Scar Tissue

A couple years ago, I was going down the back steps to hop into the hot tub when I missed a step completely, and ended up falling heavily, albeit weirdly, on the front of my ankle.  Not to be overly graphic, but the cement patio scraped a section of skin about two inches around completely off, so deeply the tendons were visible at spots.  Not only did it really hurt, I was concerned about infection, and worried about working, because in my day job, I do therapeutic massage with my feet.

So, I cleaned it up the best I could, applied some antibiotic ointment, one of those big fabric bandages, and hoped for the best.  The next couple weeks in particular were a struggle to bend, extend, and push with that area of my body during work.  It took significant force of will to just do the bare minimums, and I didn't do anything at the gym, or walking, if I could help it.

Eventually, the skin began to regrow, knit together, and form a lump of scar tissue on the top of my ankle, and that became the new struggle: to keep the scar flexible as it healed, so that I didn't lose range of motion.  This is where my job became an asset to me.  Since I move my feet in more different directions in an hour than most people do in a day, the scar tissue healed well, bulky, but flexible. It is stronger than the original skin, but also takes up more space.  It used to be angry and red, but now, two years later, its mostly blends in with the paleness that is the norm for my body.

Things changed in my poly life last year.  There was the loss of a significant relationship, a major shift in my connection with my metamours, and substantial change in the way my parenting landscape works.  It felt like my whole emotional life was a gaping wound, showing my internal weaknesses, and vulnerability.  I couldn't get away from all the ways I failed myself, failed others, even if I could logically see that much of what happened was unavoidable. So, I took a big step back from community, from connection, from dating, from risk.  I holed up, and tried to keep those wounds from getting infected.  Wrapped the pain up tightly, and waited to heal.

The biggest challenge was that those hurts didn't heal up nice and neat.  They kept breaking open, and for a long time that confused me.  I was doing self-care.  I had a supportive and loving partner.  Why weren't things getting better faster?  Then it occurred to me:  The scar was getting stiff, because I wasn't using those areas of my heart that had been damaged.  I'd shut things down in a bid to protect myself, but every time I tried to move forward in some fashion, I hadn't built the flexibility to do that without pulling those wounds open.

So, I started to stretch again.  Cautiously, carefully, and consciously.  I went on a few dates, and for several months, I had limited ability to connect with anyone on a deeper level, so I'd usually flame out pretty quickly, and then take another breather before I tried again.

Eventually, I met a fellow, M, who was newer to the area, and part of a live-in quad, doing the type of poly I like to do, with an extended family feel. We connected well, and formed a solid connection. I met M's wife, and other her partner, and his wife and child.  That was all good, yet hard too, because it felt a lot like what I had, and lost, but this time, I didn't back up.  I kept stretching those wounds, and reaching out towards the people, the bonds, and the environments that feed me the most, and things started to feel a little easier.  I was moving in the direction of being a bit more fully ME again.

Over time, the desire to write, to use my voice again, has been growing.  After having things blow apart, I didn't find much value in sharing my thoughts.  It felt hypocritical to think I had anything of value to contribute.  That's started to change, so I've begun writing. Some of that content you're not likely to see anytime soon, as it's still too raw for public consumption. Perhaps someday in the medium term.  For now, some of what you'll read here is easy, and some will be more challenging. Bear with me... This post is a step in that process.

The drive to create something broadly useful within the community has reasserted itself, so I restarted the Poly Discussion Group, began a Face Book group to support that, and also moderate another poly forum. This time though, I've asked for more help, more input from the people around me to build additional structure, to contribute in ways that don't leave me feeling like this is all my ball to push uphill alone. The first meeting after taking a year off was last weekend, and it was wonderful!  Even better has been the follow through afterwards.  I'm excited and optimistic about the possibilities!

Last week M was out of town, and I got to spend some extra time with my metamour.  That stretched something in me a bit.  To have someone deliberately choose to spend their time and energy with me, even in the absence of our shared partner, because I am comforting and enjoyable to be with.  I've also gotten to spend extra time in other contexts with the other people in their household over the past couple weeks, and have deeply appreciated the extension of energy and acceptance.  Feeling like I have something to offer, to others, and to myself, is my happy place.

Choosing not to do something that feeds me because I am afraid it will be taken away is a horrid reason to stop reaching.  Yes, take time to close gaping wounds, and remain aware that the scars formed will take stretching, and management on an ongoing basis.  That's what baggage is, and whether it impedes the path forward, or gets unpacked, is up to each of us. Right now, life isn't all sunshine and puppies, but it is something I can work with,  finding the depth of resolve that drives me, and creating anew, even with these scars.

Response to Polyweekly's: Everyone is Doing it Wrong

Just listened to Polyamory Weekly's Episode 385: Everyone is Doing it Wrong. Minx does a great show and everyone should be listening to and supporting her contributions to the Kink and Polyamorous community.

I agree with @cunningminx that we're all one big diverse community; I agree that diversity in thoughts and opinion should be respected; I agree that it's indecent and harmful to use pejorative, hyperbolic language when disagreeing with somebody; I agree that we, as individuals, have the right to define for ourselves what marriage and commitment means ...

Where I disagree, however, is when somebody vehemently defends their membership in a community even though their practices and behaviors defy the tenets of that community.

Examples:

1. I could call myself Jewish and yet do very non-Jewish things. Those who are Jewish would look at me and insist that I'm not Jewish, and I really don't have a right to call myself Jewish. Are the observations of the Jewish community nullified for the sake of my insistence that I'm Jewish? [2014.03.09: Jewish - both a culture and an ethnicity - okay, maybe not a great example.]

2. I could call myself a practicing Dommy Kinkster and chronically violate the consent of my play partners. Those within the Kink community would likely ostracize me for not practicing ethical, safe, respecting, and sex-positive practices. Should the Kink community bend to my insistence that I'm in any way associated with them?

3. I could call myself Polyamorous but engage in cheating on my committed partner who has no knowledge of my other affairs; or I'm a religious Polygamist preying on 12-year old girls and I declare I'm Poly. Should any Polyamorous person tolerate the use of the label 'Polyamory' to be assigned to unethical and harmful behavior?

I think your conversation has to make room for standards, Minx. There are community standards for Jews, for Kink, for Polyamory, that a majority of these participants agree are core values and tenets of their practice. If anyone can walk in and violate those tenets - and then make use of our community to justify their actions - then I feel that's heavily disruptive to the brand (or idea) of Polyamory ... or Kink, or being Jewish, etc.

I like the messages of inclusiveness, tolerance, and acceptance, but I truly believe that we've the right and expectation to declare vehemently "You're doing it wrong" when their practices violate our community's standards.

R

How it Works With Us

When it comes to Polyamory, people - and I'm referring to the inquiring public as channeled by the press - are fascinated with the "how does it work" question. How does this polyamorous lifestyle stuff actually work?

Well, okay, here's how it works with us. And as I've written and re-read this, I think it's important to say that none of this came instinctively or instantly; our practices are constantly evolving reflecting our commitments to each other and our partners; it's a work-in-progress.

The current dance card sits 3:3. Regina has me, Russell, and we're wife and husband. Regina has two other partners in her life and one of them lives with us, and I've two partners that live nearby.

Regina and I would refer to each other as primary. It's an expression we use to denote a legal, financial, and parental connection we share. This isn't to say that our needs unilaterally take precedence over our other relationships. It just reflects a practical level of entanglement that can't be ignored if our relationship is to survive, and, provides a compass for our decision-making.

Our personal agreements center around each other's happiness and growth. We try to avoid being stupid, we've promised to respect each other, talk through our problems, be honest, etc.. Neither of us carry "veto" power (the ability to outright reject the other's choice in partners). We would consider ourselves more community-focused in our practice of Polyamory; we select for partners who've a similar mindset and respect the value we place on our married relationship.

Okay, if you caught that, it (Polyamory) works for us because we've already covered 80-percent of the problem (if you believe as I do in the 80/20 Rule):

• Regina and I value our relationship as a shared, mutual goal to avoid contentious self-interest;
• We're natural communicators and have resolved to be open, honest, transparent in our affairs;
• We don't use ultimatums like a veto to get what we want;
• We select for partners who believe in similar approaches and value us as a couple; these aren't people who'll try to pull us apart or drive a wedge between us.

Now, the remaining twenty-percent rests in our practices of scheduling, community, and power exchange.

1. Scheduling.

This is a very critical requirement. Calendaring. Everyone involved needs something to look forward to lest they feel neglected, forgotten, or ignored.

Regina, I, and my partner, Camille, will often sit down with our calendars and start booking time in one to two month increments. Why us? Well, the three of us do this because we spend the most time together. We're the most fussy with details our circles. It's a 1.5-2 hour exercise and we put in the time because it's necessary. We're all extroverts. We want to own it.

We will all advocate what we want in terms of lunches, dates, overnights, trips, or special considerations. All of us will ask for private dyadic time, and, ask for group time when all three of us can share time together. We'll then individually find other places on the calendar to bring in/schedule our other partners.

2. Community and Family of Choice.

Time shared between the three of us, or with our other partners and their partners as a group, or with other Polyamorous pods, or in discussion groups, forums, or events - reflecting sex-positivism, BDSM, or Polyamory - reinforces who we are. We like to be part of the local community and share our experiences with others. Sometimes it allows us to see other approaches and question what we're doing. Community allows us to reinforce our family of choice: the people we've chosen to share our lives with. It helps with perspective and shared cause.

3. Power Exchange.

I'm using this expression as a euphemism for tipping points in our relationships that demanded an exchange of power between all of us. These kinds of exchanges have manifested in conversation that eventually rebalanced our expectations, communicated our fears, and brought us back to an even keel - all without totally imploding our relationships. Some good examples:

• When I had to stop managing the dialog between my wife and my partner, Camille, in order to get what I wanted, and allow them to develop a relationship independent of me;
• When Regina and I had to be more conscious and considerate of Camille for scheduling trips and times away without her being aware of our decisions;
• When we realized that we were making too many assumptions in scheduling and needed to allow everyone a greater voice in days and schedules;
• When Camille and I were recently asked to put more domestic time in so that Regina didn't feel like she was always holding down the parenting fort while Camille and I went on dates.

I call these moments an exchange because each of us have to give something up to get what we want. In the first example, I had to give up my control; in the second, Regina and I had to give up some aspects of couple privilege; in the third, we all had to give up time that we had always considered "ours"because that's the way it's always been; and finally, Camille and I have to give up our private time to give Regina more personal time.

Power exchanges are cyclic for us. They're a give and take - an ebb and flow - and represent a successful strategy in how it works with us. If we weren't able to do exchange power, the contention introduced by these periods could easily be breaking points that could have snapped our relationships. All of this would have crumbled. Instead power yielded - bent - and we mutually changed the conditions to allow our relationships to grow.

Okay, maybe this has been overly-analytical, but when I think about how it works between the three of us, all of these factors come to mind. Maybe you'll find them useful strategies and concepts to consider for your own pod. I'd be the first to suggest that good Polyamorous adventures just don't happen spontaneously, and it's not like these ideas fell from the sky for us either. Good working Polyamorous relationships are consciously acted upon and revisited - not neglected, unconsidered, or simply left to chance - and they start with your honest intentions.

s1m0n
(Russell)

Freelance or Agency Polyamory

Yes, yes – I’m glad you joined me today to discuss this terrible affliction.

One lump or two? Cream? Good.

I believe I’ve heard it described before as “freelance” or "agency" polyamory.

Yes, now, insofar as I can tell, freelance polyamory is a condition where a person who identifies as polyamorous – somebody who supposedly espouses the values of polyamorous relationships (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Values_within_polyamory) - and suffers from temporary bouts of amnesia.

Indeed.

Spoon?

And believe it or not, the abrupt memory loss often coincides with situations where the afflicted polyamorous person can grossly indulge in their desires without having to assume accountability for their actions to anyone, let alone their other partners.

Yes, I know, it’s terrible.

Indulge me only to provide an example.

Let’s say your husband informs you that he’s about to go out on a date with another partner.  Not a problem and perfectly reasonable, you might believe, but then let’s say you were to dig a little deeper and ask some clarifying questions of your life partner:

·      Where will you be going?

·      When will you be back?

·      How much money are you likely to spend?

·      Can I set some expectations on what kind of sexual contact you may be engaging in?

·      Is there a place I can reach you?

·      When you come home, can I expect we’ll have some fun together?

·      I’m a little uncertain about this – can we talk before you go?

·      I’m your wife – can I get a little priority in your decision-making?

·      So how was your time together? Tell me about what you shared.

Whereas the poor inflicted freelancer would likely respond:

·      “That’s none of your concern. You don’t need to know anything about my other relationships.”

·      “I don’t know. Whenever I want to be or when my other partner is done with me.”

·      “Uncertain, but enough for the two of us to have fun tonight.”

·      “I’m not going to discuss that with you. What my other partner and I do sexually doesn’t concern you.”

·      “You can reach me on my cell phone. If I don’t answer, I’ll see you when I get back.”

·      “No, I want to focus on the moment that I’m spending with my other partner and not with you, and if I’m totally exhausted and drained afterwards when I come home, so be it.”

·      “Listen, your emotional responses are your own. You really need to deal.”

·      “I so hate hierarchical language. Can I just refer to you as Skippy?”

·      “Are you kidding? I’m telling you nothing of the great, amazing time we had.”

Yes, it’s simply incredulous, I know, and I realize this may come as an awful surprise. After all, as you and I have discussed these many years, if polyamory is a community that champions honesty, communication, dignity, respect, loyalty and fidelity … the freelance polyamorist is an aberration.

The way I see it, the freelance polyamorist:

1.     Disregards emotional appeals as a personal weakness;

2.     Deflects responsibility for their own actions in favor of short-run fulfillment;

3.     Finds accountability in any form constraining on their other relationships;

4.     Are intentionally secretive and obscure concerning their other dealings finding such questions intrusive – transparency is a weakness;

5.     Somehow believes that – just because you step away from your wife or husband for an evening – all of those sticky emotional, financial, spousal, or parental obligations that relationship entails just evaporates or is non-existent … because it’s convenient to push that aside to get what they want;

Yes, perplexing isn’t it?

More tea?

And apparently, the condition is transmissible! If one partner selfishly believes as the freelancer, then they’re apt to assume the same belief system and impose that upon others as to, again, fulfill their desires.

Yes, truly beyond my understanding. This condition seems to run contrary to the very values polyamory wishes one to aspire. It’s simply selfish to the core, and not selfless, or compassionate, or communicative, or trusting, or …

Well! I think I’ve stirred this pot well-enough, dear. Would you care for some stew?

s1m0n

Question the Standard Model

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Metamours'n'More

Every three weeks or so, my wife and I invite our partners to come to a Sunday lunch to share space. We call it a metamours’n’more thing.

Yeah, well, I confess. We're not as pretty as these guys. But we still have fun!

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, my metamour is my wife’s boyfriend; my girlfriend is a metamour to my wife; a metamour is your partner’s partner.

It’s a good time and is usually four or five hours. Not all of our metamours can come around but it’s great to have everyone in one space for a while. It’s great to reconnect and see what everyone’s been dealing with over the last couple of weeks. It also gives me insight into the problems my wife might be contending with in her relationships.

We’ll have lunch, hot tub, chit-chat, and watch a television series we’re all in to, like – for example – Game of Thrones. We’ll queue up a couple of episodes on the DVR so we can watch them together. We’ll all puppy-pile onto the sectional, sprawl out, and enjoy each other’s company for a while.

It’s a small thing. It reconnects and reminds me how entangled we are. It’s not a sexy event or a play party. It’s real life. I appreciate these events. I feel a real absence when we skip a month or more. It’s small, easy, fun, keeps us all communicating, and provides real value in reinforcing our connections in our little pod.

s1m0n

Construction Projects

When people talk about poly relationships, one of the more common approaches seems to be the one where the goal is for everyone to get "their own" relationship with a potential partner. For me, while each partner and relationship is unique, they become a part of the overall construction of my life, and I theirs, not a stand-alone structure.

This is actually one of the things that I appreciate about poly relationships: context. Sure, everyone has a life, and circumstances that make up who, and where, they are in their journey, even within monogamous relationships. Within the poly realm, there is often a very rich environment that I get to become a part of, rather than creating everything from the ground up.

Try visualizing it this way: If each person has a structure that represents their life, when someone decides to become a partner to another, their structures get closer together, maybe even merge. A new partner means my house might get a new wing, or an upper floor, a cool, expansive basement, or maybe we opt to build something new from the ground up. My metamours can be reached by walking through our shared partner's space, and visiting. Each person that decides to join the larger relationship brings who they already are to the party, and what started out as a simple cottage may become a sprawling mansion over time.

There are certainly poly people out there that would prefer to stay in the guest cottage, or just want to park their RV in the driveway for a bit, then leave, but for me the real win is when I have the opportunity to build something bigger than what I can manage on my own, and get to join my structure with someone else I love, and they want to do the same. It doesn't mean we don't get our own relationship, it means I become part of something more than just "us". Maybe, if I'm particularly fortunate, I get to expand my family.

Poly Myers-Briggs.

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