Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Too much, too little


An acquaintance of ours posted something on her blog about feeling like it was very challenging to find friends as an adult. Particularly in light of some of her less mainstream types of recreational activities, relationship style, and a more extreme profession. I wish she lived closer to us, as I've always found her very fun to be around, and have the same sorts of issues finding friends that aren't scared off by who and what I am in life.

You see, I'm too into guys to be comfortable to lesbians, too into women to be comfortable to straight folks, too kinky for the vanilla types, too dominant, or too submissive for either of those crowds in the BDSM scene. I'm too domestic and sober to hang with the party crowd, too adventurous to be contented acting like a suburban house Frau. I'm too poly committed, or too much into recreational sex, for most of the poly crowd, and WAY too poly for the traditionally mono types.

So where's the happy place? The few, the proud, the brave, the people I call friend in life are those that embrace me, allow me to talk about my life without censorship, who will say if they disagree, but not judge me for making a different decision than they would. My closest friends are my partners. I know people say that all the time: "We're each other's best friend.", in my case, it's true.

PG and I have been friends my entire adult life. One of the things that we noticed as we opened up our relationship 7 years ago was that a lot of topics and ideas that had previously been on an imaginary list in our heads as "things we can't talk about" became very important to discuss. Once the expectation that we'd be the one and only and fulfill each other's every need was gone, then we could talk more deeply than ever about substantive ideas, needs and wants.

When S and I started dating, he jumped into this whole communication thing with a vengeance! Of course, since he and I both enjoy the sound of our own voices, this lead to a lot of really great conversations, deepening the existing lower level friendship in a huge way.

Now, all my closest friends live with me. This is a beautiful gift that I am enjoying deeply! On the flip side, I think it is still important for me to have an outside person that I feel close with on a friendship level as well. There are a few people that are close to that role in my life, but not to the degree that I would like. As a child, my family moved often, preventing me from learning the skill of having long-term meaningful friendships. It's something that I think I kind of stink at, frankly.

That's going to be my personal goal for the next year, to develop a strong friendship outside of my household. Preferably one that thinks that too much or too little is just right.


EmilyTbM said...

I volunteer!

wakefield said...

I'd volunteer, but I do really lame stuff like scrapbooking and jewelry making for fun. I also love bazaars, and reality television. I might as well get a sweater with some giant embroidered christmas tree on it. I also kind of work for you and your now my landlord. Which you could lord over me if we ever argued. I'm still volunteering,but just putting out there our possible road blocks. I've heard you're not supposed to mix business and pleasure.