Endings

It is with mixed feelings that I write this post. After 16 years, PG and I have decided to end our relationship as partners. There will be more decompression to come, I am sure, but at this time, I can share that we are moving in different directions in our lives, and our course is no longer parallel in ways that would make this a successful connection.

Polyamory, and cohabiting with S, are neither the least, nor the greatest, of contributing factors to this decision. At this point, neither of those things are changing for any of us. This isn't a contentious separation, and we are committed to finding ways to continue forward in a purposefully kind manner with one another. There are no sides, no good guy/bad guy. Just differences in desires and dreams.

I will continue with this blog, which has been most useful to me over the past two years, and with my journey in poly. One of the greatest blessings to me has been the support and love that has flowed from the community to support us in this transition. Particularly valued has been the offers of support and caring extended towards the kids. Thank you all.

In the dark.

Ok, I'm going to do my level best to keep this from becoming a rant. This morning, I was reading the "Alternative Lifestyles" forum on OKC, and noticed a thread started by a woman that was seeking advice on how to handle her partner dating people that aren't up to her standards of physical beauty. That just fried my bacon! On so many levels, there's work to be done here.

I'll totally cop to having personal baggage on this issue. I was the kid back in high school that couldn't get a date. I was awkward, too tall, too curvy, too smart, too socially inept, and wore glasses, braces, and clothes that weren't trendy or expensive. I was in the band, and the Honor Society, and didn't have an ounce of athletic talent. In short, I was a late bloomer.

Later in life, I began working directly with a wide variety of people on a consistent basis, and here's what I found: The absence of adversity often equals the absence of character. Yep, all the prom queens, jocks, and just generally "pretty people" are at a severe disadvantage when it comes to being interesting, compassionate, having good communication skills, and being likable in general. In short, they often make bad partners because they've never had to work at it to get positive attention from others. The exceptions to this have been people who had other personal challenges in life that forced them to do some growing, and they are lovely people inside and out.

Back to our, self-described, superficial non-monogamous woman who says, regarding her partner's recent dating choices, "i didn't want to be intimate with him because of it. i felt nauseas went i got close to him". (insert cleansing breath here) She also says that she would like to find a more healthy way to deal with this feeling, so kudos there. What is a bit unclear is what that means to her. Does it mean that she wants to find a way to get over being superficial and controlling, or does it mean that she wants to find a way to manipulate her partner to do what she wants and only date people that meet her "standards"?

Here's the main thing I REALLY dislike about this thread: It isn't about who her partner is choosing to date, it's about how she feels being associated with them on any level. After all, he picked her, and he picked them, so what does that say about her? Is he in the habit of "settling"? He isn't asking her to be intimate with anyone, and in fact, has gone to the extreme of not introducing people to her, likely to avoid the possibility of snarky comments and bitching. It's not as though he's even asking her to hang out with people that she doesn't find attractive enough to be seen with in public. Call a spade a spade: This is about control. What if these other women, despite not being as attractive in a conventional sense than she thinks she is, are more attractive to her partner in some way? What if it points out the real truth? It doesn't matter how hot someone is if they don't have other qualities that allow a relationship to feel good to everyone involved. Things like compassion, wit, kindness, safe touch, positive communication, and not being bigoted.

What if her partner falls for someone who isn't as hot? What does she have left? Sex appeal? Guess what else I found out over the years of open dating? The hottest people generally are the most boring sex partners. "Do me" girls, who expect that just their sheer hotness should have people dropping in orgasmic bliss, and men with big cocks that think that's enough to evaporate panties, despite the lack of ability to put together a complete sentence or perform oral sex well.

We all have our preferences for physical beauty. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have my types as well. You'd be hard-pressed to figure them out by looking at the people I date though. They are tall, short, heavy, thin, good teeth, bad teeth, blond, brunette, curly haired, and no-haired. That's because physical looks are so far down on the partner selection list that it's barely a factor. If I like some one's intellect, humor, the way they touch, the way they communicate themselves, there is ALWAYS something that I can find attractive about them physically. If I like all those things, the way their teeth look, or if they have cellulite on their ass, or if they're scrawny, fall farther away from being important.

Here's what's important to me in my partner's dating choices: They treat each other well and find value in the connection. Above and beyond that, if my metamour and I happen to also get along well, fantastic! If they treat my partner like shit, I could give a rat's ass if they're a perfect 10 who stops traffic and gets us all into the hottest venues with VIP passes, and I wouldn't be interested in continuing a partnership with someone that was willing to put up with poor treatment to have arm candy.

The Ugly Duckling days are past for me, and more people would consider me attractive than not, but I don't forget where I came from, and what it felt like to not be publicly dated based purely on the size of my jeans, or the thickness of my glasses. What's important to me is that my partners like who I am in the dark.

Never Go Shopping Hungry!

So, you're off to the grocery store to obtain foodstuffs! What is the first rule of grocery shopping? Never go grocery shopping hungry! Why, you ask? Because when you go grocery shopping hungry, chances are significantly higher that you will come back home with WAY too much food, and lower quality items that are impulse related. Yet, people find themselves "shopping" for new partners in a "hungry" state of being rather often, it seems, and are surprised when the choices they make aren't perhaps the most optimal.

Well sure, if we could just all have everything we want already available, there wouldn't be a need to go shopping hungry, right? I'm sure some of you out there are thinking that I've got such a full boat anyways, that this isn't something I've had to deal with much. After all, I've got the whole "semi-attractive bi female" thing working in my favor, so that must mean that I can pick up whoever I want, whenever I want, to do whatever I'd like. Hah! Ridiculous. Even I, with broad tastes and desires, still seek out the specific attention of a particular person, and feel "hungry" if that is denied me.

So, how does one deal with that? For me, I ask for the reassurance and feeding that I desire from my partners. If it's something that they are unwilling or unable to provide, then I try to fill up in other ways. Let's say that I have a partner that isn't that kink-oriented, but really likes to snuggle. This gives me the option to really fill up on snuggling, and look to other sources for kink. The trick is to not go looking without having filled up on something first. It's kind of like that odd scene in "Something About Mary" where the dude jacks off just prior to the date so he doesn't give off crazy horny vibes while trying to get to know her. It isn't that he stops wanting the sex, it's that he's at least sated enough to function well.

Even if it takes a lot more for me, I am capable of finding ways to fill up that don't involve others. Reading, writing, pampering myself with a bath or pedicure, fixing a special snack, or petting my dogs are all things I use to self-soothe as needed. Well, and masturbation, but that's just part of the landscape. ;) Once I've gotten to my center, it's much easier to go looking for companionship, or to have a date, and know that my "picker" is going to be online. This saves me from a great many short relationships, poor choices, and repeating of mistakes.

Being able to fill up means that I am able to better appreciate the unique qualities that each person I interact with brings to the table, and desire them for who they are, not what I need from them. Some are quiet and relaxing, others engage and hype me up. Some like going deep, while others enjoy casual connection and flirtation. Some are very sexual, and others deeply spirit-oriented. All are valued and wanted for who they are, what they bring to the table, and how we enhance each other's lives.

Be Hungry! Fullness isn't the same as apathy, and without desire, not much happens in life. If you are hungry, be fully aware of that, and caution yourself in making decisions that would satisfy parts of your hunger. If you REALLY want a burger, settling for a sandwich is only going to take you so far. One can manage to stay true to one's hungers, with attention and conscious effort. It's worth the time to learn what you want on your personal menu, and worth the effort and expense to shop for the best quality ingredients to cook with. Velveeta isn't cheese, and a sub-optimal partner isn't going to get the job done either. Be the Martha Stewart of your personal life!

Sex Hobbit

In keeping with the habits of hobbits, I think I may be a bit of a "sex hobbit". Breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, etc, etc, etc. No, I am not claiming to be a sexual addict of any sort. I am quite capable of setting aside screaming orgasms to attend to work, parental duties, walk the dogs, clean house, or have regular conversation with people, but really, in the grand scheme of things, who would rather be scrubbing toilets when they could be enjoying the many flavors of loving available to them?

So many people try to separate sexuality from polyamory, as though it is dirty to be motivated by sexuality. Well, I think that's bunk! I really enjoy sexual activities, and integrating them with loving, connected relationships is where life is really lived well., in my opinion.

With that as my base, it was a bit surprising to notice that I was having a reluctance response to the idea of "really" having sex with some of my newer connections. As long as pelvic bits weren't contacting each other, I was in the clear, I wasn't really having a relationship with someone, we were just dating, and thinking about things. I wasn't responsible to them for much. At some point, it started to really feel a bit silly. Here we are, having deep intimate conversations, enjoying hot sexy interactions, many of them naked, doing things that most people would consider definitely sexual, but as long as no one strapped on a dildo, or put on a condom, it wasn't for real? What kind of sex-negative programming am I working with here?

Well, there's the whole slutty thing. Some part of me felt pretty righteous about the idea that, while I might be dating 6 people, I was only really having sex with two. Then there's the fear part, where I didn't/don't know if I can keep that many balls in the air at once, so why not take things slow, and see who sticks? Back to feeling silly. Maybe a bit controlling even. Why would I look to withhold myself sexually? To keep the upper hand? To stay safe? No one is trying to use me, or hurt me, or do anything but share pleasure and intimacy with me.

To cut myself a bit of slack, it's not like I've been turning down sexual requests, more like everyone is just being very organic and relaxed about the pacing on things, and I haven't been driving it. Perhaps that's part of it: I'm used to being the "Giver of Permission" on when to have sex, and since no one is asking for immediate advancement to that level, and I haven't been pushing it either, it's feeling a bit rudderless. So, being the sexual hobbit that I am,, and apparently a bit of a control freak, I have put requests on line to take things to that space. To be more truthful, I have plans to do that, have already crossed a Rubicon or two, and the world hasn't fallen apart, and no one's been popping up from the hedges with a sign that says what a huge slut I am.

So, I shall continue forward, embracing my hungers, diverse and voracious as they are, and knowing that it won't be the end of the world if I misstep. I can count on those I share my life with to take care of themselves, and can enjoy the full range of connections available to me.