Saturday, November 17, 2012

The NRE Bubble

New Relatiotionship Energy-  it's strong, powerful, consuming, exciting, exhilarating, anxious, giddy, and, by its nature, exclusive.  Within poly, NRE is a force for change in many ways.  It can inspire amazing growth, or fracture relationships that seemed completely solid only a short time ago.

What I think many poly people would benefit from is looking at the "exclusive" piece of NRE.  When your focus is so heavily slanted in the direction of a new shiny, it is easy to exclude your existing partners; to exclude them from your process, from your new relationship, separate yourself from the relationship you've shared, the traditions you've developed, and dive head first into the heady rush of newness, untainted by outside influence.

This is where things can go horribly awry.  When you begin to exist inside the bubble of your new relationship it often skews the rest of your life in ways that are seldom healthy.

How does one escape the gravity well of the Bubble?  Don't abandon it!  There is amazing bonding to be found in this space, things that benefit your new connection immensely.  Instead, I would like to suggest actively inviting others to join you *inside* the Bubble.  Bring your existing partners into the bond you're building, help them see and understand it in a way that doesn't leave them staring in a window from the outside.  Do things together, find common ground and interests, welcome conversation and sharing across direct relationship bounds.  Be INCLUSIVE.

When existing partners feel included, not excluded, it makes for a stronger bond with your new partner as well.  There is reality, not just the candy-sweet flow of NRE, to add tensile strength to that connection.  There is more compersion, less of a sense of loss around the changes taking place, less us versus them,  more active allies to contribute positively to the growth of the whole structure. 

3 comments:

Jenne said...

While there is no denying the great energy one can get from NRE, I (perhaps oddly) am rather fond of the bond and closeness that comes after the NRE fades. :-)

polyfulcrum said...

Agreed, Jenne! I've heard the same sentiment echoed by many poly folk with long term connections, so you have plenty of company.

While the energy of new relationships can be compelling, it's also a big challenge to what currently exists in one's life, and that is something to keep in mind, even in the midst of the
"fluffy pink stupids". ;)

Anonymous said...

Very true...however the partner not involved in the NRE should not feel excluded, as that relationship needs time to set up a foundation and a routine just as that initial long term one did without any boundaries or precautions. Open communication fosters change and frankly, depending on the type of relationship, NRE can take many faces and requires check-ins to adress this exclusion...that way the new face of NRE is inclusive.