Monday, July 9, 2012

Bowling = Sex?

"It makes no difference if my partner is out bowling, or having sex with someone else.  It's their time, and they get to spend it however they want.  Why would it matter if they're at work, or on a date?"  For me, this statement is bullshit of the finest disassociated variety!  Not being in anyone else's head, I can accept that it may be true for them, but it REALLY doesn't work that way for me.

For the purposes of this conversation, sex shall be a stand-in term for intimacy with another person, be it physical, or emotional.  It's a nice short pithy word, and I like having lots of it!

Part of the reason I am poly is because I enjoy sex.  Another portion is that I enjoy my partners having sex with other people.  Sex is a pretty amazing thing, and a main component of compersion for me is knowing my partners are having great sex, either with me, or other partners.

Connecting with another person on this level is emotionally different than going to work.  It's different than taking a hike.  It's different than reading a book in the same room.  The idea that sex would be equivalent in importance to such mundane stuff is frankly offensive to me!

Yes, I am interested in the book my partner is reading, but I'm a lot more interested in how happy they felt about connecting with Partner D last night, because it's just more weighty to me.  Yes, I am happy to process the amazing day they had at work, or the crappy time cleaning out the sty that is the kid's room, but it's more fascinating to me to hear about how they really clicked with the new person they went out with yesterday, and if they're planning a second date.

Is it my business what's going on in my partner's other relationships?  Not directly.  It's something that I negotiate for though.  Not details, but general feelings and overall satisfaction.  Being in the loop is an important source of compersion for me within my relationships, and something that I would deeply miss if it were off the table.  My relationships touch, and even the ones that aren't directly connected to me are important.  For me, it cheapens intimacy to put sex on the same level as vacuuming.  That kind of sucks...


Unknown said...

I thought about this post awhile and didn't know how to answer. Did you want any comments or is this just a rant? Some of us may have a few comments on this topic.

polyfulcrum said...

I'm thinking it's poor writing on my part, as even those close in haven't "gotten" what I'm trying to communicate here without extensive conversation. :)

By all means, feel free to comment though! Eventually, I may get close to an understandable shared thought on this topic... ;). The current iteration just isn't cutting it.

Unknown said...

Tristan Taormino in her book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships ( ) had some remark that I'm paraphrasing: if your partner decides to go out on a date with someone you haven't met, you might see it as a license to do likewise. Of course, this could lead to the destruction of the partnership if it isn't solid. I've been through this with one of the members of my triad and it wasn't the end of our relationship. In the end we reaffirmed the need to communicate what our intentions were.