it's called a break up now. Not because you're breaking off a relationship, but because something inside breaks when you lose an important connection. I'm not sure if that's healed, or how much, or even if it needs to be to connect again.

Happiness and optimism are my usual state of being, and that's where I live right now. The present and future hold much joy and promise, and yet I know that there is space for something/one more. How do I get over the hump and stop letting fear hold me back when so much pleasure already exists in my life? Is it just a "fake it 'til you make it" sort of challenge?

Nothing says I have to get it right immediately, or pick another life partner this month, or this year. Even if I go out with someone and it doesn't click, that doesn't need to mean pain or failure. What irks me most about this is feeling limited by my fear, so I am going to choose to move forward with a date or two, and let the cards fall where they may. One great thing about having some epic pain-based experience is that my partner selection skills feel much stronger, so I'm going to trust that to move me forward. At the end of the day, I still have the loving arms of my family to rely on. :)

Reinitializing!

Whew! It's been FAR too long since last I wrote here, and changes are all around us. I'll be looking to expand more in the near future, but for now, let me give a short synopsis of the past few weeks:

• Summer began, which equals more time spent in active parenting, schlepping the kiddo from one place to another, and creating opportunities for recreation and growth, all while keeping up with my work schedule, and the rest of everything that has been going on. Frankly, summertime is exhausting!
• S's parents were visiting in advance of our wedding. This involved some Q&A about why we are choosing to get married if we're "still doing that poly thing", a trip to the beach, several family dinners, and an attempt at bonding over pedicures.
• S and I got married! More on this later, but for now, let's just say that even a small home wedding with mostly friends in attendance takes a lot of energy and time to set up and execute.
• We went on a short honeymoon, which was delightful, and hatched a scheme for future planning that includes finding a property on the coast that we can share with the community as a vacation/retreat spot.
• D decided that he was ready to look at moving into the house with us! Both my daughter and S had brought this up as an idea previously, and it'd been bandied about for a while. Now was the time! We got the preliminaries started, I cleared space for him to move into, and then I had to leave again.
• Family trip to Michigan to introduce S to my extended family. This was the first time I'd been back since PG and I split, and here I come with a new spouse and my Pacific NW ways! A bit over a week spent there, with family gatherings, visits to Amish farms, amusement park trips to celebrate daughter's 1oth birthday, much time immersed in "lake culture", and being fed excessively.
• Came back home, and the next day helped D move his big stuff. Secured an extra refrigerator to accomodate the increase in people in the house.

So yeah, it's been a busy month, and I'll be picking out pieces to focus on in more depth in the upcoming weeks. Thank you all for your patience as we sort out all these shifts! It's been wild ride, but the trajectory is feeling really great!

Weddings, Marriage, and Poly.

The cat is out of the bag: S and I have decided to tie the knot this summer! It's been a very interesting process getting to this point, and then also noticing the responses that others have to the news. It isn't that the opinions of others impact our decision, but it's still intriguing...

D was overtly pleased, and seems to feel this is a good choice for me. My prospective in-laws are pleased that they have something convenient to call me, after years of trying to figure out a title. My ex-mother-in-law (or as I now consider her, my mother-in-love), was supportive and concerned about potential impact on her grandchild. PG was pleasant and kind. Business associates were a bit surprised, but overall positive. My parents were less than excited, largely because they filter things through the lens of their own values and life experiences, and it seems precipitous to them to marry again within a year of the formalization of the divorce. My main concern was how this might impact the kiddo, who's been struggling with the transition of having two households.

I had some apprehension opening up that conversation, but it went quite smoothly! My daughter wanted to talk about what will happen with my name, and have input on that decision. She was also concerned about securing a pretty dress, a fancy cake, and some punch that isn't carbonated for the party after the legal stuff is completed. She wanted to make sure that no parents were going away, that S is looking to be my spouse, and not her dad. In some way, it seemed to be reassuring, since our household would look more "normal", and she'd have an easy way to describe people in her home that's readily recognizable to her peers.

We announced the upcoming nuptials at one of the local poly discussion groups last night, and had a nice warm response. It seemed a bit puzzling to some folks though, as formal marriage seems to have a semi-bad rap among the poly crowd in general. Why would we want to do this? Why not just keep things informal?

There are many answers for that question for me. High on the list are the significant legal and financial protections, rights, privileges and responsibilities marriage brings that, although they can largely be arranged through other legal channels, are much more expedient and inexpensive to line up through marriage. It shows our intention on the importance and priority of the loving connection we share. When it comes down to it, I like being married, having a spouse, and being a wife, and S is a wonderful partner to share those things with. The social and cultural reinforcement doesn't hurt either. For me, it would be better to expand out who can have these benefits, rather than opt out entirely because the institution doesn't look precisely as I would like it to.

Becoming married this time doesn't feel exclusive. I think that, having been poly the entire duration of our relationship, it's easier to continue that way, without needing to unlearn proprietary behaviours. We are still looking to take a hiatus on adding in new factors at this point, but are still staying socially engaged. I look forward to our next adventures and growth together. Thank you, S, for saying "yes"!