Cheating Cheaters

It's no big secret that one of the main avenues for people entering poly is via cheating on an existing partner.   Often, people having an affair, who still have feelings and investment within their vintage connection, find that they no longer are satisfied with the lying, the division in their life and personal ethics, and choose to "come clean", attempting to open up into a more ethically non-monogamous environment.  It usually ends in spectacular disaster, often permanently ending relationships.  There are vows to never go back to monogamy, or assertations that poly is a force for destruction, and a tool for people to cheat, and put a pleasant face on it.  Sometimes, the storm is weathered, and people come out the other side stronger and more dedicated, with a new shared vision.

It's an inconvenient truth that cheating doesn't always stop once one becomes poly, and is something we would rather not discuss.  After all, a main differentiation point for poly is that WE are honest in our dealings within our relationships, so cheating behavior is pretty thoroughly scorned, disavowed, and abhored within our community.  Still, it's certainly not unheard of for people who would prefer to think of themselves as ethically non-monogamous to backslide in those ethical ideals, and stray towards cheating behaviors. 

It's confused me.  We're poly!  Our current relationships are all set up that way. We have all this freedom!  Why fuck it up? Why would one ever choose to skip the consent and information sharing section in favor of deceit and deliberate damaging of trust built in their life? Here are a few ideas I've observed being bandied about: 

I'm not willing to do the work to integrate a new person into my existing life.  Either there's a lack of communication skills with one or more involved, or a difference in poly styles that makes the new person incompatible with what currently exists.

I get off on having a Dirty Little Secret.  It feels naughty, taboo, and there is still a charge there, the thrill of having a secret, getting away with something.

It's just faster to get what I want, right now, without the "burden" of consent.  I want what I want, and I want it now!!!  Why should I take the time to send that text message to my partners, or delay the gratification I seek in the now?  I'm a free person, and I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, and I'm not sure this opportunity will be there again, if I wait. 

I still feel like it's "wrong/selfish" to desire another person.  There are often mono societal tapes playing in the background, usually with everyone involved, that lead towards guilt.  What they don't know, won't hurt them!

I'm doing this for the protection of my existing partner(s).  They're sick/pregnant/unable to consent in some fashion.  It's finals week.  The timing is just awful.  Seriously.  It'd be selfish for me to bring this up right now.  I'll double back later. 

I've made an agreement that I didn't really desire personally, and don't know how to/if it can be successfully renegotiated.  This one is tricky.  You said yes, and often those sorts of agreements are made to protect your existing partner from something that is hard for them to do, and something you understand the reasons behind.  To change those agreements will take buy in from your existing partner(s), and you may not feel confident in their willingness to do that, or your own worthiness of their effort in this regard. 

I fear that a current partner might look at my new dating choice and feel like I'm missing something major that would preclude that being a good idea to pursue; the Jiminy Cricket Effect.  Most of us are aware that our own judgment can be skewed in the early stages of a relationship, and we may very well be ignoring major, flashing, neon signs that read, "Path to destruction!".  It's harder to ignore those signs when an outside, loved, and trusted source, is pointing them out to you, and also mentioning that they are likely to harmed in this as well.  Better to just sidestep that inconvenience...

There's a semi-comprehensive list of reasons for cheating in poly! Wasn't that fun? That whole section is just a recitation of justifications for poor behavior.  It's bullshit rationalizing to get your own way, without considering larger ramifications. If your brain, or body part of your choice, is headed down any of these pathways, back up the boat!

I've never regretted putting off sex, or not moving faster in a new relationship to attend to the needs of my current partners and relationships, even when I'm crawling out of my skin with NRE.  It's a big old lie based in scarcity thinking that everything worth having must be had NOW, or it will evaporate into the ether. Take the time! Do the work! Get some new skills, if you're in over your head!  Find a mentor!  If you're unable to renegotiate, move out of the current relationship before you embark on the next!  Delayed gratification will not kill you.  Hold the line.  Don't cheat. 

Emotional Transportation

Let's talk cars!  I'm not much of a car person, or haven't been until the past couple years.  It's transportation.  Get me from A to B reliably, with an eye towards cost containment.  Some people seem to feel a bond to their vehicle that is inexplicable to me.  It becomes an extension of their person, their ego, sometimes even their sexual identity, or verility.  

There are many different approaches to cars and such, and most people seem to have some pattern to their preferences.  The rental, the lease, the fix-up project, the classic/vintage, public transportation, self-propelled, and the buy-then-drive-it-until-the-wheels-fall-off. Historically, I've been the wheels-fall-off type.  Upon reflection, I realize that is very similar to my approach to relationships, in general. While I have exited relationships that were "totaled", that moving beyond is usually preceded by a significant amount of repair work, and attempts to get things running well again. 

It's worth trying to understand about the people you are connecting with what their approach to "emotional transportation" is.   Do they enjoy a simple lease program, where one pops it back to the dealer in 2-3 years, trying not to put too many miles on it, and relatively free from the burden of upkeep?  Do they enjoy a good project car, where the joy is in tinkering with it, fixing it, making it better, but only taking it out when the weather is fine, and there's an appreciative audience to ooh and ahh over how shiny it is? Do they like a good spin at the wheel of a rental, with that new car smell, lots of flexibility on the mileage, drive it hard, and turn the keys back over? Perhaps they're a more community-minded public transit sort, such that they want to get on and off at will, without the pressures of ownership, more an open zone on an as needed basis? Maybe they like to buy a vehicle, keep it for years, upkeep it well, and aren't too concerned if it no longer has the same sheen to the paint job, or if there are some quirks to daily operation?  

There's room in poly for all these types, and some blend well, but if you're someone who seeks a wheels-fall-off connection, try to be cognizant if you're falling for someone who is more geared for a lease or rental.  Some people find little value in approaching relationships with longevity as a priority, living for maximal value in the moment, and when that moment has passed, open to the next ride.  

Poly 101: Fluid Bonding

Lately, I've been writing some 101 articles for the blog; you can find them using the poly101 label on the site. In this article, I'm addressing a key idea behind polyamorous relationships.

I cannot think of a more difficult 101 topic to write about than fluid bonding. It's also one of the more emotionally-charged concepts in polyamory because it speaks to a very vulnerable aspect of intimacy.

If there were a standard definition to fluid bonding in Polyamory, I'd try to frame it as the ongoing practice of having unprotected sex with an established partner. A couple of points on this:

1. You'll notice that I've placed emphasis on an established partner. Fluid bonding in most Polyamorous circles is a term used to describe an intimate, long-term interest in someone.

2. You'll also notice that I've avoided saying "intercourse" or PIV (Penis In Vagina). Fluids, such as they are, can be exchanged in many ways. My wife, for instance, is a heavy squirter: unless you're wearing goggles, sporting a snorkel, and are donning a latex body suit, you're pretty much exchanging fluids with the girl, even if you're not penetrating her. Unprotected sex could mean many things to many people. It's an assumption to think we're just talking about intercourse here.

3. Unprotected sex is precisely that: no barriers. Still, that doesn't mean barriers may not be used for extra precautions during, say, heightened concerns over risk factors, HSV2 outbreaks, specific forms of contraceptives, or elevated pregnancy risks. It's not an absolute designation to people that dismisses all barriers at all times.

In Polyamorous circles, the "fluid bonding" connotation carries a lot of weight.

For starters, it recognizes someone as a serious, long-term, intimate partner. It's a big fat flag that says this person is super-special in your life.

Next, it places a lot of trust in someone. They're being trusted to follow mutually agreed-upon controls around their sexual activities. Those rules in place to protect the dyad directly impacted by the breach of those agreements, and, everyone interconnected to the dyad. Polyamory being what it is, a single breach of conduct by one person could expose a network of six, eight, or ten other individuals. That's a lot of trust. That's why fluid bonding discussions will quickly expand beyond the dyad to everyone in an extended Polyamorous network.

It represents a degree of risk. There's always an exposure risk to Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI's)  that requires monitoring and control.  If anyone in the bonded network has a change in status - they're seeing new people, are trying new activities, have a condom failure, what have you - this could potentially introduce elevated risk factors.

Further, fluid bonding has an emotional component. When my wife and I started discussing the possibility of my fluid bonding with my girlfriend, Camille, Gina had a difficult emotional response. Why? Well, it's special. Fluid bonding is a privilege of committed intimacy. If I were to fluid bond with my girlfriend, that would detract from the perception of special my wife has over our relationship. It's an extra level of vulnerability experienced by my wife and a perceived risk to her.  In a way,  I think she'd say that I'm taking something away from her and sharing it with my girlfriend. That's a tough emotional road to negotiate. It took around three months of discussion among the three of us, and, with Camille's other partner, to work out the kinks.

Fluid bonding is hopefully a time-tested, reasoned decision - a conclusion reached after a reasonable amount of time. NRE can cloud the mind. People can jump irrationally into fluid bonding without considering the ramifications.

Finally - and on this point I may catch a lot of flack - fluid bonding represents an agreement ... not just between the dyad ... but with everyone in the network. Fluid bonding affects everyone.  In Polyamory, it takes a unilateral decision usually made by just two people and turns it into an exercise in group consensus. This can be a significant point of contention. I've been in very difficult conversations where a metamour was pleading for fluid bonding status with someone that others in the network didn't trust; I've also been in conversations where a metamour had an STI scare within our network. None of these things were fun and pleasant.

It's my opinion that fluid bonding is a symbol of privilege in Polyamory. For better or worse, it reflects your level of intimacy and your "voting rights" in a Polyamorous network. Within my circles, fluid bonding status isn't conveyed all-willy-nilly-like. Instead, it's a negotiation involving all of my network. This may be practiced quite differently elsewhere - other Polyamorous types may even bristle at the idea of others within a network having such control over their personal sexual decisions. That's a distinction in my network but it's not altogether unheard of. Polyfidelity, for example, reflects a closed group of Polyamorous people who've sealed off their network to create a STI firewall. I'd suggest we're not Polyfidelitious but tend to work through fluid bonding decisions over a course of months. I suspect this is slower than most.

Fluid bonding conversations would (hopefully) look a lot like pre-negotiated sex conversations:

• Who else are you fluid bonded with?
• What is your current STI status?
• Method of contraception?
• When were you last tested? How often do you get tested? Can I see the results?
• What were the results of your last physical exam? Anything abnormal?
• What are your risk factors and how do you control them?
• All of the above ... as it applies to your fluid-bonded partners?
• Do you agree with what my ideas are about sex?
• Do you agree with what my ideas are about safe sex?
• What types of sex constitutes the use of barriers?
• How will we talk to each other about STI's and other issues? And how frequently?
• When will you disclose problems with barrier usage? Or having sex with somebody new?
• What about your partners? How frequently and readily do they disclose this stuff with you?
• Are you willing to have conversations about this with my other partners? Their partners?
• How could we back out of being fluid bonded? What would the circumstances look like if that was no longer viable?
• Can I answer any questions your partners may have about me?

Tricky, huh? Yet absolutely necessary.

You know, it's funny.

When I announced that I was Polyamorous to my parents, their most immediate concern was how I controlled for STI's. Because, as you know, the Heathen world I live in is crawling with them.

Well, my first response was that I pick good people: people I can trust and who're going to be open, honest, and straight-forward with me on everything having to do with sex.

I'd venture to say that's eighty percent of the solution to managing risks associated with fluid bonding in Polyamory. Tune your picker. The other 20-percent may be processes, expectations, and commitment. If you can't have open, honest conversations about sex - with people you love and supposedly love you - and trust somebody to be your selfless advocate in difficult times, then maybe you shouldn't be considering fluid bonding with that person in the first place?

s1m0n
(Russell)

The Big Poly Question

Within the past year, Camille has become a very significant part of Russell's life.  Mine too, to a large degree.  While we aren't direct partners, we have a "Meta-and-more!" sort of connection.  Honestly, it's just a smidgen creepy/cool!.  We pick out the same tea off a 20 page menu, often finish sentences the same, and have some very significant overlap in physical and emotional responses.

The challenge is trying to figure out the Big Poly Question:  How do two things that are so big (each of our individual relationships with Russell) occupy the same space and time without someone ending up downsized, or on the outside?  

We are three high-contact extroverts, and not a one of us would rather be on our own for any significant length of time.  We all value our time as dyads, as well as enjoying shared time, and get along pretty famously.    There are a lot of things that are unique to each relationship, and plenty of shared space in the Venn diagram.  There are a myriad of things going well.  We have strong communication skills, mutual respect, love, shared explicit commitment to the health of each relationship, a supportive and positive attitude with each other, and similar ideas on how we define poly.  Yet, this is still the most terrifying thing I've ever tried to do as a poly person.

Poly is easier when the emotions involved are softer, less encompassing, more amenable to compartmentalization.  What happens when, for any one dyad to get what it needs, someone is left out?

There are several strategies that people employ to work through this.

Get a new partner, or expand an existing relationship.

Sounds good in theory, but isn't likely to be effective if one is using the new relationship as a stop-gap or replacement for the emotional intimacy and time that is desired with a specific person.  Existing and new relationships are at a particular level for many reasons.  Pushing that dial up significantly may be temporarily effective, but isn't likely to stick.   It's an artificial solution to an on-going deficiency. On the other hand, it can be good if there is suddenly space for a new connection to form, or an existing one to expand into!   Be cautious about keeping your emotional landscape clean on this, as using someone to fill a hole (or two...) isn't particularly ethical outside of explicit agreements.

Learn to be more content on your own. 

If only at least one of us was an introvert!  Alas, we are all avowed extroverts, and the best I personally have been able to get to is that time on my own while "everyone else is out on a date" is less like a punishment than it used to be.  It grates against my sensibilities.

I've gotten more solid with practice, but it's still neutral/negative for the most part.  This isn't anything new.  I seem wired this way, and more strongly than I would prefer.  It looks like neediness, but is just a baseline for how much attention and contact I like.

There are people that become poly to create time for themselves.  They want lots of alone time, project space, or less of a sense of responsibility towards their partner by sharing the load.  This isn't me.  I would be happiest with almost no time "alone", even if the ratio were slanted towards shared time doing different things in the same space at the same time.

Downsize the relationship. 

There are points where you begin a new thing that eclipses what has come before.  Your standards raise, and your expectations shift to a level that isn't achievable by the earlier connection.  There isn't a way to bring it along, to lift it up that high.

It may be strictly a "time over target" issue. Sometimes less time equals less relationship. There are a great many reasons this may happen, but it tends to be messier and more hurtful when it is due to a new relationship, rather than a change in life circumstances.

Leave the relationship.

The final stop on the "my needs aren't being met in this relationship any longer" train.  One that may have very little to do with whether the involved parties love each other.  There can come a point where paths have diverged, and the available resources just don't support continuing to call the shared connection a "relationship" any longer.

So, how DO we do this?  I wish I had a nice pat answer to deliver.  For us, at this moment, it looks like lots of patience with each other, forgiveness our own responses, and compassion for when any one, two, or all of us, are feeling way out in the deep end treading water desperately.

We spend a good chunk of time together, and accept that it's part of the relationship landscape we are choosing to inhabit.  

We prioritize time spent within our individual dyads, including the ones we aren't part of.  I can't recall a single date that has been cancelled due to someone having an emotional breakdown, or a mysterious illness that lasts just long enough to throw a wrench in plans.

We share with each other when something is challenging, even when it feels vulnerable or awkward to do so. Especially when it feels vulnerable or awkward to do so.

We try things out, without an expectation that this single event, or month of experimentation, will set a precedent that must continue.  This allows us to be more bold in pushing our boundaries, as the risk of getting locked into something that sounded good on paper, but turned out to be more challenging in reality, is lowered.

We strive towards a high level of collaboration, coordination, and inclusion in activities, plans, and sharing the general stuff of life with each other.

There is no closet.  When we are out together, we are out together.  No excuses.

And we have lots of great sex!  Okay, I'm poly.  I know I'm not supposed to talk about sex, or prioritize it, because it's all about the emotional bonds, but we have awesome sex.  It helps.  Within the dyads, and within the three person dynamic we share, sex is a favored way of relating.  It helps break up all the hours of processing our complex feelings, and reestablishes connection when things have been difficult.

There isn't a map for this.  I don't personally know any poly triads with this personality blend, and level of emotional intensity, that do poly this way, making it work.  We're figuring it out one day at a time, but it feels less scary than it did 6 months ago, largely because I know, soul deep, that we are each putting into the pot to create a shared experience that is as balanced as we can make it, without leaving anyone behind.

Trees and Poly

We've all seen it, if we've been around poly folk over time:  Apparently strong couple, with great relationship skills, probably even poly relationship experience, who are in love with each other.  One of them finds a new partner, falls deeply in love, and goes over the edge into NRE/limerance, leading to the demise of the original couple.   It's sad, it's tragic, it's regrettable,  it's a mistake I have made, and, in my opinion, preventable.

Let's say you have planted a tree.  You provide the tree with a certain amount of water, sunlight and food.   You've been tending it for years.  The tree has grown beautiful and strong, with branches that spread, roots that spread and dive deeply in the ground, glossy leaves that drink in the sunshine, and you feel pride and joy as you look at it, listening to the wind rustle through the leaves.

You find a lovely sapling, and decide that you want to plant it too.  You dig a hole and set it next to your other tree.  It's so different than your other tree, so very special.  You pour yourself into learning how to best care for your new tree.  Lavish it with fancy plant food, all the water it can drink, and the best spot in the sunshine.  It's thriving!  You feel happy and proud.

After a while you notice that the first tree is looking a little lackluster.  The branches are drooping, and the leaves are starting to drop off.  Thinking back, you realize it's been a while since you watered it, pruned it, gave it food, or rotated it into the sunshine.  You stick a hose on it for a while, and work more on your new tree.  The first tree isn't doing so well, but the new sapling is looking amazing.

You decide there must be something wrong with the first tree, and opt to let nature take its course.  After all, if the roots are deep enough, surely it will survive on all the time and attention you've given it in the past. 

Do not sacrifice the health of an existing relationship to the growth of another.

Certainly, there will be a reallocation of resources, and shifting of focus that happens when a key new relationship enters the picture.  This doesn't mean your existing partner(s) should be left in a position where available resources do not sustain them.  Nor does it mean your new partner just gets left to dangle while you attend to your previous connections.  Intense NRE is difficult for most people to navigate.   Finding that balance is a process that takes time, patience with all involved, and repetition to master.  You will screw the pooch.  Your older partners will.  Your newer partner will.  It's a given.  Expect it, and form strategies for moving forward when you fall short.

Build the skill set of spending quality time and focus with your old partner(s), especially when the New Shiny is more appealing.  It can be uncomfortable in the beginning.  The imperative of desire will push you in a place where you want to spend all your time, attention and focus with your new partner.  Your older partner knows that.  Even when you're with them, there is often a lack of focus that is perceptible.  Keep going. Learning to shift gears between partners is a survival skill in polyamory.  It's ok to say, "I'm glad to be spending time with you, and I love you.  I'm also missing New Shiny right now, and feel a little conflicted." then keep spending that time, focusing on the partner you are with.

I've heard people say that the organic growth of their new relationship isn't something that should be limited, slowed down, or restricted by their pre-existing partners.  That's crap.  If you leave the station wagon in the garage for months, and only drive the sports car because it's summer, and you feel cooler driving it, don't be surprised that the station wagon won't start up when the rains come.  The battery dies.  The spark goes away.

Make the changes you need to to grow your new relationships, but be mindful that you aren't cutting off  your existing partner(s) to do so.   If you are fortunate, even your new partner will want you to keep the rest of your relationship sphere happy and healthy, and be willing to miss you at times to make sure there is space for that to happen.  Build your own personal forest.

Polyamory 101: New Relationship Energy (NRE)

I've started writing a number of Poly101 articles for the blog; you may have already read my 101 on Should I Introduce Myself as Poly, Compersion, Jealousy, and Polyamory. In this article, I'll be trying to describe a complex set of emotions often expressed in Polyamory circles called New Relationship Energy.

NRE (New Relationship Energy) is a term used to describe the intense giddiness one feels when falling in love. In poly circles, it's a term used to describe a particular state of mind that may be influencing peculiar or erratic decision-making.

In the grips of NRE, life is seen through proverbial rose-colored glasses. Everything is super-amped-up: birds sing the name of your new love; crowds spontaneously break into choreographed musical numbers with you; flowers form tiny faces and smile at you as you walk by; when you roll the dice, it's always lucky-seven; when you watch clouds form ... well, okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but it feels like this. Everything's just going your way.

Also, in the grips of NRE, you and your lover are all lovebirds and turtledoves: at social events, you will ignore everybody else and stare longingly into each others' eyes; you're seen with each other all the time - you're an "item"; hand-holding can quickly turn into giggly-heavy-petting; and the sex with this person is mind-blowing.

Language that you'll use within NRE may include colorful words like: forever, forever ever and ever, infinity, destiny, The One, The Only One, soulmates, never, always, etc. etc. ad nausium.

NRE can probably be thought of as more an observed state. Your poly friends would observe your behaviors and contribute them to your being in NRE. "Ahh. Jeremy. Right. He and Joni are on an NRE roller coaster. Zoinks." Unless you're truly hypercritical and cognizant of your own emotional states, you wouldn't likely see yourself suffering from NRE ... you're just happy and in love. 

Awww. Bliss. Ain't it cute?

Now, NRE presents some troublesome issues in poly. 

Firstly, in this emotional and mental state, you're probably not going to make the best decisions. As the Ethical Slut points out, try to avoid long-term legal agreements during this phase of a relationship: buying a house, a car, signing a lease, kids. All of this stuff has long-term ramifications, and you and your blissed-out-butt aren't exactly seeing "long-term ramifications". Hey, I'm guilty on this one: within just a month of our relationship, PF and I were out "looking" at houses together. With our kids. Yikes.

Secondly, your established partners would care to remind you that they're still there. They still love you. They're still important. They may not be the "new shiny" but they've still stuck by you for all this time and deserve just a little more attention, time, love, and respect. I think most poly partners can recognize when one of their partners are in NRE and make suitable allowances, but it can go south very quickly. You can quickly find yourself down a rabbit hole ignoring other partners which can lead to all kinds of bad. At this level, allowances and patience are thrown out the window and your pre-existing partners would insist you've "got your head up your ass". At that point it's time to wake up and start making changes. Pronto, Kemosabe.

Thirdly, there are real emotional and sexual challenges surrounding NRE. I've seen circumstances where male spouses encounter repeated and prolonged performance problems their wives after finding a new shiny. Women can also respond in similar ways - desiring a certain touch from a certain guy and nobody else will do. That kind of contention in the bedroom can be problematic. It takes a lot of talking, negotiation, and processing with all partners involved to work through these issues. It isn't easy for anybody.

Fourth, NRE is an endorphin-fueled altered state. It can be mildly addictive. Some people in poly can be described as NRE-Junkies. Either consciously or unconsciously, these are people who'll enter relationships, burn through an NRE cycle, and then - once the relationship evens-out and they're no longer getting the endorphin rush - they bow out. They dump their partner and move on to another relationship to get that high. More than just a few times will get a person noticed by a poly community and that person may become socially ostracized or, worse, they'll be flagged. Warning, warning: danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Finally, NRE must eventually fade and transition to more usual life patterns. NRE can't go on forever - the fuel and space for it to burn isn't infinite. Otherwise, that burn will be felt like a radiating heat in other areas of your life: financially, in respect to chores and other obligations to children and household, friendships and acquaintances, co-existing relationships, work. If it doesn't normalize, a relationship can start burning down other established habits, patterns, commitments ... it gets bigger, consuming what it touches. It'll consume. And force a degree of changes you never anticipated making that could be hurtful and damaging to people all around you. 

NRE is desirable. It's expected. It's the magic found in love. But in Polyamory, it's something that's seen as both a blessing and a threat. Managing your own actions and recognizing your own compromised emotional state during NRE is a hallmark of poly processing. Working through NRE-exacerbated drama is a common theme in Polyamory communication.

s1m0n
(Russell)

The NRE Bubble

New Relatiotionship Energy-  it's strong, powerful, consuming, exciting, exhilarating, anxious, giddy, and, by its nature, exclusive.  Within poly, NRE is a force for change in many ways.  It can inspire amazing growth, or fracture relationships that seemed completely solid only a short time ago.

What I think many poly people would benefit from is looking at the "exclusive" piece of NRE.  When your focus is so heavily slanted in the direction of a new shiny, it is easy to exclude your existing partners; to exclude them from your process, from your new relationship, separate yourself from the relationship you've shared, the traditions you've developed, and dive head first into the heady rush of newness, untainted by outside influence.

This is where things can go horribly awry.  When you begin to exist inside the bubble of your new relationship it often skews the rest of your life in ways that are seldom healthy.

How does one escape the gravity well of the Bubble?  Don't abandon it!  There is amazing bonding to be found in this space, things that benefit your new connection immensely.  Instead, I would like to suggest actively inviting others to join you *inside* the Bubble.  Bring your existing partners into the bond you're building, help them see and understand it in a way that doesn't leave them staring in a window from the outside.  Do things together, find common ground and interests, welcome conversation and sharing across direct relationship bounds.  Be INCLUSIVE.

When existing partners feel included, not excluded, it makes for a stronger bond with your new partner as well.  There is reality, not just the candy-sweet flow of NRE, to add tensile strength to that connection.  There is more compersion, less of a sense of loss around the changes taking place, less us versus them,  more active allies to contribute positively to the growth of the whole structure. 

You're doing it wrong!!!

I was invited to a Poly-flavored gathering this past week and looked at comments attached to the invitation. I was not familiar with the group that was hosting it and didn't know many of the people involved. Weird, given that I am fairly well connected in the area's existing Poly groups, so I assumed that this was a newer group.

It is. I found a couple of long comments posted by the organizer, and was disheartened by what I found. The longer of the two comments can be summarized as, “People who call themselves Poly, who also sometimes have sex outside of long-term relationships are ruining Polyamory's reputation. They are a problem, so I started this group so that we could ostracize them and make sure that they know they are wrong.”

Huh.

Anyone who has spent much time on Poly-related forums (or probably ANY topical forum) has run into “purists” who decry any variance from their vision of canonical interpretations of the faith. Such purists are openly mocked by many others, with pseudo-hate-filled commentary about how “Ur doin' it rong!”.

It's a reactionary cycle that distills to:

“You're wrong.”

“No, you're wrong.”

“No, I'm not. I'm right because of (x). You're wrong!”

“No, you don't know what you're talking about. I'm living proof that it works. You are so preachy!”

“You are hurting people with your acceptance of (something they think is bad)!”

“You are hurting people with your ignorant judgmental attitude, jerk!”

… and we go downhill from there. Conversation ended. Flame war initiated. This sort of thing is why I no longer post on one of the larger sources of Poly forums. I've found that more often than not, people are preemptively attacked because of previous conversations and debates that have degenerated into such a scenario. If anyone comments on a thread belonging to a certain person, someone else will chime in with a “warning” about that person, and how they are either a judgmental purist, or a dangerous threat to the community who needs to be ostracized. Sometimes both.

So, what do we do about the times where people really are doing it wrong? Is anyone doing it wrong? What would that look like? Who decides what's wrong? That's a big ballpark. I am planning on attacking that, but I'm expecting it to take a book, not a blog post. In the meantime, let's bite off something a bit smaller.

How do we short circuit this cycle?

I don't think we can prevent snarkiness and flame wars online, because people want that. It's a sad truth, but the reason that there is so much drama in certain social circles is because some people, though they adamantly deny it, not only select for needless conflict and hostility, they actually initiate it because they feed off of it. What can we do about that?

Psychology teaches us that engagement, positive or negative, can still be reinforcing. If your child is acting out, and you give in, giving them the ice cream cone (or whatever), then you are giving them positive reinforcement. They act badly and they learn (whether they are conscious of it or not) that if they act badly they get their way. This is part of Parenting 101. I would actually say it's also a part of Relationships 101. One piece of advice that I give to people frequently is to not start patterns in a new relationship that you don't want to continue for the duration of the relationship. Don't accept a situation thinking that you need to, in order to “make things work”, assuming that you “will change them later”. It's possible, but not likely.

On the other side of the coin, you might punish the child for acting badly. There are many forms of response that you see as potentially disincentivizing the behavior, however, this is often illusory. Negative reinforcement is still reinforcing the behavior. How's that? Well, if a child has an underlying desire for attention (hint: they do), and they act badly, even if you are scolding or otherwise punishing them for acting badly, you are STILL giving them your attention. They are not getting the immediate object, but they are getting what they actually are after, which is your focused attention. This is negative reinforcement. That's why the ideal solution (not that anything about parenting ever goes according to plan) is to address the behavior, set a standard for what is preferred, set a consequence, then move on as quickly as possible. If only it were that simple with children.

With adults, especially adults on internet chat forums, we have far less responsibility or connection, which allows us to look at the fundamental psychological truth mentioned above and take from it the idealized solution. When confronted by someone who is aggressive, hostile, and who we know actually wants attention, the solution is to disengage.

A common refrain in online forums is, “Don't feed the trolls.” Don't argue or fight with people who are making argumentative and aggressive commentary. They want to start a fight. They want your attention. Don't give it to them. So, if we do this, if we adopt this tactic of detaching, what is the practical consequence? What actually happens?

We detach. We don't engage. We don't speak. We are quiet.

Wait a second, that doesn't seem right. We just let them steal our voice. Why are we letting someone else prevent us from participating in a conversation that we were (presumably) gaining benefit from?

That is the path that I've taken, with one particular website, but it's only because of two mitigating factors. One, there are other places that are not so deeply dysfunctional where I can still contribute and get my needs met. Two, there are other smart, capable people who are still on that website, who are answering questions, having interesting conversations, and discussing things in a thoughtful, considered way.

I struggle with this. It feels like I'm copping out, and leaving the work to others. From what I've just written, yeah, I kinda am. I don't like that, but to keep my sanity, that's the course I've pursued heretofore. However, thinking about this, and partly in response to the excellent concepts illustrated here, I've wanted to also share some ideas about how to remain engaged, to show up, to act, and to short circuit the devolving cycle that I shared above.

It's simple, but not necessarily easy. Step 1, recognize the situation as it develops, see the bait. When you feel yourself having the urge to escalate, to make a “you” statement, stop. Use something like “The 5 Minute Rule”. Anytime you feel like posting something that has an emotional charge behind it, stop and give your self a time out for 5 minutes before hitting the Enter key.

Step 2, reflect on what your goal really is. Do you want to share an opinion to help others? Do you want to better understand someone else's position to see if you can learn from them? Do you want to show off how smart you are? Do you want to win an argument and prove how the other person is wrong? Depending on how you answer this question, you might find that you are actually a part of the problem. Maybe you have your own internal Drama Llama crying to get out. Well, you can do what you want to do, but be aware of it, and be honest with yourself about what you're doing and why.

Step 3, I would argue that NVC is a good starting point if you decide to remain engaged. If you are going to craft a response, try following these guidelines:

• Don't address the other person. Address the concept.


• Don't say what is right or wrong without a willingness to cite an external, objective source. Math works well. Another discipline, such as Psychology, Physics, or English might also work, but at this point you will need to provide a citation or claim a certain level of knowledge, and then back it up with some explanation. Don't start here unless you're willing to follow through.

Often it's better to simply say, “For me, I've found...”, or “In my experience...” and make your statement far more gentle. Yes, you're allowing room for the other person to not acknowledge that you are right. Is that a problem? What was your answer in Step 2 above? Isn't it okay for the other person to be wrong? If you know that they are “doing it wrong”, why do you need to try to “force” them to be right? Do you think that it is likely that typing on a keyboard, in your home, sharing words over the internet, will change this person's mind? Really?


• Finally, state your position, and then stop. Don't continue to engage. If the other person, or people, continue to tell you, “No, you're wrong”, but they don't further the conversation with new or different ideas or data, then that IS the time to disengage. Speak clearly, speak completely, then SHUT UP. Sorry, caps lock.


• After you've had your say, don't stay hooked. Stand up, go for a walk, go play with the dogs, vent to a trusted friend, whatever it takes for you to process the emotional charge that you're feeling. You acted. You spoke. You shared your knowledge and experience, and there are people reading this thread who will weigh what each speaker is bringing to the conversation. They will read someone else's personal attacks and they will compare it with you're (hopefully) balanced and thoughtful input.

This is a way to stay engaged, speak from your personal wisdom, contribute to a community, but not encourage or feed a hostile environment that makes people consider whether all of these (label)-people are completely hostile and crazy.

I hope you consider this the next time you're tempted to tell someone that they are “doing it wrong”, or when someone else tells you the same.

Thanks for reading!

The Seven Deadly Sins of Relationships

If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions then the Seven Deadly Sins of Relationships are the merry travel songs shared along the trip.  They are the Horsemen of the Polypocolypse! Well, um, I suppose you could also look at them as a gaggle of dark, ill-tempered dwarves … but still, beware the Sins!

Shun … Shun!

Selfishness.  It’s not always about you. It may not even be about your partner’s happiness. Sometimes it’s about the joy of your partner’s partner. Have you asked yourself: how are you striving to delight others in your extended network? Is this your responsibility? What more can you do to enable others in your pod? Now, you don’t need to become Mother Teresa here, just give a little to expect a lot more in return.

Impatience. Pushing your partners into uncomfortable situations, engaging in non-negotiated scenes, rushing bullheaded into new relationships, making unreasonable demands of others. Some don’t move at the same pace you do (Goddess knows that I’ve had to endure countless hours of introverted culture myself) and others have legitimate fears concerning the lifestyle. Are you taking the time to address those fears? Are you listening to and acknowledging their concerns or dismissing them to get what you want?

Anger. Everyone gets frustrated - everyone gets mad from time to time. Raw exposed emotions are a healthy and expected part of your kinky alternative lifestyle. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about here is chronic anger. A chip on your proverbial shoulder; open hostility shown to partners and metamours; repeated escalation of conversations to an emotional crescendo; passive aggressive behaviors; exceedingly violent responses; a need to turn anger into a vehicle for attention.  Catch yourself: don’t allow the raw emotion of a scene, a bad discussion, or a painful end to a relationship define how to relate to those you care about.

Vanity. Hey, it’s okay to love yourself. Poly is generally sex-positive so it’s even okay to love yourself, but it’s really not okay to allow your own self-adoration to eclipse your own failings. Nobody is perfect. Nobody does this extended-alt-kinky-relationship stuff perfectly and exactly right every time. We all make mistakes. You can’t hold yourself let alone others to impossible standards. Newsflash: your fecal matter likely exudes a pungent odor - there’s always room for growth, self-discovery, and enlightenment. Embrace it.

Dishonesty. Okay, lying is bad. I don’t need to tell you that. Lying erodes trust. But ongoing deceit is even worse. Deceit is the destroyer of trust. Chronic deceitful behavior relies on a sort of self-righteous sense of entitlement where you’ve justified a means to an end: to get what you want, it’s okay to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and conceal from people you love, in perpetuity, for as long as you need to as to have your needs met. Ongoing patterns of deceitful behavior simply abuse. That there’s what we call a ‘deal-killer’.

Jealousy. It’s the Godzilla of emotions. But your job isn’t to kill Godzilla. Everybody knows you can’t kill a giant radioactive lizard that shoots lasers out of its eyeballs – it just comes back more badass, like, for instance, a cyborg giant radioactive lizard. With missiles. And a targeting system. Nay. Your job is to put Godzilla on a far away island and make sure it has no incentive to leave and trample Tokyo. Manage this emotion. Contain it. Better: use it. Find ways to talk about your concerns with others – either in a community setting or directly with your partners. Use jealousy as an excuse to start up meaningful conversation that’ll translate into needed remedies.

Unpredictability. Finally, pretend for a moment that you’ve a date with a new person and its dynamics have been thoroughly negotiated with your primary partner. It will include these things; it won’t include those things; it will certainly not “go there”. But it does, regardless of your promises, or it doesn’t, and your primary partner expresses passive aggressive behavior over “how far it went” even though it may have fallen within the negotiated boundaries. Or what if the rules concerning time out, protection, or budget are constantly shifting? Or what if an exception made for one is suddenly applied to all? Many of these scenarios create anxiety because we don’t know what’ll happen next. There’s no predictability and that puts everyone on edge.

Now, chances are, you’re not indulging in all of these sins at once and planning to put your metamour’s head in a FedEx box. Yeah, I’m sorry - you’re just not that evil - but if you’re looking for some tell-tale signs of disharmony in your network, just look for the glowering faces of the ill-tempered dwarves. One of two of them might be hiding in there, somewhere.

s1m0n

The Opportunity to Consent

Consent.  It's a cornerstone of poly, right up there with communication, and yet is often confused with "control".  These days, I am highly motivated by consent, and most specifically by being given the opportunity to consent by my partners.

S has a new connection, C, that is developing, and D is also ramping things up with another partner, which is leaving me immersed in other people's NRE.  My other partner, J, and her two children are in the process of moving to a much closer home.  In addition, there is another major situation unfolding on a parenting front that is enormously stressful.  In short, I'm feeling attacked by change from multiple sides, and even positive changes can feel scary.

One of my first stops in managing stress levels has been to take things off my plate as much as possible in other areas.  Another has been to request additional assistance and flexibility from people in my network.  All of that has been good, and I feel like there is a great level of support across the board.  Where I've been feeling shaky has been that so much change makes me feel unstable and out of control across the board.

This weekend I came across a concept that I think will be highly helpful to me in my relationships:  Being given the opportunity to consent. As with most things discovered in poly, there was stepping in something triggering, figuring out what was difficult about that, and trying to come up with a strategy that will create a better outcome!  Gotta love those opportunities to learn! ;)

This weekend, S and I were at a party together.  We'd set it up as a date for he and I.  Although other partners were slated to be present, they all had other dates set up as well.  At some point, S disappeared with C for a while.  They pulled things up before crossing lines that hadn't been previously negotiated, but I was still pretty hurt and upset.  Not because they were making out.  Not because I don't like her (I do!).  But because I found myself sharing date time that was supposed to be focused on our dyad.

It was a violation of consent for me.  NRE can be pretty compelling, and I get that.  If S had come to have a conversation with me, and see if I were open to some non-exclusive date time, chances are pretty good that I would have said yes.  I want to get on board with their relationship.  I want to buy in.  To give to my partner and metamour willingly, rather than having assumed consent, and sort it out later.

Sure, it's his life, and he gets to do it any way he wants.  He can give his time, energy and affection as he sees fit.  What I'm talking about here is often referred to as the difference between inform and ask. A lot of people get really irate about the idea of asking a partner for something that relates to another relationship.  Rather than asking for "permission", try reframing it as giving your partner the opportunity to consent to what you want.

There is no desire for me to have decision-making power in my partner's other relationships.  However, in a landscape that may feel very chaotic/scary/threatening, having the choice to say "yes" to something, rather than being informed of a decision, can be extremely empowering.

Keep Some Gas in the Tank

One of the often overlooked things, particularly in the early stages of “going poly”, or when one is experiencing a surge of NRE, is that it behooves one to keep a little metaphorical gas in one’s tank when going between partners.

Let’s say you have hot date with amazing partner A.  You are in the ZONE!  On fire!  Makin’ it happen!  You are all things wonderful in the universe for the time you are sharing!  It’s over the top, and just keeps going!  There’s deep, heart-felt conversation, amazing emotional and physical intimacy.  It’s a superlative experience by any measure.

You transition out of the date, drag your weary, yet elated, ass home, fall into bed exhausted, and wonder why partner B seems less than enthused about your mind-blowing experience.   Turns out they are getting the garbage together (usually your task), handling the plumbing issue that reared its ugly head just as you were leaving, the kid has a project due at school the next day, and the dog apparently got into something dead and smelly, which required bathing and an unexpected load of necrotic laundry.

While we all enjoy a good dose of compersion, it would take a saint of amazing proportions to not feel a bit irate at the differences in the events of the evening.   How can one turn this around?

In my experience, it is very helpful when a partner comes in from a date with something left to give.  Perhaps it’s a warm snuggle, kiss, sharing of intimacy, or just cleaning out the litter box.   Something that says, “I love you.  I’m present.” In a way that is recognizable by the receiving partner.  Just to have the ability to handle some small issue, to give some comfort or pleasure without it harshing the mellow of the previous experience.

My gf, J, often goes between her various partners in succession on the weekends, because that’s the best way for everyone to get to spend time together.  I really appreciate that she shows up to spend time with me well- groomed, smelling delightful, and with a smile on her face that is just for me.  Even if she’s tired from a previous engagement, I get something that is about our connection each and every time.

 

Where it’s gone worst is when partners wear themselves out completely with another partner, then spend a day or so recovering, with an expectation that everyone else is going to pick up the slack.  Don’t do it.  If that means you live on coffee for a day; make it happen.  If it means you cut your date “short” at the previously considered end time, even if it doesn’t feel like you’re completely done; do it.  If it means you satisfy your partner’s needs with something other than a rock hard penis; do it. If it means you put aside your need for alone time because you’ve burned those hours; do it.   Do not sacrifice one partner’s experience of you for a momentary satisfaction.

Be smart about allocating your resources.  Keep something back, if not for others, for yourself.  No one, least of all you, is served well by complete depletion.  Learn to give generously, but remember you still have bills to pay.  Reserves are important.  If a need becomes apparent, be able to rise to the challenge!

How It's Supposed to Work

I absolutely adore Polyfulcrum, my wife.

There are many things that can disrupt an open marriage: unanticipated events, scenes, moments, conversations, and people ... all of which can introduce new anxiety and drama and uncertainty. After all, if you wanted static, you wouldn't have agreed to this lifestyle in the first place. Change is all that's certain.

I recently connected with something like an office coworker - a potential "new shiny".

It was my wife that suggested we all get together and have brunch;

My wife that encouraged me to look at the potential as well as the risks in this new person;

My wife that sat on one side of me while the "new shiny" sat on the other during a community gathering;

My wife that reached out in an email to the "new shiny" to touch base and follow-up afterwards;

My wife who negotiated with me on what she'd feel comfortable with;

My wife who agreed to spend weekend time together with this person;

And my wife who - at this very moment - is reading medical literature on a condition the "new shiny" has. 

If there's any person in my life who compromises, finds a way to build emotional strength and stability between us, and who actively attempts to understand and participate in all of my polyamorous relationships, it's this woman. My wife. And she's a wonderful, incredible human being, and I adore her.

s1m0n

The "Sushi Factor".

This is something that has come up in many relationships I've been in, observed, or heard about, so perhaps there is some value to be gleaned by putting it out there. In our house, we call it the "sushi factor". Here is how we discovered the S.F.: I'm a fan of sushi, and had invited S to go on several occasions. He pleaded off with, "I just can't stand fish, and raw fish particularly, so that's a no.". Fast forward some number of months, insert a new love interest he was seeing, and suddenly, there is S eating sushi with new person. Color me less than thrilled.

Now, with a "normal" mono relationship, you can go with the, "People change, and maybe they just like it now." theory when you see your ex, who was virulently opposed to xyz now engaged happily in it. Within poly, when you've made a request of partner, gotten a no, and then see them doing that with another partner, it can be a bit tougher to run with that theory.

Oddly enough, there seems to be strong anecdotal evidence that men are at higher risk of stepping in this particular mess. In every case I've directly observed, it's been the guy that said he wasn't interested in (fill in the blank), then proceeds to do it with new partner. Things like a shopping venue, type of food, activity, a sex act, or relationship style.

S and I were talking that over at lunch the other day, and his supposition, which may not be particularly flattering to our male audience, is that the desire to bag a new partner often trumps existing boundaries/preferences with current partners. Hunting instinct.

Now, there are a great many poly folks out there that will say that everyone is entitled to enjoy, or not, whatever types of activities and cuisine they wish to with whomever they want. They'd be right too. However, in practical applied terms, this may not be the best policy to run with.

Real life example from personal history: Back in the swinging days, I was out on a full swap evening with my partner at the time. Things were ramping up sexually, and the man I was playing with went down on me, and began to stimulate me anally as well. After a short time, I noticed that his partner seemed a bit upset, and took a break, grabbing her on the way out of the room to chat. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she was upset because she really enjoyed oral sex with anal stimulation, and asked for that several times, getting a no from her partner. What's the first thing he does out with someone new? Go down on her and stick his finger up her ass! Seriously, does anyone out there reading this think that's a winning strategy for domestic tranquility?

Now, some of you may be inclined to just write this off as NRE insanity, and while there may be an element of truth to that, NRE isn't an excuse for a lack of consideration or sensitivity. In the event that you are out with someone new (or in with them), and they bring up/you have this great idea you've heard before...somewhere...pause for a moment and consider where it originated. If it's with an existing partner, I respectfully suggest that it might be worth holding off on doing with the new person, and giving your existing partner first shot at it.

Now, am I unhappy that I can now sometimes cadge S into going to have sushi? No, I'll leverage that NRE-induced experimental bent for all it's worth! However, it would have been much nicer and possibly built more trust and intimacy in our relationship to have that level of willingness to try something extended my way without the need for NRE intoxication.

Note: This whole concept applies only to those things that everyone is willing to do/try. There is no suggestion that anyone should "take one for the team", or feel pressured to do something they don't want to do.

The "Bubble".

During the last discussion group, we were delving into the concept of building compersion within relationship spheres, and one of the concepts that I connected with was that of the "bubble". The bubble is that zone that can form around a particular set of people (often a couple) within a relationship grouping that may feel excluding to the others that they are in relationship with.

Where I've seen this crop up in the past is usually when a partner is in NRE with a new connection, and they are nearly completely oblivious to anything and anyone in their vicinity. Alternately, it may include a territorial feel, where no one is quite certain where the boundaries lie between relationships, or what every one's tolerances are for regarding PDA's.

For some in the group, they just adored seeing their partners being so "cute" with others that this wasn't an issue. The bubble was a dose of welcome outside perspective. For others, me usually included, it can feel uncomfortable, exclusionary, and/or inconsiderate.

For those that were in the camp of cute, the idea of introducing themselves into the bubble of some one's dynamic seemed to feel intrusive or controlling, in the realm of interfering with their partner's other relationships. Perhaps this is another one of those points of difference between community/family style poly and free-agent poly? To be clear, I'm not talking about the idea of pushing in on private date or intimacy time, but rather how interactions go within shared time.

After some back and forth on perspectives, it finally hit me as to why I've felt discomfort with the bubble in the past: When I find that I alter my behavior (or am requested to do so) with a partner in an attempt to accommodate the sensibilities of a metamour, that hits my radar as not-a-good-thing. I'm very touch oriented, and not holding my partner's hand, snuggling, hugging, kissing etc. in front of someone that is also intimate with my partner feels like censorship. It doesn't build compersion, intimacy, or trust with me. It creates an "us versus them" environment.

Being affectionate with a partner isn't an exclusive thing for me. I don't mind when a metamour also touches, kisses our shared partner. It's compersion building for me to observe the happy, but I don't like being excluded from the happy. That feels compartmentalizing, and I'm big on integrating during shared time.

Fortunately, this isn't something that I am currently experiencing, so it's a great time to explore what's not worked well in the past, to be able to accurately communicate and advocate for my desires in regards to affection in community/family time in the future. The bubble isn't scary anymore, because I know that my partners are open to being inclusive, so there is no "pushing my way in" that needs to be done. As for the metamours, I can share my perspective and demonstrate what that looks like, and hope it works for them as well!