NY Press: "Monogamy's Been Here Forever!"

Today I responded to a NYPress misunderstanding about monogamy's history vs polyamory as an alternative love style...

http://www.nypress.com/blog-4714-newsweek-loves-group-sex.html

Man, it's amazing how ill-informed people are about basic cultural anthropology. I mean, I was required to take that class in undergrad...? Jesh...

s1m0n

Finding What We Want

I own four leather-bound journals. They're nice: parchment paper and a ribbon page mark along the spine. I spared no expense. I bought the journals in a tumultuous part of my life with the expectation of writing something in them, and I wanted the presentation to mean something. At the time, I had an urge to write. I think I wanted to apologize.

Look, when I'm dead, someone - somewhere - is going to want an explanation. They're going to want to know who I was, where I lived, how I lived, and why I made the choices that I made. Better yet, they're going to want to know what I stood for. I thought the journals could help.

Everybody in my family tells me that I look a lot like my grandfather. Well, my grandfather died when I was 12 so I barely had a chance to know him. And as an adult, I've had questions: I wanted an explanation - who he was, what choices he made, what he stood for. If I'm so much like him, it stands to reason that knowing my grandfather could be an "Idiot's Guide" to me. Could have been useful. Still, nobody had much of anything. Just memories.

Some choose to live in a space outside of themselves: looking in and watching. Kind of like watching television or the warped reflection of life on the rippling surface of a pond. Journals are like that. Instead of living in the moment, you become the archivist of the past; they give you an opportunity to critical debate what you see. What you have, what you don't have... what you could have; where you went; what potential was wasted in the time you had.

A little journaling is healthy. Insightfulness about yourself might spur corrective action. We can learn from our mistakes, take change seriously and make better choices. Yet, too much could be distracting and risking obsessive behavior: re-writing our past to make it more presentable to the future audience; conveniently repackaging facts; absently forgetting what you've got. It is too easy: instead of the journal reflecting on the goodness of life, the journal runs the risk of lamenting the life you don't lead, or, serving as a fantasy to distract us from the life - the good life - we've got.

The journal keeps us from finding what we want by obscuring what we've already got.

Maybe that's why my grandfather never left me any explanations or apologies. No trace but the ethereal of memory. Maybe he was too busy living the life he had and appreciating it for what it was, and I'm supposed to sort it out on my own.

s1m0n

Just ignore it, right?

Today was paperwork day in my office of one. Specifically, I was getting caught up on insurance billing. This would seem to be a no-brainer. I've already done the work, it's just a matter of getting the papers in order so that I can actually get paid. Yet, for years, it is a task that I drag my feet over, create other projects to consume that time, ignore that it needs to get done, and otherwise just turn the whole thing into a MAJOR UNDERTAKING.

The thing is, once I actually buckle down and focus on taking care of business, it seldom takes anywhere near as long to get it done as the time I've wasted trying to avoid doing it in the first place. The same has often been proven true within relationships as well. There's the elephant in the living room that is ignored, because no one wants to deal with it. Who knows? It could be something that takes some effort to resolve. It could be something that has no simple solution, or might take more than one conversation to find agreement on.

It can feel much easier to just set it to the side, particularly with something that isn't terribly intrusive on a daily basis. Let's consider the possibility, however, that the issue you've been trying to ignore may be connected to a big fat paycheck, that the effort you'll need to put into resolving the concern may be MUCH less than what the story in your head would suggest. If you just dig in and get to it, it could be cleared off faster than you ever thought possible, freeing up energy that you can put towards something constructive.

So what are you trying to avoid dealing with? Most of us have something rolling around in the back of our subconscious, sucking little bits of energy away from what we may be able to accomplish within our relationships. Ignorance, hoping something will magically self-resolve or just go away, isn't bliss. It's head-in-the-sand, lalalalalala, wishful thinking that accomplishes nothing. Bite the bullet and get it done!

Dragging others along for the ride.

When beginning the journey into poly, the mantra is tossed at one constantly: Communicate, communicate, communicate! So there is talking, chatting, conversation, discussion, notes, perhaps even a bit of mime when words fail, all in the attempt to COMMUNICATE. There are differences in processing speed to account for, changes in perspective as experiences shift viewpoints, and even more importantly, the desire of all involved parties to share information in a way that is understood by the others they are in connection with, to contend with.

So what happens when one person isn't as interested in communication as those they are bonded to? Can a good relationship dynamic survive a degree of apathy within the structure?

I once saw a large spider making it's way across the floor of our kitchen. It was moving at a very slow pace, and after taking a look, it was apparent why that was. The spider had attached itself to a large dust bunny from underneath the refrigerator, and was forced to drag that weight across the room with each step.

There are numerous examples I've heard over the years I've been exploring poly where the non-communicative partner was able to drag the whole thing either to a screeching halt, or into total ruin. Not so much from the lack of communication, but because of the fatigue on the part of their partner(s) exerting themselves to keep the communication train rolling.

It's tough enough being responsible for self-disclosure without expending the energy to delve into another and pull communication out of them. The sheer amount of effort involved in exposing the heart and mind of another is truly boggling. Yet, repeatedly, I see the attempt being made to do so on the part of a well-meaning partner. Never seeing the degree to which they enable the "lazy" communicator to never learn strong skills that will lead them to be a true "partner".

Yes, some people are just more private, slower to trust, quiet, shy, damaged in some way, unpracticed, introverted, or whatever reason one would prefer to attach to a lack of drive to communicate. At what point do those things become an excuse? At what point do we cease to accept the excuse and request the effort that we are willing to put forth on our own behalf?

If communication does not come from internal motivation, it will not be sustainable over time. By all means, teach skills, tools, demonstrate by example what you wish to receive, but be wary if you find yourself trying to "open someone up", as it can be a form of passive-aggressive control on the part of the reluctant partner. Certainly not something to reinforce and feed in any relationship.

The Poly-Food Connection

Food. We eat it. It's emotional. The decisions are unconscious even when we pick from the choices we have.

However, I've noticed something about a large percentage of poly people; they have a highly conscious relationship with food. Originally I didn't think all that much about the significant number of poly people who were vegetarians or vegans. But then I began to run into people who have specific food allergies. Now it feels like almost every other poly person I meet falls into one of the above camps.

So, I sit back and consider the link. It feels like there's a deeper dialogue going on here. It feels like the general poly mind set of communication can extend to one's own body. There is information there -- broadcasting if only we take the time to hear it.

And that is one of the main things I hope to change about myself (as mentioned in the previous post). I don't know if I have any food allergies, but I am beginning to internalize that there is a better way to live with food. I'm not sure exactly what form that will take, but I'm willing to listen.

The Invitation

So, here I am transfixed in wonder. I'm in awe over connecting with so many great people in my life right now. Every word is appreciated and every touch important to me. If I've talked or emailed with you in the last two weeks, I bid you a special thanks.

I'm coping with a relationship transition and a realization that I need to improve a few things about myself. As I smooth out each emotional flutter, my world progressively stabilizes and the way forward becomes more relaxed. I believe I'm getting better at preserving my open heart through troubled waters.

One of my friends shared something recently that resonated with me. I invite your heart to dwell on the words below...

SOURCE: http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/prose/oriah_mountain_dreamer/invitation/

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Shifting sands

This past week has involved significant shifting around. PG has transitioned out of the relationship he's had for the past three years, and is in a state of flux. He's trying on some different things to help him develop a deeper sense of self, and, after a couple of days feeling like the rug was being pulled out from under me, I've been able to find a space that feels a lot more comfortable with those changes. It helps that he's very chipper about what he wants, and, for me, the positive attitude goes a long way towards a sort of compersion with the ideas he's playing with.

So that got me thinking: Is there such a thing as compersion for an idea? In this case, he's totally jazzed up about developing new skills, being more self-sufficient, and just generally learning who he is better. It's a sort of "NRE for self", and as much as I love the current person, I can't help but feel a bit excited to find out who the person he wants to become is.

During this whole process, I've gotten really appreciative of one of the skills I gained as a child. We moved a lot, so I had to become pretty adaptable, able to roll with the punches. This is a skill that serves me well within poly. Even some pretty significant bombs take a relatively short period of time to filter into my mind, which is fairly adept at finding some personal advantage, or ways to frame things up positively.

S has been sort of sitting back, waiting for the dust to settle, ready to lend a hand if asked, but not pushing into things. This seems a pretty excellent call, and I'm thankful for his support and patience.

So PG, know that the person you are is loved, and the person you will become is anticipated! Thank you for the patience in answering my questions, and assuaging my fears without just telling me what I want to hear. I cherish you in my life.

Flammable material

Noticing a theme lately? Not sure why, but the flame imagery is working for me right now.

So, here we are, having a nice controlled burn during the dissolution of PG's relationship with his other long-term connection, and then that fire hits some flammable material lying around and flares up! My initial response is to pull back and protect myself from the heat, the excessive light, to wait for it to pass and then, cautiously approach the coals left following the inferno. Instead, I'm wrestling with myself to push into the flames, and make sure that I pull those items that are of vital importance out, even if I get singed in the process, and smother the fire, with myself, if need be.

Sometimes, relationships can be hard, even ones that are usually relaxed, supportive and joyous. Sacrifices are sometimes needed to nurture the embers of love, to bank the fire until the time is right to stoke it to the crackling state that warms the heart with it's vitality. Sacrifices are sometimes given from a place of fear, rather than seeking to find a place of open trust. That's what I am trying to connect with right now: staying open, trusting, caring, supportive, exposing myself to the flames, hoping that what is saved is refined and tempered, made stronger by the heat.

Three Seconds

Stop. Wait. Tick.

The clock ticks just one second.

Wait wait - shh shhh shh!

Okay - okay, listen: before you say another word - another fucking word - I want you to shut up for just one moment and think back... several years ago, back before her, before all of it and before all this shitstorm.

Okay, do you remember your first date?

No, seriously, hold on to that thought for a minute.

Picture her... You were late and she had already ordered her drink. It was raining, cold, and dark, and she was inside sitting by the window waiting for you. Her damp dark hair curled and twisted, contrasting against her bright white smile and intense blue eyes; she cupped her coffee with both hands to keep them warm.

The night before you had spent four hours on the phone with this girl. You wrote emails all day, and every one you sent you read and re-read it over and over. Impatiently, you kept looking for new mail and even built up excuses to push your real work aside. You ignored important phone calls. It was agonizing just how long the afternoon seemed to take until, finally, you could leave work.

You remember what she was wearing? Hell, you remember how she smelled? Yeah, you loved that outfit. The scarf, the jacket, the jeans, and a white blouse... the one with small red flowers sewn around the square neckline. When you sat down with her at the table, you could smell it: that single scent - you don't know, an obscure combination of perfume, oils, and lotion - that was uniquely her. You looked forward to that, every day, and much later after meeting for coffee, you could smell it everywhere: that blessed fragrance was in your bedding, your jacket, your car... she surrounded you, and you ached when she was missing. The small of her back; her curves that hugged yours; feeling her naked under cotton sheets.

At first, she didn't appreciate your humor and it look a month her to recognize when you were kidding and being sarcastic. She was proud, determined; you were so impressed with how she overcame her past. She was the smartest woman you'd ever dated, and the most observant - she asked the most critical questions...

There was nothing more important than her.

Now. Stop. Wait. Breathe.

The clock ticks another second.

Bring yourself back to that small coffee shop, and see her for what she actually is.

This moment is awash in anger, misunderstanding, rage, and fear; your argument has overtaken all reason and blown way out of proportion. Across your eyes is a veil of sheer arrogance. You are making her out to be that thing you hate and in this ugly moment, you see her as the adversary, the obstacle, the combatant, the problem. In this moment, you have something to prove, and you've absolutely forgotten about who she is, what she means to you, and who you are together.

The clock ticks one more second.

Stop. Wait. Remember.

Breathe.

Lotion. Oils. Perfume. The flash of an angry and icy blue stare; black locks; her face, tense, tight, hurt, tears streaming down her face - her lips preparing to lash out the sharpest verbal daggers she can throw at you... smart, exacting, clever: precisely what you love about her. She is, was, has been, and will always be everything you love in a woman, and nothing - not this dumb argument, not your fucking pride, not your selfish wishes, wants, or desires - is more important than her. Ever.

Three seconds. Stop.

Now... defuse this moment, and think of something else to tell her. It's that simple. And it'll always be that simple.

s1m0n

Controlled burn

As you may have surmised over the past several posts, there are some significant changes taking place in connections outside of the household. Here is something I am seeing right now: Looking at connections with a more objective lens, deconstructing a relationship, determining the cost/benefit of a given connection, deciding if it is worth maintaining, finding a course of action, and negotiating a pathway forward.

Sure, these are also available to people within non-poly relationships, I just see it a little more often in a poly context. The feared emotional explosion that I talked about within the last post has turned into more of a "controlled burn". Both of the involved parties looked at their relationship, found that it wasn't feeding them, and opted to dissolve the relationship, looking instead towards a friendly connection that continues forward in a much less intensive way that isn't interconnected.

I'm heaving a sigh of relief, as not only is my partner feeling much more at peace, but also has plugged back in at home, and I'm not trying to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship. Selfish? Perhaps. I am still grateful for the improved relationship skills we've acquired in the past several years, which are making this possible. To be sure, there is still grieving that will happen, disappointment felt, but it is still within the context of acceptance of what is.

Too often people get stuck in a relationship by wanting it to be something different than it is, projecting that onto the relationship, and not recognizing that the model that is in their head and heart doesn't necessarily mesh with the reality of the relationship that they have. Getting to a point where you can see what it is you have, deciding if that is a relationship you want to be in, and moving forward from there, is a skill that develops over time and with experience.

Self-deception is one of the more insidious disconnects that can stunt personal growth, and the health of any relationship, including the one with yourself. Being able to burn away the clutter to expose the truth of a given connection may be painful, but it can also be liberating, as you realize the underlying strength within yourself, and within your other relationships.

Watching

One of the hardest parts of polyamory for me is watching my partner hurt, seeing them go through the dissolution of a relationship that has meaning for them, and watching them struggle with letting go. It might not directly be "mine", but when something impacts one I love deeply, it is painful in an entirely uncontrolled way that I find rather unpleasant, and very personally impactful.

As changes ripple through the chain surrounding me, I left wishing that I could just do something. Instead, I wrestle with trying to not do anything that isn't directly requested. To remain open and supportive, when closed and stepped-back sounds much safer.

I am in a position where there is no direct input in what is going on, and the best way I can contribute to the well-being of my partner is to just wait and see if they need anything. It is like being on a 24 hour emergency services shift. There is no sure way to be sure when the shit may hit the fan, there is only the assurance that there will be shit that is going to need to be cleaned up. If I am fortunate, it will be a small pile, but the elephants could go tromping by at any point.

Fortunately, all of us have gained skills since something like this last occurred, so I am hopeful that working through the difficult feelings that are coming up will be more smoothly dealt with, in a shorter period of time, with a higher degree of "leaning into" the support system in place. So for now I watch, I wait, emotional fire-extinguisher in hand, knowing that we are all equal to the task, knowing that no one needs to go it alone.

S.E.M.A. is kinda like S.E.T.I.

Without getting into the gritty details, my relationship life has been in a state of flux for the last few weeks. One of my main relationships has restructured itself into a much further orbit than I would really like. But there it is. Relationships take more than one person and I respect her needs.

So, now I am involved in a S.E.M.A. project -- the Search for Extra-Marital Affection. And what's a SEMA for? (semaphore = "a system of visual signaling by two flags held one in each hand") Well, it's kind of like S.E.T.I. -- the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence. The principals are remarkably similar.

You begin broadcasting (your availability) and just hope like heck that you encounter a civilization (person) who is at an appropriate technological level (or receptiveness) to receive your transmission. To a certain degree, all potential connections have the same main problem that S.E.T.I. runs into -- the Christmas Tree Theory. That theory states that all the potential civilizations in the universe have their own development lifespan over the billions of years of existence. Like the blinking lights on a Christmas tree you will have one civilization flare into being, but then fade out. Right next to them, another will flare up and then fade according to its own timeline. Two civilizations may be in parallel development, but it's more likely that they are thousands of light years apart. With S.E.T.I. you also add in transmission time and now you see just how dismal the odds are that we'll actually connect with interstellar brethren -- should they exist.

Well... thankfully, I know that S.E.M.A. has much more promising odds. But the main comparison point between S.E.M.A. and S.E.T.I. is that people are constantly in different stages of development. They will either be open and closed depending on their personal development or their current commitments. Chemistry is one thing, but timing is another. I'm just reminding myself (and everyone else) that it's a good thing to get to know people and see what happens. The friendship you make today, could turn into something else 5 years, 10 years or 20 years from now.

Or maybe tomorrow. You never know.

200th Post!

This, dear reader, is the 200th post for this little blog! When we started it last summer, I didn't know how interested I'd be in writing, or sharing things with the world at large about our lives. It turns out that structuring my thoughts, getting feedback and input, having my ass handed to me, some sympathy, and the occasional "Bravo!", has been a great experience.

One thing I've noticed is that I have stopped running from leadership/front positions. It's been something that has impacted me in the past. I've dropped out of groups, hidden in plain sight, and just plain refused to step up. No more! My skills don't run in the direction of being very organized, but I can help move this community forward, and whatever else I choose to be involved with, using what comes pretty naturally for me: talking, directing the action, and creating an active atmosphere that encourages discussion and sharing.

The local poly group we host has been doing very well in the past six months, allowing teaching and learning for many of us. It's also increased the attendance of the other poly group we participate in, as I've been able to refer many people there for more general poly concerns. When I started the group here, some feared that having more options would fracture the local community. It seems as though the inverse has been true, and I'm pleased with that.

In writing here, I've gained clarity on my own thoughts, patterns, found inspiration from your comments, enjoyed collaboration with my partners, and made some new friends. Some of the things I've brought forward have been very personal, in a way that exposed me. It's a little odd to look at dating someone, when they may have read so deeply into my soul beforehand. Why bother with a facade when I've already laid bare vast swaths of internal landscape? I think I'm more honest, with myself and with others.

So, as we all head off to dinner with PG's new lover and spouse, I am glad that S talked me into this last summer. It's been educational, and I look forward to lessons yet to be learned!

Terminology

When people are part of a subculture, they often create words that suit the needs of their various activities, feelings, or otherwise somewhat unique experiences. In polyamory, we have words like "frubble", "compersion", and "metamour" to describe some of the things that commonly used language has no single term for. In bdsm, there's top, bottom, switch, domme, sub and many more.

Within the poly community, terminology is something that is consistently debated. From hierarchical terms, like primary and secondary, to unicorns, pods, and fulcrums, and the term polyamory itself, these ideas are pulled apart, examined, put through the ringer, and, if enough people find them useful, they become part of the common lexicon. Common, at least within our little subculture...

Some question the use of "special" vocabulary. Doesn't it just continue to set us apart from society at large? Is it isolating? Is it silly to create words to suit our own needs? To me, it seem more ludicrous and clunky to say, "my partner's partner" than just metamour. It feels bulky and inefficient to use, "I feel joy in my partner's other relationships" instead of compersion. The language, as it stands, might have the words available to describe all of the same things, but it is more streamlined to have vocabulary that suits our needs, rather than stretching the current terminology to cover something that is outside its present bounds.

The idea that we are setting ourselves apart from larger society by using terminology that fits our life experience is disingenuous. We are setting ourselves apart from the mainstream by our actions! We use certain words to describe the actions, roles, and emotions that are common within our community. The words are not the differences themselves, and they don't make us a subculture by using them. "They might notice that we're not conforming if we have our own vocabulary. Shhhhh!" Like someone wouldn't pick out "My husband's girlfriend's husband's girlfriend." as a bit off the beaten path?!?!?!

"Well, I get tired of explaining what these poly-specific words mean to people." This sounds a lot like, "I only use words that are mainstream, so that I don't stand out." or "I only use short words that are easily understood, because explaining who I am is uncomfortable." Language is shorthand. It is a way to get a concept from one brain to another. Any specialized field has it's own vocabulary. No one thinks it's odd if someone who is tech saavy needs to explain cloud computing to someone who isn't familiar with the concept. Once it's been explained, it saves a lot of excess words in future conversations. In the same way, after sharing a definition for "metamour", your next conversation with your buddy about your dating life could be much less wordy.

Lastly, there are concepts that we have in poly, like compersion, that don't have easy equivalents in common usage. Words that have valuable ideas to share, ideas that could benefit society at large if they become more familiar. Holding those concepts close to our chest sets us apart. Not sharing our language diminishes the base values of openness and abundance that are at the core of what polyamory is. Let the terminology F L O W!

Aftermath

Yeah, not the best choice of titles perhaps, but that's kind of where I'm at currently following the vacation trip last week. You'd think that after two years, we'd have run across the landmines/boundaries to be had. Apparently, there's still room for growth!

There were a great many good parts about this trip, but perhaps a bit too much togetherness for too extended a period of time. Some of it was kid related, although I think that was about average, from what I'm remembering from family vacations as a kid. Part of it was being too close physically to emotionally compartmentalize things as much as we usually do.

With one condo and one car, there wasn't a whole lot of room to stretch out or get away from each other. Instead of having a V where the two ends of the letter are further apart, it got pretty compressed. There was a flavor of exposing each relationship to the other on a more intensive level, which wasn't comfortable to everyone.

After some discussion and decompression, things are back on track, but we'll need to do more advanced planning if we opt for a fully integrated trip again. Certainly, our next try at vacations will be for a shorter duration, with more structure in place to support the needs of all.

Back to the drawing board!

PolyPDA

I think many folks who're new to poly are concerned with how to handle PDA (Public Displays of Affection) in public, particularly if they're hanging with their multiple partners at the same time. I recall I was more than a little concerned the first time I was out in public with PF and PG. PF was physically amorous with us both at the restaurant and then at the movie theater. I could "feel" the eyes, "hear" the whispers, like, "OMG - Who's that chic with?", or even witnessed the disdainful glances as parents covered the eyes of their children and whisked them away to watch more comfortable things, like, huge iron wrecking balls dangling from a giant robot's groin...

... but I digress...

Actually, in all honesty, it did take me a while to eventually let up on because, as you've probably figured out, everything I just mentioned was really going on in my head and not in reality. I'm projecting what others might be thinking whereas - in reality - they're not even paying attention.

These days, it rarely phases me. We could be at a restaurant or, even like today, in the hot tub at the resort we're at, and PF is openly flirty and physical with us both around young and old sitting with us in the tub. PF says they'll never say anything; most people don't have the fiber to really ask what the relationship is. Most will ignore it, or, pretend its not happening. And if someone did actually have the kahuna's to ask, then she'd be more than happy to tell them a little bit... and see if they ask for more.

However, there are some times where your own self-consciousness gets to you. For instance, PF and I have a favorite haunt in Longbeach near where we're vacationing at. It's a bed and breakfast, and when we stay there or stop by for a meal, the proprietor is always happy to see us, and remembers us well (because we're always very googly-eyed at our favorite romantic spot). The other night when we finished our dinner, the proprietor came up and wished us a good night, and hoped he'd see us soon again. Meanwhile, PF was kind of thinking of taking PG there for a dinner a little later in the week - she later concluded, nah, that wouldn't be such a great idea. It'd be too obvious and difficult to explain.

Sometimes you gotta make the best call that will preserve the perceptions of others.

I guess the point of the matter is that it took a little while to overcome the social programming within my own skull. It's only natural: we all want to "fit in" - polyamory can, at times, make us stand out like a sore thumb. Sometimes you have to bend to conformity every once in a while to maintain external balances. Eventually, though, you get used to it, forget all about it, maybe even come to appreciate it or enjoy "shocking" the pants off of people; hee hee - I have to admit, I get a certain chill of joyous mischief when our girl kisses us both, or, I get kissed by a metamour. That's just funner than a pocket full of crickets... and even more so when you're able to conquer your own inner-conservative-dialog.

Cheers from Longbeach, Washington...

s1m0n

... oh, and for God's sake, don't see Transformer's 2. There's this one scene... no, wait, there are multiple scenes of offensive, racist, ridiculous, ugh - barf! - crud that isn't worth the price of a Kiggin's Matinee, so really, don't see it! Spare your eyeballs!