Thursday, November 15, 2012

When Poly Became About Family

It all started with a dare.

"I'd kiss you if I didn't think it'd fuck your head up."

I like dares. Then I remember being lead up the stairwell by the hand.

My good friend of thirteen years (my best man's wife!) wearing nothing at all except for this little slip of a nighty took me by the hand and lead me into her spare bedroom for - as I learned later - her husband and his girlfriend were having sex in the master bedroom.

After a couple hours, everyone emerged (all smiles) into the common area and I still remember feeling like unicorns, fairies, and floaty cloud things were dancing about in a land of sugarplums.

Holy crap, Batman: this was pure fantasy!

Not even in Penthouse had I read about this stuff: this weird thing called ... Polyamory.

It was raw sexuality. It was shared and communal, like, dude: it obviously took a village. It even dispensed with traditional obnoxious pleasantries, running from "You look tired - can I give you a massage?" to "Here's the bed, there's the condoms, I'm a woman, and we've got two hours. Go."

And as I progressed in poly, I learned about house parties, clubs, swinging, kink events, gang bangs, and I just thought this adventure into overt sexuality was all part of the poly experience. Within the first six months (and perhaps because I was such a sexual vanilla neophyte) my interpretation of Poly meant overt and unbridled sexuality. Where there was Poly, there was this stuff.

As Keanu said: "Woah."

It took me a year or so to encounter other models of Polyamory and contend with the subject matter from the perspective of armchairs instead of on my knees. I was able to see it from the perspective of real relationships, real people, real problems. My relationships evolved and became less about the sex and more about the connection and shared experience. Even interconnections with metamours and children.

There's the usual family gossips and drama, traditions, personalities, coping through failed relationships, reveling in the elation of NRE, and the tiny moments of elation, celebration, happiness; connected friends working through career struggles, school and homework, financial problems. It got real. For me, Poly changed. It became less about the dares and sex, and more about the extended interconnection. It eventually became about family.



Unknown said...

How does your current relationship differ from communal living?

Anonymous said...

Hey there, Dave -

We're not polyfidelitus ( if that's what you're asking; unlike those who practice polyfidelity, we date outside of our domestic sphere.

When my wife and I built our place, we built it for a future with multiple others. Currently, her boyfriend lives with us, and we've got a roommate who neither of us are dating.

I think having my wife's boyfriend living with us qualifies as "communal" but I do feel a pang of absence from time to time as my others live elsewhere. They live either with their own families or alone. Actually, one of my partners, Alisa, once brought up "rotation schedules" to stay at our place during the week. I liked the idea :)

Myself, I'd like to see my partners under my roof to the greatest extent possible. That would feel ... closer. More communal. More interconnected and crafting our lives together. I think because there's a physical distance and separate expenses/living arrangements, where we're not all sharing a domestic burden, there's a difference between this and communal relationships.

Great question... Thanks for reading -