Scar Tissue

A couple years ago, I was going down the back steps to hop into the hot tub when I missed a step completely, and ended up falling heavily, albeit weirdly, on the front of my ankle.  Not to be overly graphic, but the cement patio scraped a section of skin about two inches around completely off, so deeply the tendons were visible at spots.  Not only did it really hurt, I was concerned about infection, and worried about working, because in my day job, I do therapeutic massage with my feet.

So, I cleaned it up the best I could, applied some antibiotic ointment, one of those big fabric bandages, and hoped for the best.  The next couple weeks in particular were a struggle to bend, extend, and push with that area of my body during work.  It took significant force of will to just do the bare minimums, and I didn't do anything at the gym, or walking, if I could help it.

Eventually, the skin began to regrow, knit together, and form a lump of scar tissue on the top of my ankle, and that became the new struggle: to keep the scar flexible as it healed, so that I didn't lose range of motion.  This is where my job became an asset to me.  Since I move my feet in more different directions in an hour than most people do in a day, the scar tissue healed well, bulky, but flexible. It is stronger than the original skin, but also takes up more space.  It used to be angry and red, but now, two years later, its mostly blends in with the paleness that is the norm for my body.

Things changed in my poly life last year.  There was the loss of a significant relationship, a major shift in my connection with my metamours, and substantial change in the way my parenting landscape works.  It felt like my whole emotional life was a gaping wound, showing my internal weaknesses, and vulnerability.  I couldn't get away from all the ways I failed myself, failed others, even if I could logically see that much of what happened was unavoidable. So, I took a big step back from community, from connection, from dating, from risk.  I holed up, and tried to keep those wounds from getting infected.  Wrapped the pain up tightly, and waited to heal.

The biggest challenge was that those hurts didn't heal up nice and neat.  They kept breaking open, and for a long time that confused me.  I was doing self-care.  I had a supportive and loving partner.  Why weren't things getting better faster?  Then it occurred to me:  The scar was getting stiff, because I wasn't using those areas of my heart that had been damaged.  I'd shut things down in a bid to protect myself, but every time I tried to move forward in some fashion, I hadn't built the flexibility to do that without pulling those wounds open.

So, I started to stretch again.  Cautiously, carefully, and consciously.  I went on a few dates, and for several months, I had limited ability to connect with anyone on a deeper level, so I'd usually flame out pretty quickly, and then take another breather before I tried again.

Eventually, I met a fellow, M, who was newer to the area, and part of a live-in quad, doing the type of poly I like to do, with an extended family feel. We connected well, and formed a solid connection. I met M's wife, and other her partner, and his wife and child.  That was all good, yet hard too, because it felt a lot like what I had, and lost, but this time, I didn't back up.  I kept stretching those wounds, and reaching out towards the people, the bonds, and the environments that feed me the most, and things started to feel a little easier.  I was moving in the direction of being a bit more fully ME again.

Over time, the desire to write, to use my voice again, has been growing.  After having things blow apart, I didn't find much value in sharing my thoughts.  It felt hypocritical to think I had anything of value to contribute.  That's started to change, so I've begun writing. Some of that content you're not likely to see anytime soon, as it's still too raw for public consumption. Perhaps someday in the medium term.  For now, some of what you'll read here is easy, and some will be more challenging. Bear with me... This post is a step in that process.

The drive to create something broadly useful within the community has reasserted itself, so I restarted the Poly Discussion Group, began a Face Book group to support that, and also moderate another poly forum. This time though, I've asked for more help, more input from the people around me to build additional structure, to contribute in ways that don't leave me feeling like this is all my ball to push uphill alone. The first meeting after taking a year off was last weekend, and it was wonderful!  Even better has been the follow through afterwards.  I'm excited and optimistic about the possibilities!

Last week M was out of town, and I got to spend some extra time with my metamour.  That stretched something in me a bit.  To have someone deliberately choose to spend their time and energy with me, even in the absence of our shared partner, because I am comforting and enjoyable to be with.  I've also gotten to spend extra time in other contexts with the other people in their household over the past couple weeks, and have deeply appreciated the extension of energy and acceptance.  Feeling like I have something to offer, to others, and to myself, is my happy place.

Choosing not to do something that feeds me because I am afraid it will be taken away is a horrid reason to stop reaching.  Yes, take time to close gaping wounds, and remain aware that the scars formed will take stretching, and management on an ongoing basis.  That's what baggage is, and whether it impedes the path forward, or gets unpacked, is up to each of us. Right now, life isn't all sunshine and puppies, but it is something I can work with,  finding the depth of resolve that drives me, and creating anew, even with these scars.

Emotional Doormat

Being poly doesn't mean being an emotional doormat to your partner's other relationships.

We spend a lot of time in our pod considering how decisions within individual relationships, or as individuals, impact our partners, our metamours, and affect the larger grouping as a whole.  This is largely selfish.  That may sound kind of counter-intuitive, so bear with me.  When my relationship sphere is stable and well-nourished, my life is more relaxed, and I am better fed by my partners.  In taking care to consider the needs of others, as well as myself, I create the best conditions for my own health.

That said, there comes a point where the desire to put others before self becomes destructive. There is such a thing as too much generosity, and giving beyond the point of one's ability is a line to remain cognizant of.

When thinking about giving something that one values to another relationship/partner/metamour, consider for a moment:  Are there are feelings of martyrdom attached to that choice?  Is the offer being made as a preemptive strike to avoid being asked for something you don't want to give?  Would it be difficult to say "no", were a partner to make the suggestion? Will it damage you, or your relationship with a partner to say "yes" to a request?  If those answers aren't clear, don't put that into the pot, or let your partner/metamours know that this involves a, "Make it up to me." scenario.

Recently, there was a night slotted for a date with Russell at a time where the need was high for a shared conversation with Camille, between the two of them, and the three of us.  It could have been pushed off, but that likely would have caused additional discomfort to all involved.  At the same point, I wasn't really jazzed up about missing that date night, since it was following a trip they'd been on together, and I had a need for reconnection.  In the end, I opted to offer up the date night to have that important conversation together, but also made clear requests for additional time and energy to be slotted into our relationship within the next few days to meet my need for reconnective time.   Everyone got what they needed, even though it wasn't an easy balance to strike in the moment.

It's all too easy in poly to inadvertently become an emotional doormat to a partner's other relationships; to cease advocating for self, and just give until drained beyond renewal.   Saying yes generally feels better to most of us than no, particularly when people we love are making those requests.  Putting more on the table is lauded as a virtue, and asking for something "selfish" is often discouraged.  Having needs can be seen as being needy, particularly in one's own mind, but when it comes down to it, the reality of human interactions boils down to, "What's in it for me?", and if that question has an unsatisfactory answer, the relationship isn't sustainable.

Getting Pissed Off at a Metamour ... and Learning from the Experience

Okay, so, everybody gets angry. That's normal.

Crap happens. You deal with it.

In a monogamous relationship, there's this traditional dance, right?

You'd sneer at your wife and she'd make some incensed comment on how you never listen; tensions and voices rise; everyone's hands fly into the air and both of you separate to spend time in opposite sides of the house. Eventually, the cooler head between you prevails. One approaches the other. Conversation, dialog, and empathy allows you to work through the issue, and (hopefully) everyone goes to bed happy.

Um, say - when's the last time the wife ended up on the couch?

Anyway. That's the way it happens in monogamy. But in poly, it gets a little more complicated.

You may end up getting frustrated or worked up about somebody's actions outside of your immediate contact, like a metamour: a partner of one of your partners. The opportunity to talk and work through it just isn't available - you can't get resolution on the problem immediately and you aren't going to bed happy. So you stew, you bottle it up, you try to work through it on your own. And you probably don't get anywhere. It sticks in your craw and it just doesn't go away. That can create a lot of contention.

In my circle, something happened a few weeks ago. My partner rolled her ankle at work and sprained it pretty bad, inhibiting her mobility. It was a pretty bad tumble. She couldn't walk at all let alone drive. She was stuck at home and couldn't go to work for nearly a week.

I tried everything that I could to be around and to be there for my her. Makes sense, right? I mean, this is how I operate: if you love somebody, you want to try to help them in any way you can. Hell, she'd do the same for me. But in poly, you can't surround your lover like you can when you're monogamous. My wife still needed me at home. I needed to work. I couldn't just go camp-out at my partner's place and ignore my family and work obligations. I couldn't be there for her 24x7 and that really ticked me off.

What disappointed me more, though, were the actions of her other partner. I expected him to rise to the occasion and step-up: to arrive early for their time together, look after her, care for her, and spend a little more time than usual making sure she was okay. I expected him to go an extra mile.

When I learned that kind of stuff didn't happen, I was really angry. Now, it was patently unfair to have this expectation: I expected him to do something that I would do. I placed this expectation on him and I never communicated those expectations - it was something that I thought would just "happen". I couldn't speak with him and I never contacted him in the first place. So I sucked it in and didn't say anything about it, and stewed for a couple of days.

I was moody, irritable, and grumpy. Inevitably, it all came out in an emotional burst with her and my wife. It'd be eating me for days. I was unable to help and I didn't know why this guy didn't fill-in to help out when I couldn't. It just made no sense to me. Conversation eventually lead to some explanation: my partner very, very rarely asks for help, even when her chips are down, and this guy was doing exactly what he'd always done for sixteen years - he let her deal with it.  I guess I made too many assumptions.

What came out of this for me is an awareness of how I didn't have this guy's contact information at hand, and if I had, I could have asked for his help. A day later, my partner wisely circulated emergency contact info for all of our pods so that we could all get a hold of each other for emergencies. That was cool.

I also considered that I shouldn't be placing my expectations on the head of unsuspecting victims. That's not fair. I should cut that shit out.

I should try to respect the dynamics that already existed between them which are different from the dynamics between her and I.

Finally, bottling it up wasn't the best thing to do. I should have started by asking questions of my partner and what she needed/wanted, instead of making assumptions.

So crap happens and you deal with it. Today, I feel better prepared for when it happens again to our pod. I guess I learned what not to do.

s1m0n

Oddly Comforting...

It's been a challenging year for me.  There have been many changes that are hitting the core roles in  my life, the things I value in my relationships, and one of those shifts has been the relationship that Russell and Camille share.

I wasn't ready.  I didn't want to deal with it.  I had too many other things going on.  It wasn't what I wanted.  It wasn't what I negotiated for.  I didn't want to give up the "shiny" spot in his heart.  I didn't want to have to stretch to accommodate another person in my life.  I was a newlywed, still short of my first anniversary by several months.  I wasn't ready.

Guess what?  Life happens.  Love happens.  Sometimes, the timing just isn't ideal.   It wasn't my choice to make, because Russell isn't my property.  He decides for himself what he wants, and how he wants to spend his time, love, attention, and focus.

I haven't been neglected.  Everyone has taken a great deal of effort to make sure that my voice is heard, that I have input, that I get to help steer.  There have been great moments of love, sharing, intimacy, and joy.  This is not a whine post.  I'm not going to front with you though, it has been a mighty struggle at times, and there are certainly still challenges inherent in having people who want the same big things without being able to figure out fully how to get everyone everything they need at a given moment, much less all they want.

So, I felt some trepidation when their trip to celebrate the anniversary of their relationship rolled around last month.  I still don't do particularly well with overnights apart, or separate trips, even if I recognize intellectually, consent to, and support, that it's an important piece of a close relationship.

Anniversaries are a thing for me, birthdays and holidays too.  Add that level of importance to the usual challenges in being apart, overnight, while they're away, and I was pretty sure that this was going to be a "curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep" sort of gig.

What happened actually surprised me:  I felt oddly comforted.  I'd made it one round of the calendar.  Things are still working.  I am still loved.  No one has abandoned me for greener pastures.  I've done this in every season, and I'm still standing.  WE are still standing.

The future is just variations on a theme.  A theme that will continue to grow and change, but there's at least a path that has been walked chronologically once before together with this partner, this metamour.  For some reason, it took some of the scare out of things for me.

I don't know what comes next. None of us do.  But we made it through the first year, and that is something to be celebrated!  Happy 1st Anniversary, Russell and Camille!

Polyamory 101: Metamours and More

Lately, I've been writing some 101 articles for the blog; you can find them using the poly101 label on the site. In this article, I'm addressing a key idea behind polyamorous relationships.

A metamour is your partner's partner.

Okay, work with me. Let's play with a few scenarios.

Imagine for a minute that you're polyamorous and you've got a husband and a boyfriend. Your husband and boyfriend are metamours.

Switch it: your husband's girlfriend is your metamour.

And one more time: your girlfriend and your other girlfriend and your other girlfriend and your wife are metamours!

Now, is your boyfriend's girlfriend your metamour? Sure!

Is there a criteria that you're having sex with these people? Not at all! Sex isn't required.

And is your boyfriend's girlfriend your husband's metamour?

Ummm ... Well, that's probably a matter of opinion.

Do metamours exist more than one jump out?  Can someone three or four hops away from you in your network be your metamour? In my circle, the answer here would be no: my girlfriend and my wife's boyfriend's girlfriend aren't metamours.

Maybe it doesn't end at a couple of hops for you. The number of hops away probably doesn't matter anyway.

Metamours have a certain connotation in our circle. A metamour is somebody with whom you don't share a direct loving relationship with but you are still sharing a relationship. You're sharing time, energy, and commitment. You're sharing another person. In our circles, a metamour is a person we're invested in. That means we spend time with these people and build a meaningful, extended community. Our metamours are our intentional family.

Yeah, okay, not all poly-peoples recognize metamours as being so familial. Some even believe that metamours owe each other nothing: they have simplistic dyadic relationships with a mutual partner and that's all. There isn't any kind of investment let alone a requirement to talk or get along. I've even seen some instances where inquisitive metamours who try reaching out to another are swatted away as being too intrusive or controlling. And I've seen metamours never meet each other - a mysterious other partner who nobody's ever met nor talked to.Yikes.

Now, this isn't bad. It's just different. And different is okay-dokey. Really.

Well, myself, I'd find it difficult to get what I want if nobody wants to talk through issues and resolve problems. If everyone is huddled up in their own little corners and incapable of finding common ground - or not interested in working together, totally ignoring their metamours or not investing themselves in their metamours' happiness - well, I think that would foster suspicion, fear, sadness, and animosity.  Who wants to introduce that kinda of Drama Llama into your life?

s1m0n
(Russell)

Metamours'n'More

Every three weeks or so, my wife and I invite our partners to come to a Sunday lunch to share space. We call it a metamours’n’more thing.

Yeah, well, I confess. We're not as pretty as these guys. But we still have fun!

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, my metamour is my wife’s boyfriend; my girlfriend is a metamour to my wife; a metamour is your partner’s partner.

It’s a good time and is usually four or five hours. Not all of our metamours can come around but it’s great to have everyone in one space for a while. It’s great to reconnect and see what everyone’s been dealing with over the last couple of weeks. It also gives me insight into the problems my wife might be contending with in her relationships.

We’ll have lunch, hot tub, chit-chat, and watch a television series we’re all in to, like – for example – Game of Thrones. We’ll queue up a couple of episodes on the DVR so we can watch them together. We’ll all puppy-pile onto the sectional, sprawl out, and enjoy each other’s company for a while.

It’s a small thing. It reconnects and reminds me how entangled we are. It’s not a sexy event or a play party. It’s real life. I appreciate these events. I feel a real absence when we skip a month or more. It’s small, easy, fun, keeps us all communicating, and provides real value in reinforcing our connections in our little pod.

s1m0n

Time on Your Own, or Shared Experience?

The title is a bit disingenuous, as it seems pretty apparent that these aren't the only options on the table. S and I were talking earlier this week, and it popped up that we're on somewhat different spaces on the continuum of "spending time on my own/with others is what makes me an interesting person/partner" as it relates to "spending time together in shared experience builds intimacy/closeness". He tends more into the "time on my own" camp, while I lean towards the "shared experience" model.

While we both find value in each other's stance on a personal level, it is a difference that is important in how we approach relationships, particularly in a poly setting. One of the things I realized, largely because S is off on a "first weekend away" trip with A, is that I tend to shut off connection with partners when they are spending exclusive time with others. In the context of a date night, this isn't a big deal, but when it's expanded out to several days, it feels uncomfortable and weird. He called in to talk last night, and it felt uncomfortable to me to be talking.

At least right now, I don't seem to be capable of expanding my compersion bubble to include longer dates/overnights/trips. Frankly, I beat myself up about this pretty often. It kind of wrecks what D calls my "look good". It's a different response emotionally than I want to be having intellectually, and I REALLY dislike that dissonance!

I don't have concerns with their relationship, or their taking time. This is clearly past tapes playing. Historically for me, trips have been a pivot point in relationships. Power plays have been made, breakups ensued, massive changes that seem to come out of left field, and I'm such a stability junkie that there is intense antipathy for going through that again, so I've gotten to a point that I really dislike trips and overnights. Not just for my partners, but often for me.

This is a good opportunity to go through something scary for me, and have it be okay at the end of the weekend. To have everyone be congruent in doing what they say they're going to do. Wash, rinse, repeat until old tapes stop playing.

Enough about me! Back to our topic! For S, spending time on his own is important, having diverse experiences that are different from his partner(s) helps him feel like he's bringing something to the table in terms of being an interesting person. Agreed. For me, spending time together doing new or familiar things builds intimacy and closeness. Agreed. I think he's good at the shared experience thing, and I think I'm less good with time on my own.

Partly, my lack of skill in solo time is because I seldom have time to myself. The roles I have in life right now are quite encompassing, and as a pretty intensive extrovert, I'd rather spend time with the people I care about when I have it available to spend than do something on my own. If I'm not working, hanging with my kiddo, S, D, the dogs, working on a community event, writing, cleaning, cooking, or reading, I'm sleeping. Hobbies? Honestly, I don't have any. That seems out of balance.

Part of the issue is that I don't really have things I'm interested in doing that are more compelling than what's right in front of me. That probably makes me a bit on the dull side though, and certainly doesn't contribute to growing new skills, or being an interesting partner who is bringing something intriguing to the table. So what to do? What does a busy poly mom do for fun on the side? Frankly, I'm open to suggestions.

Well, I'm off to brunch with my meta-metamour (A's other partner), and then we shall see! Perhaps an erotic photography session? Mud wrestling at the nude beach? Lots of self-care that I don't usually take time for? The day is my oyster.

When are you ready?

With the wedding and family trip over, and D moved in, things are settling into a new trajectory for the household. It's a very positive feel around here for the most part, and will feel even more settled once the kids (our other roommate's daughter is around more in the summer) are back in school.

It seems that this is a time of blossoming opportunities, deepening of existing relationships, and looking towards further personal growth. Since D's moved in, a couple of connections are becoming burgeoning relationships. S and his other partner, A, are spending a bit more time and energy together, and taking steps forward in other ways. I'm being advised, by both S and D, as well as my daughter, that it's time for me to get back in the dating pool and find myself a girlfriend.

Since PG and I split a couple of years ago, I've been having a bit more of a challenge putting myself out there. It got more intense when S and I parted ways with JA last fall, even when considering casual connections. I haven't gone on a date with anyone new in quite some time. Part of that has been a lack of time and energy to do so, but a good chunk is just flat out fear. I've taken more of a battering on an emotional level than I care to admit, and opening myself up again is scary. I've certainly got "enough" going on to feel well-fed and fulfilled, so the motivation to push through that discomfort is a bit sketchy.

In my head, this seems simple enough: Find someone that I'm interested in connecting with, and ask them out. In execution it's looking a lot like me filtering everyone out on some minor basis so that I don't have to risk anything.

Perhaps I'm just not ready yet? I don't have a history of being dumped, so no real experience to draw off of to know when I'm not "broken" anymore by that pain. I think that's why it's called a break up now. Not because you're breaking off a relationship, but because something inside breaks when you lose an important connection. I'm not sure if that's healed, or how much, or even if it needs to be to connect again.

Happiness and optimism are my usual state of being, and that's where I live right now. The present and future hold much joy and promise, and yet I know that there is space for something/one more. How do I get over the hump and stop letting fear hold me back when so much pleasure already exists in my life? Is it just a "fake it 'til you make it" sort of challenge?

Nothing says I have to get it right immediately, or pick another life partner this month, or this year. Even if I go out with someone and it doesn't click, that doesn't need to mean pain or failure. What irks me most about this is feeling limited by my fear, so I am going to choose to move forward with a date or two, and let the cards fall where they may. One great thing about having some epic pain-based experience is that my partner selection skills feel much stronger, so I'm going to trust that to move me forward. At the end of the day, I still have the loving arms of my family to rely on. :)

Reinitializing!

Whew! It's been FAR too long since last I wrote here, and changes are all around us. I'll be looking to expand more in the near future, but for now, let me give a short synopsis of the past few weeks:

• Summer began, which equals more time spent in active parenting, schlepping the kiddo from one place to another, and creating opportunities for recreation and growth, all while keeping up with my work schedule, and the rest of everything that has been going on. Frankly, summertime is exhausting!
• S's parents were visiting in advance of our wedding. This involved some Q&A about why we are choosing to get married if we're "still doing that poly thing", a trip to the beach, several family dinners, and an attempt at bonding over pedicures.
• S and I got married! More on this later, but for now, let's just say that even a small home wedding with mostly friends in attendance takes a lot of energy and time to set up and execute.
• We went on a short honeymoon, which was delightful, and hatched a scheme for future planning that includes finding a property on the coast that we can share with the community as a vacation/retreat spot.
• D decided that he was ready to look at moving into the house with us! Both my daughter and S had brought this up as an idea previously, and it'd been bandied about for a while. Now was the time! We got the preliminaries started, I cleared space for him to move into, and then I had to leave again.
• Family trip to Michigan to introduce S to my extended family. This was the first time I'd been back since PG and I split, and here I come with a new spouse and my Pacific NW ways! A bit over a week spent there, with family gatherings, visits to Amish farms, amusement park trips to celebrate daughter's 1oth birthday, much time immersed in "lake culture", and being fed excessively.
• Came back home, and the next day helped D move his big stuff. Secured an extra refrigerator to accomodate the increase in people in the house.

So yeah, it's been a busy month, and I'll be picking out pieces to focus on in more depth in the upcoming weeks. Thank you all for your patience as we sort out all these shifts! It's been wild ride, but the trajectory is feeling really great!

Shared Time

For years now I've noticed that my happiest poly experiences involve partners who are comfortable with and enjoy sharing time with others important in my life. Yes, I absolutely enjoy and prioritize solo time as well, but someone who really likes to do things together with my child and my other partner(s) has a significant leg up on gaining additional levels of intimacy and access to my heart, among other bits. ;)

One of the things I've been enjoying lately has been watching the new HBO series, Game of Thrones with S, D and S's other partner, A. We'll do some BBQ, talk about things of import in our lives, and snuggle on the couch together while enjoying the complex storyline of the show, along with the T&A often found in such HBO originals! There's a bit of racy energy, but it's more a companionable vibe that is building appreciation of each other as individuals, the ties shared with mutual partners, and that extended family thing that is so deeply satisfying to me.

Some conversations are deeply personal, and the openness and trust shown is intimacy-building for me. While I have many community connections, letting people in closer feels more risky, so being able to take these little steps together, one meal, one episode, one hug, one discussion at a time, eases those fears.

People wonder how to build compersion? This is where it's at for me! Expend the time and energy to get to know your metamours. Start with happy healthy relationships, find something enjoyable for everyone to do together, and enjoy the fallout. Shared time isn't for everyone, but for those of us who like a more extended family or close community model of poly, it's an important building block.

The "Bubble".

During the last discussion group, we were delving into the concept of building compersion within relationship spheres, and one of the concepts that I connected with was that of the "bubble". The bubble is that zone that can form around a particular set of people (often a couple) within a relationship grouping that may feel excluding to the others that they are in relationship with.

Where I've seen this crop up in the past is usually when a partner is in NRE with a new connection, and they are nearly completely oblivious to anything and anyone in their vicinity. Alternately, it may include a territorial feel, where no one is quite certain where the boundaries lie between relationships, or what every one's tolerances are for regarding PDA's.

For some in the group, they just adored seeing their partners being so "cute" with others that this wasn't an issue. The bubble was a dose of welcome outside perspective. For others, me usually included, it can feel uncomfortable, exclusionary, and/or inconsiderate.

For those that were in the camp of cute, the idea of introducing themselves into the bubble of some one's dynamic seemed to feel intrusive or controlling, in the realm of interfering with their partner's other relationships. Perhaps this is another one of those points of difference between community/family style poly and free-agent poly? To be clear, I'm not talking about the idea of pushing in on private date or intimacy time, but rather how interactions go within shared time.

After some back and forth on perspectives, it finally hit me as to why I've felt discomfort with the bubble in the past: When I find that I alter my behavior (or am requested to do so) with a partner in an attempt to accommodate the sensibilities of a metamour, that hits my radar as not-a-good-thing. I'm very touch oriented, and not holding my partner's hand, snuggling, hugging, kissing etc. in front of someone that is also intimate with my partner feels like censorship. It doesn't build compersion, intimacy, or trust with me. It creates an "us versus them" environment.

Being affectionate with a partner isn't an exclusive thing for me. I don't mind when a metamour also touches, kisses our shared partner. It's compersion building for me to observe the happy, but I don't like being excluded from the happy. That feels compartmentalizing, and I'm big on integrating during shared time.

Fortunately, this isn't something that I am currently experiencing, so it's a great time to explore what's not worked well in the past, to be able to accurately communicate and advocate for my desires in regards to affection in community/family time in the future. The bubble isn't scary anymore, because I know that my partners are open to being inclusive, so there is no "pushing my way in" that needs to be done. As for the metamours, I can share my perspective and demonstrate what that looks like, and hope it works for them as well!

What does "reasonable" look like?

What is "reasonable" when it comes to making requests in our relationships? Ask ten people, and you'll probably get about that many answers. The common refrain I've heard lately is that, while you can ask for anything you want, having expectations of compliance/agreement isn't good poly. Not sure if I agree.

Everyone retains the right to say no at any time, for any reason, to change the agreements, and that's just a free choice issue. Technically, that's true. However, on a practically applied level, having clear agreements that are followed-up on without being changed haphazardly is useful to me in my life. The idea that my partners could just yank the rug up from underneath me without discussion, or be surprised if I was upset if they didn't follow through with an agreement, is distinctly unreasonable to me.

Let's cut back to the idea of reasonable requests: For me, these are things like, "Safer sex agreements aren't changed prior to being discussed.", or, "We don't have loud sex when a child is present in the house.", or, "If I say I'm going to do something that impacts you in a specific time frame, I will either get that done in that zone, or update you if that doesn't work out as expected before that time frame has expired.", or, a personal favorite, "I will let you know as soon as practically possible if I make an agreement or plans within another relationship that may impact the relationship we share. Preferably, I'll strive to include you in that negotiation.".

For a lot of more independently-minded poly folks, that list may sound a bit unpalatable, and that's okay! They aren't my target dating-pool. I seek partners that find responsibility to others to be an aspect of intimacy and freedom that they gravitate towards. For me, being emotionally involved with someone who lacks an interest in having agreements with me is unpalatable. It doesn't lead me in the direction of feeling emotionally intimate, and comes across as a lack of interest in me as a person, much less as a relationship partner.

Perhaps this is a reflection of the relationship goals I have of "long-term" and "stable"? Typically, I don't get into deeply emotive relationships and just "see where it goes". Intimate emotional connection and vulnerability is reserved for those in my life who are positive contributors choosing to be integrally connected for the foreseeable future.

Does the concept of "reasonable" all boil down to mutual choice? This seems likely. Reasonable agreements are ones that are mutually beneficial on some level, and consented to in concert. Changing those unilaterally without arriving together at a new position isn't likely to build goodwill and trust in your relationships, so take the time and expend the energy on creating accord with your partners. Be reasonable!

Not Enough

In the past couple of weeks, my non-domestic partner, D, and I have been unsuccessful in connecting several times for various reasons. I've been missing him quite a bit! This has brought up the idea that some people seem to hang onto when observing poly relationships: If my partner was "enough" for me, there wouldn't be any desire or need for other connections. Really, I'm probably just monogamous, but haven't found the right partner yet, and obviously, I must not really be into S if I still have D in my life, or vice versa, right?

Pshaw! Each person I have found value sufficient value in as an individual to form a significant relationship with is enough, in and of themselves, to be worth including in my life. That I'm missing D doesn't mean that S isn't meeting my needs in our relationship, nor does it make me a greedy woman who is never satisfied. It simply means that I see each of these connections as valuable in their own right, and feel that absence when I haven't been able to touch-in the way I'd like for a while.

One of the ways this seems to impact other poly folks is the sense of inadequacy that can flare up, particularly when one's partner is starting a new relationship. "If I were younger/prettier/thinner/more buff/better endowed/smarter/funnier etc, then Partner X would be happy with just me/us." With the rush of NRE, sometimes things fall through the cracks, and people forget to overtly value their existing partner(s) when they would benefit most from the reinforcement.

What's worked best for me has been when partners reiterate the things they enjoy about our connection, or me as a person in a "this reminds me of how much I love this about you" sort of way. To ramp up the considerate gestures, thoughtful embraces, and spend time together when there are other factors pulling attention takes some effort, but is well worth the energy.

S, you are enough. You are a wonderful partner, and I cherish sharing my life with you. D, you fill a unique spot in my heart, and I value who you are, and the relationship we enjoy together.

Family as a Construct

Family. Ask a hundred people, and a significant portion will tell you that it's the most important thing in their life. The top priority that they work to support and maintain. I'm firmly in the "Family is Important" camp, although most of my family doesn't share much genetic material with me.

Having gone through a great many changes in the past couple of years, my "family" has also shifted over this time. PG (aka META whetstone) and I are no longer married romantic partners, and are investigating what it means to continue to be important in each other's lives, to be family on some level. S and I keep moving in the direction of growth and integration on a deeper level, and that dynamic is one of the things that feeds me. D and I are finding more ground to share, and staying firmly pointed in the direction of long-term connection and adding value to each other's lives.

Our daughter is a huge focus at the moment. She is struggling with the changes in her family landscape, and we are all trying to help her sort through things. I feel empowered and supported by having so many loving and caring people that are ready and willing to plug in to help her find her way, even as I strive to bring better patience, skills and understanding to the table. My now-ex mother-in-law is someone that's been a parent to me since I was 18, and however the paperwork looks, she and I still have a strong family bond that will continue forward.

The bio family is sort of a non-factor most of the time. They live far away, and are very different people, so the main function they have in my life is to be extended family as possible with our daughter. They moved away when I was about 20 years old, so haven't really been important in my adult life.

Then there's the poly community! These people are like my cousins, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They provide a broader context for my family construct. Filling in the gaps and creating space that I wouldn't otherwise have access to in my life.

One of the strengths of poly is the opportunity to reinvent the concept of family in a broader context. Don't limit yourself to the genetic pool you crawled from! Family is where you find it, build it, create it.

Letting go

Earlier this month I talked about letting go of a desired level of connection and style of poly with my metamour in the "Breaking up with a metamour" post. A few weeks later, I thought it might be nice to look at how that's gone.

It's been good. The metamour in question was relieved and thankful to be out from underneath a perceived burden. For me, I've truly been able to let go of the sense of being vested in how that relationship is going, and just allow my partner to move it in any direction that makes sense to them.

It's been obvious that my letting go has released some back-pressure within that line of connection, in a way that has stopped obscuring the scenery for my partner. This seems to be helping him see things more clearly and find a path more easily.

This lack of connection with a metamour wouldn't be my first choice, but it seems to be working out well in this particular situation. I'm glad I was able to let go of trying the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result, which is, I've heard, the definition of insanity. ;)

Compersion

When poly people talk about things that they like about being poly, one of the things that is usually on the Top 3-5 items, is compersion. Some may also refer to this as "frubble". It's that lovely feeling one has when the person you love is enjoying a connection with another, you know, the feeling that is the polar opposite of jealousy. They happier they are, the happier you are. The more satisfied they feel with their outside connection, the more warmly you feel towards the metamour in question.

PG and I were having a discussion last night about compersion. He's noticed that it's something that I really crave as part of his additional relationships, and that it seems to be pretty heavily tied into how much interaction the metamour has with the rest of us, not as a lover, but as a part of life. Why does it feel different to me when I don't see the metamour?

I realized that, for me, it's a very different experience. Compersion where the metamour is removed from the rest of his life is like reading something on a page, a story with no pictures and no punctuation. It's intellectual, but not emotionally resonant, even if the words used are pretty powerful. In contrast, when a metamour is hanging out with us every so often, I have the opportunity to experience compersion as a fully sensory experience, with color, sound, tastes, smells, and touches. To directly observe the connection he shares with another in person ups my experience of compersion to a whole new level! It's something I can more easily get behind and feel positive about, rather than think positively about.

Of course, I recognize that not everyone is going to be interested in being a part of our nutty little pod. It can be a level of complexity that is daunting to some. Certainly, it's not a condition of employment for anyone interested in dating S or PG. That said, I sure do love getting that glow of satisfaction when I see them light up as their sweetie reaches for their hand, leans in for a kiss, shares something they enjoy with the kids, or brings their favorite dish to dinner, though!

Let's hear it for technicolor compersion! Show me the Honey!

Breaking up with a metamour

The past several years have seen several iterations of connection between myself and my partner's partner. We've been friends, lovers, Domme/sub, and care about the same person. One thing that has remained pretty constant has been that I've seen her as family, which isn't something I extend easily or often to anyone.

Over the past year there have been a lot of changes in her personal landscape, and the ways that she approaches relationships have shifted to the point where it doesn't feel like the "poly family" approach is working any longer. It seems apparent that I need to adjust my thinking to accommodate those shifts, and "break-up" with my metamour.

While we don't have a direct relationship with each other at this time, there is a sense of loss around this for me. I guess I am pretty attached to the ideal of sharing a bond with the people I have partners in common with, at least with one that is so close to the inner workings of our lives. She's also someone that I care for and respect, although we differ in many ways.

What does this look like? As far as practical stuff, not much. It's letting go of that sense of openness, of concern, the attempts to bring someone closer, and honor that they are perfectly content to be further away, and not involved in the "friends and family"model of poly by choice.

It's largely semantics, but there is a sense of closure that is important in the way that my emotional resources are spent and reserved. They'll continue to date however they choose, without investment from me in that dynamic.

I'm sad, but hopeful that this will bring a measure of ease that has been absent for quite some time with this person, and with myself.

Symptom or cause?

When there is an issue going on within the circle of relationships, how do you differentiate between the issues being a symptom of something going on within the relationship(s) or a particular person being the cause of problems? There are many times where an outside connection can bring to light some patterns or weaknesses in the existing relationship(s), but when there is a pattern of issues being connected to a specific person, how does one make the distinction?


Perhaps it has nothing to do with the actual person, and more to do with a difference in style of polyamory, or in communication styles? If relationship expectations are different, why wouldn't there be consistent issues cropping up? Let's say there's an introvert dating an extrovert, well, there are some different types of language that might be needed to bridge that gap, perhaps even with a "translator" person at some points.

Prevailing opinion would lead one to believe that the secondary relationship isn't the problem, it's just the spotlight that brings those issues to the surface. I suppose from the context of "picker problems" this could be true. Even if the metamour in question is a bringer of drama, someone picked them as partner material. Shoot, show me the poly person that's never made a poor pick. As I suspected... ;)

When you've spent time and energy on a direct or indirect connection with someone, there is an investment in them. The desire to "make it work" is huge! So undoing "picker problems" is tough for all concerned. When I see people drifting from things they considered core to accommodate that, that's where a small difference can become a bigger issue.

Having strong personal boundaries is a good place to start. With poly, the difficulty can come where you implicitly trust one partner, but perhaps not the metamour on that same level. How do you maintain a boundary with the metamour without cutting yourself off from the fulcrum partner? I'm working on this diligently, so please bring on the insight!